Life and Love
My Dear Alyssa Rose,
I don't know where to begin. Writing a letter to someone I love more than life itself, and who I'll likely never meet, is a challenge I never thought I'd have to face. I can feel you moving inside me as I write. You're restless tonight, even more so than usual, and I wonder if you can sense what I'm feeling right now…I wonder if you know just exactly how hard this is.
First off, let me apologize for anything I may say that causes you even the slightest amount of pain. It is certainly not my intention to hurt you; I just want to talk to you…to let you know that you are loved.
I have to tell you, that in all honesty, my heart is breaking as I sit here and picture you reading this letter…because it means that I'm not with you. Right now, tonight, I have no idea what the chances are that we'll be together. The healers have told me that it is likely one of us will go…possibly both. As selfish as I wish I could be right now, and as much as I would love to hold you in my arms, I can only pray that should one of us be left behind…it be you. Your father is the greatest man I know and he deserves to have his dreams come true…all of them.
I don't know if he told you that I asked him once what his greatest wish is. He told me that a family is all he's ever wanted, and I wanted so desperately to make his dreams come true. I had no idea then that I would get pregnant, it was the first time for both of us, and we were in the middle of a war. There was so much ugliness, so much brutality all around that for one fleeting moment, we wanted to forget and we searched for solace in each other. We never said 'I love you', but I think, even then, that we both knew the truth. We would've died to save one another if it came down to it. And now, looking back, I can't remember a time when I didn't love him, or a time when he wasn't the center of my world. I wonder now, if it's possible that I loved him long before I'd ever met him. It would certainly explain why I can't seem to find a beginning, wouldn't it?
I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm straying. My thoughts are a jumbled mess right now. There is so much pain in my heart that my head just can't seem to find a way past it to provide me with rational thought.
There are things I want to say, but I somehow feel that it's no longer my place. I wrote a letter for your father, much like this one. In it, I asked him to move on, it was my only wish. I hope that by now he's done that. He deserves happiness and the dozen kids he wanted and…a wife by his side on the porch swing. Simplicity…that's what he wanted, and I hope that's what he's found. And you, Alyssa, you deserve a mother who can be there for you in all the ways I've never been…in every way there is.
The greatest advice that I can offer you is to follow your heart. There are times when I've misunderstood the messages, or thought that I knew better, but in the end, I believe I finally got it right. If you're anything like me, that logical brain of yours will argue with the natural instincts of your heart, and you'll do just as I've done and misunderstand or think you know better. Let me assure you, the heart is always right. Follow it, and you'll never go wrong. It's when we let our mind plant shadows of doubt that we start to question the integrity of our heart. Use your mind wisely, but, if you can help it, don't let it rule who you become.
I could go on forever like this, talking to you about everything…and nothing. Rambling is something I'm good at, just ask your father. Being bossy and somewhat condescending is another…but that's probably something you don't need to know about me, isn't it? I'm smiling now, something I haven't done in a good, long while. If I close my eyes, I can see you so clearly. You're on your father's lap and he regaling you with stories of how things used to be. I'm sure you already have a pretty good idea of what I was like. Between you and me…it was fun being that way. I loved the act of superiority…especially when it came to your father and Ron. Being the only girl in the company of two stubborn, strong-willed boys was never an easy thing. Acting superior gave me my only advantage. But don't let your father fool you…he's a bright, intelligent man who just happened to let me get away with acting smarter. His only downfall was that he tended to be a bit on the lazy side when it came to studying. But I could always overlook that, knowing the weight of our world literally rested on his narrow shoulders.
Believe it or not, there is a purpose behind this letter, and it's more than assuring you that your mum is capable of rambling with the best of them. I've left something for you. In the attic, beside your father's old school trunk is a smaller trunk that belongs to me, you'll find my initials engraved on the outside. I want you to have it as well as what you'll find inside. They are all the things that are special to me. I hope that you find pleasure in them, just as I have.
Above all else, I want you to know that you were brought into this world through a powerful, all consuming, life altering, self sacrificing love…the kind I pray that you'll find some day. I've never known love the way I've known it with your father. Granted, I'm young, but there's a power between us, something inexplicable, something that just…is. While we've never said the words aloud to each other, our love is no less real to me. Like so little else I know, and as corny as it may sound, it transcends both time and space. I will take his with me when I go and regardless of what happens in his life, your father will always carry mine with him…he will bear witness to it every time he looks into your eyes.
