When Hermione woke up the next morning, it took her several seconds to realise several things. A, she was not in her own room, B, she was naked, and C, Harry was sleeping naked with his back to her beside her. Reality had suddenly started to take its toll on her.
I've slept with Harry.
She quickly slid out of the bed, eased the sheet off Harry's body, but carefully leaving the rest of the blankets on him so she wouldn't have to see any of him. She gathered up her discarded clothing and silently exited the room and scuttled across the hallway to her own. Hermione quickly shut the door and locked it, and exhaled as she leaned against the frame.
What had she done? It was almost an insult to her hus- late husband's memory. Then again, she was Harry's wife now. After last night, would it be expected of her to sleep in his room, with him? She wasn't even sure if she loved him or not. He had been drunk for Merlin's sake when he came home. Then again, she herself wasn't that innocent either. After she had put Sienna down for the night, she had had a glass or two of wine from Harry's refrigerator. But she had told Harry to take a sobering potion, which he had done. After that, he seemed less inclined to make love to her; he was almost hesitant. But he did anyway. Perhaps the thought of the consummation of their marriage was floating around in his head, and thought it would be best to get it done now than later.
It was a mistake, she decided as she dressed, a necessary mistake that would surely never happen again.
But what about Harry, she thought. If he had to stay married to her, would she expect him to stay loyal to her? It seemed almost cruel keeping him away from any chance at love. He was only twenty-three, after all. After the incident last night, it seemed he was accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and it was almost as if she was taking him away from the only thing he had known. Hell, he had even said so himself. He didn't know what to do with himself because he rarely had free time during the day. He had a life before she married him, and she took it away because he was her last resort, and surely, he must have felt some resentment towards her for it.
For some reason, it seemed to bother her to see him with Sienna. It bothered her when he made her burst into her little baby giggles, and she didn't know why. It was almost as if she didn't want her daughter to become too attached to him, because she didn't know what would happen if she lost Harry. Sienna cried and cried because Robert wasn't there to help console her, and Harry holding her hadn't helped much, either. Then somehow, Sienna changed throughout the course of the day. She reached out to Harry, the way she reached out to Robert, and something inside of her didn't like it.
Harry wasn't her father, and she wanted Sienna to know it. She wanted to keep Robert alive within their daughter, so Sienna didn't grow up thinking that Harry Potter had always been her daddy, because he wasn't. Robert loved his daughter more than anything in the world, and Hermione was sure it would pain him to see another man raise his little girl, despite the circumstances.
Unfortunately for her deceased husband, that was not the case. Harry seemed to be taking on his role as Sienna's father with full intent of raising her right, and being there for her. And she didn't like it. It might be something she had to get used to, but it was an insult to Robert. She loved him. She didn't know what she was thinking when she was with Harry last night. Having babies with him? It seemed almost laughable to her now. Having babies with Harry. Harry was her best friend, right? He couldn't possibly want children with some woman whom had chose him as a last resort to protect her daughter from Death Eaters. He would want children with a woman whom he loves. Besides, she didn't think she would be having sex with him anytime soon. Their marriage was safe, and that's all that mattered for now.
Hermione pulled her hair up into a messy bun and stepped quietly into the hallway and silently entered Sienna's room. Her face broke into a smile as she laid eyes on her daughter, who looked back at her with her shining brown orbs. Hermione bent down and picked her up and carried her to the changing table. She quickly disposed of her nappy and supplied her with a new one. She dressed Sienna and made sure everything was ready for the day.
Hermione picked up her baby girl and exited the room, and strode past Harry's, which emitted no sounds of life whatsoever, which meant Harry was still fast asleep. She silently walked down the stairs and silently began to prepare breakfast for Sienna and herself. Just as she sat down to have her morning tea, she heard the creak of the stairs, signalling Harry had woken up.
She didn't look up when Harry entered the room, but she felt his eyes on her. She waited for him to say something, but it never came. She dared to look up, but Harry was standing off to the side busying himself with buttering a piece of toast. He was wearing a simple jumper and jeans, and looked as if the previous nights events never occurred, and she was perfectly fine with that.
Once she caught sight of Harry, Sienna let out a delighted squeal, and he spun around and stared in her general direction and smiled faintly. Harry caught her staring at him, and she quickly diverted her gaze back to her tea.
"Morning," breathed Harry as he sat down beside her. His voice sent chills down her spine.
