Chapter 22 - A Life Sentence
Harry noticed her loss of eye contact and waited for an answer.
He was sleep deprived, tired and he just spent a good part of the morning doing something he wasn't used to doing. Andy was all set to storm Floyd's place with wands on both hands firing at will. If not for the phials and the first real chance of putting Floyd behind bars he would have had no issues with that and would have gladly joined her. Awkwardly, he played the role of pacifist, persuading her Floyd wasn't worth losing her career and job over, and suggesting that it would be a great idea to give herself a thorough cleansing to fully rid herself of the Ghoul's leftover special from last night's menu.
It was Auror culture and a sport to highlight someone else's embarrassing misfortune. It was bad enough being petrified by a Squib. They agreed that the last upsetting bit about her being trapped in a smelly trunk was not necessary to mention in their report and strutting into the station straight from the docks was out of the question. He insisted she use his place and his clothes, take her time while he delivered a report to Muller and the rest of the MLE about what just happened and about the night before. He ignored Muller's glare and stressed that they were just having dinner when they were attacked and had to defend themselves last night.
His report about the purple potion and its apparent magic endowing properties elicited mixed reactions. There were quite a few sceptics who insisted and convinced Muller to await potion analysis.
He dropped by the lab and got a snotty git at service, a wizard by the name of Miles, known for lack of intelligence and sloppy forensics work. Seeing as he had already made a report he had to give this Miles the evidence. He gave Miles most of it. He decided to hang on to the phial filled with potion and hand it in later to Miles' boss with whom he had more confidence in.
When Hermione showed up, he had just stepped out of the shower. They were about to go back to the Ministry to check on the labs and see if the Ministry experts were able to extract residues from the empty phial to support that it was in fact a magic enabling potion. Thoughts of Floyd and the case were gone the moment he realized Andy was not pulling his leg.
Seeing her for the first time in almost a year, he paused and for a while imagined her giving him one of her famous bone-crunching hugs, like the ones she used to give him at Hogwarts. He was quite jubilant that Hermione was in Toronto. She was actually here, in the flesh, and it took every ounce of his will power to not do something she would consider inappropriate.
The euphoria died down when he recognized that she only came for the Order and not to sort things out with him. It was disheartening to know that she wasn't interested in doing that; that repairing their friendship was not important to her. And after that sank in, things went south fairly quickly.
He was miffed at himself for not having the self-control to keep his mouth shut about what he thought of the Order's request and blamed his sudden belligerence on lack of sleep. He shouldn't have taken it out on her and he was paying for it. Her retort to his angry outburst stung because it showed clearly just how low her opinion of him was.
But did she want him back?
The only reason he could think of why he would agree to come back to London to stay was if she did. It would be pointless, not to mention agonizing, to go back and not be a part of her life. All his unread letters to her asked that question. He wanted to know where he stood. He wanted to know if his deed was unforgivable; if this punishment was a life sentence. He had to know and he had to know from her.
"The Order wants you back," she answered, walking away from him and deep into his living room, seemingly as far from him as she possibly could.
It was annoying and frustrating not to be able to get a straight answer from her. He could only believe she was purposely doing it to torment him further, not that he didn't think he deserved it. She might as well just tell him 'no'.
He followed her and stood about five feet away from where she was, between her and the only way out, "I know that. But do you?"
"I am a member of the Order. The Order wants you back," she repeated, then said sardonically, "That's not too hard to follow, is it?"
He had enough and decided that he had to be downright direct.
"Stop playing with words. You know what I'm asking. Do you want me back in your life?"
"You have your unopened letters," she replied frostily, "The answer to your question should be clear enough."
"You haven't even read any of them."
"I'd be reading tall tales and that would be such a waste of time."
The piercing remarks were definitely getting to him. Cranky Harry resurfaced.
"Do you realize how maddening that is? You refuse to see me, talk to me and read my letters. How am I supposed to explain my side of the story and apologize?"
"Take a hint. You're not supposed to because I don't want your lame excuses or your pathetic apologies and particularly not your continuing lies."