My hand rests on my stomach now as I close my eyes and will you to understand. This is the path I've chosen, it is one that I cannot change…nor would I choose to, if I could. I love your father with all of me. A family is what he wants, a child to call his own. How can I deny him that when we've been blessed with you? At no time in my life would I be able to give him what he needs. Twenty years from now, the same complications will arise. I feel my chances of surviving are greater with my young age and current health. One can only hope…and pray. This has never been a tradeoff of one life for another; my hope is that we'll all be together. I will hold on to that until I simply cannot hold on any longer.
I hope that you are in contact with your grandparents. They've been so excited to meet you. I'm sure your father would never keep you from them. Because he never had one, I think he understands the value of family so much more than most people. He'll never let you be alone.
Although I cannot see you, you are my light, my saving grace. You are the one thing I know for certain I've done right in this world. And should I die, I will go happy, knowing that Harry has you. You are an angel in a time when angels seem to be in short supply. Your father is an angel; you'll live well together…my two greatest blessings.
I pray that your father will find comfort in someone else's arms. And that you will find the mother figure you so deserve. And that you will both be happy when I am gone. I wish that I could be here for you. You are, and always will be, my baby girl.
I have rambled for far too long. My heart, my soul, my love is yours, my precious baby girl.
Always,
Your loving Mum
P.S. Wherever I am, trust that I will be watching you and smiling down upon you. If you should ever wish to talk to me, I will always be available to listen, and I will do my very best to answer.
Please ignore the stains on this old parchment, it's hard to withhold the tears knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel. The tears will dry but you will always recognize that they were spilled for you…a testament to how much I wish I was there…and to how much I love you.
Alyssa's eyes were filled with tears, some of which had fallen to the parchment and dried, intermingling with the tears of her mother. She lowered the letter carefully and curled up on the floor beside it, one hand still holding it tightly. "Can you really hear me, mum?" she asked, hastily looking around the empty room. "You said you'd do your best to answer me if I ever wanted to talk. Are you there?"
Alyssa was greeted with nothing but silence, and yet she continued to try. "I need to know something. I need to know why you left me. I mean, the real reason you left. Daddy always told me you were a fighter, he always said there wasn't a problem you couldn't fix or a question you couldn't answer. And that if you were ever stumped, you'd always come through in the end. What happened, mum? This was the biggest challenge of your life, and you didn't come through. I want…no wait, I need, to know why. Can you tell me?"
The thought suddenly occurred to her to go to the attic and retrieve the trunk her mother had mentioned. She stood up and walked into the living room. Harry was still sitting on the sofa, right where she'd left him. He looked lost and alone. For a moment, Alyssa wondered when he had become the child and she the adult. It was the first time she'd ever truly understood how much her father loved her mother. She walked straight to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I understand," she whispered. "Daddy, I'm so sorry."
Harry held onto her as though she could pull him from the depths of the sea in which he'd found himself. He was sinking and she was the only one who could save him. He wanted to tell her that she had no reason to be sorry and that he was happy she finally understood, but words alluded him. His body was wracked with silent sobs and his throat ached from the effort he exerted to withhold the tears.
Alyssa pulled slowly away. "There's a trunk," she said softly, holding onto his hand as she sat down beside him. "It's in the attic. Mum wants me to have it. Do you know where it is?"
Harry nodded and winced as he swallowed down the painful lump in his throat. "I know," he rasped. "I'll get it."
He wasted no time in getting up and making his way to the hallway so he could pull the rope that would bring down the stairs leading up to the attic. He climbed up and switched on the light. He made his way over to his old school trunk and sat down heavily upon it. "Oh Hermione," he sighed. "Why does it still have to hurt so much, even after all this time? I've tried to move on, honestly, I have. But there's just…" he hiccupped and felt the pain return to his throat, "there's not another you," he finished after a moment. "I could look a lifetime and never find anyone to love as much as I love you." He dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath and rubbed his face. "They say the older we get, the greater we love. I don't believe it because I don't think there is a greater love than the one we shared. If there is, I envy those people, I truly do. Please, Hermione, help me through this. I need your strength now more than I ever have. And our daughter needs me to be strong for her…I'm just not sure I can do it on my own."
