Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter, I just torture the characters for my own and others' amusement. I don't own the lyric bits, either.
Chapter 2. Hermione's Little Secret
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Do you hear me? Do you care?
Do you hear me? Do you care?
My lips are moving and the sound's coming out,
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realise what has been said.
You look at me as if you're in a daze,
It's like the feeling at the end of the page, when you realize
You don't know what you just read…
Excerpt from the song 'Words' by the band Missing Persons.
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Harry, Ron and Hermione stepped down from the Hogwarts Express onto platform nine and three-quarters, dragging their school trunks behind them. They scanned the platform, watching the students struggling with their belongings and the anxiously awaiting families who, once seeing their children emerge from the train, rushed to quickly embrace them. Some families immediately apparated their children away, not wishing to linger any longer than absolutely necessary, while others ushered them unceremoniously to the gate that led to King's Cross Station and to the muggle world.
They looked around the platform, amazed at how few people there were compared to years past. Small groups of people, keeping to themselves, whispered their greetings. Rows of unused luggage trolleys were lined along the walls. Usually, it was a wrench trying to find one without elbowing people out of the way.
"So," stated Harry as he loaded his trunk and Hedwig's cage onto a trolley, "You know what the plan is, at least for the next few weeks. There's not much to do until my birthday, anyway."
"Well I'm sure I'll be busy," moaned Ron, "the family is already going spare with the plans for the Bill's wedding, and that's not until next month. They had to move back the date because of… you know, Bill's…"
There was a pause, as they all knew it would take time for Bill to recover from the attack by Greyback.
"You still have your apparition tests to look forward to," said Hermione, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"Yeah, and we still have to make the appointment with the Ministry," said Harry, "We're still taking it together, right?"
"You bet!" answered Ron, "I'll talk to my dad about setting up the appointment as soon as I get home."
"Right, then," Said Harry, who then turned to Hermione, "and you'll be at your parents until the wedding?"
"Well," said Hermione tentatively, "I thought I… we would be with you when you left the Dursley's, if you don't mind, of course. I could help you move your things into storage at Grimmauld Place. I still think you should let us stay with you until you leave those wretched people, though."
"No," answered Harry with a slight sigh, "as much as I would love you guys being with me, I know that Uncle Vernon would never allow it."
"You probably won't be there for very long, anyway," added Ron, "the wedding's just a few weeks before your birthday, and like I said, I'll have my hands full with the preparations. Mum's already talking about shifting the entire garden closer to the pond just in case we need more room."
Just then, they saw Mrs. Weasley hurrying up to the trio, giving each a smothering hug, "How was the trip, dears?" she asked.
Ron momentarily glanced at Harry, then at Hermione before answering "It was fine, mum."
Noticing the hesitation, Mrs. Weasley glared at the tree of them. Harry promptly added, "Everything's fine, Mrs. Weasley, seriously."
Still not entirely convinced, she quickly surveyed the three of them, and seeing nothing amiss, decided to let it drop. "Well, let's be off, Ron, there's so much to do back at the Burrow… honestly, I don't know how we're going to get it all done in time!"
It was then that Harry noticed that Ginny was nowhere to be seen, "Where's Ginny?" asked Harry, looking around, "I'm sure she was on the train."
I already apparated with her to the Burrow," stated Mrs. Weasley, "she insisted that I return her right away, she seemed a bit upset, but she wouldn't say why."
"I don't know either," supplied Harry, "I haven't seen her since we boarded at Hogsmeade."
"In any case, we'll be seeing both of you very soon, I'm sure." she said to Harry and Hermione as she ushered Ron off to the apparition points.
"Send us an owl once you're back with the Dursley's, do let us know if you need anything," said Ron just before Mrs. Weasley apparated them both away with a loud crack.
