Told You I Was Ill
by lithen
THE SHOW OPENS WITH HARRY AND RON TALKING BY THE LAKESIDE. HARRY IS LOOKING TOWARD THE LAKE. RON IS BUSY DRINKING MILKSHAKE FROM A PLASTIC STRAW.
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SHOW THE CREEVEY BROTHERS HIDING BEHIND A NEARBY BUSH. COLIN IS STRUGGLING TO SETUP HIS CAMERA. DENNIS IS BEING CRUSHED UNDERNEATH.
CUT BACK TO HARRY AND RON.
HARRY: Can't believe were finally going to leave this place.
RON: Mhmm. (FX: noisy slurping)
HARRY: We've had so many memories here. Lots of adventures.
HARRY SHAKES HIS HEAD. A SMALL SMILE ON HIS LIPS. RON NODS HIS HEAD WITH THE STRAW STILL IN HIS MOUTH.
RON: Mhm. Mhmm. (FX: even noisier slurping)
HARRY: When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of winning the house cup or the quidditch matches…
RON RAISES AN EYEBROW. HARRY'S SMILE GROWS WIDER.
HARRY: No. My fondest memory was seeing Hermione's tits.
RON CHOKES ON THE STRAW AND SPILLS MILK ON HIS CROTCH. FX: HACKING AND WHEEZING SOUNDS. RON GULPS FOR AIR. RON GRABS HARRY BY THE COLLAR, EYES WIDE, MILK OOZING FROM HIS NOSE.
RON: What?!
A LOUD FLASH IS HEARD. BOTH RON AND HARRY ARE OBLIVIOUS. CUT TO THE CREEVEY BROTHERS.
COLIN: What do you suppose those two are talking about?
DENNIS: Dunno. Something about `her tiny tits.' Can't really hear.
COLIN: `her tiny tits?'
DENNIS: Yeah. Anyway, did you get it?
COLIN: Of course! They don't call me the `Phantom Photographer' for nothing. Mwahahaha…
DENNIS: But they don't.
COLIN IGNORES HIM AND CONTINUES MANIACAL LAUGHTER. DENNIS SNATCHES THE PHOTO. THE MOVING PICTURES SHOW RON GRABBING HARRY BY THE COLLAR AND PULLING HIM IN. IT APPEARS LIKE RON IS ABOUT TO KISS HARRY.
DENNIS: This is so wrong.
CUE MONTAGE PROGRAM INTRO OF HOGWARTS STUDENTS DOING REPETITIVE MENIAL SCHOOL TASKS WITH FAKE HUGE SMILES TAPED OVER THEIR MOUTHS, SNAPE AND HAGRID IN TUTUS, MCGONAGALL MUDWRESTLING, AND DOBBY DOING SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE WITH A SOCK. MUSIC OF VARIOUS PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
TITLE CAPTION: HOGWARTS 2021
CAPTION: (Pilot Episode: Its Milk)
SHOW RESUMES.
THE CREEVEY BROTHERS ARE WALKING TOWARD THE CASTLE. COLIN IS STROKING HIS BEARD, WHICH COMPRISED OF TWO OR THREE STRANDS OF HAIR.
COLIN: So, who do you think Harry was talking about?
DENNIS: About?
COLIN: The girl with tiny tits.
DENNIS: I don't think it's really our business, bro.
VOICES: No. But it is ours.
DENNIS TURNS AROUND. LAVENDER AND PARVATI ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM.
LAVENDER: What's this about Harry and tiny tits, hmmm?
PARVATI: Yes. Please do tell.
THE TWO GIRLS SMILE EVILLY, THEIR EYES GLOWING EERILY.
A WHIP ONE CARRIED, A RUBBER CHICKEN THE OTHER HARRIED.
THE ONLY THING LACKING, WAS A PADDLE FOR WHACKING.
DENNIS: W-we heard Harry say his fondest memory was seeing tiny tits.
LAVENDER: Is that all?
DENNIS: That's all! I swear!
COLIN NODS IN AGREEMENT AND GULPS. THE TWO GIRLS HURRY OFF LAUGHING SHRILLY.
COLIN: That was scary.
DENNIS: Sure was.
VOICE: Not as scary as I'll be.
THE BROTHERS TURN AROUND AGAIN TO FIND ROMILDA VANE GLARING AT THEM.
ROMILDA: Where's that picture of my *darling* Harry I asked you to take?
COLIN: H-here it is.
ROMILDA: This better be worth the 100 galleons I paid you.
ROMILDA SNATCHES THE PHOTO AND LOOKS AT IT. HER MOUTH OPENS AND CLOSES LIKE A GOLDFISH. HER FINGERS TIGHTEN AROUND THE PHOTO.
ROMILDA: Wha, what, wh-wha, what…
DENNIS: Brother, I think she's in shock.
