A/N. I know it all seems too DHr but it will be HHr. Writing the Confession was an interesting process indeed. It took three revisions.
Chapter 12 - The Confession
The Longbottom Residence was a sprawling estate in one of the plusher neighbourhoods in London. With his grandmother passing away three years ago, his parents permanent residents of St. Mungo's, and him away for most of the year teaching Herbology at Hogwarts, Neville had volunteered the entire west wing for use by the Order of the Phoenix.
Hermione and Ginny Apparated a five-minute walk away from their destination and took advantage of the time to talk about Gringotts. Ginny gave Hermione details of the break-in at the wizard bank and both agreed that it was worthwhile looking into the possibility of a connection between Firenze's murder and Ragnok's disappearance.
It was a long shot but as good as any lead considering they had nothing at all to begin with to solve Firenze's internally gruesome death. As Centaurs and Goblins were not known to desire human interference in their affairs and preferred to be left alone by wizards, Ragnok and Firenze were two of the handful who were not of the norm. Both were upstanding wizard law abiding individuals who supported the efforts of the Society for the Protection of Magical Beings to varying extents. Their mere involvement in something sinister over a span of a week set off alarm bells. Of concern was the fact that somebody tried to pin Firenze's murder on Magorian and now Ragnok was seemingly being framed for the robbery. They just hoped that Ragnok was not dead.
And there was Filch at St. Mungo's. Hermione would check on him first thing in the morning. She was sure that she would be able to do a consult and hopefully find out what was wrong with the former Hogwarts caretaker. He might know what happened at Gringotts. If the Healers could only wake him up.
Earlier, as she heeded Ginny's subtle advice and changed into more suitable garb, Hermione contemplated the question that continued to unremittingly challenge her.
Why do you go out with him?
No longer furious at Ginny and less hormonally charged, she replayed her night with Draco to look for an answer. His revelation of having lost a significant other was surprising, to say the least, and Mia was not just any significant other. Hermione did not have to read his Detroit hospital file to know that Mia played a major role in the transformation she was a witness to.
She died over a year ago. A tragic accident really. Totally unexpected.
The resemblance was eerie. What were the odds?
We move on, right?
He obviously had. She really should.
Is it worth it?
She wondered if it was worth it for Mia.
I like the way you make me feel about myself.
It was an epiphany which was disconcerting at the same time liberating. Reluctantly she had to admit that, at least tonight, she felt the same way being with him.
The implications of accepting this fact were not as severe as the repercussions of allowing what was naturally going to follow. If it were any other man it wouldn't be so complicated. There was too much bad history to overcome. They came from different worlds, with different friends and different beliefs. Clearly, the likelihood of a lasting relationship with him was infinitesimal.
Clearly. And yet she could already hear herself say 'yes' the next time he asked her out.
Hermione had to come clean and tell Ginny about it. What she was about to do was unusual, unexpected, and likely unacceptable.
Midway up the long deserted driveway, she slowed her pace just as Neville's house came into view. Ginny immediately noticed she was starting to fall back and they stopped walking.
"About Draco," Hermione said to her, "I have an answer."
"That bad, huh?" Ginny sensed it wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Hermione confessed, "I was about to invite him up to my flat just before you came."
Ginny looked at her seriously and pointed out, "You do know I won't be around all the time to bail you out from these bouts of ferret-induced temporary sexual insanity."
"That's the thing," she took a slow breath in and out, to try to prepare them both but mostly herself, "I don't think it's temporary or entirely sexual."
Hermione anticipated Ginny to go off into a Molly-like protest. It didn't come. It worried her a bit that Ginny seemed to be reacting to it too calmly.
"So much for hoping it was; that would have been easier to deal with," Ginny did not look surprised by her confession and was contemplating her reply more carefully she usually did, "Focussing on the positive, at least you admit that it's insanity. That's a start."
"I don't know exactly where it's going but I need you to be around and be my friend even if this becomes more than what it is right now."
"You mean if you start seeing more of him both literally and figuratively," she saw Ginny struggling.
"Yes."
"Are you sure about this?"
"I haven't been sure about anything for a year," she replied candidly. "I just know I need to find out what this is, if there's anything more to it, and I can't do that without seeing more of him."
"I really liked it better when you were more conflicted," the tone of their conversation was sombre. "Is it worth it?"
"Funny, he asked the same thing."
"Because he knows what it's like," Ginny answered. "He has the Dark Mark. He will always have that stigma. But while he has to live with it you have a choice. You can loose friends and family just by hanging out with him."
"I know."