You're doing beautifully.
"Ah…oh…" he sighed. "Thank you, love. Stay with me, please. This is almost over and I need you."
I'll never leave you, not so long as you want me to stay.
"Stay with me forever."
You need someone real, Harry. I'm just a voice in your head.
Harry sighed again. "But yours is the only voice I want to hear. It's the only one that makes any sense to me. It's the only one I've ever truly listened to."
I'm right here, Harry. Please, take the trunk to our daughter.
Harry nodded his assent. "Okay," he replied. He stood up from his trunk and bent to pick up Hermione's. "I'll take it." He walked as quickly as his legs and the stairs would allow. When he got to the bottom, he called out to Alyssa. "Where do you want it, baby girl, in your room or in the living room?"
Alyssa ran into the hallway. "Oh, in my room if you don't mind," she said, feeling breathless and nervous.
"Not at all," he replied, carrying the trunk into her room and setting it in the middle of the floor. "What do you want from me, Alyssa? Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go? This is yours, I'll do whatever you ask of me."
Alyssa looked at the trunk and then back at Harry. "I want you to stay. If you want to that is," she added quickly.
"Thank you," he said, running his hand down the side of her head to the end of her hair. "Your mum would be so happy to know that your hair is long and straight," he said, chuckling softly. "She always hated her hair. It was so bushy and difficult to control. I loved it though. It was so…unique, so…her." He smiled whimsically and then shook his head to dispel the memory.
Alyssa stared at her father for a moment and then smiled at him tenderly before she sank down to her knees and opened the unlocked trunk.
Without looking at the trunk, Harry gazed at Alyssa to gauge her reaction to what she'd discovered. Her questioning look made him smile until he looked down and his gaze fell upon the items in the trunk and he gasped. Alyssa held up a small piece of something that looked like tile. "What is this?"
Harry held out his hands. "May I?" Alyssa placed the object in his hands and he turned it over and over a few times, studying it. He closed his eyes and a perfect image entered his mind and he visibly shook. "I never knew she did this," he said softly, almost as if to himself.
"What is it, daddy? It looks like tile."
"It is, Alyssa. It's a piece of tile from the bathroom she was in the night the troll entered Hogwarts. It was the night we all became friends." He set it gently down beside the trunk. "What else is there?"
"What is this one?" Alyssa asked, holding up a round, glass ball.
"Neville's Rememberall," Harry said bemusedly. He could vaguely remember asking Neville what he'd done with it and Neville saying that it'd never done him any good so he gave it to someone special whom he knew for certain could use it. Harry had always assumed that he'd given it to Ginny.
Next she pulled out a trading card with a picture of Albus Dumbledore on the front. It was the first time Harry could remember seeing Dumbledore's face…and reading the name Nicholas Flamel. "This is stuff from our first year," he said, in awe of the things she'd managed to hold on to. They discovered the flute Hagrid had given him, which he'd thought was lost when they'd managed to get past Fluffy. And then there was a picture of him taken in the hospital wing while he was unconscious, after having faced Quirrell and Voldemort. There was also a picture of Trevor, Neville's toad, with the words, "Has anyone seen a toad?" written across it. Harry couldn't hold back the laughter when he saw the first words she'd ever said to him written across that picture.
As Alyssa pulled items from the trunk, Harry was transported back into different times in their lives.
From their second year Hermione had managed to keep the parchment upon which she'd written her discovery of the basilisk and the mirror she carried with her afterward, as well as some old photographs taken by Colin Creevey. Harry knew there wouldn't be as much from that year because Hermione had spent so much of it petrified. The object he found most intriguing was a pressed flower from the vase that sat on the table beside her bed, where he'd placed fresh ones almost daily.
There was a piece of Harry's old Nimbus 2000, and a picture of her screaming and clawing at her face when Harry fell off of it. Harry shuddered at the sight of the fear in her eyes. There was a small piece of chain that Harry recognized from the time turner, an old wanted poster of Sirius Black that made Harry's stomach clench and his heart skip a beat. A feather from Buckbeak and the rock she'd thrown through window of Hagrid's hut.
