Wizard Gone Wild
A/N: This is part 2 (of 3) of a bawdy plot bunny that struck me a few months back. It's intended to be a harmless piece of humor, and readers will do well to treat it as they do cotton candy (or candy floss, as they call it over the pond). You'll only hurt yourself if you insist on thinking about this story and its canon non-compliance, so don't. That said, the story necessarily ignores DH….except for the part where the trio hides in a magic tent, and the part where Ron is a git and leaves the other two alone.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
Previously, on "Wizard Gone Wild":
"Alright, Harry, I'll need to side-along you to The Three Broomsticks."
"Thanks, Tonks, but I'm not that drunk…I know the coordinates."
"Not to the Witch's Lav, you don't," Tonks said with an evil grin.
She grabbed hold of his arm and spirited them away before Harry had time to ask for an explanation. At least until they arrived at their destination.
"Tonks, what are you on about?" he demanded.
"Just helping you realize the truth, Harry," she replied with a grin. She morphed into Harry's twin and began to strip. "Take off those robes, Harry, we need to get you into your costume."
"My costume?" Harry asked. "Once again, Tonks…what are you on about?"
Tonks paused just as her thumbs dug underneath the straps of the silver-sequined g-string that she was wearing.
"You said that Hermione only sees you like a brother, right?" she asked. "Well, Harry, you've got a golden opportunity to test that hypothesis."
Harry's eyes narrowed, as the chant of "Harr-y! Harr-y! Harr-y!" carried through the lavatory's walls.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," he thought, as Tonks handed him the thong.
Chapter Two
Harry Potter's eyes shifted from the sequined g-string that Tonks had placed in his hands to the male bits that Tonks had placed on her body.
"Tonks!"
"Yes, Harry."
"Why are you pretending to be a naked me in a witch's lav?"
"Because your mate is a git that broke his word about strippers at Neville's bachelor party," the metamorph replied.
That didn't make much sense to the young wizard, but the more pressing issue associated with the chants bleeding through the doorway.
"And what do my bits have to do with that?"
"Well, the girls made a request to see a certain wizard's wand."
Harry blanched. "Merlin's testicles!"
"No," Tonks quipped, as she glanced down at her crotch. "They're supposed to be yours."
With a full-body shudder, Harry said, "This is freaking me out, Tonks…can you change back to how you normally look?"
"Sure," Tonks said, with a shrug of her shoulders. The metamorph's green eyes sparkled as she morphed back her "standard" form, along with the rest of her body.
"Tonks!" yelled Harry, trying hard not to focus on the pink pubes and ample breasts that "he" had just grown.
"Yes, Harry?"
"When I asked you to change back to yourself, I figured that clothes would be part of the deal!"
"But why?" she asked, with her hands on her hips, and a smile on her lips. "If I get to not only see you naked, but be you naked, it wouldn't be polite for me not to do the same for you."
"Arghh!" Harry cried, as he cast his eyes towards the ground and slipped his robes over her head. Holding them out towards the Auror, he said, "Here, take these…Remus would kill me if he knew."
The metamorph's real eyes flared with a touch of anger. "Don't you think that Remus is too busy ogling those bare-arsed witches back at the Leaky Cauldron to notice?"
Harry pursed his lips into a silent O. "Thought you might not have seen him earlier."
"Well, you thought wrong," Tonks replied. "There, I'm covered up…you can look again."
"Thanks," Harry replied. "So what the hell is going on, then?"
"I told you," Tonks replied. "When Hermione and the others found out about the strippers, they wanted equal footing. But there weren't any real wizard strippers to be had, so they asked me to pretend."
"Pretend to be a wizard and strip down starkers?"
"Well, that's what was happening at the stag party, right?"
"Pretend to be Harry Potter and strip down starkers?"
Tonks shrugged her shoulders. "It was a fair vote…you won."
"And I don't hold veto power?"
"Do you want to hold that power?"
"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"
"Because it's your chance to see that I'm right about Hermione's feelings for you."
Harry growled in response. "Let me get this straight. You agreed to pretend to be me and wave my bits in front of my female friends and former classmates, and now you're asking me to step in and show them the real deal in order for Hermione's true feelings for me to be revealed?"