"But I guess you don't mind lies so much if they come from someone else," he snarled back.
He was referring to Malfoy, of course, and Hermione knew exactly who but chose not to bring him into the fray. The remark had done its job. She was insulted and she usually bit back when she was.
"Are we talking about Roy because that was last year and I don't remember having this conversation?"
She chose to talk about Roy instead. The lesser evil? Interesting.
"No, this isn't about Roy and you wouldn't remember talking about Roy because we never did talk about Roy. You never gave me a chance!"
He wanted her to lambaste him; he wanted to hear her tell him how hurt she was. He deserved the lashing out and not the cold, avoidant, indifferent treatment of the past year.
"I was just keeping a promise I made that one stupid night! Do you remember or should I ask the Maples to remind you? What happened in Toronto was to stay in Toronto."
Grrr! Really?! Honestly?! When so much was at stake?! Putting years of friendship and more on the line for it? Did she just mean they wasted a year of their lives not talking to each other because of that stupid pact?!
"Where we are now depended so much on that night," Harry was ranting, "You expect to me to believe that was the reason you refuse to talk about it. It was a promise between two strangers!"
"It was a promise nonetheless," she blurted out, "And as I recall it wasn't my idea. You should have kept it."
"I did, but I couldn't anymore, not after Ron died. I had to explain."
He couldn't keep mum about it. But they were in so much grief and guilt, nothing made sense.
"Stop lying! Ron found out you were Roy and he found out what we did! You were the only one who could have told him."
There was definitely nothing he could say or do to wipe the contempt off her face as she gave him a piece of her mind. If she was incensed at him because she thought he was the one who told Ron then she was angry with him for no reason. And besides, shouldn't she be more upset about the fact that he was Roy?
"It wasn't me! You're not wrong often but you are this time."
"Spare me the conspiracy theory!"
Trust was such a fickle thing. For years you nurture it and take care of it, allow it to thrive and grow, but once you lost it, it was so hard to get back. His words were no longer meaningful to her. Hermione knew why he asked to be assigned in Toronto and why he continued to be in Toronto. He told her before he left so she would not misunderstand the reason for his leaving. Obviously, she did not believe him about that either. He didn't know how but he had to convince her of the truth that it was Floyd and that he had proof. First, he had to work on convincing her to at least listen and give him a chance.
"I admit. I wanted to tell him the moment I came back and saw that you were going to go through with the marriage. I was going to after the Quidditch finals. I wanted him to know if only to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life."
"I already made the biggest mistake of my life. Marrying Ron would have been a distant second!" she countered, making him wish she wasn't as sharp as she was because every biting remark from her hurt like hell.
"Accident or not, Ron's death wasn't your fault nor mine," he pointed out. "Stop punishing us for it!"
"Do you think I want this? I was unfaithful and I deserve the consequences of my misdeed. This is not meant to punish you."
"It sure feels like it."
"Well, it's torture for me to remember Roy so can you blame me for not wanting to have anything to do with you?"
Unable to resist any further, he moved closer and reached for her hand, "But I want to be with you."
She forcibly shook him off and recoiled, scoffing at his last declaration, "You don't have to make me feel better. We both know that if you did, I would have never met Roy."
"I had to protect you!"
"I was an assignment! Call me a moron if I'm wrong in assuming that having sex with me wasn't part of it," her eyes were ablaze with hurt and revulsion.
"It didn't happen the way you think it did. I wasn't sure how I felt about you then and you wanted a last fling," somehow his well-rehearsed explanation did not come out as fluidly and as convincingly as he wanted to.
Furious, she yelled, "With a stranger! I never signed up to have one with a lying, sneaky, Polyjuiced traitor who was supposed to be my friend and my fiancé's best friend!"
It hurt him to hear her say that for more reasons than the obvious. But it was the truth and he wanted her to say it to him.
"Were you expecting gratitude for sleeping with me?! Were you doing me a favour because I seemed so desperate?!"