Harry turned to Hermione, "Let's get through the gate before Vernon has a…"
Harry went silent abruptly as he looked over Hermione's shoulder and saw a very old witch dressed in rather plain grey robes. She was greeting a young student who had just climbed off of the train. Behind her stood a small girl, who was wearing tattered and patched robes. He could tell that her robes were at one time black, but were now gray with age and wear, obviously handed down many times. The little girl also wore a faded, threadbare cloak, its hood pulled over her head, shadowing most of the girl's face.
A glimmer of recognition flashed in Harry's mind as he looked at the little girl, although he was quite sure he had never seen her before. He motioned towards the old witch and the student she was greeting and asked Hermione, "Do you know who they are?"
Hermione, who had already turned to see what had distracted Harry, answered, "I think the boy's name is Barnabas Windon, a second-year Hufflepuff, if I'm not mistaken."
"Is that his family?" Harry asked, not taking his eyes off of the small girl.
"I'm not sure, I suppose...," replied Hermione.
Not really knowing why, Harry walked towards the small group. Hermione followed a few paces behind. As Harry approached, he saw the boy look at him with wide-eyed surprise, his mouth hanging open.
"Um… Hello," said Harry, addressing the young Hufflepuff.
Barnabas stood for moment, not believing that Harry Potter was speaking to him, "Uhh… umm… hello?"
"My name is…" began Harry.
"H-Harry P-P-Potter!" Barnabas whispered in awe.
The old witch raised her eyebrows, "The Harry Potter?" she asked, in a haughty voice. Harry thought she sounded much like Draco Malfoy in her manner of speaking.
"Yes," Harry answered simply, "and this is my friend, Hermione Granger"
Hermione nodded and smiled meekly.
"Yes…" the old witch repeated, paused for a moment, and then continued, "What can we do for you, Mister Potter?"
"I just wanted to wish Barnabas here a good holiday." Harry then turned to Barnabas, "I hope you will come back to Hogwarts next term, that is, if the school reopens. I'm sure it will still be one of the safest places you can be, even with the… recent events."
Hermione stood a few paces back, wondering why Harry was speaking with these people, seeing that since he had to ask her who they were but a moment ago.
"Well, s-sir…" began Barnabas.
"Call me Harry," he interrupted, smiling.
"Um…" He was quite taken aback, unable to believe that Harry had even acknowledged his existence, "well…"
The old witch, seeing Barnabas' apparent inability to reply, said, "Rest assured that if the school, indeed, reopens, both Barnabas and this girl here will be in attendance." She indicated the small girl who had been hiding shyly behind the old witch's robes. "Her name is Kotone Oota and she will start her first year this fall."
Harry turned to Barnabas and asked, "Kotone? She seems too young to start school… Is she your sister?"
"My sister…?" Barnabas replied, dropping his eyes to the floor, "No, I have no family. Didn't you know that I live in the orphanage run by the Ministry? We both do, in fact."
"Oh… I'm sorry, mate, I didn't know," said Harry, who showed a marked embarrassment.
"No need to be sorry, Harry," he said with a slight, understanding smile, "I know that you're an orphan, too. Anyway, I know she looks young, but she'll be eleven in August."
Harry nodded. He wondered if their life in a wizarding orphanage was any better than his own dismal upbringing with the Dursleys.
He then turned to the small girl who was still hiding behind the old witch, "Are you looking forward to going to Hogwarts this year, Kotone?"
"She doesn't speak." Said the old witch, her voice turned somewhat softer, "but she can, in a sense, communicate with you, if she wants to, that is."
For the first time since Harry approached, the little girl peeked out from behind the old witch's robes. The little girl still had the hood of her cloak pulled low over her head, and the large collar of her robes were turned up and buttoned over the lower half of her face. All anyone looking at her could see of her face were her amazingly violet, cat-like eyes flashing out from beneath the shadow of her hood.
Harry's expression noticeably softened the instant his gaze met hers, sad violet locked with bright green. For a long moment, he just stared at her. The train, the people, the whole platform seemed to dissolve fade around them.
