Curse of the Second Assistant by Miranda Aurelia
Welcome! This is the sequel to 'The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales' (Book 1) so if you haven't read that fic, it
may be a bit hard to keep up with this one. As with the last fic, I'm guessing it's going to probably end up
more D/G than H/Hr (hence the purple title!), but I'll try my best to include some more H/Hr.
At this point, I really have to thank all my loyal readers for this - originally, I was going to end it with Book 1 but then, I was like "wait a minute! There's so many other things I can torture…uh, things I can do with these characters!" That and I'm too lazy to start on my more serious fics, hahaha.
Note: this story takes place the morning after the events of Chapter 9 of AHT.
Chapter 1:
Breakfast in the Great Hall at Hogswarts
Ron finally looked up and said rather matter-of-factly, "You know, with all the excitement, I never had the time to properly react to the news of you and Malfoy."
Then his voice grew almost hysterical, "What the bloody hell were you thinking?!"
Ginny just rolled her eyes.
Draco just pretended to look thoughtful, "You've met your nephew already, you know Ginny and I are engaged and now you're reacting?" He gave a dramatic sigh, "Weasel, my friend, there is a fine line between stupidity and ignorance." Then he paused for effect, "You're now ten miles beyond that line."
"I'm not your friend," Ron said crossly.
Draco just stared at him, "Don't tell me that was the only part of my speech that you actually caught."
When Ron just scowled at him, Draco just shook his head, "I rest my case."
"What are you doing at our table anyways?!"
"Now Weasley," Draco wagged a finger at him, "Be nice."
"No."
"Ron," Hermione just shared an slightly exasperated look with Ginny, "I think we've all established that Malfoy is going to be part of the One Big Happy Weasley Family™ whether you like it or not."
"No!" This time the redhead's eyes actually seemed to budge out in horror at the thought.
"Reduced to single syllables," Draco made a tsk-tsking sound, "If I had known that you'd be that excited about having me in your family, I would have let Ginny seduce me a long time ago!"
At this, Ginny placed her hands on her hips and glared at her boyfriend. "Excuse me?!"
"Well, I was just saying-"
"Draco Malfoy!" hissed Ginny, a bright red flush on her cheeks now, "You did not just compare me with those….hussies!"
"Hmm," Harry said to Hermione, "Think she's going to read him the riot act?"
"No, I want to read the riot act!" yelled Ron.
Draco, Ginny, Harry, Hermione as well as Seamus, Dean and Neville (who were only a few seats over) just stared at him.
"What?" Ron said defensively.
Draco shook his head. "Hopeless."
"Malfoy, you are such a wanker."
"Ooh," Draco said with an evil smile, "Ladies and gentlemen, he's progressed to full sentences now-OW!"
He rubbed his head and glared at Ginny.
"Will the two of you stop arguing already?!" she hissed.
"But annoying him is so much fun!" whined Draco.
"Get a new hobby!"
"Like what? Spend all my time looking over my shoulder for imminent doom like Potter does?" Draco jerked a finger in Harry's direction.
Harry just rolled his eyes, "Just because I actually practice constant vigilance doesn't mean that I'm paranoid."
"No, you just admitted that you have ADD," said Draco sarcastically, "Congratulations Potter."
He ducked just in time to avoid the slice of French toast that Harry had flung at him. "Ooh, very mature."
"Food fight!" shouted Ron with glee.
"Ahem," said a familiar voice from behind the redhead. Across from him, Hermione resisted the sudden urge to bang her head against the table.
"P-P-Professor McGonagall!" squeaked Ron, "Did I say food fight? What I meant was Don't fight! Yup!"
"You'll do well to remember that, Mr. Weasley," McGonagall said sternly before she continued on her way down the hall.
"Whew."
"Hopeless."
"That's the second time you've said that."
Draco blinked, "You're actually counting?"
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Being that it is absolutely essential that Draco be available to needle Ron at every corner, the Slytherins and Gryffindors had History of Magic for first period.
Professor Binns happily babbled away in his trademark monotone voice.
