Questions
"Daddy, how come you never got married?"
Harry looked up into the darkened, starless sky from his place on the porch swing next to his daughter, Alyssa. A soft light from deep within the house shone just enough onto the porch to allow them sight of each other. "My heart was stolen nearly eleven years ago," he said simply. He looked down at her and smiled, she was staring down at the ground. He placed his hand to her chin and raised her head until their eyes met and held. "My heart was stolen the instant I heard you cry in the medi-witch's arms," he said gently. He released her chin and looked up toward the heavens. "I've never wanted for anything more."
"That's not true," Alyssa said emphatically, tears glistening in her eyes.
"Hey," Harry said quietly, pulling her close. "You are all I need. Besides, you know I've tried dating."
"But you never go on a second date. How come?"
Harry rested his head against the top of Alyssa's. "You either have a connection with someone or you don't, baby girl and you can tell by the first date, or I can anyway. I just…I haven't found that connection. And, truth be told," he took a deep breath before continuing, "I don't think I want to find one."
Alyssa pulled away from him and turned her head, not wanting him to see her face. "I hear you sometimes," she said, her voice so low that Harry had to lean closer to hear her.
"Excuse me?"
"At night," she turned back around to face him, her voice shaking, "when you think I'm sleeping. I hear you talking to her."
"I see," he said, his voice low like hers. "Does that bother you?" he asked, stroking her long black hair.
She looked straight ahead. "Not really," she said vaguely, as she contemplated his question. She shook her head and turned back to face him. "No. No, it doesn't," she answered with finality. "What do you talk about?"
A puff of air passed through Harry's nose as though he wanted to laugh and couldn't quite bring himself to do it. "You, mostly. I tell her about what you're doing. How much you've grown. How smart and beautiful you are." He began to run his fingers through her hair again. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "I tell her how much you remind me of her. How every day you say or do something that keeps her memory fresh in my mind." He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "I know there's no way you could know you do those things, but thank you. Thank you for being so much like her…" Harry had to stop talking, the lump in his throat had constricted his air and he sat in silence trying in vain to swallow it down.
"It's okay to cry, daddy," Alyssa said, wrapping her arms around him and offering him comfort in much the same way a mother would.
"So much like her," Harry mumbled against her head. He sniffled and straightened up. "That right there," he stated, "is something your mum would do."
"Tell me something about her?"
"I tell you about her all the time, baby girl," he said with a light chuckle. "What do you want to know?"
"You always tell me about what you used to do," she replied heavily. "I want you to tell me who she was, what she was like. And…"
"Yes?" Harry asked. "Let it out, what else do you want to know?"
"I want to know why you chose her. What was so special about her that it…that it's kept you from loving anyone else?"
Harry shook his head and laughed dryly. He laid his head against the back of the swing and exhaled sharply. "What makes her so special? Ah…oh, honey," he sighed, "I don't…" he closed his eyes and willed himself to continue. "I don't even know where to begin."
"The beginning?"
"I don't even remember a beginning, Alyssa. It's been so long that I hardly remember a time when your mum wasn't a part of my life. I met her on the train to Hogwarts," he said, closing his eyes tighter and envisioning the first time he'd seen her. "Uncle Ron and I were sitting in a compartment with a huge pile of candy between us. In walked the bossiest, nosiest, most impertinent girl that either of us had ever met. I liked her immediately. But, I was eleven and eleven year old boys tend to follow their mates rather than their head or their heart. Doing that cost me two months with your mum. Two months that could've been made better if I'd only let her in rather than continue to rebuff her."
"So that was the troll, right?"
"That was the troll. That night was…" he paused to take a deep breath as the emotions he'd felt all those years ago rushed through him once more, "it was one of the worst of my life…yet somehow, ironically enough, one of the best. When Ron and I heard your mum scream after we locked her in the bathroom with that troll, I swear my heart stopped. I thought sure we'd inadvertently granted her a death sentence. We burst through the door and the troll was swinging that club, determinedly trying to smash her. I don't know how Ron and I did it. Truth be told, I don't know how we were able to think clearly enough to do anything to save her. I saw her, scared and trembling, backed against the wall, and something inside me snapped. My body began to move of its own accord and words began tumbling from my mouth. I'm not sure I could've told you immediately afterward what I said or what I yelled at both Hermione and that troll."