He then heard a soft, ethereal -and strangely familiar- voice echo in his head. It was definitely a foreign language, but the words seemed to translate in his mind, 'Please feel safe, I'll protect you.'
Harry's eyes followed hers as she slid behind the old witch's robes once again. Before her eyes disappeared behind the cloth, he felt that she was smiling beneath her collar, although her almond-shaped eyes remained mournfully sad.
The second that the eye contact was broken, his surroundings slammed back into existence around him and gave him a sudden, disoriented feeling. Harry shook his head slightly and blinked, trying to get his bearings again. He wondered what the girl meant by protecting him.
Harry looked to the old witch, "Is that legillimancy?"
"A form, I suppose… it does take time to become accustomed to her form of communication," she answered.
"Quite right," Harry agreed, "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, ma'am, I'll leave you to your business."
"Good bye, Mister Potter," said the old witch.
"Bye," said Barnabas meekly, still not believing that Harry had actually spoken to him.
Harry turned to walk away but paused, and then turned back as he reached into the pocket of his jacket and withdrew his moneybag.
"Ma'am, could I ask you could do me a favor?" he asked as he emptied his bag into the old witch's hands.
The old witch looked at the pile of wizard coins in her hands and eyed Harry curiously.
"Would you please buy Kotone a new set of robes for school, and if there's enough left over, throw it in for her new books," asked Harry, "she'll have a hard enough time fitting in without having to deal with the snobbishness of some people."
For the first time since meeting him, the old witch smiled at Harry and simply nodded.
"Come on, Harry," said Hermione, "we need to go to the gate, our families are probably starting to worry…"
Harry gave Hermione a look that clearly stated that the last thing the Dursleys would do for Harry is worry about him.
"Sorry…" Hermione gave Harry an apologetic look, understanding exactly what his eyes were telling her.
They started walking towards the gate that led to King's Cross Station. Harry noticed Hermione glancing at him as they made their way to the gate. She wore an expression which made it apparent that she was debating with herself whether or not to ask him something, most likely something that she was sure he didn't want to be asked about.
They were just about to pass through the gate, when Hermione, having finally come to a decision, grabbed Harry by the arm and dragged him aside.
"Harry," she began, looking nervously at her best friend, "I think you should go to St. Mungo's and get yourself checked out. What happened on the train nearly scared us to death! Even that auror thought…"
"Hermione," Harry said with a sigh, "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me, I probably haven't gotten enough sleep since… well, you know…"
"Harry, you're not fine!" she whispered fiercely, "'Fine' people don't hysterically go on about seeing dead people all over the place… 'fine' people don't go on about being not able to think…" her voice raised a bit higher, he could see the beginnings of tears at the bottom of her eyelids, "'fine' people don't keel over and nearly die!" Harry could hear the plea in her voice, "Harry, what scares me the most is after you woke up, you didn't remember any of it! If you would have heard yourself, you'd be scared, too!"
Hermione then did something that Harry wasn't expecting. She wrapped her arms around him, buried her face in his chest and hugged him tightly. A small sob escaped her lips as she continued, "Please, Harry… if anything happens at the Dursleys, they'll have no idea what to do! I'd feel so much better if you'd just get yourself checked out at St. Mungo's!"
Harry looked around helplessly over the top of her head and whispered to her, "Hermione, I'm ok, really. I promise you that if I start feeling dodgy, I'll send Hedwig off to you or Ron…"
"By the time Hedwig gets to one of us, it may be too late!" Hermione hiccupped and pulled back from his chest to look into his eyes, "I'd hate to think what would have happened if that auror wasn't…"
Harry took the palms of his hands and gently rested them below her cheeks. He wiped away the tears that had streamed down her face with his thumbs and smiled at her, "Look, Hermione, I'm just tired. After a decent sleep, I'll be right as rain."
