Disclaimer: Clearly, I don't own it. =) Oh, and the song lyrics are from the song 'I Hate Myself for Losing You' by Kelly Clarkson.
A/N: Sorry for not getting this up the day I meant to! School's started and I completely spaced. I hope you like it though. I would especially appreciate feedback on the end. And, well, general feedback as well; I hardly got anything the last time.
***
Part II: Mistakes Are Made To be Fixed
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no
***
It had been so long since they had spoken.
Three weeks, four days, and…well, he didn't have it down to the hour, but still. It had been quite a while.
And he just hated this. It was all so complicated. He despised the fact that, no matter what he did to deny it, he'd fallen for her. He'd fallen for her harder than for any other girl he'd ever dated. She just…she wasn't like any of them. She didn't try to be someone she wasn't. And she had this way of looking and speaking…it completely sent out the message that she considered him an equal. Not higher than her because he had more money, nor lower than her because he had been in Azkaban.
No, she treated him like a human being. And it was a good feeling, that one.
And then there was the fact that she turned him down. When had that ever happened to him? Not ever, that was for sure. And yet, three weeks and four days ago, she had turned him down; turned him down in a way that had literally left him at a loss for words, incredulous and beaten. He'd told her something he'd never once told anyone else. He told her that he loved her, and he'd meant it, maybe even too much for his own good.
And she'd just…turned him down.
He knew it hadn't been easy for her. He had seen the waver in her step, the tears in her eyes as she turned, walking away…
And he had waited for her to come back, sure that she wouldn't be able to do it. Sure that she returned his feelings for her, and just wouldn't be able to go through with it. And he had been sure of that, not in a smug way, but in a hopeful, glad sort of way.
For that, he hated himself even more.
For that, each step that she took as she walked away hurt him more.
And he hadn't gotten over her. Three weeks and four days had gone by, and he still wanted her, maybe even more than he had when this had started. He wanted-no, needed, to hear her voice as she uttered his name. He wanted to run his hands through her fiery hair…feel her lips on his as they kissed…he needed her company, needed her to look into his eyes and smile…
He needed her, dammit. He had been such a mess without her. Before he'd even had a chance to talk to her again, she had gone to Madam Bones and blurted out their whole story, asking for him to be assigned to someone else. Shocked and taken aback, Bones had obliged, and assigned him to some other bloke in the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, far away from Ginny. And now, as he filed paperwork for illegal cross-species breeding and other rubbish, he couldn't stop thinking about her.
He didn't know what to do now, either. He had tried his best to catch her after work, but she always managed to avoid him or brush him off. The one time he cornered her just outside her office, she hadn't even looked at him, pulling out her wand and muttering a quick hex. He'd been frozen just long enough for her to get away from him. He'd even tried talking to Madam Bones, but he hadn't even started talking, when she'd said, rather snappily, 'I paired you and Miss Weasley together, Mr. Malfoy, but found that I had been wrong in doing so. Therefore I rectified my mistake by assigning you to someone else. Whatever personal problems still exist between the two of you are no longer my concern. I am deeply sorry, but I am not the one you should be speaking to about such things. Now, if you will excuse me, unless you have a work-related matter to discuss, I suggest you leave my office.'
He hadn't even bothered arguing. These days, that was something he did often. He wasn't himself anymore. The smirk he'd always worn, and that smug look he'd always bore, were gone…now mere memories. You would see a quieter, slightly more menacing Malfoy. Some said it was the post-Azkaban funk getting to him. Others said he was still sullen that Voldemort had lost the War. But some, the handful that knew about his relationship with Ginny, knew that it was because of her.
He sometimes wondered if the rest of his life would be like this…
Would he ever talk to her again?
Would she even listen?
Would she understand?
It hurt to tell himself that she might not.
***
Ginny was a mess. And so was everything around her. Her world was slowly tearing itself to pieces, and she didn't know what to do.
She had done the right thing, hadn't she? She had been strong, and she hadn't given into his soft words, into his revelations. She had pulled back, and avoided falling back into his stupid game again. It had happened for too long. She'd been sick and tired of it; tired of crying over him, and sick of her growing emotions for him.
So why did she feel like this? Why did she still cry herself to sleep every night? Why did she still think about him, long for his touch on her skin and his voice in her ear? Why did she still avoid looking or speaking to him? Why did she see his eyes staring back at her whenever she talked to any other bloke?
Was she just being silly?