"It's no wonder you don't know how you were able to think clearly," Alyssa interrupted, laughing lightly. "From the sounds of it, you weren't actually thinking at all."
Harry laughed. "No, you're probably right. Not thinking is something that Ron and I excelled at. That was what your mum did…she provided thought for us all and she was exceptionally good at it. If not for her, Ron and I likely wouldn't be alive. Her quick thinking and logical mind helped us out of more predicaments…" he shook his head then looked at her. "That doesn't answer your question though, does it?"
"It's good, dad," she replied. "Keep going."
"To this day, your mum is still the brightest, kindest, most selfless person I've met. With the exception of you," he continued, chucking her on the chin affectionately, "women just aren't made that way anymore. Well, at least no women I've met."
"You really loved her, didn't you?"
"I really love her, Alyssa," he corrected. "I've never stopped."
"Why?"
Harry shifted in his seat as he contemplated how best to answer. "I don't know," he finally replied. "I don't think it's possible to really know why we love someone. I just…did. It was such a natural thing that I almost wonder sometimes if I didn't love her before I met her. I'm not sure there was ever a turning point or even a time in our lives that I can say, with any amount of certainty anyway, that I began to fall for her. It's just…it's always been that way."
"Do you believe in fate?" she asked curiously.
Harry looked at her and slid his hand down the side of her head. "Fate is what brought you to me," he said, "I have to believe in fate."
"How's that?"
"Nearly eleven years ago, not long after your mum passed, I found a letter she'd written to me. In that letter, she told me how fate had intervened twice in our lives and how she'd never dare defy it. She said it was fate that helped us conceive that night and fate that kept you alive when she continued to fight alongside me in the battle against Voldemort." He looked at her then and said the hardest words he'd ever spoken in his life. "She knew she might die giving birth to you. But she said…" he sniffled again and this time he didn't bother with holding back the tears. "In the letter…she confessed it all. She said that she refused to give you up just…just…to save her own life."
Alyssa was crying nearly as hard as Harry. But she stood up abruptly, startling him. She turned on him and screamed, "So she chose instead to bring me into the world and leave me? She left me, daddy. The same way she left you. It isn't fair. You make it sound so selfless and noble, like it was this great sacrifice but it wasn't. She should've fought it, daddy. You told me that she always fought. That she was never scared of anything. But she gave up. She gave up on you and…she gave up on us both." She fell against the railing of the deck and slid down, her cries muffled by the hands that covered her face.
Harry stood, his legs shaky, as a deep ache spread thick throughout his body. He sat down beside her and reached a tentative hand forward, he pulled it back before he could touch her. "Alyssa, listen to me," he pleaded. "Your mum and I, we…" he took a deep, steadying breath. "We were only together one time. It was the first time for both of us. It wasn't planned, it just…it happened. Afterward she asked me," Harry sniffled and tried to clear his aching throat once more, "I'm sorry, Alyssa. This…this isn't easy. None of it is." He stood up and walked down the porch steps, the sliver of moon lighting his path as he walked a few feet ahead and stood staring out into the darkness.
Perfect night for this, he thought. Black, shadowed, haunted…just like me.
He didn't hear Alyssa walk up behind him, he only felt her hand in his and he raised it to his lips. "I love you, baby girl," he whispered.
"I love you, too, daddy. Can you tell me what happened all those years ago?"
"I can try. Just…just give me a second."
Alyssa stepped up next to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Take your time, daddy. I'm not going anywhere."
Harry wrapped his arms around her and bit down on his lip to stop himself crying again. So much like my
Hermione…she never went anywhere either. Not until…
Harry quickly banished any thoughts of Hermione leaving him from his head. He took a deep breath to steady himself
before continuing. "That night, after we…well, later that night, your mum asked me what I wanted more than
anything when the war was over." He closed his eyes and sharp, clear images of him and his beautiful Hermione
lying naked together in the aftermath of…of what? Was it love then, or was it really just sex like Hermione had
called it? Harry shook his head. "Love," he whispered aloud. "It was always love."