"And these are people who know you and care about know you. How do you think will your colleagues react once you start rubbing elbows with Death Eaters? Can you live with that?"
"He has turned his life around, Gin. That's hard to do."
"If it's true."
"What does the guy have to do to prove he has changed? We both looked," Hermione reminded her, "There has been nothing to suggest otherwise."
"It's there, I know it," Ginny insisted, "We just didn't find it."
"He's putting himself out there, risking I will mock him and scoff at his efforts to change his life as most have. I don't want to be responsible for him thinking in any way that all this change is not worth it."
"If he has changed, you alone can't prevent him from going back to the evil git he was if he so chooses."
"Maybe not, but I won't be part of the reason he chooses to. I can only be responsible for what I do."
"That is undoubtedly the worse case of emotional blackmail I have ever heard and you're doing it to yourself. I totally blame Malfoy for it. How can you fall for his 'I'm sorry but I don't expect your forgiveness' line?" Ginny asked in a mocked imitation of what Draco said, "And you haven't answered me."
"It's the decent thing to do."
"Are you willing to gamble your entire life on 'decent'?" then Ginny repeated, "Is it worth it?"
"It would be if I'm right about him, and I think I am."
"And if you're not?"
"I can only hope that some would be sorry for me and welcome me back, even if only to tell me how wrong I was."
"I don't know how you've managed to make this come out that way but you've gone over the deep end," Ginny reiterated. "After Malfoy, you, your life will never be the same. And that's just if you're right about him. I really have a bad feeling about this."
"If it makes you feel better, I intend to take it really slow."
"It's a very steep hill to the bottom," her friend cautioned, "It's not going to be slow."
Ginny stopped talking for a while and just looked at her with concern.
"Draco said something tonight that made a lot of sense," Hermione shared with her.
"Scary thought, him making sense."
"He said I wasn't ready but I wanted to be."
"I agree. What I can't understand is how 'not being ready' speaks to you as 'have a relationship with him'? Or is this the insanity part?"
"If I do have a relationship with him then it won't matter if I'm ready or not, I'll just have to be."
"Because you want to be?"
"Yes."
"That desperately?"
"Desperately would be putting it kindly."
"This is definitely the insanity part," Ginny commented. "I don't think it works that way."
"I know how it works. How it works won't work for me."
Ginny was telling her anyway.
"You need to know why you're not ready."
"You and I know why I'm not ready."
"You need to deal with why you're not ready."
"You and I know I can't."
"Then you won't ever be ready."
"See? It won't work. If you were me, knowing that you won't ever be ready because you can't deal with why you're not, what would you do?" Hermione threw her the question.
"If I were you I wouldn't let Malfoy get within two feet of me. But that's just me. You're supposed to deal with your past or wait for a miracle that it will fix itself on its own. Why the rush?"
"Because I want to move on. I want to be in a loving and nurturing relationship with someone who wants the same thing."
"You want a loving and nurturing relationship with Malfoy? There's something seriously wrong with that thought."
'I want to get rid of the bitter taste of what I had the last time. I don't want to end up like you, thinking that you won't ever need any man that way; no offence meant."
"None taken, but jeez, couldn't you wait a bit for a different bloke to come along before deciding you want to move on? How lucky can he get?" there was a helplessness in Ginny's tone, realizing that Hermione had made a decision. "You really have to see him before you do this."
"I can't."
"You can but you don't want to."
"Same difference."
"He's made an effort. You can't avoid him for the rest of your lives. Deal with it once and for all and then walk away knowing that you have," in many ways, Ginny was right, but she just couldn't.
"We've had this conversation before. I can't. Not yet," Hermione said. "So, can I count on you to be around if it does happen?"
"If I really am your friend, I don't have a choice, do I? Let's just hope I have the loyalty of a Hufflepuff," Ginny answered, resigned. "But just to be perfectly clear, I'm not holding back about him. You may not want me around."
"I want you around. I need you around. Why do you think I'm telling you?"
"I still think you should see Harry first before you sleep with the devil."
"I thought you said Nick was the devil," Hermione retorted, hoping for an opportunity to detract Ginny from going on and on about how she should see Harry.
Talking about Nick worked every time. They started walking again.
"They're twins," Ginny said bitterly, "Which reminds me, how do you think the ferret knew about Nicholas? You didn't mention anything to Malfoy, did you?"
