Disclaimer: I don't own any character! all belongs to J.K.Rowling
Authors note: hugs to Mabel who's been so generous and betaingthe story andbeacause without her I wouldn't be able to update this.
Chapter 4; Confusion
Harry came down to kitchen ten minutes later and Hermione saw signs that he had been crying, but didn't comment on it.
"Now it's my turn to ask questions," she said sheepishly to him. "How do you like it here?" she asked and put a cup of tea before him when he sat down.
Harry tried to smile as he took the tea from her. "It's perfect," he replied quietly and looked around the kitchen. It was much bigger than the kitchen at Number 4 Privet Drive and even bigger than the one in Grimmauld Place. Unlike the atmosphere in the kitchen belonging to the Burrow, there was no magical item in sight. "Thank you Hermione," Harry said and squeezed her hand. "Thank you so much," he repeated to himself and the only answer he got from Hermione was a flash of a smile.
"What are you going to do now?" Hermione asked. "Are you going back to school?" Harry felt a bit embarrassed and immediately looked down as he slowly shook his head.
"No. Hogwarts is no longer safe. There's no point in going back there," he replied.
"But Harry," she began. "What about all the students there? They're counting on you to go back."
"No they aren't. They're safer when I'm not there. They're happier not to have me there, and their parents are happier too," he explained. "The parents are thrilled not to have me at Hogwarts where I'll only be putting their children into danger," he mumbled as he sipped his tea.
"Harry, this is nonsense."
"No it's not. Look at all those years when we've been there. Every time something happens, it's my fault; it's my fault because I'm the bloody boy who lived."
"Harry, what you're saying is nonsense and you know it."
"No it's not, Hermione. Remember our fifth year? People were afraid of me and everybody's parents wanted to take their children out of school because of me," Harry said sadly. He didn't dare look into her eyes, not wanting to see pity in them.
"People were afraid of you because you were the one who told the world about Voldemort's return. They didn't want to believe it; they were afraid to believe you. The Daily Prophet didn't help either by making you sound like a madman," Hermione countered as she tried her best to explain the truth to him. "This year will be different."
"Yes, because it's worse," Harry interrupted and rose up. He walked up to the window and saw the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. "It's worse because Voldemort returned and everyone believes it now Professor Dumbledore's death will only make everyone all the more scared.
"But you, you're the one who can bring relief to people's heart. I feel safer when I am with you," Hermione said and looked at him "So do the others," she added quickly.
"You mean it?" he asked as he turned around to look down at her.
"Yes, I do," she answered
"I don't know, it seems pointless to go back there now that Dumbledore isn't Headmaster," Harry started. "I'm sure the school will be closed anyway," Harry said and turned his eyes to the garden again.
"Beautiful flowers aren't they?" Hermione asked as she appeared next to Harry, who simply nodded. "School may not be closed, Harry. I've been in contact with Professor McGonagall and according to what she's told me, I think Hogwarts will open its doors to all students. She will be Headmistress," Hermione said. "You should think about it, we have nothing better to do anyway."
"Nothing better to do?" Harry asked in disbelief. "We have to find the remaining horcruxes and destroy them!"
"I know Harry, and that's what we're going to do. Voldemort knows nothing about that, right? He has no idea that some of the horcruxes have already been destroyed," she said and Harry gave her a quizzical look. "Well, yes, he knows that the diary is gone, but he doesn't know about the ring and the locket. Wouldn't it be odd if you didn't go to school?" she asked. "That would make him suspicious, Harry, and I'm sure he knows or can find out if you're in school or not. If he doesn't find you there, he's going to look you somewhere else and then he may realize what you're up to and put the horcruxes somewhere else to protect them with more spells," Hermione reasoned.
Harry thought about what she said to him, and of course she was right. Would he be strong enough go back to Hogwarts where he would have to look at Professor Dumbledore's grave everyday? He didn't think he could bare it and he didn't think he was ready for it, yet she was right. He had no choice but to go back to school, and continue living his miserable cursed life.
"But how will we get the horcruxes while we're there?" he asked
"We'll do our research at Hogwarts and when we find something, we can talk to Professor McGonagall and tell her we have to leave school for few days to continue Professor Dumbledore's work. She'll understand."
"We can't. We can't tell her about the horcruxes, Hermione," Harry interrupted as Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Merlin's beard, Harry, let me finish," she said getting annoyed by the interruption. "We won't tell her what work we'll be continuing; we'll just say that we have to do what he asked. She won't ask any more questions."
"How do you know she won't start asking questions?"
"Harry…"
"Err... sorry," Harry apologized.
"Professor Dumbledore stated in the letter he left me that this is what we need to tell to Professor McGonagall. I suppose he left a note for her as well; a note where he forbids her asking any question from us," Hermione explained. "And we'll simply tell the other students that we've gone to the hospital wing or something similar."
