Told You I Was Ill
by lithen
PLAY INTRO
CAPTION: HOGWARTS 2021
CAPTION: Episode 1: Battle!
END INTRO
SETTING: Gryffindor Common Room
THE SHOW BEGINS IN A SOMBER MOOD. GINNY IS CRYING ON RON'S SHOULDERS. VARIOUS STUDENTS SURROUND THEM, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION. ALL THE STUDENTS ARE PLAYING CARDS. THE ROOM IS DECKED BY LIT CANDLES AND THE SOUND OF WONKY VIOLIN MUSIC CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. CUE TO HARRY AS HE ENTERS THE ROOM.
HARRY: What's going on here?
HERMIONE: Good, you're here. Ginny's heartbroken. Draco has been sentenced to four years in Azkaban.
HARRY: That's terrible!
HERMIONE: I know.
HARRY: He should get life!
HERMIONE WHACKS HARRY ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
HARRY: Ow! What's he in for anyway?
HERMIONE: You know that string of muggle disappearances?
HARRY: He got blamed for that?
HERMIONE: Yes. But I've a feeling that the real person to blame is underfoot.
FRED: Geez! Will you get off us already?
GEORGE: How long are you gonna keep standing on us?
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL HERMIONE STANDING ON FRED AND GEORGE. THE TWINS STAND UP. HERMIONE IS FLIPPED TO THE GROUND. HER KNICKERS ARE EXPOSED. A LOUD FLASH IS HEARD. COLIN HANDS THE PHOTO TO HARRY.
HARRY: Thanks a quid!
COLIN: Heh! I'm the Phantom Photographer after all.
COLIN BOUNDS OFF, LAUGHING DISTURBINGLY. HARRY POCKETS THE PHOTO.
HARRY: Another one for the collection.
CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON FRED AND GEORGE (WORMS POV).
FRED: So you've found us, have you, Hermione!
GEORGE: You truly are the cleverest witch of your age!
HARRY (voiceover): Like that's got anything to do with it.
HERMIONE: Hah! I knew you two were behind the muggle disappearances.
NEVILLE: I wonder how she figured that out?
DEAN: Well, she [is] the clever-
SEAMUS: -est witch of her age, yadda, yadda. So we've heard about a bajillion tim-
HERMIONE: Silence!
HARRY: But Hermione, how did you figure it out?
CAMERA SHOWS HARRY WITH A CHOCOLATE FROG HALFWAY IN HIS MOUTH. HE'S PLACING THE PHOTO INTO AN ALBUM LABELED `THE MANY KNICKERS OF HERMIONE GRANGER.'
HERMIONE: It was easy. The cards.
HARRY: Cards?
HERMIONE: Yes. The new card game from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes: MTG - Muggle, The Gathering TM. (FX: Sound of thunder and a lightning flash)
NEVILLE: TM?
DEAN: Yeah. `cause some wizards from the coast might sue for copyright infringement.
NEVILLE: I see.
HARRY: But what does Muggle, The Gathering TM (FX: Sound of thunder and a lightning flash) has to do with the disappearances?
HERMIONE SNATCHES A CARD FROM A RANDOM FIRST YEAR STUDENT.
HERMIONE: Look at this card.
CAMERA ZOOMS AT THE CARD AND SHOWS THE AUTHOR IN HIS ROOM SITTING ON THE BED AND STARING BLANKLY AT THE CEILING. HE IS GENTLY SWAYING BACK AND FORTH, DROOL DRIPPING DOWN FROM HIS MOUTH.
LAVENDER: That poor thing!
PARVATI: Yeah. The length some authors will do to insert themselves in a Harry Potter fic.
LAVENDER: Sad, really.
HERMIONE: See that pathetic boy in there? He's real! The twins had been abducting muggles and turning them into cards!
EVERYONE: Muooooooo!
NEVILLE: Muoooo?
SEAMUS: Everyone's tired of gasping.
NEVILLE: Muooooo!
SEAMUS WHACKS NEVILLE ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD. DEAN WHACKS NEVILLE FROM THE FRONT. AT THE SAME TIME.
FRED: Hahaha! So you do know!
GEORGE: You really are clever!
HERMIONE'S THOUGHT: I never get tired of hearing that.
FRED: And would you like to know how we did it?
HERMIONE: No. Not really.
GEORGE: Then we'll tell you! You don't have to beg.
HERMIONE: *sigh*
FRED: It's because of this.
GEORGE SEARCHES THE INSIDES OF HIS ROBE AND TAKES OUT A BOX-SHAPED OBJECT WITH A TURNING HANDLE AT THE SIDE. HE BEGINS TO WIND IT. SOUND OF TIN CANS RATTLING AND SPEEDING UP, FOLLOWED BY AN ALARM CLOCK RINGING AND THEN THE PLUCK OF A GUITAR STRING.