Hermione looked into his eyes, trying to make him understand how much she cared, but upon seeing the determined look on his face, she just sighed and admitted defeat. "OK, if you won't go to St. Mungo's at least let me go with you to your house."
"What?!" Harry looked blankly at her, his mind racing. The idea of Hermione staying with him, well, what would Ron say? He quickly dismissed the thought, "Uncle Vernon would never let you stay with me!"
"Not to stay, Harry," she clarified, although if she thought she could get away with it, she probably wouldn't have had a problem with the notion, "in order for me to apparate to your house, I'd have to have been there already. Once I get the location, I'll apparate back to my parents' house and can return any time I need to."
"Oh, I see." Said Harry, who, much to his surprise, felt a brief pang of disappointment hit him. "Well, it won't hurt to ask Uncle Vernon, but you know how he feels about 'our type' of people."
"Right, then…" said Hermione, straightening herself and wiping the remains of her tears, "Let's go find out."
A moment later, they were stepping out from platform nine-and-three-quarters into the bustling King's Cross Station. Immediately, Hermione spotted her parents, who were talking to each other animatedly a short distance away while patiently awaiting her arrival.
While Hermione moved to greet her parents, Harry wandered around, searching for Vernon Dursley amongst the busy crowd of afternoon commuters. 'Strange,' he thought to himself, 'the fat git is usually fairly easy to spot.'
Harry walked outside of the station, and looked around at the parking area, expecting to see the Dursley's car, but after fifteen minutes of searching, he started to wonder if his uncle got the day wrong, or perhaps just left after just a few minutes' wait.
He turned around and hurried back to the station. Hopefully, Hermione hadn't yet left with her parents. Upon entering the station, he heard his name being called. "Harry! Over here!" He saw Hermione waving to him, making her way through the crowd towards him. He motioned for her to meet him near a closed ticket booth, where there weren't as many people milling around.
Finally out of the shifting throngs of commuters who were making their way to and from the trains, they had a chance to speak.
"Where's your uncle? I told my parents that I'd accompany you to your house, that is if he'd let me, of course." said Hermione.
"I can't find him," said Harry while he scanned the crowds, still hoping to catch a glimpse of his uncle in case he was running late, "I looked out in the lot and I didn't see his car. Are your parents still here? Perhaps they could give me a ride in case he doesn't show."
"No," said Hermione, "they already left with my school things. I told them I'd apparate back to the house after I saw you home."
"Well, I suppose we'll have to wait, I don't know what I'm going to do if he's forgotten that I'm returning today. It's earlier than usual, you know."
Hermione took Harry's arm in hers and led him towards the exit, "We should wait outside, then."
They left through the main exit into the warm light of the late afternoon sun. They found a bench where they could watch the station for any sign of the Dursleys.
They sat quietly for a while, watching people come and go, until Hermione broke the silence, "That was a very kind thing you did for that little girl."
Harry thought for only a moment before he realized what she was referring to, and then a small, short-lived smile flitted across his lips before a somber look took its place, "I felt sorry for her. I know what it's like to be poor. I never had anything new when I was growing up. All my clothes were the rags that Dudley couldn't fit into anymore. You must remember what my clothes were like on the train first year. I'm still embarrassed about it, even now. I must have looked pathetic." He finished with a small frown.
Hermione said nothing, she just kept looking at the dwindling number of people walking by.
Harry continued, "At least I found I had my inheritance when Hagrid took me to get my first set of robes. That girl doesn't even have that."
"What did she say to you?" asked Hermione.
"It was strange," he said, "her voice just drifted into my mind when I looked into her eyes…"
"You saw her eyes?" asked Hermione, "I couldn't see them beneath her hood."
"I've never seen eyes like them, they're a hard to describe shade of violet, and they looked really… sad, not the 'on the verge of tears' sad, more like, well, like she's carrying a burden of some sort. I know that's not much of a description, but… like I said, it's hard to describe."
Hermione just nodded.