"Daddy?"
Harry started at the sound of Alyssa's voice. He turned and kissed the top of her head, breathing deeply as he went. "Sorry, baby girl," he said, shaking his head, "where was I?"
"You were telling me what you wanted most in the world."
"Oh, right," he sighed. "A family. I told your mum that more than anything else in the world I wanted a family. A dozen kids, all of us living together in a house in the country…simplicity. Just a simple life with my wife and kids." His voice had taken on a faraway tone and flashes of sitting on the porch with a pregnant Hermione flickered through his mind like an old time movie player…image after image, which had ingrained themselves into his soul.
"What did mum want?"
Harry sighed heavily and rubbed Alyssa's shoulder. "She wanted my dreams to come true."
"That's it?" Alyssa asked with an unmistakable note of surprise. "That's all she wanted?"
"She stood by that until her dying day. I tried asking her a few more times what it was she wanted, but her answer was always the same…until one night," he said slowly, thinking back to that first dinner they shared when Hermione had finally moved in with him…
"I want to see our baby grow up," she cried helplessly. "I want to see your face when she takes her
first step. I want to watch in wonder when she gets her first tooth. I want to celebrate when she says her first word.
I want to hold her and rock her to sleep at night and kiss her cheek in the morning. Damnit, Harry, I want to be
there." She brushed his hand away and jumped to her feet. "I want to be alone," she added softly.
"Excuse me."
Harry was feeling the pain in each of Hermione's words. He'd thought about her so often over the past eleven
years but it was the first time he could remember giving conscious thought to the amount of pain she must have lived
with every single day…knowing that she would never hold her daughter. Knowing that while she hummed off-key to her
every single night while she was pregnant, she'd never get the opportunity while holding her daughter in her arms.
A tremendous wave of guilt slammed through his body and he fell to the ground.
"Daddy?" Alyssa called out anxiously. "Daddy, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, Hermione," he cried, his eyes cast heavenward. "I'm so sorry."
Alyssa dropped to the ground directly in front of him. "Daddy? Daddy, it's me, Alyssa."
Harry grabbed her arms and pulled her tightly against him. "It's my fault," he mumbled, surprisingly his voice was clear and his eyes were dried of tears. This time it was pure guilt with no emotion to offset it, no tears to redirect his attention. "I'm so sorry, baby girl. It's my fault she's gone. If I hadn't…"
"No, daddy," Alyssa shouted through her tears. "It's not your fault. It's her fault. She should've been here. She should've stayed." She slammed her tiny fists against Harry's chest as she continued to yell. "It was her fault! Hers! Why didn't she stay, daddy? Why?" It was the first time she'd ever felt such anger toward her mother. She and Harry had always been so close that she rarely missed having a mum around. Seeing him like this she felt a sudden, fierce desire to protect him, not realizing just how much she was reminding him of Hermione…again.
Harry held Alyssa tighter. "Your mum loves you…she loves us both," he said, speaking soothingly near her ear. "Don't ever doubt that. There's no place in this world or any other that she'd rather be than right here with us. You have to believe that." He gently pushed Alyssa away and set her down in front of him. "Let me tell you what happened, okay?"
Alyssa nodded. "Okay," she whispered hoarsely.
Harry took a deep breath and began to pick at the grass. "It was our fifth year at Hogwarts. Something happened and six of us went to the Department of Mysteries. We got into a battle with some death eaters. One of them cursed your mum. To this day, no one knows what that curse was. She was given different potions and everyone thought that things were better and that she'd recovered," he sighed and took another deep breath. "Apparently, we were wrong. Whatever curse she'd been hit with had damaged her in ways far greater than any of us had realized. When she got pregnant, the healers at St. Mungo's discovered there was damage to her womb and they…" he stopped, unsure of whether or not he should go on.