"That's the gist of it."
Harry shook his head in amazement. "So how was it that…..no, before we go any further I've got a different question. How were you able to get the bits right?"
"They are right, then?" Tonks asked. "Wow, I thought she must have been doing some wishful thinking."
"Thought who was doing wishful thinking?"
"Erm….apparently the only witch here who could speak with authority on the issue."
"But who? I mean…Ginny and I never got that far!"
"Yeah, she told us…good on you for that, by the way."
"Erm, thanks, I guess," Harry replied. "But who, then?"
Tonks smiled. "She said something about being cooped up in a small tent."
Harry's eyes went wide at the statement. "You stay right there!" he ordered, then walked over to the lavatory door and pulled it opened.
The roar that burst forth from the darkened room overwhelmed the loud dance rhythm.
"Harr-y! Harr-y! Harr-y!"
The Boy-Who-Was-Livid was overwhelmed not just by the noise, but by the heat and the smells. But mostly it was the sight of a hundred or more chanting, sweaty witches, pumping their fists in the air within a magically expanded room. The music suddenly changed from an anonymous house tune to the down-and-dirty beat of Rick James's "Superfreak."
"Hold on, hold on," Harry yelled, raising his arms above his head. "Hermione Granger, front and center!"
The chanting dropped into dissonant murmurs as Hermione pushed to the front of the crowd.
"What's wrong, Tonks?" she asked. Taking in the rather pedestrian "costume" that the presumed metamorph was wearing, she asked, "Did you need help with the outfit, or something?"
Harry reached out a roughly took hold of her arm. "Yeah, that's exactly right," he said sharply, as he dragged her back towards the lavatory.
"Erm..we'll be right back ladies," she promised, as she tried to figure out what was wrong.
As soon as the door slammed behind her, Hermione protested.
"What's going on, Tonks?"
"That's what I'd like to know," Harry replied. He then pointed across the room and said, "And I'm Harry, by the way…that's Tonks over there."
Eyebrows arched as Hermione looked over her shoulder.
"Oh, bugger!"
"You've got that right," Harry quipped.
"Harry, I can't believe you just did that!" Tonks cried. "You've gone and messed up everything!"
"I've messed up everything?" Harry asked. "I'm not the one trying get me to pretend to be you pretending to be me as I flash a crowd of hundreds of witches!"
"Hundreds?" asked Tonks. "But there were only a dozen out there a few minutes ago!"
"Yeah, about that…" Hermione said nervously. "Turns out that a few of the witches floo'ed their friends with the news, and those friends floo'ed a few others, and….well, next thing you know…."
"Front page of the Daily Prophet?"
"Absolutely not," Hermione replied firmly. "We made sure to confiscate all recording devices at the front gate."
"Front gate?" asked Harry. "You make it sound like you're charging admission to a show."
"Erm, yeah…that's another thing," said Hermione. "The bar bill was getting a bit out of control, so…"
Harry shook his head and sighed.
"Well it's not like it was really going to be you stripping," Hermione said defensively.
"That's not what Tonks was scheming," Harry replied.
"She wasn't?" asked Hermione. She turned towards the suddenly nervous Auror. "She told me that I needed to pretend that it really was you."
"Well, listen to that crowd," Tonks said nervously. "Reckon it's time I go out there and calm them down."
"You'll likely do the opposite, I imagine," Harry observed. "But you're not going anywhere until we sort this all out."
"But…..okay, how about this?" Tonks asked. "We make it a two-part show. I'll go out there and tease them…strip down just to my shorts. Meanwhile, you two can stay here and sort out all of these Emotions-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named."
"And then what?"
Tonks shrugged. "Play it by ear, I guess. I'll come back here to change costumes, and maybe change places." She morphed back into Harry's form, keeping the robes that he had lent her.
"Hermione, you really are better at transfiguration than I am," she said. "Think you can change this into a Gryffindor school uniform?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and looked towards Harry. "What do you think?"
"I don't know what to think," he replied.
"C'mon, Harry, if not for yourself and Hermione, let me do this for Susan," Tonks said.
