Thank you all for the lovely reviews. I simply love reading them. You all are so kind. Anyway, all will be explained in time. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I love writing from Harry's point of view. He is my favorite character after all. ;)
Manda
Chapter 2
I can still hear her sobbing as I sit on her sofa and put on my shoes. Something inside of me breaks each time I have to leave her alone. She has been the one thing in my life that I could always honor and trust and damn it I treat her like a whore. There are a thousand what ifs circulating through my head as I try and think of a way out of my situation. I never meant to cheat on Gin. I really didn't. It is just Hermione is…well…I love her. I loved Gin too once, but it was in a different way. Hermione has my soul where Gin was only pure insanity. I've been so unfair to everyone that I have loved.
She has stopped crying now although I doubt she is asleep. She deserves so much more than what I offer her. Someday Potter she is going to refuse you. Someday she is going to say go home to your wife and never come to me like this again. She did it once before and it nearly killed me. I don't think I could give her up so easily now that she is so deep into my heart. But then she has always been there anyway.
I creep back to her bedroom door and peek in. I see her soft hair fanned out behind her as she gazes out of the window beside the bed. I like to think of it as our bed. The moonlight shines down over her and it reminds me of many nights past when we were hunting Horcruxes so long ago. Has it really been 6 years? I close my eyes and offer a silent prayer that she will forgive me once more. I back up and go find her desk where I know she keeps the bills. I grab the three of the most expensive and I apparate away reluctantly. I will write bank notes for them in the morning I think to myself. She will be livid with me and call it obscene, but I really only want to help her. It is so unfair that I have turned her into some sort of kept woman. It sickens me. I sicken me. Someday my guilt will destroy us both.
My home is very large which is how Gin prefers it. Mansions, champagne, fine clothes, and the many fancy parties that my wealth can offer her. Hermione prefers the soft practical two bedroom flat that we found after the war. I like it too. It feels like home, but maybe that is because Hermione is there. The second bedroom is utilized only when her parents come to visit. I guess Hermione has disappointed them by not marrying or even appearing to date other men. That is my fault too.
Ron tried talking to me about what I was doing only one time after me and Gin had been married for about a year. He told me that after everything we had been through I had his trust but he said he doesn't ever want to see the relationship or hear about it. I have honored this request. I know how difficult it must be for him to know his best friend is cheating on his little sister. If only I had listened to Ron in the beginning perhaps I wouldn't be in this mess. He never wanted me to marry Ginny anyway and I feared our friendship wouldn't survive it, but in the end our past prevented that. You don't live through a war guarding each others back without having some kind of bond. Hermione and I are very good actors or our friendship with Ron wouldn't have lasted. It is easy to do I guess. Hermione and I are such good friends it isn't often people even contemplate how close we actually are.
I walk slowly up the steps to my room as the clock strikes 9:30. I think of Hermione and how she looks fresh from a shower. The tiny glistening beads of water shining over her amazing body as she towels her hair is truly a sight to behold. I was almost to the brink of going back to her when I heard Ginny's voice call my name.
"Harry…"
"Yes Gin?" I weakly smile at her and wipe all traces of my earlier musings from my mind. A million things filter through my brain. Did I get rid of Hermione's perfume from my clothes? Did I forget to replace the golden band that signifies my prison? Does my body bear the signs of a man who has made love to another woman? Yes once again I am safe. I've gotten good at Lying I guess. What would people say if they found out that the worlds golden boy whom everyone trusts and respects is a fraud? How ironic that it is I who is false where Voldemort at least had stayed true to himself. I am a sham.
Ginny wraps a thin silk robe tightly around her small frame. She is beautiful with her flaming hair falling in soft waves around her shoulders, but I no longer desire her. She ruined anything I might have felt for her long ago. My mind is clouded with images of Hermione who likes to eat ice cream in bed and wears one of my muggle T-shirts as her pajamas. The women in my life are as different as night and day.
"I thought you would be home earlier. Did my hero have a difficult night?" She reaches up and plays with a wisp of her hair and I cringe. "You just missed Ron about an hour ago. He seemed upset about something. Do you think He and Luna are having trouble?"
"Yes, and no I don't think they are having trouble." I pass by without touching or looking at her. I can't go on like this anymore. Ginny follows me to the door of my room.
"You missed dinner. Marie really out did herself tonight. You must be hungry." How can I explain that the beautiful dinner that Hermione and I made together was more than enough to satisfy me?
"No, really Gin, I just want to go to sleep." I take a deep breath and reach out to the door knob. Almost there.
"Well…would you like some company?" The request is there. Once again she tries to step into my world. A place that she can never go. I shake my head solemnly and open my bedroom door.
"Wait Harry…" She hesitates and takes a step closer. My back is to her and I close my eyes not wanting to do this again. My mind thinks back to Hermione and the life we could have shared filled with happiness and love. "I know you feel trapped, but we could be good together Harry." I sigh and whirl around to face her. Hermione is not here. She is in London weeping from the pain that I caused her.
"You have what you want Ginny. My fame has given you exactly what you schemed for. But my heart is my own. Have a good night." I close the door in her face and slump against the wooden frame. I hear her perfectly manicured feet slip away to her own suite of rooms before I get up and fall into my bed. I am alone in my darkness. My dreams soon turn into nightmares and I awake in a cold sweat. What was I dreaming about? I can never remember. I ache to have her with me. I fall back against the pillows. There can be no forgiveness for what I have done to us.
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