"Daddy, please," Alyssa pleaded. "Tell me. I can take it. I'm not a little kid anymore."
Harry ran his hand down the side of her head again. "No, you're not, are you?" he said gently. "The healers, they recommended that your mum end her pregnancy. They told her that if she carried you to term, the chances were great that one or both of you…could die. That's when she decided that fate had already intervened twice and that she was not about to start defying it. She was determined to have you…determined to make my dream come true." He fell back on the grass and looked up at the sky and started talking to Hermione once again, "But you didn't, did you? Not completely. Damn it, Hermione, you're supposed to be here with us! We're supposed to be on that swing right now, laughing, and watching our daughter chase fireflies. Damn it all, why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to die on me?" he yelled, slamming his fist against the ground.
He sat up quickly and looked at Alyssa, his eyes wide with the shock of what he'd said. "Alyssa, I'm
sorry. I love you, you have to know that. You're my life. You're all I have now, and you're all I need.
That's a lot to put on such a young girl, I know, and I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. But I need you to understand
something. I need you to know that no matter what I've said, no matter what stupid thing I still might say,
I've never once regretted having you in my life. I've never thought life wasn't fair because you were here
and your mum wasn't. I never want you to feel an ounce of guilt that you're here and she's not, okay?"
he pleaded, he knew that he was rambling but he couldn't bring himself to stop...he had to make her understand.
"Please, there's never been a more wanted child than you. Held by only one parent, but wanted and loved beyond
reason by both." He grabbed her and pulled her against. "I love you, baby girl."
"It's okay, daddy, I love you, too. I understand, really I do. It's all right,"
Harry loosened his hold and pushed her back to arm's length so he could look into her eyes. "Lumos," he whispered fervently, concentrating for a moment on the porch light. The light shone brightly behind them and they blinked their eyes rapidly until they adjusted to the sudden change. "Tell me how you know," Harry demanded. "Tell me how you can be so sure. I've said some pretty stupid things to you tonight, Alyssa. I need to know how you can be so certain that I'm worth forgiving."
Alyssa tried to stare into her father's brilliant green eyes but his gaze pierced through her and she closed her eyes and dropped her head. "If you hadn't already forgiven me, we wouldn't be as close as we are now," she said softly, but with every ounce of conviction she could muster.
Harry shook his head, unable to speak for several moments. He focused his thoughts, he had one chance to make it right and the thought of messing it up was almost more than he could bear. "Alyssa, listen to me," he said slowly, deliberately. "I hope I can say this one time. I hope that I can make it clear enough that you can make no mistake about the message I'm trying to convey." He grabbed her hand, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "I love you. Your mum loved you. There was never any doubt in either of our minds that you would be welcomed into this world with loving arms. Your mum knew the risks and she chose not to share them with me. I don't understand all of her reasons. I think, in the beginning, that she thought I might try to talk her out of having you. By the end, I think she was just too scared to face the truth. Saying it out loud would make it real. The longer she kept the truth to herself, the longer she could live with the belief that everything would be fine and that you both would live. There's never been anything to forgive. There's not a day gone by that I haven't missed your mum. But there's not a day gone by that I haven't thanked her for giving me you, as well." He raised his eyes to the heavens. "Help me, Hermione. I'm messing this up and I need you. Please," he pleaded.
Alyssa's hand covered her father's. "You're doing great without her, daddy. But if she can hear you, tell her I said hi, okay? Tell her that we're fine and that someday, way far away from now, we'll all be together. Can you tell her that, daddy? Can you tell her that I'm looking forward to meeting her someday? I just," she lowered her head, feeling ashamed of her thoughts.
"You just what, Alyssa?"
She looked at him with sorrow-filled eyes. "I just don't want either of us to see her any time soon," she softly replied. "Is that wrong of me, daddy? Is that selfish?"
Aside from the obvious answer of, "no," Harry didn't know what to say so he did the only thing he could do. "I have something for you." He stood and put his hand out to her. "Come inside the house. I need to give you something."
They walked inside the house together and Harry gestured toward the living room. "Go on and sit down, I'll be right there, okay?"