"And for the kids," added Hermione.
"What kids?" Harry asked.
Hermione smiled. "Well, you see…I thought we could give all of the profits to the War Orphan's Relief Fund."
Harry snorted. "Pulling my opinion of this scheme to the positive side of the ledger by pulling at my heartstrings?"
"Maybe," Hermione replied. "It was Daphne Greengrass's idea, actually."
"Figured it would be a Slytherin," Harry snarked.
The young wizard looked first at Hermione, then at Tonks. "I should know better," he stated, as he reached into a pocket and retrieved the sequined g-string that Tonks had given him. Tossing it back towards the metamorph, he said, "You probably should have this on first."
Tonks smiled as she stepped into the skimpy garment, then stilled herself for Hermione's handiwork. The rather plain dark green robes that Harry had worn to the stag party were transformed into a red and gold trimmed uniform. The Auror nodded in appreciation, then made two steps towards the door.
"Wait!" Hermione called out, as she transfigured a metal hand towel rack into a pair of horned-rimmed glasses. Handing them to Tonks, she said, "If you're going to do this, might as well do it right."
After a few more waves of her wand, she pronounced Tonks good to go.
"What else did you just do?" the Auror asked.
"I strategically transfigured some of the seams from cloth to paper," Hermione replied. "Should make it easier for you to rip off the sleeves and trouser legs during the show"
Tonks's eyes brightened. "What a brilliant idea!" she said, as she bounced out the door.
"Yeah, brilliant," Harry echoed sarcastically.
oo00OO00oo
Now that he was alone with Hermione, Harry could have used the time to get to the heart of whether she had more than sisterly feelings towards him. Unfortunately, he had another question that practically leapt from his lips.
"When?"
Hermione turned to Harry and replied, "When what?"
"When did you get to be such an expert on the size and shape of my bits?"
The young witch chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before replying.
"You don't want to know, Harry."
"Why do you say that?" he asked sharply. "Why wouldn't I want to know the details?"
"Because you didn't want to know them at the time."
"At the time?" Harry asked. "I certainly don't remember a time where you saw me naked."
"Erm, yeah…about that," Hermione replied. "You didn't want to remember, so you…well, I think it's time for the letter."
"Letter?"
"Yes," Hermione replied, punctuating her decision with a nod of her head. "Call for Dobby and ask for the letter you gave him that was addressed to, erm…"
"Addressed to whom?"
"Well, you thought it would be funny to address it to The-Boy-Who-Wanked."
Harry's cheeks flushed at the implication, and his voice cracked as he called out for his favorite house-elf.
Dobby popped into the lavatory in a flash, asking, "What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter and his Miss Hermione?"
Harry dropped down to one knee to get to his friend's eye level. "Dobby, did I ask you to hold a letter for me that was addressed to The Boy-Who-Wanked?"
The house-elf's eyes went even wider than normal as he nodded affirmatively. "Yes, Mr. Harry Potter, Sir, you did."
"Can you get that letter for me, then?"
The house-elf nodded once more, then popped out of the room. Two seconds later he returned with a muggle-style envelope that he nervously placed in Harry's hands.
"Well, if the Great Harry Potter, Sir not be needing Dobby, Dobby be leaving now…."
"Just a minute, Dobby," Harry said. "I might have some more questions after I read this."
The house-elf shared a look of fright with Hermione, then turned back and said, "Dobby will stay."
"Thanks," Harry replied, as he examined the envelope front. Sure enough, "To the Boy-Who-Wanked " was written there, in ball-point-pen ink and in his own handwriting. He quickly ripped open the envelope and read the letter that it contained.
+++
October 24, 1997
Dear Future Me,
First off…authentication. You know and I know that we've never told anyone about the pair of Hermione's knickers that we liberated from her wash at the Burrow. Especially after we pranked Ron and transfigured a pair of his shorts to look like Hermione's and stuffed them under his mattress. Ah, fun times…especially when an anonymous tipster pointed her in the right direction.