He obviously wanted her back. He had been excruciatingly persistent, at least at first, before slowly falling into a sort of quiet yearning. He seemed to be wherever she was, gazing at her from a distance. He was always alone, brooding.
Sometimes, she let her mind wander. Sometimes, she found herself fantasizing about coming back to him, apologizing to him in a blur of tears and guilt, somehow blurting out that she did love him back, that she couldn't take this. And sometimes, she found herself imagining that he would hold her in his strong arms as she cried, and then kiss her, saying that it was fine.
Other times, she imagined that he would leave her this time. That he would say that she'd gotten herself into this. That he would give her a taste of her own medicine, and leave her there to rot.
And she let the tears fall at that, because she knew just how much that would hurt her.
Somehow, she wanted to do that. And sometimes, she thought that it wouldn't be wrong at all, but right. Weren't people always talking about how you shouldn't let true love pass you by? About how being stupid and stubborn like this could make you lose something precious, something that came along only once in life? She would let her mind fill itself with these comforting thoughts, only to find that she didn't know how to do it. She didn't know how she would go back to him. Would she appear in his office one day, and just say it? Would she Apparate to his home, and tell him everything? Would she corner him one day after work and say it all?
And how would she say it? How would she know if she was doing things right, if she was saying the right things?
How?
***
It was now officially five weeks since. A month. A month and one week.
Ginny wouldn't last like this for much longer. A mixture of pride and insecurity had kept her from going back to him, but she was sick of this now. It was time that she admitted it. She'd made a mistake. She shouldn't have left him that night. She should have believed him when he said he loved her. She should have said that she loved him.
So now, she was going to swallow up her pride, and plunge into the darkness.
Right after she finished filing these stupid papers.
Her hands were clammy, trembling. She blamed it on the cold, grumbling and pulling her robes tighter around her, trying to convince herself that she was not nervous. She was not apprehensive about this. She was not worried about what he might say. If she admitted that she was feeling nervous, the doubt she had learned to ignore would come back. It would, she knew it, because this had happened before, in a way.
A large, very colorful bird flew into her office suddenly, landing gracefully on top of the pile of papers she was filing. She stared at it for a moment, then allowed herself a chuckle, thinking it was Luna's. That girl never got tired of being different, did she?
But, as she unfurled the letter, she found it was not Luna's handwriting, but Hermione's.
Well, that was odd. She hadn't spoken to Hermione in ages.
In truth, she hadn't quite spoken to anyone lately, but Harry and Hermione in particular had been extremely busy. The Ministry hadn't quite gotten around to rounding up all the remaining Death Eaters, and Harry, of course, had volunteered to help. Hermione had obviously stood firm by his side.
Frowning, she read the letter.
Ginny,
I do hope you're doing well! Harry and I are in…well, I can't say exactly, in case the letter gets intercepted, but I'll bet you can figure it out from the bird.
You're probably wondering why I'm owling you…well, Luna spoke to us the other day, and she told us about…Malfoy. I suppose I felt inclined to give you some words of advice.
I can't tell you whether or not you did the right thing, of course. Harry and Ron are convinced you did well, and they're sure you'll get over 'that bint', as they call him, but…my opinion is slightly different. I know, by the way Luna told us about everything, that you really did feel something for him; it wasn't hormones or anything. Taking this in mind, I'll tell you this:
If you know that he loves you, and you feel the same way, then…you're making a mistake, I'm afraid. Things like love…they only come once in life. Think about it this way-if I had kept my feelings for Harry silent and lived on under the illusion that I fancied Ron, would I be happy now? Would I be able to say 'I love you' to Ron, and truly mean it?
I don't think so.
Your case is slightly different, of course, but think of it in the long term. One day, you would heal from all of this, and be able to look at it as another moment in life. One day, you might fall in love with someone else. But will you ever love them as much as you love Malfoy? Will you ever truly get over him?
But I know what's on your mind now. From what Luna said, I gather you don't know whether you love him or not.
But do you? Ginny, are you happy, or at least content with your life, now that you left him?
I'll let you answer that.
And, keep this in mind-mistakes are made to be fixed. In life, we fall so we can get up again.
I wish I could write more, but Harry's been trying to sneak glances for a while now, and if he figures out what I'm doing, he'll surely try to stop me from sending this.
Take care, Ginny. I really hope this helped. We'll talk soon, okay?
Hermione
Ginny was out of her office before the piece of parchment even fell to the floor.