"That should work," Harry said slowly nodding his head.
"Of course it will, I've worked it out from every possible angle and we could use polyjuice potion as well. I'm sure an Auror would be glad to help us out with that, even Remus would help us, I'm sure," she said and looked at her friend. He looked so exhausted and she guessed he had heard more than enough for one day. It was getting late too. "I think you need to get some rest Harry, you don't look too well," she commented with concern.
"Yeah, you're probably right," he replied as he rubbed his eyes slightly. He looked at the garden once again, and asked, "Are we allowed to go there? Is the garden protected as well?" Seeing Hermione nodding, he went straight to the backyard. He sat on a wing and stared at the flowers that surrounded him. He knew they were plants from the wizarding world because he had never seen them before; he had never seen such beauty. When he looked up and saw the sun setting, he heard Hermione coming closer to him, but didn't move himself. He didn't even say anything.
"This is the wing where your mother held you in her arms when she wanted to put you to bed," Hermione told him in a soft whisper. Harry looked up at her, grateful for telling him that little piece of information. He didn't even bother to ask how she knew it, but guessed that Professor Dumbledore had told her.
"The…the portrait-" Harry started, but Hermione interrupted.
"Won't move. I'm sorry Harry," she said quietly. Harry nodded and wiped another tear.
"I miss them so much," he said. "Being in this house…it seems so familiar and yet it's unknown. It seems like I know the house, I feel like I've been here, like I have some memories here, but I can't remember them. It scares me Hermione," he said and looked at the setting sun again. "Everything you've done here in this house with Professor Dumbledore, you have no idea how much it means to me. I'm so grateful to you," he said to her.
"Shh, don't say anything," Hermione replied quietly and put her arms around him, comforting him.
They sat in the garden for a long time looking at the sunset and Harry finally calmed down when Hermione told him to get some rest. Harry did as he was told and lying on the bed that once belonged to his parents, he thought of the day that had gone by so quickly. He thought of Hermione and Ron; thought about how Hermione had comforted him and how good he felt around her. No one before Hermione had comforted Harry like that. It was an odd feeling. He felt embarrassed about crying in front of her at first, but he felt much better afterwards when he saw she understood. He knew Hermione didn't mind the crying, and he appreciated her for it. His life always seemed to brighten up a little bit whenever Hermione was around and everything was much easier because there was always some logical excplanation to everything.
With Ginny, he never felt as comfortable and he couldn't show his tears in front of her. Perhaps it was beacause Ginny always saw him as a hero; never getting to know the real Harry Potter like Hermione did. Whatever it was, he was confused at the fact that he could tell Hermione anything and everything but not to Ginny. He hated keeping secrets from Ginny, but he couldn't tell her everything, she wouldn't understand. Even Professor Dumbledore didn't want him to tell Ginny everything, but why? Why wouldn't Professor Dumbledore allow him to talk about his upcoming mission with Ginny, knowing how he felt about her?
Maybe that was the reason. Maybe Harry wasn't allowed to tell Ginny everything beacause he cared about her and was very close to her. He had to keep everything from her for her safety or perhaps Professor Dumbledore didn't trust her. Maybe Dumbledore was afraid of what she might do if she found out what was going on. No. Ginny couldn't, wouldn't betray him, would she? Would Ginny run off if she knew the truth, or would she stand next to him just like Hermione and Ron?
Harry always thought that honesty was the most important thing in a relationship. Professor Dumbledore must have known that as well, but why did he want Harry to start keeping secrets from his girlfriend? Was that the reason why Harry couldn't continue the relationship? Breaking up with Ginny because of her safety wasn't a good enough reason. Ginny and all of Harry's friends were always going to be in danger. He didn't break his friendship with Ron and Hermione because of their safety. He wanted to do that, but his friends were too stubborn and stuck by Harry no matter what. Why didn't Ginny do that? Why didn't Ginny fight to stay by his side like Ron and Hermione did? Harry wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he put her in any danger, but didn't she care for him as much as he thought she did?
And what did Harry feel for her now? He missed her, that was for certain, but did he still care for her in that way? True, she's a beautiful witch, but did he ever have real feelings towards her? Perhaps he wanted to live normal life so desperately and wanted to know what it felt like to be a normal teenage boy who didn't have to worry about the future; a boy who could enjoy having a girlfriend just like everybody else.
But what about the monster inside of him whenever he saw Ginny with someone else? Was it jealousy that she could live normal life and he couldn't? Or was it just beacause he wanted to protect her like a brother and didn't want anyone to take advantage her? Harry couldn't help but think about all those things before falling into dreamless sleep in his new home.