But enough about happy memories…time to talk about more recent embarrassing ones. If you are reading this letter, then the inevitable has happened and you're wondering why Hermione has some first-hand knowledge of Harry Jr. Well, it's my (your) own fault, you wanker…and I mean that in a literal sense.
Thirty minutes ago, Hermione accidentally walked into the magical tent's bathroom while I was rubbing one off in the shower. Pretty embarrassing, huh? At least I wasn't moaning her name at the time.
So she freaked out, and I freaked out, and things got pretty crazy there for a moment once I wrapped myself in a towel and we talked about it. We both agreed that it would be best to forget that it ever happened, but it's not like we can obliviate each other of the same memory. So I volunteered to be the one obliviated. Why? You know damn well why, Potter …turnabout is fair play.
At least I hope you still know damn well why…that's the kind of wank memory that deserves to be held for a lifetime.
I'd sign off saying Love, Harry, but that would be rather narciss….narc…damn, I'd ask her how to spell that word, but then she'd ask to revise the entire letter. Enough said.
Harry
+++
As he finished off the letter, The-Boy-Who-Wanked couldn't help but laugh.
"What's so funny?" Hermione asked.
Harry shook his head. "Nothing…I was amusingly self-deprecating."
"Really?" asked Hermione. "Let me see."
"No way," he replied reflexively. "Read your own."
"What?" Hermione asked. "What do you mean, 'read your own'?"
"Oops!" Harry replied.
"Oh no…Harry, please don't tell me that I also needed to write a letter like that!"
Harry snorted. "Okay, I won't tell you that you also needed to write a letter like that."
"Really?" the bushy-haired witch wondered.
Shrugging his shoulders, Harry replied, "Did I accidentally also erase the memory of just how small that tent was?"
Hermione closed her eyes and winced in embarrassment.
"Dobby?"
"Yes, Miss Hermione?"
"Are you holding a letter for me that is addressed to 'The-Girl-Who-Wanked'?"
Dobby shook his head very seriously. "No, Miss Hermione, the only letter I'm holding for you is addressed to the 'Trimmed Cat Scratcher."
"Oh, no!"
That pronouncement generated an even louder snort from Harry. "So that's why you wouldn't let me see the envelope cover!"
oo00OO00oo
Any chance for Hermione to confirm Harry's allegations by reading her retrieved letter was dashed by the shortness of the original, unmixed version of "Super Freak"…not that three minutes and twenty seconds wasn't enough time for Tonks to whip the crowd of witches into a pheromone-addled frenzy. The metamorph burst into the room along with a deafening crowd noise and several groping hands.
"Back…get back…there will be more," a g-string wearing Tonks cried out, as several witches tried to follow her into the lavatory.
"Let me help you with that last bit of string, Harry!" cried out a familiar looking witch.
From the corner of the lavatory, Harry pulled his wand and magically aided the door closing effort.
"Whew!" cried out "Harry" as she fanned her flushed face with her hand. "You really should have been out there protecting your turf, Hermione."
"Tonks?" asked Harry.
"Yes, Harry?"
"Was that Hestia Jones offering to help with your attire?"
"Yes, I think it was, actually."
"And does she know that it's really you pretending to be me?"
"Didn't have the chance to ask."
"Hermione?" Harry asked.
"Oh, that's right…Hermione?" asked Tonks, as she stepped over to the washbasin and splashed water on her face and bared chest. "As I stepped offstage, Lavender said that they needed your help…something about installing stadium seating so that those in the back can see."
Harry and Hermione swore for different reasons.
"Merlin, I step out for a few minutes," she muttered. She then turned to Harry and said, "This shouldn't take long, then I'll be right back and we'll settle things."
"Don't think you have a few more minutes," said Harry.
"Actually, she does," said Tonks, who seemed to be enjoying herself far too much as she sprayed water on the g-string wearing form of the Boy-Who-Lived. "Since they had to settle out the seating, I said that I was going back to my flat to get some special accessories for my next act…or your next act, I guess."
"What kind of accessories?"
Tonks grinned. "My broomstick…everyone was yelling for me to come back wearing your Quidditch robes."
"Oh, Merlin," Harry lamented.