"Alright," she said quietly, still not looking at him.
"Hermione about last night…"
"Sienna's safe now. We consummated it, it doesn't need to happen again," she said briskly, as she stood up and moved towards the sink.
"Right," he said finally as he dragged his fingers through his hair and yawned silently.
When he lifted his head, he looked straight at Sienna and smiled. He quietly rose from his seat and carefully lifted her out of her highchair and into the safety of his arms.
"Thank you," said Hermione suddenly, "I was about to get her… I was going to my mum's today. I haven't seen her since… Robert."
"Yeah," said Harry quietly as he allowed Sienna to be taken out of his arms, "no problem."
"You know my mother's telephone number if you need me, right?"
"It's on the board by the front door," he said as he leaned against the counter and watched her silently fidget with the hem of Sienna's trousers. "Are you alright?" he added softly.
"I'm fine," she assured him, "we'll be back around six."
"I'll be here," he responded finally. "I'll just be in my office going over some paperwork."
"Have fun," she responded as she disappeared from the kitchen and up the stairs to retrieve her things.
x-x-x-x-x
When he woke up this morning, he immediately felt a sense of loss. He had rolled over, and had every intention of pulling his wife into his arms and snogging her senseless, but she wasn't there, and neither was his sheet. He almost felt lost without her there beside him. She didn't even wake him to let him know she was leaving. When he finally mustered up the strength to pull himself out of bed, he prayed to Merlin that she was at least still in the house.
Then as he was getting dressed, he heard the stairs creak. They always did that when someone walked on them. No matter how many charms he placed on them, they still creaked, and it was just something he had gotten used to over time. Sighing with relief, he had pulled his jumper over his head and put on a pair of socks before he headed down stairs for breakfast.
He didn't receive the greeting he had wanted. She barely acknowledged his presence in the room. Heck, Sienna noticed him more than she did, and she was barely six months old. That was not what he was expecting. He was beginning to feel something for her, and her baby, and his worst fears seemed to be coming true; she was rejecting him.
It was almost as if she had used him the previous night. He was there just to consummate something. That was it. There would be no morning kisses or smiles, no one there to hold. Nothing. He never liked waking up alone, and he felt like one of those old married couples whom his Aunt Petunia used to gossip about how so-and-so's wife or husband slept in another room because the love and passion had just left the relationship. Only in his case, it was just never there.
He had made the decision he was going to try his hardest to be a good father to Sienna, and it was almost as if Hermione didn't even want him near her. He understood that she was still grieving over Robert, and needed time, but he thought she would at least let him get to know Sienna the tiniest bit. Every time he held Sienna in his arms, Hermione would be along within seconds to pluck her out and whisk her off to another area of the house with some excuse. He was trying, and she wasn't letting him in.
Hermione said nothing to him as she waited for the Portkey she had owled in for the previous day to activate. He knew that she knew that he was watching her, and she just didn't want to be around him at the moment. She didn't know why, but she couldn't be near him.
x-x-x-x-x
Soon, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And unfortunately for Harry, nothing changed. He and Hermione developed some sort of civil relationship (and he was never comfortable with it), and for some strange reason, it worked. They barely spoke to each other, even if Harry showed some sort of want of conversation, she pushed him away, and on most occasions, he ended up locking himself in his office and busied himself with the progress reports that the Ministry had been sending him.
He wanted to be in charge of the group of Aurors that were supposed to be finding the Death Eaters that killed Robert Ashdale. But, because of his personal connections, he was forbidden, as it was against the rules. But they agreed to send him progress reports, but unfortunately, it was now almost three months after, nothing had been found and no one else had been killed. It seems the point of calling the investigation closed was coming near.
Merlin, he loved her, and that little girl. And as dysfunctional as they were, they were his family. He knew she didn't love him back, and he doubted she ever would. He was stuck in a marriage where his feelings weren't returned. Surely, it would be enough to drive any bloke around the bend.
It seemed Sienna was the only reason he got up in the morning. Hermione finally (and silently) gave him permission to be alone with her, feed her, change her, and do anything with her. He lived for that little girl, she was his little ray of sunshine because her mother didn't love him back, and seeing her shy little smile always made his day.
He was growing sick of it. Hermione just… frustrated him beyond belief with her curt answers and her snide remarks at everything. Ever since they made love, she had been like that with him. Surely, he hadn't been that bad to make her absolutely mad at him for months on end. He had tried everything. He cooked her dinner, he let her take a nap when she was tired and he looked after Sienna. He stayed home all the time in case she needed him or wanted to go out. He had tried everything he had thought of. She didn't care about anything he did, and it made him want to scream at.