Nicholas was the boy Ginny fell in love with and lost her virginity to in the back seat of an emerald 1997 Bentley Azure. She spent three blissful years with him before being told (more like finding out by accident) that he was in fact engaged (had been since he was ten). The spineless wonder did not have the guts to fight for her. He strung her along for six months, promising to break off the wedding and then convinced her to carry on with him after. For five months, Ginny was the selfish bastard's mistress. Her belief that he was doing it because he 'loved' her took some time undoing. No, Hermione would never tell anyone about what Ginny went through with him without checking with her first.
"Of course not," Hermione replied, "I can find out, if you want."
"It's not important," Ginny shrugged as they entered the Longbottom residence and found the meeting room with minutes to spare.
A few others were already there and were in small groups, chatting. Professor Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts Headmistress, was talking with a very pregnant Auror, Nymphadora Tonks, who was sporting teal coloured hair that night. Her husband, Remus Lupin, was having an animated conversation with a now wheelchair bound Mad Eye Moody, whose magical blue eye was doing somersaults and making an annoying whirring sound as it had obviously detected something evil close by. Or maybe it was just malfunctioning a bit because of his age. Luna Lovegood, Ministry Unspeakable, was with them, at least physically. There were a few other witches and wizards she barely knew.
Over the past year, the Ministry had been noticing an increase in heinous magical crimes. It was no longer a mere suspicion that the Death Eaters were gaining strength and intelligence. Not that she believed in fortunetelling, even seers were all in agreement that evil times were upon them and dark forces would again terrorize the earth.
While she was not a Ministry official, the war against Voldemort years ago was still vivid in her mind she could not help but feel emotionally involved. She was not happy with how the Ministry was handling the resurgence of the Death Eaters. In her opinion, they were not doing enough.
And there was really nothing else besides the Ministry. The Order of the Phoenix was as good as defunct until last month when they had their first meeting in close to a decade. At that gathering called by Kingsley, most of its former members were absent because of disinterest, distance or death. The handful of new members came from the Ministry.
In the two weeks before the meeting that they spent trying to recruit wizards and witches, it was obvious it was going to be a hard sell. The difficulty in attracting membership was due to several factors. Some were concerned about it being anti-Ministry. Some just did not care; apathetic witches and wizards who, for as long as they were unaffected, would choose to stay out of it. Some were afraid to be branded and targeted by the Death Eaters.
All of them pointed to one big void; a lack of leadership. The three exiting co-leaders, Professor McGonagall, Remus and Kingsley, were not enough of a draw to inspire imagination and hope that the Order would make a difference. There were a considerable number of witches and wizards who needed reassurance that the risk they were taking in affiliating with the group was worth it.
At that meeting, it was obvious that the Order needed an enigmatic and charismatic figure who could rally the common witch and wizard to care, to not be afraid to stand up for good, and even at the expense of death, to make the difficult but right choice; someone like the late Albus Dumbledore. Harry's name was thrown around a few times.
She put in her two cents worth in the process, pointing out that the Harry that was in Toronto was not the same one who defeated Voldemort years ago. He would not want to be a leader in the new Order, most certainly not so his name could be used in recruitment. They can ask but she was certain he would decline.
"Hi," Neville joined them as they made their way to the rectangular table in the centre of the room.
With Ginny beside her, she knew it wouldn't be too long before Neville showed up. He had this crush on Ginny since Hogwarts from when he danced with her at the Yule Ball the year of the Triwizard Tournament. Hermione found it so sad that all this time, he never had the nerve to ask her out.
She did not encourage it either for she knew Ginny would just turn his heart into mush. Even though it had been years since Neville lost his rotund features and actually was not bad looking, he was too normal, too nice and talked a little too much about Herbology for Ginny's taste.
"Who called the meeting?" Ginny asked him.
"Kingsley," Neville replied, his puppy dog eyes were all for Ginny. "He owled to say he'll be a couple of minutes late. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while."
Hermione couldn't help but smile at how uncomfortable Ginny was with the attention. It wasn't that Neville was the only guy who looked lost around her; he was the one guy Ginny truly did not want to feel that way about her, knowing that she would end up hurting his feelings.
Ginny had already asked Hermione to talk to Neville about it, and she did, but Neville probably couldn't help it. Hermione knew the feeling only too well and she could relate. As Ginny turned to her for help, she contemplated if she should start avenging Ginny's earlier acts.
"Neville, I heard Tilden Toots is speaking in Toronto," Hermione said, deciding against it. "You must be excited."
"Very. He hasn't talked in public for ages," Neville turned to her and his face lit up as he spoke.
Ginny mouthed the words 'thank you' towards her.
"Is it six years?"
"Seven," Neville probably knew everything about Tilden Toots. "Minerva has arranged for a substitute to start Friday so I can be in Toronto a day early."