"I'll be right back," Hermione promised. As she left the lavatory, Tonks promised the same.
"What, you're going to leave me here all alone?" asked Harry.
"What…a roomful of witches is more terrifying than Voldemort?" asked Tonks.
"No, but….won't some of them need to use the toilet?"
"We've got that covered," Tonks replied. "The Patil twins are passing out "You-Can-Poo-in-Public" pots from the Twin's shop.
Harry rolled his eyes.
Tonks smiled. "So were you two able to reveal your mutual love and lust for the other while I was gone?"
Harry shook his head. "Just go, Tonks…I need a few minutes alone to sort this all out."
The metamorph smiled as she unhooked the g-string she was wearing.
"Here, then," she said, offering the bit of cloth to Harry. "You'll need to pretend to be me while I'm gone."
"Great," the young wizard replied. His attention was then shifted to a red mark on Tonks's version of his bum.
"Oy, Tonks…do I want to know why there are teeth-marks on your arse?"
The metamorph smiled coyly, and just before apparating away replied, "Probably not."
Harry sighed as he cast his strongest locking charm on the lavatory door, then looked down at the sweat-drenched g-string. Not ready to consider whether this body fluid was more his than Tonks, he took care to Scourgify the garment before he slipped out of his clothes and stepped into the few square inches of sequins and string.
Harry was in the middle of adjusting to the uncomfortable feeling of string between his cheeks when he heard a loud knock on the door.
"Open up, Tonks," yelled Susan Bones, "I need to pee!"
"Oh, Merlin," thought Harry. "What do I do now?"
"Tonks, I mean now!"
"I'm busy peeing myself right now, Susan," he called back, "Use one of the Patil's pots."
"You know I've got a phobia about using chamber pots, Tonks," the young witch replied. "Please, let me in!"
"Hang on," he called out, thinking furiously about what to do. Last thing he needed was to be caught by Tonks, or Hermione, or Neville (for that matter) in that kind of situation.
When Susan forced the issue with an Alohamora spell that caught Harry by surprise, he rushed into an open stall. Lacking time to cast a locking charm on the stall door, the only thing he could think to do was turn his back to Susan's entrance and pretend to pee as she rushed into the room and hiked her robes in the adjacent stall.
"Merlin, Tonks, that was close…I was afraid that I was going to wet myself," said Susan, once the immediate pressure had been released.
"Even more than you already had?"
"Ha-ha, very funny...you know, it's weird…you sound just like Harry as well."
"Erm…I can change the shape of my vocal cords," Harry offered. "If I couldn't I'd always sound like a witch even when I was holding a male form."
"Oh, that makes sense"
"So…how did you get past my locking charm?" Harry asked. "That was an Auror-level block."
Susan snorted. "The real Harry once said during a DA meeting that magical power is driven mostly by intent…and I really needed to go…oh and Tonks, nice arse."
Harry winced, realizing that by turning his back he'd exposed his bared bum to the room. Desperately trying to remember that he was supposed to be Tonks, he replied, "Thanks…I'll pass that along to Harry next time I see him."
"You'll do no such thing," Susan said. "I insist that my ogling be held in the strictest confidence."
"Okay, okay, I promise never to tell Harry Potter what you think about his arse….or his bits, for that matter."
"Good," said Susan. "So we will be seeing those bits presently, right?"
"That's the plan,," Harry said nervously.
"Can't wait," she replied.
A lull in the conversation brought the background noise of a rapidly emptying bladder to the forefront. Perhaps hearing the same, Susan then asked, "Thought you were peeing too?"
"Erm, I was…I mean I still am," replied Harry, as pushed the front of his g-string to one side and willed himself to do just that. "It's more of a challenge when I'm in a male form, I guess."
"Why didn't you just turn back into your female form?"
"Erm….need the practice?" asked Harry.
Thankfully, Susan was too tipsy to note the questioning tone of that reply.
"What's the difference?" she asked.
"Besides the fact that wizards can do it standing up?"
"Yeah."
"What….you haven't seen Neville this way?"
"Well, no," the witch admitted. "Not that he could tell me if it's different for a wizard than a witch."