"No, I was the desperate one," he replied quietly, relative to the exchange they just had, "I had wanted and imagined such intimacy with you for so long and you were getting married. I was just a fool not to recognize sooner that I wanted more than one night with you; that my desperation had more to do with the fact that I was about to lose the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."
She was crying, furious and shaking her head. He knew she was about to say more wounding insults, likely telling to stop with the lies. He cut her off before she could.
"I know you don't believe me but it's the truth. That night I spent with you as Roy I found out things about you and me I never would have had I not been the stranger that he was. If not for that fact, I would totally regret what I did," he continued. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. Know that I never intended to. If I could do it all over again I would have told you how I felt when Ron first told me that you were getting married and you might have helped me sort it out. If I could do it all over again, I would have offered to be your last fling when we first talked about it, then I wouldn't have had to lie to you."
"There's not much comfort there," she replied, calmer, more composed. "The sad thing about that is I would have said 'yes'. Ron would have still been hurt."
"Yes, he would have."
Harry wasn't really sure if they could have remained friends either, not when he had realized he loved her and she was intent on marrying Ron.
"Were you ever going to tell me about Roy?"
He looked at her and watched her get hurt even more as he gave her his honest reply with a remorseful understated shake of his head. He couldn't because he knew this would happen.
Despite the raw emotions they were flinging all over the place, their tones were now more serene and even. They had said a lot about Roy Hunt and not surprisingly he had old and new questions that needed answers.
Why would she have accepted his offer to be her last fling?
Was she only remorseful because Ron got hurt?
And, he had to confirm how and when exactly she found out.
But Harry couldn't push her anymore than he already had. At this point, he knew she just didn't trust him enough and any questioning would be met with more avoidance if not open hostility. He had to step back and work on regaining some semblance of credibility. He wondered how long that would take.
She said in a more relaxed voice, "I came to ask you not to send me anymore letters. I came to tell you that we can't go back to the way it was before and to ask you not to hope for that."
With those words his worst fear just became reality.
"Retribution for being 'Roy Hunt'?"
"No. A most unfortunate outcome."
"A life sentence?"
"I can't imagine it being otherwise."
After hearing her talk about him and Roy he couldn't either and the implication of it being so was hard to swallow. He had hoped for her forgiveness and it was forgiveness that was evidently never going to come. But just because he couldn't see it didn't mean he couldn't wish that it wasn't unforgivable. He had to try and reason with her.
"Ron's dead, there is nothing that can bring him back to life. No penance, no act of repentance."
"I agree, but I can't look at you and not be reminded of what I did to him, of what a terrible person I am. I can't live my entire life thinking that."
Hermione was about to cry again and she really didn't have to explain. He realized why she was asking what she was asking for. She needed closure and she needed him to accept this consequence of what they did. That consequence was he couldn't be a part of her life. He felt intense heat starting to build up in his head.
She asked him, "You understand, don't you?"
He did and he didn't, and the mixed emotions enraged him even more. It could have been so much different but it wasn't. It could have been different had he not been foolish enough to come up with the Roy Hunt idea and to think he could get away with it. It could have been different had Hermione not been so guilt-ridden about the entire episode and was just half the self-flagellating…person that she was. It could have been different had Ron lived to tell them exactly how he felt.
Hermione might have thought it was justified but to him it was unacceptable. She didn't want him back in her life. The finality of it was all too sudden. Justice was too swift, his sentence laid down even before he could defend himself and the punishment was harsher than death. And to make it worse, she wouldn't even give him the right to appeal.
Harry could only see red; fury for the predicament they were in, sore at himself for what he did to her and at her for deciding on this long before she came to see him. He had to vent on something else. Or someone else.
I can't look at you and not be reminded of what I did to him, of what a terrible person I am.
Did she only mean that about him or was this the same thinking that made her date Malfoy?
And despite knowing better, he let go of the next thought that came to mind.
"I understand completely. What you're doing makes perfect sense," he said with an overpowering sarcasm she would have had to be brain dead to miss it. "You won't give me a second chance because I make you feel bad and yet you'd rather be with a vile, arrogant, less-than-human oaf!"