"I did see there were a couple of good pre-meeting topics on plants you may want to attend."
"Are you going?" Neville asked her.
"No, I have this Healing Mission I have to be at."
"I can't imagine how you can pass this up."
With that, Neville droned on about Tilden Toots; his life and his works. Neville could have written a Tilden Toots autobiography and Toots would have found out truths about himself he didn't know about. She glanced over to Ginny and saw that her eyes were starting to glaze over with disinterest; the reason she couldn't possibly go out with him if he asked.
Her phone rang. She excused herself to answer it.
"Hello."
Neville gladly continued his Tilden Toots synopsis for Ginny, "He was the one who grew the obedient Devil's snare on display at the Children's Magical Plant Garden."
"Hi…yes, what about Mexico?"
Ginny was a journalist with ears that were trained to hear everything. Her friend glared at her and started shaking her head from side to side, knowing who she was talking with and guessing right what the question about Mexico was. Going to Mexico with him would not be an indication that she was taking it slowly.
"And his rejuvenating and rejuicing potions are the best everybody in the world uses them, no?" he must have noticed what Ginny was doing.
Ginny recovered, "No. The French prefer a different one."
"I'll be working…"
A week in Mexico was probably going to be overwhelming.
"They do?" Neville asked Ginny.
Hermione laughed at his suggestion that if it would make her feel better, he would bring work, too. A lot of work.
"Oh, good! Kingsley is here," Ginny said, loud enough for everybody in the room to hear.
"Listen, I have to go," Hermione said over the phone. "Let me think about it."
As she hung up and everybody was finding a place to sit, Ginny told her firmly, "Don't think about it. Just say 'no'."
Kingsley started talking, thankfully.
"I'm sorry I'm late," he apologized, "In the past few months there has been a lot of talk that Lestrange is stepping down. I was just with a source and he just confirmed. It's imminent. Maybe days, weeks at most."
"That's good. That's bad," Luna commented.
Hermione agreed. Any Dark witch retiring was good news but there would likely be a chaotic transition between leaders.
Professor McGonagall asked, "Do we know who's next in line?"
"She has been grooming someone to take her place. The only information we have is that it is someone the Death Eaters refer to as the Potion Master," Tonks answered.
"Potion Master," Mad Eye Moody repeated, his magical eye doing a 360, probably remembering, like her, a previous bad potion experience.
"We are also being told that Lestrange wants a grand exit. We think Gringotts was part of it but there is likely more," Kingsley added.
"Any news about Ragnok?" Ginny asked.
"We're still looking for him," Kingsley admitted. "And yes, Ginny, I got your owl about Firenze. We'll look into it but we don't have much to go on."
Hermione spoke up, a bit frustrated, "It seems like we have a problem getting and not having enough information? Doesn't the Ministry have spies? We definitely could use one right now."
"I agree," Remus concurred, "We need eyes and ears closer to Lestrange. I'm just wondering if it's a bit too late. Dora, we have that list of potential Death Eaters. Is there anyone promising?"
Tonks replied, "All seem hardcore. It would be too risky because they might end up spying on us for her."
Hermione knew that there was one name that wasn't on that list. She contemplated on suggesting it but held back, realizing that most, if not all, would find it offensive to enlist into the Order the person who played a major role in the series of events that led to its Founder's death.
"Is there anybody else, maybe a new recruit?" Kingsley asked.
"I'm afraid not," Neville replied, "Most are hesitant because of what we talked about the last time."
Here we go again.
"Remus, you went to see Harry, didn't you?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"I'm afraid he declined, as he did with you and Kingsley."
She did tell them so. They should just find someone else instead of wasting time on him. Hermione started tuning them out, her eyes drifting to the notes she was pretending to take.
Cancun. With him…
"Why is he staying in Toronto?" one of the new members asked.
Sun…
Somebody answered; some drivel about him wanting international experience.
Ocean…
"He's there on a temporary transfer, isn't he? Why don't you just pull him out, Kingsley? Force him to come back to London."
Sand…
"I told him that. He said he'll quit if I do. We don't want to piss him off."
This is definitely not taking it slowly…
"We should try talking to him again," Ginny joined in, "We should send someone else. Someone he will have difficulty saying 'no' to."
It will be good to get away…wait…
Was Ginny suggesting what she thought she was suggesting?
There was a most uncomfortable silence. As Hermione looked up from her artistic interpretation of what was supposed to be a Mexican beach, all eyes, including Moody's blue 'mad' one, were on her.