Harry couldn't help but to wonder how she'd managed to save all of this stuff without either him or Ron knowing anything about it.
The list of items went on and on…her robes from the Yule Ball, the articles that ran in Rita Skeeter's column of The Daily Prophet, more pictures, and a small notebook, which Alyssa opened up to the middle.
"Harry and Ron are at it again," she read. "I don't understand how two people who claim to be the best of friends can be so bloody stubborn. I've chosen, wisely I imagine, to spend my time with Harry. He needs me so much more than Ron does. Ron just doesn't get it. There's no possible way that Harry could have put his name into that blasted Goblet. Sometimes I just really don't understand boys."
She turned a few pages to a new entry.
"I hope Harry does well in the second task. I'm terribly worried for him, as we haven't been able to find a way for him to breathe underwater. I know I'm missing something, and I feel like I'm letting him down. I just don't understand how this can possibly be so difficult. I'll continue to look until I either find something…or die trying."
"Did she love you even then?" Alyssa asked.
"I always thought she fancied Ron," Harry admitted. "But now, looking back, I'm not entirely sure anymore."
"I think she loved you," she said, nodding assuredly. "I can't imagine mum ever loving Uncle Ron. He and Aunt Luna are too right for each other."
Harry ruffled her hair affectionately. "Very observant for such a young one, aren't you?" he teased. "Sometimes it absolutely amazes me how like your mother you truly are."
Alyssa smiled, feeling truly proud for the very first time, that Harry so easily compared her to Hermione. It made her feel good to know that she reminded him of the person he'd admired most in the world. "Thank you," she said, "for comparing me to her. It sounds like that's a lot for me to live up to, but I'm up to the challenge. I'll make you proud."
"You just be yourself and you'll make me proud enough," Harry gently chastised. "You don't need to be like anyone but you. It's who you are naturally that reminds me so much of your mum. It's not learned, it's what's inside you. Remember that."
Alyssa nodded her understanding and then returned to the trunk. She pulled out a few select items from their last three years and Harry happily explained them all to her. It wasn't until they reached the bottom of the trunk that Harry let out an audible gasp. At the bottom of the trunk they found "Hogwarts: A History" and Hermione's favorite quill, teeth marks included.
Alyssa opened Hermione's most treasured book. Inside was a single sheet of parchment with the words, "I hope now you'll understand," written in her mum's now-familiar handwriting.
Harry put his arm across Alyssa's shoulders. "Do you?" he asked softly. "Do you understand it all now?"
Alyssa looked up into her father's eyes, so like her own and she smiled. It was a smile that told him everything he needed to know, and so much more. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "It's all going to be all right, baby girl," he whispered into her hair. "So long as we have each other, everything will be all right."
Alyssa pulled out of her daddy's arms and looked up into his eyes. "We'll always have that, daddy. Always."
She turned to the stuff that had been taken from the trunk and one by one, she replaced all the items, with the exception of her mum's favorite quill and her copy of Hogwarts: A History…and that single piece of tile that signified the beginning of the greatest relationship that Alyssa thought she might ever know…one that she could only hope to replicate in the future. She looked up, beyond the ceiling of her room, imagining the vast, dark sky above her. "I love you, mummy," she whispered. "Thank you."
EPILOGUE
10 years later…
Alyssa stood on the steps of the house she'd grown up in. All around her family and friends gathered to pay their last respects to the greatest man she'd ever known.
No one understood what had happened. A seemingly healthy man, Harry was hardly forty when Alyssa discovered him `sleeping' peacefully in his bed. His eyes were closed as they should have been, but the calm expression he wore told her everything before she was near enough to touch him.
She sat at the edge of his bed and held his exceedingly cold hand in her own warm one. She didn't will him to life, she didn't burst out into tears and curse the heavens for taking him from her. Instead, she looked up and spoke in a calm, clear voice, "Hi Mum, it's me, Alyssa Rose, dad's on his way to you. Take care of him. He's been missing you for nearly 21 years and I know he must be excited to be finally returning to you. I love you both."
