Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and other characters, they belong to JK Rowling.
A/N: This story is inspired and based on "Van Wilder - Party Liaison" as it is one of the most hilarious movies I've seen recently. It is AU so years they are attending to may be different from canon, as well as Hogwarts organisation is. There aren't Houses anymore but clubs based on subjects and similar. That's how the students are divided. Hope you'll enjoy this story, and please review, even if you don't like it, let me know ok?
The Party Thrower
Chapter One
"Money troubles"
(Harry's POV)
It's 1st September. Time to leave your parents and enter the new student body. As for me, as all the last three years, I'm going to start the term with a tradition. A ritual, if you want, that helps me putting my head into the right focus.
You know, Madam Hooch is really wonderful for these quickies. Yeah, she is a bit mature, but nobody can overcome her experience…
What? Sex? Who is talking about sex? I was talking about a quick match of Quidditch!
You know, you really are perverts. If you were here, I could audition you as my assistants.
Why do I need an assistant? You'll see soon enough.
Sorry now, but I need to go. Seems there's chaos in the grounds…
(Third person POV)
Harry Potter exited the castle and searched for the source of the mayhem.
There was it. A first year had taken a broom and was hovering over the crowd.
"Wait, boy. I don't think you want to do that" Hagrid bellowed.
"I'm going to fly away. I don't want to be here! I want to be with Mama!" he screamed.
Harry was near him in no time, on his Firebolt.
"First year can be pretty stressful, Timmy, I know"
"My name isn't Timmy" the boy protested.
"Whatever. I like Timmy. Now, do you know what I've learned in my ten years at Hogwarts, Timmy? You cannot read all the situation as life or death, man, cause you would die a lot of times. Write that down"
"I don't have a pen right now" the boy squeaked.
"Well, use your memory then. Do you know another thing Timmy? I think you've the balls to make it. Call me nuts, but I believe in you. Sometimes, your head stops you. In those cases you've to follow your heart"
Then Harry turned his broom. "Let's go down now, Timmy"
But the boy simply launched his broom, flying away. Only, he fell and Hagrid took him before he hit the ground.
"Good job, Harry, thanks!" the half giant said with his booming voice.
"Remember, Timmy, my motto: "Don't be a fool, stay in school!"" Harry shouted to the tiny boy. Then he steered his broom and flew back to the castle.
"I love this place!" he said while the crowd was cheering him.
(Harry's POV)
I'm Harry Potter, and this is my home: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. What's that? Oh, yes, the tenth year I'm here, and I'm proud of it. Those years have passed even too quickly. I'll never be able to pay back what this school has given to me.
You see, normally school lasts seven years, but if you know who I am, surely you know I've not had the best youth, with my parents killed by a madman, ten years with the Dursley, then the same madman after me and a prophecy telling I should kill him or die. So, when in my sixth year I finally managed to put good old Tom to rest for the eternity, I thought I deserved some fun.
From that derives the fact that I'm going to attend seventh year for the fourth time.
(Third Person POV)
Harry reached an empty class on the second floor. There was an huge line in front of it, occupying most of the corridor. He simply passed near them.
Whispers were heard while he was passing.
"He's here! He's arrived!"
In front of the room, Harry's best mate Ron Weasley was waiting for him.
"Wow, that's a real crowd" Harry said, looking at the line. Why did all of those students be there? It was explained by a big banner over the door.
"Harry Potter's assistant interviews today" was written on it. Harry and Ron entered, and one by one the candidates were interviewed.
First to enter was Terry Boot, a fifth year.
He started dancing and spinning.
"I was the best dancer in my magical first school" he said proudly.
Harry and Ron looked at each other.
Then it was the time for Michael Corner to try. He was a third year. Harry and Ron showed him some drawings, and he had to tell them the first thing that made him think of.
First sheet was blank with only a black rhombus in the middle.
"What is this for you?" Ron asked.
"Well, for me that's a rhombus"
"Yeah, I know that's a rhombus, but what it makes you think of?"
"I don't know. Why should a rhombus make me think of something?" Michael asked.
No comment from Harry or Ron. Then it was time for a beautiful girl to enter. They became immediately interested, but as soon as she spoke they freaked out. In fact it was no other that a boy who had transfigured himself to look as a girl!
Then an athletic guy entered. "If you follow my discipline, your mind will become a weapon!" he said. He was a Muggle-born who had practiced karate till he entered Hogwarts and still did during the summer. But then, when he tried making an hole in the wall with his punch, he broke his hand and fell on the ground, passing out for the pain.
