Hold Me
You've done it now
Now send me way out
I feel insecure
And Desperate
But not right now
I feel it now
And you don't see
The way I see
I've got it now
I'm desperate
-Desperate, The Killers (Hot Fuss 2004)
He stared down at the tiny child that was lying peacefully in the crib before him. The child had tiny wisps of brown hair, and was sure to have deep brown eyes to match. Creamy white skin, he was sure the tiny infant would grow into a beautiful being. Just like her mother.
There was some distant, voice in the back of his head telling him what he was doing was right, even though he was convincing himself that he was doing wrong, and he shouldn't be helping her. Not after what she did to him. This was not his child. Hell, he knew nothing about being a good role model or a good parent. He wasn't cut out to be father-like material. Yet, here he was, staring down at this child that was going to be partially his responsibility now because he wasn't thinking three hours earlier.
His eyes flickered over to the sleeping woman across the room. Her hair was slightly matted, but she was sleeping peacefully. He should have softened at the sight of her, but somehow, he didn't. He knew he should make sure that her child was fine, and then tend to her. He was her last resort, and even though it hadn't been voiced, he knew it. They had not spoken to each other in years; they had moved on, forgotten about each other.
But there was always that one part of him that wondered 'what if?'. Merlin, she had moved to America, married some muggle, and then he received an urgent owl to come to the Ministry of Magic.
He flinched as the child started whimpering. He glanced at the woman on the couch, and back to the child. She deserved sleep, and he wasn't going to deprive her of it. Sighing, he leaned forward in his seat and slowly lifted the child out of its bassinet and securely into his arms. It's crying grew louder, and he cringed and meekly attempted to quiet the child. He reached up with his left hand and gently cupped her warm, soft face, and to his relief, she quieted.
Sighing, he slowly exited the room and walked down the smooth oak staircase, his shoes squeaking slightly as he descended. He walked through the spacious sitting room and into the kitchen. He glanced around and quickly found the discarded bag that had come with mother and child. He un-zippered the powder-pink diaper bag with one hand, while supporting the child with the other. He rooted around in the bag and finally, his lean fingers grasped their goal: the cool glass bottle of milk.
Withdrawing it, he carefully placed it on the granite counter top and lifted the cap off with ease and tossed it carelessly to the side. He lifted it into his grasp and offered it to the child, who took it eagerly. He leaned against the counter as she drank in silence.
"What are you doing?" her voice was so demanding.
"I didn't want to wake you," was his response.
"She's-"
"-fine, I assure you."
"You're inexperienced," she responded flatly as she lifted her daughter out of his arms and into her own.
"It doesn't mean I don't know anything," he countered.
Silence and an arched eyebrow was his reply.
Shaking his head, he turned away from her and stared out across the spacious grounds of his home.
"Are your rooms to your liking? I didn't have much time to prepare for anything. No one normally stays here but me."
"They're fine, I can adjust Sienna's room if it becomes necessary myself. You needn't worry."
He nodded and ran his fingers through his slightly long tresses.
"You need a hair cut," she commented.
"I'm getting around to it," said he, "I haven't exactly had time. This is the first time I've been home in nearly four months."
"Where have you been?"
"Greece," he responded, "working."
She nodded and turned away from him, sighing inaudibly. She chanced a glance over her shoulder at him, and he was still staring out the window, with his hands shoved deep within his pockets.
x-x-x-x-x
Harry shifted comfortably in his semi-conscious state. For those few blissful moments when he couldn't remember the previous day's events, he was thankful. As they came rushing back to him, he found himself wishing he were still fast asleep.
He hadn't had a chance to finish his morning tea when the owl came zooming into his kitchen as he read the morning paper. Hell, he hadn't been home for twenty-four hours and they were already requesting his 'immediate presence'. He had scrawled back he was going to finish his tea and shower before heading in. He knew it would irritate them beyond belief, but it was his time, and he was going to do what he wanted with it.
Finally an hour later, he strolled into the Ministry of Magic, saying quick 'hellos' to a few of his co-workers before he entered the Auror Department. He strode towards the back and abruptly stopped in front of his own office, where the door was slightly ajar.
Frowning slightly, he laid his hand on the door, and it pushed open, revealing the head of the department, Richard Sutcliffe, and a dark haired woman. He was struck by her beauty, then realised she had a child in her arms. He blinked then turned away from her, and met the steely gaze of his boss.
"Mind explaining to me why I've been called in on my day off?" he asked, leaning against the wall, which had been plastered with a map of England, and had various magical glowing dots.
"Surely you recognise this young woman," began Sutcliffe, gesturing to the woman standing beside him.
Harry looked up, and met her intense gaze, it was almost as if she was mocking him, and it hit him like a ton of bricks.
"Hermione," he said bluntly.
"Hello Harry," she said softly.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
Sutcliffe took a deep breath and met Harry's hard stare.