"When I looked into her eyes, I could hear her voice in my mind. It was a language I've never heard before, but I could understand what she was saying, sort of like it is when I'm using parseltongue. What she said was curious, though… first, she told me to 'feel safe,' then told me that she would protect me…"
"That's all she said?" asked Hermione, "That is curious."
Harry looked thoughtful, "When I first noticed her there, I could have sworn I had met her before, but I know I haven't, I think I'd have remembered someone like her."
"I wondered what made you go over and talk to them." said Hermione.
"I don't know, I just felt I had to. I felt some kind of connection."
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching the daylight disappearing below the tops of the surrounding buildings.
"How are you feeling now?" asked Hermione.
Harry sighed, "Still a bit tired, I feel fine besides that."
"I don't think your uncle is coming today, we should have seen him by now if he were here."
"I was thinking the same thing." said Harry.
"Well, what are we going to do?" asked Hermione, "I don't think I'm comfortable enough to try side-along apparition, that's a splinching begging to happen."
"I suppose I could take the Knight Bus," said Harry, "oh, but I gave all my money to the old witch…"
"I have enough for two fares, Harry," Hermione smiled at Harry, "my treat."
"Are you sure, Hermione? You don't really have to come along, the Knight Bus isn't the most comfortable ride, and at this hour, it might take us half the night to get to Surrey."
"It's alright, Harry, I don't mind at all."
Harry debated with himself for a moment before coming to a decision. "No, actually, I want you to go home. If you can give me a galleon or two for now, I'll send Hedwig here to pay you back."
"Harry, I want to come along, this may be my last chance to see where you live. If I go home now, I won't be able to get to you if you need me."
Harry looked down at the ground, searching for the right words, "You don't know how lucky you are, Hermione."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You have a family to go home to, parents who love you and have missed you. I'm sure you have friends at home that will be waiting for you, too…"
"But…" interrupted Hermione. Harry didn't notice the frown that appeared on her face.
"Hermione, I would give everything I own for what you have… for what Ron has. I spend a lot of time thinking about what life would have been like for me if I had just a little more time with my parents, if they had lived long enough for me to remember what they looked like. I mean, God, I can't even remember what my parents looked like! I have pictures, sure, but it just isn't the same. I feel like I'm stealing time away from you, time that you could be spending in a real home, with a real family. You know what we're about to do. You know the risks involved. I want you to go home now and cherish what time you have with them."
"Harry, you aren't stealing anything from me, I just want to make sure you're…"
Harry took her hands and looked into her eyes, "You know, there's a good chance that once we start the search, you may never see them again. If I survive, I don't have a home or anything that I would want to return to. Both you and Ron do. You both have reasons to live, people who love you, and…"
Harry paused, finding the next words rather difficult to get out, "you and Ron have each other."
Hermione dropped her gaze to her lap, trying to hide the moisture building in her eyes. She remembered what he had whispered to her before he passed out on the train. She knew that, if he truly did love her, he was hiding it, either to preserve their friendships or to protect himself from having to hear her say that she did not feel the same way. She knew her own feelings. She knew that she had a crush on him in first year, but was hopelessly in love with him since their second year. She also knew her own fear of destroying their friendship by letting that little secret escape. The fear of him saying that he did not love her as anything other than a sister was enough for her to keep her feelings to herself. Did he really mean what he said? Was it just some delirious rant? Was he actually going to say that he loves both Ron and her like siblings?
"I know you both are with me for the duration," Harry continued, "and you know I need you both. Dumbledore told me as much, and I agree that it would be suicide for me to try to get through this without the both of you, but until we get started, please don't waste any more of your time on me."
Hermione's head snapped up at these words and she wrenched her hands out of his, "Don't you dare try to tell me that any time spent with you is wasted!" she said, wiping her eyes on her sleeves, "That goes to show just how much you know about me! You presume that since I have parents, its hugs and kisses and love and attention all day long. Just because you never had any friends because that bastard cousin of yours intimidated everyone around you into ignoring you, you presume that I had lots of friends around to talk with, or play games, or sports, or to do all those things that friends do with each other."