"Oh…well, there actually isn't much difference," Harry replied, thankful that he'd already asked these questions (and gotten answers) during a previous evening of drinking with Tonks and Remus. "My insides are still the same. Just a bit of reworked plumbing."
"So that's how it works, then?" asked Susan. "Your female bits are turned into male bits?"
"That's right."
There was a moment of relative silence (the music still bleeding through from the main room), and then the sound of a magical wipe and flush. Harry's hopes that the embarrassing situation would soon be over were dashed when Susan emerged from her stall and poked her head into Harry's.
"So does it take longer for wizards to go, then?"
"What?"
"You said you were in the middle of going when I got here, but you're still standing there…"
Harry cocked his head to one side and caught Susan in the corner of his eye. Then he heard the alarming sound of an arriving apparition pop, and tried to cover that up by reaching down and flushing his own commode.
"WELL, SUSAN," he said rather loudly. "When I, TONKS, was trying to pee as HARRY POTTER, and you barged in…"
"Hey, did you just hear something?" Susan asked.
Harry had indeed heard the incantation for a disillusionment spell, but couldn't admit as much. Desperately seeking Susan's attention, he did the only thing he could think of and turned around with his g-string still off to one side.
It worked.
"No, I didn't," he replied faux-casually, as he stuffed himself back into his shorts. "Did you?"
"Um….erm…well…."
"Susan?"
"Yes, Harry, erm…I mean Tonks?"
"Is something wrong?"
"Erm, no, Tonks…you just caught me off-guard when you whipped it around…I mean when you whipped around, and…."
It was at that point (when Miss Bones's points got perky) that Harry suddenly realized that he might have a little more control of the situation than he had previously thought. He allowed himself to smile, thinking that if he really were Tonks that he'd think the situation hilarious.
"Now, it can't be the first time you seen one of these?"
Susan shook her head. Pressing her knees together, she added, "No, I have…just not one quite like that."
Harry arched an eyebrow as Susan licked her lower lip. So focused on her face, he didn't notice her right hand until it was fondling him.
"Susan!" he exclaimed, reaching down.
"Oh, no!" she replied, as she yanked her hand back. "I'm so sorry, Tonks, I wasn't thinking, and…"
The completion of that sentence lapsed as "Harry Jr." responded to Susan's touch and stretched some fabric.
"No, it's okay," Harry replied, as he tried to push unsexy images to the front of his brain. "Just thought to remind you about the 'bits staying bits' part of my talent."
"Huh?"
"Remember a few seconds ago, when I said it's my female parts that are changed into male bits?"
Susan flushed red with embarrassment. "So when I grabbed hold of Harry's…thing…I was really diddling your…"
"Exactly," he replied with a smirk, hoping that this would keep Susan from going any farther. "And as much as I like you, you're about to be married, and I'm not sure you're looking for a witch-on-witch scene."
"Oh, of course," she said, quite soberly. She rushed over to the washbasin, intent on escaping as quickly as possible.
Harry swore quietly to himself, afraid that he had just ruined the future Mrs. Longbottom's party. He walked up next to the former Hufflepuff, quickly washed and dried his hands, and then grabbed her before she could bolt for the door.
"Susan, stop for a moment."
"No, Tonks, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…didn't mean to…"
Harry smiled as he forced eye contact with the witch.
"Look, this is an absurd situation, when you think about it," he said. "The boys are ogling real witches flashing their real bits, and all we have to offer you is me faking it."
Susan snorted. "Are you saying that you're faking the size of the monster in your shorts?"
Harry chuckled. "Certainly not! I mean…apparently not, based on what Hermione claims…what I mean is…this is supposed to be something fun for you, and I think I might have spoiled it."
"Oh, no, it's not you, it's…well, I just feel bad. Sounds like Neville didn't have a choice, but I do, and here I am wondering if it could get any longer and harder if you freed that bad boy up…"
"Hey, no worries," said Harry as he pulled her into a hug. "It's just us girls, right?"
Susan nodded and smiled as she dragged her hands down Harry's bare back. It was so hard for her not to think of Tonks as the real Harry, especially when the reaction to her crotch grab looked and felt so real.