She wasn't the Hermione he had always known, and he desperately wanted her back.
Harry stared at his reflection in the mirror briefly before he pulled his jacket on his shoulders to go out to what was left of his former life. He only went out once a week, and it seemed to be his safe haven. He could be himself, drink whatever he liked, say whatever he wanted, and do whatever, and then return home, and pass out until noon the next day. Hermione never said a word about it.
He pulled open his bedroom door and silently walked down the corridor and down the staircase. He was almost at the front door when she spoke.
"Where are you going?" she asked from behind him.
"Out," he responded as he laid his hand on the doorknob.
"Didn't you just go out?"
"No," he responded, "I haven't gone out in nearly a weak and a half. I'm getting sick of this place."
"Where are you going to?"
"I'm not sure. I'm going out with a few of my friends from work. Probably pub crawling."
"What time will you be home?"
"I don't know, Hermione. Alright?" He said loudly, "I have no fucking clue where I'll end up tonight, what time I'll be home or anything. I'll get back when I get back."
"You don't have to yell at me," she responded sharply.
"You're frustrating me," he shot back as he turned around. "This is the first time I think we've had a conversation that's lasted longer than a minute since we've been married."
"That's not true and you know it."
"That's a lie, and you know it!" he shouted, rounding on her. "I'm sick of it! You never speak to me, and when you do, you're criticizing something I've done. I'm not some shitbag you can push around, Hermione. I'm your bloody husband, whether you want me to be or not. I can't stand it any more. It's not my fault Robert died, Hermione. If I could save you for him, I would have, alright? I've told you that countless times.
"Have you ever considered how I feel about this? I stay home all the bloody time to help you look after Sienna, and you just don't care what happens to me. I care about her so much, and you don't acknowledge the fact. For fuck sakes, we're in a goddamn marriage, Hermione. I can't live like this. I can't. I need some sort of life. I can't just keep throwing myself into my work because work's going to be running out soon until I go back in a few months. Then what am I going to do? Sit around the house like a dog while you sit there and criticize everything? I'm sorry for what ever I've done, I have no idea what it is, but at least I'm trying to put effort into this. I tried being a good husband to you; I've done everything I can. I'm sorry Hermione, I can't do this anymore!" He shouted before he wrenched open the door and stepped out into the summer air.
"HARRY WAIT!" She called, running out of the house after him.
"I don't want to hear it!" he shouted back as he began to walk faster.
"HARRY!" She called desperately from the yard.
He ignored her as he walked down the street, hands shoved deep within his pockets.
"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" She shouted, as the lights in the neighbouring homes turned on. "HARRY, PLEASE!"
Harry broke into a run as he turned onto one of the smaller side streets and turned down a path that led down the small lake where some of the neighbourhood children swam during the day. He knew since it was dark, he wouldn't be disturbed. Suddenly, he didn't feel like going out anymore.
x-x-x-x-x
Hermione watched as his lean figure disappeared into the darkness and out of sight. She heard the neighbour's doors open to come out and see what the commotion was. She reluctantly went back inside the house to retrieve Sienna and go out and look for Harry.
She wiped the tears from her eyes on the sleeve of her light cotton shirt as she headed up the stairs to get a sleeping Sienna. She slowly pushed open the door to her daughters' bedroom and walked over to the crib. Just as she lifted Sienna into her arms, she heard the doorbell ring. She narrowed her eyebrows as she held the young girl in her arms and headed down the stairs. Hermione sifted Sienna in her arms and slowly pulled open the door a crack, and her heart sank into the pit of her stomach. It wasn't Harry; it was their neighbour.
"Mrs. Potter is it?" he asked kindly.
"Yes," she said slowly, "Hermione Potter."
"I'm sorry to disturb you, I heard shouting… Is everything alright?"
"Yes," said Hermione softly, "my husband … Harry … he's just upset."
"Are you sure…?" He inquired, arching an eyebrow.
"Yes," she replied finally. "He'll be back. He just went for a walk. If you'll excuse me, I have to put my daughter to bed," she said briskly, and closed the door and locked it before he could say anything else. Hermione clutched Sienna to her chest and slowly lowered herself down onto the couch and stared blankly in front of her.