HERMIONE: You used that contraption?
GEORGE: Heavens, no. This is my watch.
FRED TAKES A SMALL GOLDEN ORB FROM HIS POCKET. IT HAS A CARVING OF AN EGYPTIAN EYE ON IT. HORSE HAIRS SEEM TO SURROUND THE EYE.
FRED: Behold, the -
HARRY: Snitch! It's a golden snitch!
HERMIONE AGAIN WHACKS HARRY.
HARRY: Man, you're violent today. I told you I was sorry about last night. I was tired. It's not my fault you were so horn-mmph!
HERMIONE COVERS HARRY'S MOUTH WITH BOTH HER HANDS.
FRED: As I was saying. Behold! The Millennium Eye-lashes! This has the power to take muggles and put them into cards.
GEORGE: It's also a pretty handy mind-reading device but who really cares about that.
FRED: It was while we were vacationing in Egypt…
SCREEN BLURS AND BECOMES BLACK AND WHITE. CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE IN EGYPT.
FRED (narrating): It was there that we were met by a bald , mysterious mystic.
CAMERA SHOWS A BALD MAN CALLING FRED AND GEORGE TO HIS EATERY. THERE IS A SIGN BESIDE THE EATERY. IT SAYS: `SPECIALTY: BAT AND BALL SOUP' AND `FREE GIVEAWAYS TO PATRONS.'
FRED (narrating): He informed us that he had been waiting for us, the chosen ones. We were to inherit a great power but must first pass an ordeal that would test our courage.
CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE SITTING DOWN AT THE EATERY WITH THE BALD MAN SERVING THEM A BOWL OF SOUP.
FRED (narrating): My brother and I were to each finish ten bowls of bat and ball soup, the renowned soup of the gods.
CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE WITH FULL BELLIES.
GEORGE (flashback): That wasn't so bad. In fact, that was delicious!
FRED (flashback): Yes. I didn't know that bat could be served like that. And the meatballs were mouthwatering.
BALD MAN (flashback): Amazing! You're the first Englishmen to ever had ten servings of camel penises and testicles. Well, here's your giveaway.
CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE VOMITING. SCREEN BLURS BACK TO PRESENT. COLOR RETURNS.
FRED: And so we acquired this ancient artifact.
GEORGE: Mwahahahahaha!
FRED: We'll convert every muggle on the planet into cards! We'll make a profit!
GEORGE: Chaching!
HERMIONE: Do something Harry.
HARRY: Right.
GEORGE: Hold, Harry. It mustn't be this way. Come and join us.
FRED: Here's a taste of what's to come if you do.
FRED THROWS A PACK OF CARDS TO HARRY. HARRY OPENS THE PACK AND SCANS THE CARDS. ON THE CARDS ARE VARIOUS SCANTILY CLAD MODELS FROM VICTORIA'S SECRET.
HARRY: Muooooo!
GEORGE: And if that's not enough, take this!
GEORGE TOSSES A SIMILAR PACK AT HARRY. SLOW-MO SHOT AS THE PACK OF CARDS TWIST IN THE AIR. A TRADEMARK LOGO OF A BUNNY, THAT WE CAN'T MENTION WHERE WE GOT BECAUSE PLAYBOY MIGHT SUE US, CAN BE SEEN ON THE PACK. HARRY LUNGES TO CATCH IT.
HERMIONE: Don't you dare open that, Harry!
CAMERA SHOWS HARRY SLOWLY OPENING THE PACK, HIS FINGERS TWITCHING AS HE DOES.
HARRY: So…tempting…must…resist…
HERMIONE: Harry!
HARRY: Right!
HARRY STRAIGHTENS UP AND FACES FRED AND GEORGE, A FINGER POINTING AT THEM.
HARRY: I will never succumb to such foolishness. A hero of virtue such as I can never be corrupted by the baseness of ones such as you. Prepare yourselves, knaves, for you will now know the wrath of my justice!
HERMIONE: Oooh! How heroic!
NEVILLE: Isn't that a bit too much?
LAVENDER: Sounds silly, if you ask me.
FRED: Then it's settled. We'll have a card battle!
GEORGE: If you win we'll stop abducting muggles and return the carded ones back.
FRED: And if we win…
GEORGE: …You'll surrender your photo album of Hermione's knickers to us!
HARRY: I'll never give in to your demands!
HERMIONE: Harry!
HARRY: Fine. But I don't have a deck.
GEORGE: Yes you do.
GEORGE POINTS AT THE PACK OF CARDS HARRY HAS IN HIS HANDS: THE VICTORIA SECRET'S AND PLAYBOY DECKS. HARRY GULP.