She lowered her head and to her amazement, the drawer on Harry's nightstand, the one she'd never been able to open as a child, was now laying its contents bare for her. She pulled it open fully and rifled through its meager contents, feeling guilty as though she was betraying her father. "I'm sorry, daddy," she said vaguely as an envelope caught her eye, drawing her mind from anything else.
Alyssa Jane, My Baby Girl, was written on the outside. She pulled it out and removed the single page letter from within.
My Dear, Sweet Alyssa, My Baby Girl,
There's so much to say, but you know me, I'm a man of few words. I watched you get married today and, admittedly, it broke my heart to think that I had to give away the wonderful gift of you. You have been my reason for living for so long now that letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do…
Don't get me wrong, sweetheart, Jonathan is a good man and I know that he'll take care of you. I don't think it's ever easy to let go of something even when you know it's being left in the most capable, loving hands. I love you both. I know that you will have a lifetime of love before you. For that I am eternally grateful.
Today I watched as you held your newborn son. Yes, it's been a while since I've updated this letter…a year and two months, to be exact. Seeing you with little Benjamin really brought back a lot of memories. It seems only yesterday that I held a little you in much the same way. Jonathan was standing just a little behind you, watching you as you smiled and cried. He loves you, Alyssa…and that is such a beautiful thing to see.
I know that should I die, you will be well taken care of. You will live to see thousands of nights watching Benjamin chase fireflies with Jonathan beside you to keep you company. That's the way it should be, baby girl. It should be exactly that way.
Some day I'm going to have to leave you, you know that, right? I'm sure it will be years and years down the road, but know that when I do, I'm going to claim my happiness…the one that goes beyond the strings that tie me to this earth. I know now that you have found yours and I pray you'll understand that someday I must find mine. I love her as much today as I did…probably since the day I met her.
I'll write more, although I'm sure you can count on another big gap. I love you.
Although undated, Alyssa knew the last update couldn't have been more than a few weeks ago…it was only a couple of days prior that they were all together, celebrating Benjamin's one month birthday. She looked down at her father and ran her fingers through his hair. "I love you, daddy…and as hard as it is to let you go, I'm happy for you," she whispered.
She went to place the letter back in the drawer when another caught her eye. She pulled it out and shook her head. "You'd think this is the only way we communicate," she said with a soft, melancholy chuckle.
This time it was a paper folded in thirds, on the outside it read, To My Hermione.
Alyssa looked down at her father, her mind grasping the fact that he would never awaken from this slumber, and yet not allowing herself to feel the pain that was sure to accompany the realization when it pierced through her very thin layer of armor.
"I hope you don't mind, daddy," she said in a surprisingly calm voice. She opened the paper and read…
My Dearest Hermione,
You know how much I miss you. There's not a night that's gone by in the past 20 years that I haven't shared that very fact with you.
I know that you see our baby girl, how much she's grown, how beautiful she is…how much she is loved. I know that it's wrong of me to want that same kind of love for myself because I know that the only way to find it is with you…which means, I would have to leave her. It's so hard to know how to make a choice. It's never been an option before. Until now, she's needed me and I've needed her.
You know me better than to think I could take my own life. That could never happen. I just wonder if by writing it down, by telling you in this way, you and whatever powers-that-be will know that I am ready. When my time comes, I'll be awaiting death's embrace with open arms.
Just as I know you will be awaiting me in much the same way.
I love you and God willing…I'll see you soon.
Harry
Alyssa sat beside her father for an indeterminable amount of time, crying for the loss of him and yet rejoicing in the fact that her parents were finally being reunited. She'd watched her father for so many years and it always broke her heart to know that the mist in his eyes had everything to do with how much he missed his Hermione. She placed her hand against his cold cheek and whispered the words, "I love you, daddy. Thank you."
She stood and placed everything back into the drawer, making sure not to close it. With one final look at Harry's peaceful form she strode from the room. When she entered the living room she stopped. On the wall above the mantle was a portrait that always seemed to speed up her heart and leave her with a sense of longing…
FLASHBACK
"Alyssa, I have to ask you something," Harry said solemnly. They had just arrived home from Kings Cross, it was the start of the summer before Alyssa's third year at Hogwarts.
"What is it daddy?" she asked.