Then something clicked in her head that made her pull back from the embrace.
"Tonks?"
"Yes, Susan?"
"Your Harry bits…they really are your bits?"
"Erm…yes …why?"
"Because your Harry bits got hard…but that would mean that your female bits were just as excited, which would mean that it was you who was getting off when I reached out my hand…..not that there's anything wrong with that, but….."
Harry's eyes lit up when he realized what Susan was trying to point out. He slightly tilted his head towards Tonk's presumed hiding place and smiled. "Well, I guess that I could explain it away by my ability to stay in character when I'm in a male form…but you are a very attractive witch, and…well, if truth be told, I like wandless bedtime magic just as much as playing with wands."
Harry could almost feel Tonks's disillusioned eyes staring daggers at him. Susan then smiled brightly and said. "Well that makes me feel much better."
"Why do you say that?" Harry asked.
"Because I was worried that you were doing something uncomfortable just for me," she explained. "But if you really don't mind female attention…maybe even get off on it…then you might enjoy the situation if the witches and I get a little wild out there."
Harry laughed as pulled Susan into another hug as he stuck his tongue out towards Tonks.
"Oh, don't worry Susan…I'm enjoying the situation much more now than before."
Just then Hermione poked her head into the room.
"Hey, the natives are getting restless," she said. Seeing a barely dressed Harry hugging the witch-to-be-wed, she scowled and asked, "Is something wrong, Tonks and Susan?"
Susan turned around and smiled at her host. "Everything's fine," she replied. "Tonks was just explaining wizard plumbing, and letting me know that she doesn't mind stripping in front of witches."
"He..erm…I mean she did, did she?"
"Yeah, I'm having that pronoun problem too," Susan said with a grin. "Hard to think of Tonks as a witch when she's packing a pound of Potter in her pants."
"Packing a pound of Potter?"
"At least one pound, maybe two," the Hufflepuff replied as she winked at Harry. "Please don't tell me that you were fudging on the measurements, Hermione…that's the kind of memory a witch could put to good use."
"Oh, Susan, I'm certain that these bits are fully representational of the real Harry Potter," Harry said with a grin.
The former Hufflepuff smiled. "Of course, Tonks, although…Hermione never did say how she came to be in possession of that kind of information."
Hermione's face flushed as she looked over Susan's shoulder towards Harry. "Oh, that's a rather long story…"
"Not the only thing that's long, if you're to be believed." Susan quipped. "So did you see him both soft and hard, or did you extrapolate?"
"Erm……"
The smartest-witch-in-her-generation was saved by the incessant cries of "Harr-y! Harry-y! Harr-y!" as Lavender Brown entered the room.
"Oy, Tonks…aren't you ready yet?" she demanded. "Oh there you are, Susan," she added. "We were wondering where you went for some quality alone time."
"I was just using the loo!" Susan exclaimed.
"Yeah, yeah, you're secret is safe with me," Lavender said with a grin. "C'mon, Sue…your front row seat is ready and waiting, and we need to get a "notice-me-not" charm on your knickers before the final act."
"Why a notice-me-not?" asked Harry.
Lavender gave Harry a leering grin just before she pulled the bride-to-be out the door. "So that she can scratch an itch in private when your Harry goes Full Monty…why else?"
Harry shook his head and swore. "Sounds like every witch in Britain is out there, now."
"And then some," Tonks added, as she cancelled the disillusionment spell. "Think I saw Fleur sitting next to both her sister and her mum in the second row."
"You know I'm never going to live this down, regardless if it's me or Tonks," Harry said.
Hermione smiled. "But think of the orphans, Harry."
The Boy-Who-Lived sighed. "Yeah, yeah, there go those heartstrings again…just wish there was some way to keep this out of the papers."
Hermione frowned. "But I already told you that we've barred cameras…even a few muggle mobiles that had cameras on them."
Harry pointed towards his head. "But memories, Hermione…how long will it take for somebody out there to duplicate an extracted memory and offer it on the black-market?"
Biting her lip, Hermione replied, "Sorry, didn't think of that."