Harry and Ron started laughing.
The last one to enter was a seventh year.
After reading his curriculum, Harry spoke.
"I'm sorry, you don't really meet the profile"
So, one after the other, all the candidates were discarded.
Ron and Harry reached their dorm. Harry had a private one, a privilege he had earned himself for defeating Voldemort, and Ron lived with him.
"Not one candidate acceptable. What's wrong with the youth out there?" Harry asked to no one in particular once in his apartment.
"Muggle tevelision burns their brain cells" Ron said.
"It's television, Ron. However, I'm sure we'll find someone soon or later"
Just in that moment someone knocked on the door.
"Wait. I'll go get it" Ron said, standing up with his sandwich still in hand and his mouth full.
"Looks we got one more" the redhead said to his friend then.
So the boy entered and seated in front of Ron and Harry, saying nothing.
"So, what's your name?" Harry finally asked.
"I'm…Neville Longbottom"
"Ok. And where are you from?"
"I'm a transfer student from Beauxbatons"
"Welcome. What can I do for you?" Harry asked.
"My exchange program ends at the end of the term. Then I'll have to go back to France where I've very few friends. I would like to be your assistant, Mr. Potter"
"Ok. We'll do just some words associations. Milk"
"Tit" Neville blurted out.
Harry and Ron shared a look.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm a bit obsessed. I hear milk and I think about two giant breasts. I've never had a girlfriend, and I want to fuck with someone before the end of the year, because you see, in France no girl looks at me with interest, and I thought maybe here in England I could learn something. I can't go home virgin! I've got to do it at least once before leaving!"
Harry and Ron were speechless.
"I would like to be your assistant, Mr. Harry Potter" Neville ended.
And so it was.
They left the room and Harry led him to a quick tour of the school.
"I'll give you my classes schedule, and you'll manage my girlfriends and fans. I care about first years with troubles, I am a supporter of the parties for saving the Divination club and the Ancient Runes club. Here's the "Sick guy", every week he's a new sickness that even Pomfrey can't cure, he was hit by a curse when he was young and those are the effects. We keep him here and I bring him medicines and his classes notes" he said, instructing his new assistant.
In the meantime, in the room of the "Hogwarts Prophet", the newspaper of the school, the director, Remus Lupin, was talking with his best reporter, Hermione Granger. She was a sixth year, and a very bright witch.
"Rights of the House Elves, How to avoid social revolts, Goblins and Centaurs, all stories wonderfully researched and written by our Hermione Granger", she smiled, happy for the praise, "and all skipped by the major part of the students". Her smile faded.
"I don't care, I don't write for them" she replied. Remus showed her a framed copy of the newspaper, the one most appreciated in the last fifty years.
""Pranking against drinking. What's the funniest way to pass a night with friends?" by Oliver Wood. Is that the same…"
"The same Wood who won the prize for the best young reporter in the Wizarding world and teaches journalism at the London Wizarding University. He's written his best articles while in treatment for alcohol addiction, and it still happens to him now and then. I've got a very challenging assign for you" he said, giving her some sheets. "Something nobody was able to write"
"About what?"
"No, no, no. About whom" Remus said smiling. Hermione did not seem too happy.
At the moment, Harry and Neville were entering the Quidditch stadium. It had become a tradition that instead of a school Quidditch cup, all the Wizarding schools would participate to a world Quidditch School Cup, so there were no House teams but only school teams. Houses had been banished to try and promote unity in the school, and avoiding rivalries.
So that day there was a match between Hogwarts Hurricanes and Durmstrang Punishers. Harry was not playing as he was too old by now for competing with students. That would have been an unfair advantage to Hogwarts. However, he was extremely attached to the squad.
After two hours, the score was Hurricanes 10 - Punishers 180. The Snitch had not been seen yet.
"This isn't going well" Neville said.
"Only a miracle can make Hogwarts win now" Ludo bagman bellowed from the enchanted microphone.
When the coach of the Hurricanes called a time out, Harry ran there to speak with them. The players listened at him and not at their coach.
"This team is the heart of this school. If you win, its honor will be intact. If you lose, it will crumble. You're the Seeker, Cedric. You've to be fast, reactive, bloody hell. You two, what kind of Chasers you are, that you can't score more than one goal? Accuracy, that's what you need. You need to be attached to the Quaffle like a baby to his mother's breast. Dean, have you forgot how to stop their throws? You're being ridiculous as a Keeper. And the Beaters! Have you managed to hit their Chasers once? Nope. I would do everything for you guys. In fact, I'm organizing a party for tomorrow, but only if you win. Wanna know why? Cause nobody wants to celebrate a loss"
"Will you invite those hotties from Beauxbatons too?" one asked
"I already did"
All of them started chuckling.