Hermione was on her feet, breathing hard and clearly getting angry, "Not to take anything away from you, Mister Potter, I know you've had a worse childhood than anyone else I know, but don't believe for an instant that you're the only sad, lonely and neglected soul on this planet. Ok, you never knew your parents, Fine, I'm very sorry, but imagine what it's like to have your parents alive, but gone for most of nearly every day, absorbed in their work. Imagine that even when they came home, you never saw them because they had cloistered themselves in their study, pouring over records and invoices until long after you fell asleep. Imagine them leaving you behind for weeks at a time while they flew off on exotic vacations, leaving you with a mean, rotten nanny who took great pleasure in making your whole, miserable existence a living Hell every time you stuck your head out of your room. Ok, other kids were afraid to be your friend, but imagine, Mister Potter, going to school every day, or just walking around your neighborhood, being called "Muletoothed Jackass" or "Bucky Beaver," being beaten by all the other kids just because you're ugly!"
A flame lit behind Hermione's eyes, "Then at Hogwarts, I thought that being around my own kind I'd be accepted for whom I was, but I quickly found that being a muggle-born witch put me in a class far below a 'Muletoothed Jackass.' I suddenly transformed into a 'Mudblood,' a dirt-veined stain on the Wizarding world!"
Hermione was face to face with Harry, her hands grasping the back of the bench that he was sitting on, "Why do you suppose I became, as Snape so succinctly put it, an 'insufferable Know-It-All'? Why do you think having my head stuck in a book comes so naturally to me? I'll tell you why… because for my entire, wretched life, the only place I could go where I wasn't beaten, ignored, insulted or neglected was in a God damned book!"
Harry was speechless. He could feel Hermione's hot breath on his face with every word she spoke. His heart was hammering against his ribs. He had never seen this side of Hermione.
"You talk about love. Imagine, Mister Potter, having parents alive and well, and not remembering the last time you were told by either of them that they loved you? Yeah, lucky me!" she spat, "You say I have Ron. Well, let me tell you, Mister Potter… sure, I admit it, I snog him once in a while, between arguments of course, because he's one of the two people I've ever known who wanted to snog with me, but only hidden away so nobody would see him kissing an ugly, pathetic geek like me! You can't seriously believe he'd take me anywhere public, do you? I do not consider us a couple because even he has never told me he loves me and he never would! I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what the word love means and I'm absolutely positive the coward would never say it to me anyway!"
Hermione's eyes narrowed, burning into Harry's. Her nose was practically touching his as she spoke. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but she forestalled him.
"And now, the one person in my life who I consider my very best friend, one of the only friends I've ever had in my whole, pathetic life, the one person I've spent countless hours supporting and helping, the person I've sat side by side with during nearly every meal, the one person who I've shared nearly every, single waking hour in and out of classes with…" Hermione paused and swallowed hard. Her tears were falling onto Harry's chest and her voice became wavering and rasping, gradually increasing in volume, "the one person I care more about than any other being on this miserable planet tells me that I'm wasting my time?
"I'M WASTING MY TIME?" Hermione screeched as she pushed herself away from the bench and dug her hand into her clothes to retrieve her moneybag.
Harry just sat with his mouth agape, trying to take in what Hermione had just said.
"Fine!" she said, throwing the bag into Harry's lap. "That should get you to where you want to go. I'll just head home to my loving family, say hello, then lock myself in my room and bury myself in a book until you decide you absolutely need me, or should I say, until you need the ugly, bossy, know-it-all me to pull your arse out of some fire that you throw yourself into."
"Hermione…" said Harry as he suddenly leapt up from the bench and moved toward her.
Without even bothering to see if any muggles were looking, she spun around and disapparated with a crack, leaving Harry standing there, reaching out to the empty space that she stood just an instant before.