"Mrs Ashdale's husband, Robert, was murdered approximately twelve hours ago while they were staying with Mrs Ashdale's parents in Brighton. We have reason to believe that they were attacked by rogue Death Eaters," he explained.
Harry nodded, showing his understandment. "I understand, and I offer Mrs Ashdale my sincerest apologies," he said, not looking at her, "but what do I have to do with this?"
"Harry, I need you to understand that Hermione has been out of our world for some time, I'm sure you realise this," explained Sutcliffe seriously, "and that's where you come in."
"With all to respect, Sutcliffe, you promised-"
"I know I promised you six months off because you've been going non-stop for the past year and a half, Merlin knows boy you need it, and you will have it, but we need to ask a rather large favour of you."
"Ah," he said knowingly.
"It's not known that Mrs. Ashdale has a child by Robert, and if that was found out, there is quite a large possibility they will go after their daughter. We need you to marry-"
"Are you serious?" he said loudly, straightening up. "I can't-"
"-to marry, and try and pass their daughter off as yours and Hermione's."
"You agreed to this?" he asked her quietly.
"I want to keep Sienna safe, Harry. I don't have much of a choice," she answered quietly.
Harry closed his eyes and exhaled and sank down into the rickety straight-backed chair beside him.
"For how long," he asked finally.
"As long as we see it fit," responded Sutcliffe.
"Why me?" he asked her directly. "Why not Ron, Neville, or Seamus-"
"Honestly, do you think Ron would be capable-?"
"I get it," he said finally. "I-I'll do it."
"Excellent," said Richard briskly, "Harry, Hermione, please follow me to Wizarding Affairs. We'll make it as quick and painless as possible."
x-x-x-x-x
He hardly had any time to register the fact that he was actually getting married to a woman he hadn't seen in nearly six years. He wasn't ready for marriage. He was only twenty-three! Then again, there she was, married for nearly three years with a six-month-old baby. It was definitely something he never expected of her.
It was almost as if she wasn't his Hermione. His Hermione was always career first, family second. She was going off to America to study- and he was furious with her for it. She couldn't leave him right then, he was just going into Auror training, and Ron was off playing Quidditch, he would be left alone, and he wasn't exactly ready to be cut loose just yet. But she left, and he didn't even see her off at Heathrow. They hadn't spoken for weeks prior, and he half-hoped she would show up on his doorstep and tell him it was going to be okay, but she never did. She went to America, and he never heard from her again.
Now, here he was, six and a half years later, standing in front of her in the Wizarding Affairs department, getting married to her. Never once in a thousand years did he expect this. He wanted to live, he wanted to wait years to find a woman to marry, and then have a family, and it was now being forced upon him. He wasn't ready for this. There were no other rooms in his house clean enough for her and her baby; he himself had only just got back from Greece on exchange the previous day.
He was visibly shaken, and he could tell she knew it. He wasn't ready for marriage, and she knew it. She could tell by just looking at the way he held himself together, his hair was messy but seemed strangely styled that way, his clothes were worn just so. He was a single man, and it was obvious he wasn't in an immediate rush to have a family. She felt the smallest ounce of guilt of putting this burden on him, but she had to think of Sienna. It was for Sienna, she kept telling herself.
Besides, she thought, Harry had always said he wanted a family of his own. Just … just maybe not now. She paid attention to his features as the chancellor read off Harry's duties to her as a husband, and hers to him as his wife. Sienna and she would quietly adopt the name 'Potter' and move into his home just outside Wycombe. It would be a dramatic change for him, suddenly obtaining a wife and a stepdaughter, a daughter he would have to try and pass off as his own to his friends. She never even considered the fact that he may already have a girlfriend, fiancé or even a wife. When she and Sienna were brought into the Ministry offices, they wanted to know if she, given the circumstances, had anyone within the Wizarding World to contact and have a safe haven with. Before she could stop herself, the name 'Harry Potter' had flowed gracefully from her lips.
The head of the Auror Department had nodded seriously to her, and turned to his filing cabinet and withdrew an official looking folder with 'POTTER, HARRY JAMES' written across it in dark block letters.
"You're in luck, Mrs. Ashdale," he had said, "Potter just returned home last night."
She nodded solemnly as he produced a quill and a piece of parchment and had sent it off with one of the Urgency Owls. Within fifteen minutes, it returned, with Harry's reply about wanting to finish his morning tea and shower. By the end of the hour, Harry Potter had stepped back into her life.
He looked far more different than she remembered. He had definitely filled out, and had lost his childish glasses in exchange for a pair of what looked like contact lenses. His hair was slightly longer; just reaching the nape of his neck. He looked … good.
Harry seemed agitated that he had been called into work on the day he was to begin his six-month vacation. His agitation quickly turned into seriousness as the situation was explained to him.
At first, he flat out refused; and for the briefest moment it was almost as if her worst fear had come true. Then Sutcliffe had thrown in the word 'baby' and 'safety' and Harry reluctantly agreed too marry her on the spot. He was silent the whole way to the Wizarding Affairs offices, and to her relief, Sienna was still sleeping peacefully.