"It would be kind of difficult to Obliviate everyone after the show," Tonks admitted.
After a moment's pause, a figurative Lumos spell lit up over Hermione's head.
"I've got it!" she exclaimed, pulling her wand out. "We can use a Fidelius charm on Harry's penis!"
"A what?" Harry demanded.
"A Fidelius, Harry," she said brightly. "I spent all that time learning that charm last year, might as well put it to work."
"And just what kind of secret will my Fidelius-charmed bits protect?" Harry asked sarcastically. "The Order of the Penis is located inside Harry Potter's pants?"
Hermione grinned. "No silly, the secret will be 'I have seen Harry Potter's Penis."
There was relative silence in the room, before Tonks offered, "You know, that might actually work."
"Really?" asked Harry. "So who is going to be the secret keeper for that bit of knowledge?"
Hermione grinned. "It has to be someone for whom the secret is already true, like me, or Tonks, or Madame Pomfrey, I suppose."
"Sounds like you can add Susan to that list, now," Tonks offered.
Hermione looked at Harry and frowned. "Another one of those accidents," he explained. "Not that she'll remember once the charm takes hold and she isn't the keeper."
"So who, then?" asked Hermione.
Harry frowned. "Better be me, lest I have difficulties finding it when I need to use the loo."
Hermione smiled. "And some people say you lack common sense…okay, then, lose the g-string."
"What?"
"I need to cast the charm," Hermione explained. "And since your penis is involved, my wandtip needs to be touching it during the incantation."
"Really?" asked Harry. "I hadn't heard that kind of thing before."
"She's making it up, Harry," Tonks offered. "It's her sneaky way of getting a jump on the other witches who want to see your willie."
"It is not," Hermione declared.
"Doesn't matter, at this point," Harry stated.
"Why?"
"Because if you cast the charm now, I'd need to pass the secret out to every witch that's out there," he explained. "Otherwise, the charm will keep them from seeing what they've paid to see."
Hermione nodded. "I suppose I'd also have to know whom to cast the charm on as well."
"Huh?"
"The charm," Hermione explained. "If it's Tonks that goes out there, the secret would need to be modified to "I have seen Tonks's physical interpretation of Harry Potter's penis."
"There is value in specificity," Tonks said in agreement. She turned to Harry and asked, "So whom is it going to be?"
Harry frowned. "Too many chances for the wording of the charm to be mucked up if it's not me."
"Really?" asked Hermione brightly.
"Would it matter to you?" Harry asked.
Hermione smiled as she walked up to Harry and placed her palm against his chest.
"I expect you'll see if it matters to me once you're out there."
Harry smiled nervously. "And what can I expect from you once I am out there, Miss Granger?"
Hermione bit her lip. "A witch gone wild?"
"Really? Asked Harry.
Hermione made eye contact with Harry and replied. "Well if you are going to pretend to be Tonks pretending to be Harry Potter, then it behooves me to pretend to be the Hermione Granger who loves the real Harry and has secretly lusted over her best friend's body for years, right?"
Harry cocked an eyebrow. "And will it be pretending?"
Hermione waggled her eyebrows as she ran her fingers through her hair and thrust her breasts out towards her best friend.
"I'll let you decide," she replied, reaching up to caress Harry's facial cheek. She then turned and walked out the door with an exaggerated sway of her hips.
Harry was busy archiving the memory of Hermione's strut when Tonks walked up to him, and slugged him in the shoulder
"Ouch!" yelled Harry. "What did you do that for?"
"For telling Susan that I'm a witch's witch, you git."
Harry smiled as he rubbed his arm. "So how else was I going to explain a stiffie when Susan made a grab?"
Tonks rolled her eyes. "Right then, I brought my broom, but there's still the uniform to transfigure."
"Let me worry about that, Tonks." Harry said. "Dobby?"
"Yes, Harry Potter, sir?" the house elf asked, once he popped in.
"Will you bring me my Gryffindor Quidditch Robes? They should be in my bedroom closet."
As Dobby disappeared to meet this request, Harry looked towards Tonks and smiled.
"What?" Harry asked. "I might as well give them a show that they'll never remember."