Alyssa nodded and walked into the living room. Rather than sit, she paced back and forth, wondering how big of a mistake she'd made asking her father questions about his personal life with her mum.
Harry walked quickly to his room and put his hand on the drawer to his bedside table. The drawer had been sealed for so long that he found himself nervous about opening it.
She has a right to it.
I know, but I haven't read it yet. What if it's not the right time? Hermione told me I could read it. Why didn't I?
Because it's personal.
Yeah. Yeah it is, Harry thought in response to the ongoing inner monologue that had plagued him since Hermione's passing. Sometimes the voice belonged to Ron and other times…other times made him close his eyes and revel in the few seconds he had with her. It was Ron's voice advising him tonight. Hermione's seemed to come less and less frequently. He feared he was beginning to forget it.
Harry spoke the combination of words he used to unlock the drawer, "Alyssa Rose." The drawer opened immediately as though it was spring loaded. Harry reached inside and pulled out a letter Hermione had written eleven years prior. He sat on his bed, the letter clutched tightly in his fingers. "Is it now, Hermione? Is this the right time? How am I supposed to know?"
Trust your instincts.
Harry smiled and his heart lifted. She found her way back, if only for a few short moments. "I've never been good at that without you. My instincts got us into a lot of trouble throughout the years, remember?"
No one knows you better than you know yourself, Harry. Trust your heart to know when the time is right.
Harry sighed heavily and fell back against the bed. "You know me better than I do. You've always known me better than anyone." He wiped a stray tear from his eye. "My heart hasn't been right in nearly eleven years. Not where you're concerned."
Have I ever steered you wrong? Intentionally given you bad advice? When it's important, I mean. Have I?
Harry shook his head, "no."
Trust.
"Trust," Harry repeated. He stood up from the bed and walked purposefully out the door and into the living room. Alyssa sat on the couch, alternately between biting her nails and nervously drumming her hands on her knees. She jumped when she heard Harry enter the room. He sat down next to her and handed her the letter. He closed his eyes and made an effort to swallow past the lump in his throat. "This is from your mum," he said stoically. "Before she died she wrote us each a letter. She asked me to give you yours when the time is right. I don't know when that is, so I'm giving it to you to decide. You can choose to open it and read it, or you can choose to hold onto it and read it another day, or I can take it and put it back where I got it from until you're ready. I'm not going to force you into anything you don't want to do."
Alyssa stared at the envelope that shook uncontrollably in her trembling hand. "It's…it's from her?" she asked incredulously, looking from the letter to Harry and back again.
Harry nodded. "She wanted to leave us both something. A few words, some advice…something. She was a wonderful woman, your mum. Very few people had a heart as big as hers."
Alyssa stared at the seal, her fingers itched to open it, and her heart was eager to cling to any piece of her mum she could get. But no matter how many times she reached for that seal, something in the dark recesses of her mind held her back. She turned the letter over and read the words…
To My Alyssa Rose
She looked at Harry questioningly. "Alyssa Rose?"
Harry sighed. "That's the name your mum and I agreed on. When she…died, I wanted to give you a piece of her, so I changed it to Alyssa Jane. She doesn't…didn't…know," he replied, stumbling over his words.
Alyssa nodded her head then turned to look at the letter again. "She knew I was going to be a girl? Is there another letter in case she was wrong?"
Harry shook his head. "No other letter. She just…she knew. She never doubted for a moment that you were going to be a girl. In fact, when she told me she was pregnant, right after the medi-witch told her, she was already sure. She never strayed from that belief."
Alyssa nodded her head again. "Do you mind if I…?" she hesitated and made a gesture toward her bedroom.
Harry shook his head. "No, you do what you have to do, sweetheart. You can take it to your room if that's what you want."
"Thank you," she whispered as she stood. Her eyes never straying from the letter, she walked slowly to her room. She closed the door softly behind her and sat down in the middle of the floor. With trembling fingers, she broke the seal and carefully pulled out the letter.
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A/N: There will be one more chapter and it is almost complete. Thank you.
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