As their quick wedding progressed, she finally looked up from their clasped hands and met his piercing emerald green gaze. He had quietly said 'I do' with an air of confidence, and she soon repeated him. Her insides seemed to freeze when the chancellor had said 'this marriage shall be sealed with a kiss'. Judging by Harry's bewildered expression, he hadn't been expecting it either.
His rough hands left hers and his right slowly cupped the side of her face and he leaned forward towards her. She closed her eyes as he neared and allowed him to gently tilt her lips towards his. Finally, what seemed like an eternity later, she felt his soft lips against her own. As quickly as he had come, he had left, and she could still faintly taste him on her lips before she turned away from him to tend to Sienna.
Even though she was used to wearing her wedding band to Robert, the one that bound her to Harry somehow felt different. She chanced a glance down at it, and it was quite different. It was a little thinner, and made of an elegant white gold with the tiniest diamond set into it, it was barely noticeable. It was beautiful, she thought as she lifted a groggy Sienna into her arms and kissed her forehead lightly before placing her gently into the pram and followed her new husband out of the office.
"We have arranged a Portkey for you back to Buckinghamshire," explained Sutcliffe, more to Harry than her.
"It won't disturb the baby, will it?" he asked.
"No, it shouldn't. We've modified it so it will be a safer and easier version of side-along appearation."
Harry nodded as they entered the Atrium and the minister withdrew a mangy old boot from the interior of his jacket and set it on the stone banister that led down to the dungeon courtrooms.
Harry stepped aside and allowed her to remove Sienna from her pram and he minimised it with his wand and placed it securely in his jacket pocket. He nodded towards her and they both walked simultaneously towards the Portkey and slowly reached towards it. No sooner than she had laid a finger upon the boot and closed her eyes, she immediately felt a sense of warmth.
Harry watched as Hermione opened her eyes and her eyes darted to and fro drinking in her surroundings.
"I have to go tidy up a couple of rooms," he explained as he rubbed at the back of his neck, something he always did when he was nervous or unsure of what to do. "Help yourself to whatever is in the refrigerator. I haven't got much, I'm sorry."
"It's alright, Harry." She said kindly as she set Sierra back down in her carriage. I'll just look around, if that's alright, familiarise myself with it."
"Go right ahead," he said quietly, casting a look down at Sierra before he disappeared up the oak stairs.
He quickly chose the room across the hall from his own for Hermione, which was currently empty except for a dusty old futon from his previous flat, where he had lived during his training days, and a pile of old boxes. He quickly transfigured the futon into a comfortable looking four-poster bed and the boxes into a dresser and vanity. He cast a quick cleaning spell over the room before moving out to the one beside it. He quickly cleared out the boxes with an 'Evanesco' and conjured what he hoped was the right things for an infant for Sienna.
How in the hell was he going to break it to his friends and the Weasley's that he had eloped with Hermione, and that they had a six-month-old daughter together? They would surely murder him for it. He would never hear the end of it from Molly; he was sure she would take it rather hard because she still held a torch for Ginny and he. She was still unaware that Ginny had been dating Draco Malfoy for the past year and a half; Ginny said she would tell her mother until it was too late; because then she couldn't try and break them up. Strangely, it didn't sound wrong at all, it seemed logical, as she was a Weasley, and he a Malfoy.
Sighing, Harry looked over the banister and saw Hermione gazing out over the grounds, Sienna tightly in her arms.
"There's wards all around the place," he said as he descended down the stairs, "you're safe here, even outside for within a two kilometer radius around the house."
"That's a lot of space," she said dully.
"It's a lot of land," he replied as he joined her side. "I'm sorry about your husband," said Harry quietly.
Hermione nodded. "I still don't believe it … He knew I was a witch, but I never told him about Death Eaters or Voldemort or any of them…"
"Did he know about me?" he asked quietly.
She nodded. "And Ron as well. I didn't think it would be right for him not to know I was friends with you two growing up. It would be an insult to you if I didn't tell him."
"What did he think about Ron and I?" he asked.
She smiled faintly, "he was jealous, a little when he first found out. But I think he accepted the fact that there had been two men in my life previously."
"I'm sure he took comfort in the fact that we didn't speak anymore."
"I'm sorry about that," she said, "I promised I'd write."
"I didn't have time to reply anyway, I was so immersed in training. Perhaps it's for the best."
"Perhaps," she agreed flatly.
Harry exhaled quietly and folded his arms across his chest. "Your rooms are ready."
"That was awfully quick," she smiled as he led her towards the stairs.
"You can change them if you want, I just conjured a few things in case you wanted to sleep, or put Sienna down so she didn't have to stay in the pram all the time."
"Thank you, Harry. I really do appreciate this."
"It's alright, Hermione. Just think of it as time to get to know each other again. It's been a while."
Hermione smiled. "I'd like that, Harry. I really would."