COLIN SHAKES ROMILDA BY THE SHOULDERS. ROMILDA SUDDENLY RAISES A FIST TO THE AIR, CATCHING COLIN ON THE CHIN.
ROMILDA: You're dead, Ron Weasley!
THE CREEVEY BROTHERS WATCH ROMILDA RUN OFF. SOUNDS OF ROMILDA SHOUTING EXPLETIVES IN THE BACKGROUD.
DENNIS: Girls are frightening.
COLIN: Right. That's why I don't like girls.
DENNIS: Brother… Just stay away from me.
CHANGE SCENE: GREAT HALL, DINNER
STUDENTS ARE HAVING DINNER. HARRY AND RON ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE GREAT HALL. HARRY IS STRAIGHTENING HIS CLOTHES.
RON: Sorry again, Harry.
HARRY: Really Ron, you shouldn't overreact at such a small thing.
HERMIONE: What small thing?
RON: Oh, Hermione, it's really nothing. It doesn't concern you.
RON STARTS WHISTLING. HARRY SHRUGS.
HERMIONE: Riiiight. Anyway, don't you feel something strange here?
SOME STUDENTS STARED AT THE THREE FRIENDS. SOME GIGGLED. OTHERS SNICKERED. LAVENDER AND PARVATI MADE THEIR WAY TO THE TRIO.
LAVENDER: Hello Harry. *giggles*
PARVATI: We heard something interesting about you.
HARRY: Oh really?
DRACO: Hey, Potter! I didn't know you liked tiny tits!
HERMIONE'S EYES WIDEN. SHE LOOKS AT HARRY.
LAVENDER: That's right, Hermione. Harry here likes-
HERMIONE GRABS HARRY BY THE COLLAR.
HERMIONE: I show you my breasts and you have the gall to call them tiny!
HOGWARTS STUD ENTRY: Gasp!
HARRY: Urk! It's not what you think. I never -
DOBBY APPEARS NEAR HARRY'S PANT LEG WITH A POP.
DOBBY: Please don't kill Harry Potter-sir. It wasn't Ms. Hermione's tits sir was talking about.
HARRY: Dobby, you're a lifesaver.
DOBBY: Sir was talking about mine.
DOBBY BEGINS TO LICK HIS FINGERS AND DRAW CIRCLES AROUND HIS NIPPLES.
DOBBY: Ooooooh!
HARRY: GYAAAHHH!
EVERYONE ELSE: Ewwwwww!
HARRY PUNTS DOBBY TO THE GREAT LAKE.
HARRY: Don't say things like that, you idiot! *Huff, huff*
HERMIONE: Well? Whose tits were you talking about then?
HARRY: Like I said-
GINNY: Don't you dare say it's me, Harry. You know how great my goods are.
HOWLS OF LUST ARE HEARD FROM THE BOYS MUCH TO THE GIRLS' ANNOYANCE. HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS NARROW.
HERMIONE: Harry. Explain. Quickly.
HARRY: It was last year. Remember? Sixth year?
RON: I think she wants to know whose breasts are bigger, mate.
HARRY: Ron, shut up.
GINNY JOINS THE GROUP.
GINNY: Tell her, Harry. There's no way I'd lose to a flat-chested bookworm.
HERMIONE: Hey! That's uncalled-for. If I know anything, you're the flat-chested one!
RON: Hahaha! Hermione, don't be absurd. Ginny's not flat-chested.
SILENCE IN THE GREAT HALL.
DRACO: And how'd you know that, Weasley?
LUNA: Yes, Ron. How do you know?
HARRY: I don't really care but-
HERMIONE: Shush, Harry.
RON: Eherm… well… see, our mum is… well, big… at the top. So Ginny… being mum's daughter… maybe she's… big, you know, up there… too…
EVERYONE'S THOUGHTS: Pervert. Sicko. Weirdo.
SLUGHORN: A brilliant deduction, Mr. Weasley. But I'm afraid we need more physical proof to know which tit Mr. Potter was speaking of.
VOICE: Silence, you old coot!
EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE SPEAKER, ROMILDA. CAMERA ZOOMS AT ROMILDA STANDING ALONE IN A CORNER, STRIKING A SUPER HERO POSE. SHE IS WEARING A HEART MADE OUT TO BE A MASK AND AN OVERLY LONG WHITE CAPE (BEDSHEET) WITH HEART PATTERNS HASTILY STITCHED IN. AT THE END OF HER WAND, A PAPER CUTOUT OF A HEART IS GLUED.
RANDOM 1ST YEAR GRYFFINDOR: Doesn't she belong to our house?
MCGONAGALL: Not if I can help it.
NEVILLE: How come we didn't notice her before?
DEAN: Well, being dressed like that, wouldn't you rather ignore her?
NEVILLE: I see your point.