***
She didn't know what she was doing. She had absolutely no idea.
But she knew what she wanted. She knew what she needed…
Hermione had helped her open her eyes finally, and she didn't want to be blind now that she'd seen the light. It was stupid, but having someone else tell her what she had already suspected herself made her feel sure that she was doing the right thing.
The only problem was, how in the world was she going to tell him?
'Oh, hey, Draco. Sorry I've been such a prat. I've realized I love you. Take me back?'
Maybe she should ignore the fact that they hadn't spoken in a month? Just sort of go into his office and start saying timid words to him? Or maybe just a comment. Just a few words to let him know she was sorry…so very sorry…and did love him.
But what?
Think, she told herself, did he say or ask something the last time we talked? Something…I dunno, something I can answer now?
And, thinking, she got into the lift and pushed the button for level four, rolling her eyes impatiently as it stopped on its way up, and squeezing through the doors as they opened to reveal the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.
"Excuse me," she said to a man in burgundy robes that was heading for the lift, "Do you know where I might find Mr. Draco Malfoy?"
The man looked her up and down, raising his eyebrows, "Weasley, aren't yeh? I've 'eard some stuff 'bout you an' that bloke…"
"I asked, sir, if you knew where to find him?" Ginny repeated through gritted teeth, glaring at him.
The man seemed to drift off, staring at her, before clearing his throat and saying, "'Course I do…down tha' hall, firs' door to the left," he said, pointing one gnarled finger in the direction.
Ginny didn't even bother thanking him. She dashed off in the direction he had indicated, and almost crashed headfirst into the door. Stopping just short of it, she smoothed out her robes and hair, and attempted to catch her breath. Her heart was pounding, even as she stood there. What was she doing? Would this turn out to be right?
Would it be worth it?
She closed her eyes, breathing in slowly. She told herself that everything was fine…that she wasn't going to make a fool of herself…that this was right.
And she knew it was…
But oh, how it hurt to admit that she'd been both wrong and stupid…that she'd risked everything, their happiness, their love, for mere doubts…
She extended her hand towards the doorknob, biting her lip, eyes still shut tight.
And then the door opened in her face. Her eyes flew open, but she found her vision obscured by the person that stood in the doorway. He had his back to her, and was speaking to someone inside.
"…she's a good witch, lad…you'd do well to go with her," said a voice. It was a woman's…she sounded rather old.
"No, thanks, madam. I'm not quite fond of blind dates," Ginny felt her breath catch in her chest when she heard his voice. Her pulse quickened, and she immediately felt herself sweating. Her knees felt weak, as if they might suddenly give way and let her fall to the ground. Her eyes took in his hair, which looked rather disheveled…his clothes; jet-black robes, sweater, and pants…
And again she wondered, like she had done so many times in the past…why could only he do this to her? She had never felt so captivated…so enthralled by another man. Only he had the power to make her feel this way with his mere presence.
And she felt herself already succumbing to him. She wanted to take him in her arms and hug him, just keep him there, like there was no tomorrow. He looked so worn and thin, and his skin was even paler than ever. She felt her heart sink as she saw the hint of under-eye circles just over his pale cheeks…she suddenly wanted to kiss them all away…kiss both of their troubles away…
The woman inside seemed to grumble, apparently annoyed, "But you're such a good-looking boy…and she's been asking me about you for ages…she's very pretty, she is."
"No thanks," Malfoy said, and only Ginny caught the slight hint of menace in his voice as he smiled automatically, shaking his head, "I really have other-other things in mind."
"Well…if you're sure," said the woman, rather uncertainly, "I'll see you tomorrow, then. And be early! We have quite a bit of work to get done, you know."
"Sure thing, madam. Good afternoon, then."
"Yes…"
And, in that split second before Draco turned around and saw her standing there, Ginny actually believed she could do this, that she could really pull it off. This was the same Draco she'd always known, the same Draco she'd loved before…he couldn't have forgotten everything they shared.
If this was worth it-if he really meant what he'd said a month ago-he'd still love her. And he'd still remember…he would…
"G-Ginny?"
It never failed. His voice, uttering her name, sent those chills down her spine…she truly felt, for a moment, as if she was going to fall into his arms. She closed her eyes for a split second, wanting to give in…to end this misery now…
"What are you doing here?" he hissed, and she was taken aback by the tone he used. It was harsh, reprimanding, as if he was actually telling her off, "Damn…come on…"
He took her hand. Ginny let out a soft gasp that only she heard.
