AN: I'm really happy with the reviews I've gotten, thank you for reading! Hopefully, this chapter will explain Harry's feelings and thoughts a little more!
Chapter Two
This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...
It was about two months after I had broken up with her that I finally admitted to myself that I missed her desperately. I carefully shied away from admitting how desperately, but I knew that I was dying on the inside worse than I ever had been before. It wasn't like she never talked to me. She was cordial and polite to me, keeping up the good face of the Trio for the wizarding world and never quite looking me in the eye no matter how long I stared at her. In fact, if Ron hadn't been so surly with me all the time, the public might not have noticed a rift at all.
Yet, she never talked to me at the flat. We never had late conversation where she reassured me. We never shared secret smiles. She never wrapped her arms around me and I could never wrap my arms around her. She was never around me long enough for me to fully observe all those wonderful little habits of hers I'd never really thought about before, but that I could remember with perfect clarity like little stabs to my heart. The way she nibbled on her lip when she was thinking, or scrunched her nose when she was angry, or twirled her hair around her finger when she was secretly pleased, or unconsciously pouted when she was sad or stressed. And worst of all, she no longer smiled at me, not even her fake one, and especially not my special one.
I started visiting my parent's graves more and more often. As the weeks passed there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't go. And each and every single time I'd spend hours and hours telling them every single thing about Hermione I could ever remember. I told them about how at first I thought she was a bossy-know-it-all, but I still admired her because she was never mean to me like people were before Hogwarts. I told them how she slowly changed into a more fun person, but never ever gave up her intelligence and how proud I was of her because of that. I told them about her fierce loyalty and how sometimes it brought me to my knees to think that someone would do that for me. I told them about her vibrancy in the face of discord and how she fought to make her ideals meet public needs and come into use as soon as possible. I told them her ideals and the equality she fought for because she believed everyone deserved a chance for freedom. I told them how she had me in awe of her determination and courage to face off every opponent and come out with what was best for the majority. I told them about all her little quirks that I missed so much. I told them that she loved me and I was the biggest fool of all to let her go. I told them that she was so much better than me and always, always would be.
The day that I admitted the last bit was, of course, the day Ron finally decided to follow me. Apparently, he still liked me more than I thought because he got worried about how much time I was spending in an `unknown place that obviously wasn't with a bird because I always had tears in my eyes when I got back.' Did I, I hadn't even noticed. Way to boost the manly pride there.
He told me I was right. I was a fool and if I thought that sitting here telling this to some graves instead of the woman that needed to hear it was the stupidest thing I'd ever done. That I was making both Hermione and myself miserable by being a bloody prat and he was god-damn tired of Hermione trying to get him to tell her what was wrong with me all the time. Hence the trip to the grave-yard after me. So much for liking me more than I thought. He told me this was unnecessary and masochistic. I told him to stop using big words he didn't understand and butting into a situation he couldn't ever fully comprehend.
"Hermione, for some reason completely beyond me, is in love with you, you great dolt. You're hurting her by doing this. The only thing you or I or anyone needs to comprehend in this situation is whether or not you love her back. The rest can and will work itself out. You're not even supposed to understand the rest anyway; it's love! I don't get you Harry, you have everything you've ever dreamed of waiting for you and you're here moping about the past and thinking you aren't good enough. Well, lately you're right, you haven't been. So go put in an effort. Go deserve her. When Hermione told us to live for the public she missed a part. We also need to live for ourselves because we deserve to; because we fought too god damn hard to live our lives to anything other than to the fullest. So, tell me, or if you cant tell me or Hermione yet, admit to yourself that you are in love with her and do something proactive about it, right?"
"I don't love her," I denied. I lied. "I can't love her. I don't know how to love her and she…and she deserves to be loved right. She deserves someone who's on her level. I'm not it…I can't be." Ron stared at me for the longest moment of my life while I grappled with the side of me that wanted to take back everything I just said and beg Ron to help me figure out how to win her back and never let her go.
"I never took you for a coward or a liar, Harry." Ron paused for a second. "Nobody's on Hermione's level nor can they be. Nobody's on your level either. Everyone is different. It's knowing the person and accepting them that makes someone deserve someone else. Teaching each other how to be in love because…I'm willing to bet Hermione thought everything you just said to me at one point in time as well. Maybe still thinks it. You have to remember that whether or not she had parents and family that loved her she's never been in love either. Think about it Harry."
Well, when the fuck did Ron go and get all mature on me? I watched him turn and walk away and knew that he was right, but that I wasn't going to admit it to myself. Not yet. Hermione should have better than a boy who didn't know exactly who he was anymore. That had faked so long for so many other people he didn't know what was real any more. Who couldn't even know if what he felt for her was in fact love since he'd never really loved anyone before. Hermione should have better than me.
From then on I was careful to wipe my expression clean of tears before I came in the door everyday. Ron watched me very meticulously, but he was back to being my best friend. Apparently I was forgiven. I wouldn't have forgiven me. He didn't push with the Hermione issues and the press was terribly annoyed that they couldn't get any information on why the rift was solved. I stared at Hermione far, far too often. But I knew I wasn't in love with her. I also knew I was a great liar. Especially to myself.
To my complete surprise Ron started dating Luna Lovegood and for the first time it wasn't just a quick shag. Her easy-going and weird quirkiness seemed to complement Ron's usually goofy nature and strange times of complete perceptiveness perfectly. She still made up beasties to look for and to the closest thing I got to amusement these days, he would go looking for them with her and have a great time. He just liked being around her.
Throughout this entire time, of course, Hermione was being her usual over-achieving, amazing self. She was Remus' right hand woman at the Ministry and they went over each and every new law regarding every wizarding species with care together and tried not to ask for more tolerance than was rationally going to happen. They would work through that with time. She was the symbol of change and peace for the wizarding world and Remus the fair and loyal Minister who would bring us to greatness.
She organized rallies for different species to talk about the grievances prejudices against them had caused them and allowed them to specify the kind of change they wanted. She had the few lasting wizarding families who opposed everything that was going on come to a formal meeting and pleaded that if they could not except these changes that they at least let their children think what they may and begged them to ignore others they could not tolerate instead of goad and degrade them. She and Remus used as little money as possible to preserve funds and held monthly meetings with the designated heads of the providences in magical London to come up with a fair taxing system. She and Remus reinstated Quidditch and re-opened Hogwarts.
Four more months passed and I did some errands for Remus with the request that he not tell Hermione I was helping, which he reluctantly agreed to. I couldn't catch a wink of sleep without dreaming of her. I couldn't go two minutes in a day without thinking of her. I hated that after all this time she still couldn't smile anything but a fake smile. We said good morning and good night to each other, occasionally asked each other to pass something at the table, and made speeches with Ron in public together. I lived for those moments. Little tiny moments that probably meant nothing to her, but meant everything to me.
It was about this time that I finally admitted that I was in love with her. That I finally admitted my life was not worth living without her. That I decided to be completely and utterly selfish. That I decided I was going to do everything I possibly could to get her back. That I started looking at engagement rings in muggle shops where I was sure I wouldn't be followed. That I went to Ron and asked for his help to which he replied with a smile and a "finally mate."
How many lovers would stay?
Just to put of with this shit day after day!
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say.
As long as we stand here waiting,
Wearing the clothes of the souls that we choose!
How do we get there today?
When we're walking to far for the price of our shoes!
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say!...
-->