HARRY: So be it!
FRED: Battle Begin! Engage virtual battle simulator!
FRED AND GEORGE WAVE THEIR WANDS. THE ROOM SHAKES. SOUND OF GIGANTIC COGS TURNING AND CHAINS BEING PULLED CAN BE HEARD. THE WALLS FALL OFF AS THE FLOOR RISES AND A CARD BATTLEFIELD MATERIALIZES, CARE OF KAIBA INDUSTRIES TM.
NEVILLE: Again with the TM. *shakes head*
HARRY: Forgive me, Hermione. I must open the pack.
HERMIONE: It's okay, Harry, I- HEY!!!
CAMERA SHOWS HARRY FRANTICALLY OPENING THE PACK. HE IS NOW DROOLING OVER THE CARDS.
HERMIONE: You didn't have to hurry that much, you pervert!
FRED: Enough incessant babbling! It's your turn!
HARRY DRAMATICALLY SWIPES A CARD FROM HIS DECK AND SLAMS IT ON THE CARD SIMULATOR. A VIRTUAL REPRESENTATION APPEARS ON THE FIELD.
HARRY: I choose `Policewoman Behind the Porn Shop' in attack position and equip her with `Tazer' in addition to `Handcuffs.' My turn is over!
FRED: Hahaha. A strong opening indeed.
GEORGE: You truly are the boy-who-lived.
HERMIONE (voiceover): What's that got to do with it?
FRED: But now, you'll know why we can never be defeated! I summon `Pam And Erson!'
GEORGE: And I summon `Jen James On!'
FRED: Then we cast this: `Polymerization.' This card has the ability to combine two muggles to create a super muggle!
REPRESENTATIONS ON THE BATTLEFIELD BEGIN TO COMBINE.
GEORGE: Behold! The `2-Headed, 4-Boobed Blonde Babe!'
EVERYONE: Muoooooo!
HERMIONE: This is getting ridiculous.
AFTER ONE HOUR.
HARRY: I unleash a `Bra of Constriction' against your `Over-The-Hill Lingerie Model.'
FRED: I tap the `Quack Surgeon' and counter with `Implants From Hell.'
HERMIONE: Absolutely ridiculous.
ANOTHER THREE HOURS.
GEORGE: I cast `Destroy Enchantment' on your curse: `Belts of Chastity,' to free my `Sisters of the Dominatrix.' `Sisters of the Dominatrix!' Attack using bullwhip!
HARRY: I block using `Feverous Peeping Tom.'
REPRESENTATION OF TOM IS HIT BY WHIP.
TOM: Oohh, yeah! Baby! Give me more!
HERMIONE: I'm leaving.
AFTER SIX, GRUELING HOURS OF CARD BATTLING. HARRY HAD DEFEATED FRED AND GEORGE. CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON EACH OF THEM. THEY HAVE GRINS ON THEIR FACES.
FRED: We admit defeat.
GEORGE: Yeah, but it was worth it going through every card we had.
BOYS IN THE CROWD NOD THEIR HEADS.
FRED: Yup. That was one for the ages.
SCENE CUT TO HARRY AND HERMIONE.
HARRY: Well, the world is saved once again. Thanks to my hard work.
HERMIONE HAS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND IS LOOKING EXTREMELY ANNOYED.
HARRY: Don't I get a special treat?
HERMIONE WHACKS HIM BEHIND THE HEAD.
HERMIONE: Let's go and help Ginny get Malfoy out.
CHANGE SCENE: Minister's Office
RUFUS: You're saying Draco Malfoy is innocent?
HARRY: That's about it.
RUFUS: But I'm afraid we can't let Malfoy out yet.
HERMIONE: Eh? Why not?
RUFUS: There's a law that says that before a prisoner can be set free, he must undergo a quest.
HARRY: A quest?
RUFUS: Yes. To find the Abominable Snowman.
HERMIONE: That's a stupid law!
RUFUS: I made it.
HERMIONE: That's a wonderful law!
HARRY: So Draco has to find the Abominable Snowman before he can be truly free.
RUFUS NODS HIS HEAD. SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.
CAPTION: Next time on Hogwarts 2021.
CAPTION: The Search for the Abominable Snowman
PLAY SHORT CLIP OF THE NEXT EPISODE.
DRACO, GINNY, RON, AND LUNA IS AT THE TOP OF A SNOWY MOUNTAIN.
DRACO: Let's check the instruments again. How's the wind gauge?
GINNY: Working perfectly.
DRACO: And the barometer?
RON: It's fine.
DRACO: How about the weathercock?
LUNA: It's cold and small.
RON: Uhmm… Luna? Can you get your hand out my trousers?
END CLIP
SCROLL CREDITS
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