He led her into something along the lines of a broom closet, only slightly bigger. They both ft comfortably inside, and were able to sit down, if they wanted to.
"What are you doing here, Weas-Ginny?"
Ginny looked up into his eyes. She'd always had the impression that she could lose herself in them, and now was no different. They looked deep as ever, piercing…she felt as if he were looking straight through her and had a clear view of her overflowing emotions. With him, it was different. He always managed to hide his emotions so well…right now, all she managed to make out was the vague incredulity and softness that had stirred behind the mask he always used.
"I'm…I'm so sorry, Draco…"
She didn't know what made her say it. 'I'm sorry'. When she was little, she always thought it could fix anything; her mistakes, other's mistakes…but right now, she knew fully well that it was just another promise…an empty promise. It didn't do anything. It didn't make her feel any better, did it?
It certainly didn't make him feel any better. His eyes seemed to narrow more than ever, all trace of softness gone and replaced with a look of such anger, it felt like she was being torn to pieces under his heated gaze.
"That's all you can say? That you're sorry?" he sneered. It hurt to hear his voice like that, so taunting, "After all this…all you can say is that you're sorry?"
"No!" Ginny said, feeling the tears coming. Fighting to hold them back, she forced herself to keep her eyes trained on his, "That's not all. I just…I don't know where to start…I know I m-made a mistake. I shouldn't have left you that night."
He was silent, his glare now softer. She took that as a sign to continue.
"But you have to understand-and I know you will-I was so confused, Draco…" Ginny said softly, sighing, "You'd already left me more than once-how was I to know you wouldn't do it again? I didn't know what to believe…"
"You should have believed me," Draco said quietly, his tone bitter.
"I know I should have…I know that now. But back then, I did what I thought was the r-right thing. But I, like you, underestimated what I felt. I thought I could get over y-you…but…I couldn't."
"Do you think you love me, Ginny? Is that it?" he said, his tone disdainful and cruel. He pronounced the word 'love' with utmost distaste, almost spitting it out.
The words seemed vaguely familiar…and then she remembered; she'd said the same thing to him when he had confessed that he'd fallen in love with her.
Oh God…had she really been that cruel? The words were so painful…it was hard enough to speak coherently to him when being looked at so fiercely. She felt so horrible, knowing he'd probably felt like this-or worse-that night. And then, when she'd left him…
How could she had been so terrible? When all she'd been trying to do was make the right choice, she had made the biggest mistake of all. And here she was, trying, possibly in vain, to fix it.
"Yes," she said, her voice barely above a whisper now, "I love you. I know I do. I should have said this that night…there are so many things I should have done, Draco…so many things I wish I'd said earlier. I hate that I did this to us. I messed up so badly and…this can't be fixed…"
Tears started to fall down her cheeks. She felt so alone…so hollow inside. Everything was tumbling down over her, and she couldn't do anything. She'd ruined it…ruined It all.
But then his fingers came in contact with her chin, tilting it upwards. Through her tears, she managed to make out his blurred outline as he spoke. He looked regretful, "It can," he said, "and it will be fixed. I'm not going to let you go now, Weasley. I wish I could act like I was considering this, like it was really such a hard decision, but the fact of the matter is, I can't, because it isn't.
"I could say I was angry, 'cause I was. I was so angry that you'd done that to me. You have no idea how it feels to be left alone after you've just told someone that you love them. I was more honest with you then than I've ever been in my life.
But that anger didn't last long. Mostly, I was…hurt," he said the word in a choked whisper, as if even admitting this was hard for him, "I needed you with me…I still do. I really do love you, Gin…more than anything else in the world."
Ginny sobbed, locking his arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his. They stayed like that for a few moments, feeling their emotions pouring out as they held each other, before pulling apart. Ginny wiped at her tears impatiently, wanting to stop crying now. She looked into his eyes, which were still guarded as ever, but was able to make out that tiny hint of softness. She felt special, knowing she was probably the only one that could do that. No one else knew him like she did, and vice-versa.
And despite their rocky past…their childish behavior towards each other and their almost completely opposite personalities, they loved each other. They were able to put aside their differences for each other, and that made their relationship special.
They brought meaning to each other's lives…
And that was why, when Draco returned the shy smile Ginny gave him with a half-smirk, half-grin, she felt happier than she'd ever felt in her life…she felt at peace, knowing that she'd finally made the right choice…
Him.
-- FIN --