"I've been um, rummaging…through things and I…I found this picture…."
He held the picture out to her and Alyssa smiled down at the image. "She's beautiful, dad," she said, looking down into the smiling face of her mum before returning it to him. "Who's the baby?"
"The child of one of her cousins or something," Harry replied, waving his hand as if to say that was all irrelevant. "It doesn't matter, not really. What I want…the reason I'm showing it to you, is that…" he sighed heavily and closed his eyes. He looked up into the concerned eyes of his daughter. "I'm sorry, Alyssa, I'm making more of this than I should, I know that," he took another deep breath, "the thing is, I want to commission someone to paint it."
Alyssa looked at him skeptically. "Why?" she asked curiously. "You don't even know who the baby is. Well, not really," she added hastily.
Harry chuckled hollowly. "Not at all, Alyssa, it's all right. The fact is, I want to have it commissioned with you in her arms. I just want your permission first."
Alyssa shook her head. "Why would you want to do that?"
Harry looked down at the picture, tears welled in his eyes and he had to clear his throat before speaking. "It's just…I've always wondered how…" he looked up Alyssa and took another deep breath, "how you'd look, being held in your mum's arms like that."
Alyssa backed up until the backs of her knees met the sofa and she sat down heavily. "I've…always wanted to know how it felt to be held by her. I don't know if I…" she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
Harry sat down beside her and picked up her hand in his. "I know, Alyssa. I understand. That's why I had to ask you first. It's okay if you don't -"
"One condition," Alyssa interrupted.
Harry looked at her questioningly. "What's that?"
"You have to be in it, too."
"Alyssa, I -"
"That's the only way, daddy," she stated firmly. "You've always been here for me. A picture like that wouldn't be complete without you in it."
Harry did the only thing he could…he pulled her into his arms and nodded gratefully.
END FLASHBACK
Alyssa stared at it for a moment longer. Hermione was seated in a chair, Alyssa held lovingly in her arms, and Harry standing above them, looking down. Looking at it now, she realized that she'd never really seen that look on her father's face before. It was a look of total love and devotion…a look of completeness.
After one final look around, she apparated home to call her grandparents and to begin making arrangements for her father's funeral.
The funeral was held only two days later and now Alyssa stood, looking out amongst all of their family and friends. She felt his presence before he touched her or spoke a word. "Jonathan," she said softly as his arms wrapped around her from behind. "Just what I need," she said as she laid her head back against his shoulder.
Jonathan smiled and kissed her cheek. "How are you holding up?" he asked.
Alyssa turned her face toward his and closed her eyes. A vision filled the darkness…
It was evening, the sky was the muted shade of blue-black that always comes just before the moon and stars fill the night sky. She could hear, so clearly, her mother's laughter, accompanied by the familiar sound of her father's.
"Have you caught one?" her mum shouted gleefully.
"Two," Harry shouted back, with a bragging sort of undertone.
"Well I've got four," Hermione retorted with what Alyssa was sure was her best tone of superiority.
"Well how many fireflies do you think we need, love?" Harry said, shaking his head and laughing.
Hermione opened her arms wide and they fell into each other. "Well, how many years do we have to make up for?" she asked.
"Too many," Harry sighed, claiming her lips with his own.
"I love you, Harry," Hermione replied, pulling back slightly and looking into his eyes.
"And I love you," he softly returned.
They looked together toward their daughter. "She's so beautiful," Hermione said wondrously.
"She's so much like you that I'm amazed by her every day."
"I wasn't even there," Hermione replied, trying to keep her tone light. "How could she be like me?"
"Alyssa?" Jonathan whispered a little louder into her ear. "Alyssa, are you all right?"
Alyssa blinked her eyes a few times and then smiled. "Never better."
………
Somewhere in the heavens Harry was smiling at his Hermione. "Just like her mother," he whispered her against her lips.
`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.
A/N: For those of you who have been ready for me to end this story and get back to Discovery, your wish is my command. This one is over and I should be able to get back to Discovery very, very soon. Thanks for your patience.
Hopefully the other plot bunny will rest until I can get the next Discovery chapter out! Sometimes they come hard and fast and I find them impossible to ignore.
Thanks so much for all your support.
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