Ron fought to keep his eyes open as he leaned heavily on his propped up arm. Suddenly, his elbow fell off the side of his desk and he hit his head with a loud "bang" on the desk.
"OW!"
Binns looked up from his book with a scowl, "Is there a problem, Mr. Penny-ears?"
"Weasley."
"What was that, Mr. Weatherbee?"
"Nevermind." Ron diligently ignored the snickering coming from Draco's direction as he rubbed his forehead.
Next to him, he thought he heard Hermione muttering something about God under her breathe, which confused him to no end as he had no idea what God had to do with his forehead.
****************************************
About 20 or so years in the future…
"AHHHHHH!" screamed Shawn as he fell with an "oomph" onto the ground.
Seconds later, he was nearly dragged to his feet by an overly concerned best friend. "Shawn! What happened to you?!"
"My head."
"…could you be more specific?"
Shawn just glared at Benjamin Potter, "Shut up, you."
"He's fine," concluded a female voice to his left.
The blond just turned his glare onto his girlfriend, "I am sooo breaking up with you."
Nina just rolled her eyes, "Uh huh. I'll be sure to send you the divorce papers after my lawyer's done, darling."
"We're not married."
"I was being sarcastic….?"
"I think I liked it much better when I was under the delusion that you were this nice, shy sister of my best friend who had a huge crush on me," complained Shawn as he jerked his arm out of her grasp.
"Everyone else still thinks I'm nice and shy."
"Okay, who the hell is your publicist?! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!"
At this, Nina and Ben just gave each other a long-suffering look. "Why do we put up with him again?" inquired Ben politely.
"Because he's your best friend since the two of you were in diapers?" suggested Nina.
"No, I meant, why are you dating him again?"
Nina's eyes sparkled with amusement, "I am?"
"Okay, you have now officially broken my heart," cut in Shawn, "However, seeing as I'm still disorientated and confused, I will pretend that my girlfriend did not just question our relationship and I will now go back to my room to take a long, long nap."
"But-but, but you have class!"
"Missing one class won't kill me."
"You wanna bet?"
"In light of all that time-travelling I did before breakfast…." A thoughtful expression on Shawn's face, "No."
"Time travel?!"
"Where did you go?"
"Oh, to the past. Know what?"
The other two leaned in closer.
"I found out that Voldemort played World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade!" said Shawn in a conspiratory whisper.
"No!"
There was a pause.
"So, did you manage to amass lots of points and let compound interest take its course?"
"Dude!" Shawn stared at his friend for a second, "It's a freaking online game, not a bank account!"
********************************
Meanwhile, at Voldemort's underground cave network:
Currently, the Death Eaters were all gathered around in a circle - well, most of them were gathered around in a circle while others such as Lucius were still waiting for their flight agent to give them a better deal on tickets.
In the middle, Lord Voldemort would occasionally bark out orders for random pieces of material to be added to the huge pile in the middle as he consulted his faithful companion: The Idiot's Guide to Summoning Evil Scary Spirits written by Noob.
"Incendio!"
The Death Eaters watched as the pile lighted up until the flame turned a bright blue color.
"Ahem," Voldemort cleared his throat, "I now call upon the spirit of Lord Moo-wap, the God of Chaos' 2nd assistant!"
"The God of Chaos has a 2nd assistant?" Nott asked Lucius with a confused expression.
Lucius shrugged, "They must have had a booming economy back then."
When the other man merely looked even more confused, Lucius explained patiently, "Unemployment rates were probably down, which means most people were doing useless jobs such as being a 2nd assistant to a God of Chaos."
"Oh."
"Silence!" roared Voldemort and then he bent over coughing from the smoke from the fire.
At this moment, the smoke detectors activated and the Death Eaters soon found themselves drenched in water - well, except for Lucius, Earl and a couple of others that were quick enough to activate water-repellant charms.
"I always wanted wondered if those things worked," mused Lucius out loud as he looked up at the smoke detectors.
"Get your priorities straight, Lucius!" snapped Earl.
"I should," agreed Lucius and he went back to arguing with his flight agent about ticket prices.
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Comments of any kind are appreciated.
P.S. Does anybody have livejournal?