CAMERA RETURNS TO ROMILDA. SHE IS WALKING AWKWARDLY BECAUSE HER CAPE IS TOO LONG.
ROMILDA: Fools! You're all wrong! You argue on whose tit Harry is so fond of when the answer is so obvious and in plain sight.
HARRY: Oh no. What now?
ROMILDA RAISES HER HAND AND POINTS UP TO THE CEILING. SOUND OF ARMY DRUMS CAN BE HEARD. AT THE END OF THE DRUMROLL, ROMILDA BRINGS HER HAND DOWN.
ROMILDA: Him!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
DRACO: Me? What are you pointing at me for?
ROMILDA: Ooops, sorry. Can't see anything through this blasted mask. I meant, him!
ROMILDA RIPS MASK OFF AND POINTS AT RON.
RON: Wha!
EVERYONE: Double gasp!
ROMILDA: That's right! The tit Harry's so fond of belongs to him! And I can prove it!
CUE THE CREEVEY BROTHERS WHEELING IN A CART OF PHOTOGRAPHS. THEY BOTH WEAR HEART-SHAPED COSTUMES AND MASKS. THEY BEGIN DISTRIBUTING THE PHOTOS.
DENNIS: This is embarrassing.
COLIN: I dunno. I kinda like this suit.
DENNIS: I definitely have to stop hanging out with you.
AS EVERYONE SCANS THE PICTURE, EXAGGERATED UNINTELLIGIBLE MOANS OF DISGUST FILL THE ROOM.
RON: Damn it! It isn't even my good side.
HARRY: Ron, just please be quiet.
CAMERA FOLLOWS ROMILDA AS SHE ADVANCES TOWARD RON.
ROMILDA: Did you think I would take this lying down? Harry's mine and - Eeeek! What's that?
ROMILDA POINTS AT RON'S CROTCH. A STAIN IS EVIDENT. EVERYONE LOOKS AT RON'S CROTCH. CAMERA ZOOM ON RON'S CROTCH.
DENNIS: This is so wrong.
DRACO: Did you pee in your pants, Weasley?
LUNA: I'm so disappointed in you, Ron.
HERMIONE: I'm not really surprised.
HARRY: Yeah. You should see his bed in the morning.
RON: Shut up, Harry. This isn't pee and you know it. You did this to me. You made me spill my milk!
DRACO: Milk?
RON: Yeah. Milk. White stuff. Milk, milk.
LUNA: Ron. I can't believe you'd refuse my advances but not his. *sobs*
ALL EYES ON HARRY.
HARRY: Don't look at me! He's nuts!
RON: Just admit it. It's your fault my crotch is wet with milk.
ROMILDA: See! Ron admits it!
DENNIS: That just sounds so wrong.
SEAMUS: Wow. I thought I knew them well.
DEAN: Yeah. And to think we're their roommates.
PAUSE.
NEVILLE: Do you think it's possible to ask Prof. Mcgonagall for a different room?
SEAMUS: Nah. That's why I'm camping out in the common room.
DEAN: Dibs on the couch.
HERMIONE: Oh Harry. I can forgive you for looking at another girl's breast but this… I can't…
HARRY STARTS BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST A WALL.
HARRY: Why me? Why me? Why me…
HARRY'S VOICE TRAILS OFF WHILE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. SCROLL CREDITS.
SHOW CLIP OF AUTHOR FACING A COMMITTEE OF MEDI-WIZARDS AND WITCHES.
HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: This is your latest story?
THE HEAD MEDI-WIZARD WAVES THE 9-PAGE STORY. AUTHOR NODS.
HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: It's still not good and the ending is weak but it's obvious your idiocy has subsided. I think the rest of the committee agrees that you can be discharged from the asylum now.
AUTHOR: *sobs* Thank you. You won't regret this.
HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: Just one last thing.
AUTHOR: Yes?
HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: What do you think of `Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince?'
AUTHOR: I think it's extremely well written. The character development and emotional tone was superb. And Harry and Ginny. Wow! They're made for each o-
HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: Nurse! Get in here and triple the patient's dosage. It's obvious he suffers from a severe form of dementia.
CUT SCENE TO THE AUTHOR BEING THROWN BACK TO HIS ROOM IN A STRAIGHT JACKET. GILDEROY WAVES AT THE CAMERA.
AUTHOR: No! Please! I repent! I repent!
END
CAPTION: NEXT TIME ON HOGWARTS 2021
CAPTION: MTG - MUGGLE THE GATHERING
SCENE OF FRED AND GEORGE PLAYING CARDS.
FRED: I attack using my `Playground Bully' and use the fast effect `Fatty Fries' to increase his bulk by +3 and add trample.
GEORGE: I pay three money and tap my `Four-Eyed Geek' to special summon the `School Principle' from the graveyard. This card has the power to send your bully back to your library. How's that for detention?
END CLIP.
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