"They said they will come only if they are not occupied shagging with the Punishers" Harry added.
"What? The Punishers? That's ridiculous! Come on guys, we'll win the game!" Dean Thomas shouted.
And so it was. One after the other, they scored lots of goals, till one hour later the score was 180 to 180. And then Cedric Diggory, a seventh year, caught the Snitch after a perfect Wronsky Feint.
Next night, they were rewarded with an huge party, a pajama party to be precise. Everyone had to wear their pajamas. And the Beauxbatons chicks did come after all.
In the meantime, Hermione had gone to meet her boyfriend, Draco Malfoy, who was president of a club in Hogwarts, the "Delta Iota Kappa", as they had to study together. She entered the club common room, while they were doing an initiation of new members.
"What are you ready to do for being a "Delta Iota Kappa"? Are you ready to be cursed till you can't suffer the pain, and you'll start developing an internal bleeding that could cause you a malfunction of the reproductive system?"
"Draco, drop the medical terms, just terrify them" one of his friends whispered.
"This is terrifying!"
"Hey, Draco, you ready to study?" Hermione said sweetly, entering just in that moment.
"Hermione! What are you doing here? I said half past nine! It's just twenty past nine! This tradition has gone on for 800 years! I'll be ready when I've done my duties as president"
"Ok, I'll wait for you then"
"Ok. Who's my princess? You are. You" he said sweetly to her, while his companions shook their heads.
While passing she whispered to the newbies. "Easy guys, it's just tickling charms"
So when they were to be cursed, they were more than eager, and not frightened at all. Draco swore under his breath, not happy with what Hermione had done.
Contemporarily, the party was in full swing, everyone was having a great time, Neville was enjoying for the first time alcohol and the sight of many stunning girls, all with a ridiculous blonde wig on his head. Pretty much everyone was already pissed, when a brown owl entered the window.
Some drunk guys tried even to catch it to have fun, but the animal zoomed past them, flying through the room the party was held in till he found Harry. Then he let the envelope fall and flied away.
"Hey, Harry, open it" Neville said.
"Yeah, mate, let's see what that is about" Ron added.
Harry knew from the moment he had it in his hands that it was no good. The seal of Gringott's was on it.
He tore it open, and read.
"Dear Mr. Potter,
we are sorry to alert you that your vault in the bank is completely empty and we have already provided you with credit for 5000 Galleons. You'll not be able to spend anymore money and you need to fix your debt as soon as possible, or you'll incur in trial.
Gringott's Bank"
"Oh shit" Harry muttered.
Next morning he wrote a reply for the bank.
"Head Goblin of Gringott's Bank,
I need some time to find the money for paying my debt. I'll not able to do it till the end of the school year at least. I can't do more than that to fix my debt quickly so please give me the school year before you bring me in trial. Maybe I could pay my debt in installments during the year.
Harry Potter"
The same day he got the ok from the bank to pay his debt with an installment plan, but only if he was able to bring his vault on at least 3000 galleons fulfillment. They sent him a sheet he had to compile and send back.
Harry demanded that to his assistant Neville.
"You've to do four payments of 2000 galleons each" he said.
"I'm sorry Neville. I'll need to renounce to your services. I haven't got the money to pay you"
"Oh, I'm not abandoning you, Harry Potter. All the Wizarding World has a debt with you, and this will be my way to pay it back. I'm staying for free"
"Ok" Harry said unconvinced.
"How much money do you have?" Ron asked.
"He's got only 20 Galleons" Neville answered.
"What the hell are you going to do with 20 galleons, Harry?" Ron asked.
With the way Harry had been behaving the last three years, the reply could be only one.
That night they sneaked out of the castle and went to Hogsmeade to a strip club, "The Veelas' Burrow", where Neville got the chance to look at an almost naked woman from close range, something he had never been able to do in all his life.
"That is Tonks, she is an assistant at Hogwarts" Harry said.
"I would like to have a teacher like that one" Neville blurted out.
(Harry's POV)
And from that a great idea was born: "Tutor in Topless".
Tonks and her friends from the club helped the Hogwarts population studying in a very original way. They had notes written on their breasts, and if the student got the answer right, they would show the notes to them to check, showing their boobs in the process too.
Needless to say it had a great success with the male students. The girls are happy as they earn some more money, and Neville is a careful manger of the society. And the major client too…
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