Summary: So with my best, my very best…I set you free.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up to Book 7; EWE
Disclaimer: Don't own the books. Don't own the characters. Heck, I don't even own the
song! So please…don't sue.
A/N: Here's the 2nd chapter. Enjoy and please review! :) Thanks again to Stephanie for the beta!
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And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
It was far too hot for a birthday party. The days in July had been especially sultry, what with the heat wave and all, and Harry was just trying to keep cool. He had escaped the throng inside the house and was now sitting underneath the shade of an old elm bordering the Weasley's' land. There was a short expanse of garden and unmowed lawn between him and the Burrow and as he lay his head back against the trunk and let a rare summer breeze wash over him, he sighed.
It had been a marvelous day so far, despite the heat. All the Weasley offspring had converged on the Burrow with their partners and sundry others to wish an unofficial Weasley (himself) a very happy birthday. It was supposed to be a quiet to-do but the sheer number of redheads quite defeated the purpose. Bill was there, with a very pregnant Fleur. Percy was off in a corner, being alternately coddled and scolded by his mother for being "frightfully malnourished". Really, he only looked like he'd lost a few pounds. George was around somewhere with Charlie and some old Hogwarts mates. Ron was on the other end, chatting with his father, new girlfriend Luna Lovegood in tow.
Hermione was also in attendance, proof that she and her ex still maintained their friendship. Harry had even seen her smile wistfully at the new couple. She had told him time and time again that she was happy that Ron had found love with the odd blonde. Still, seeing her with that wistful, almost sad smile on her face made his heart constrict painfully. She had spent most of the party ensconced on the couch, attending to little Teddy Lupin, the toddler bouncing about and looking appropriately fascinated with his Aunt Miney.
Ginny…he had almost forgotten about her. He felt almost guilty about overlooking his girlfriend. Yes, they were still together, despite all his misgivings. Why did he stay? It wasn't out of love - he realized this now. Was it out of obligation or out of loneliness? Maybe it was all of the above. He sighed then smirked to himself. He was clinging to a dead relationship just to have something to hold on to - how very mature of him. In the meantime, he was actively trying to avoid spending time with her and spending more and more time with other people-"other people" meaning mostly Hermione. He couldn't seem to find the balls to admit it to Ginny outright that it wasn't working for so many different reasons - but mostly for the reason that he was in love with someone else.
I wish you love
Harry had been blindsided, which was really putting it lightly. At first, he couldn't fathom how spending 10 minutes with Hermione doing absolutely nothing could make his day while a week-long vacation in a very expensive Caribbean resort with his girlfriend felt empty and humdrum. It had taken him a few months since that mini-epiphany in April to sort through the jumble of feelings that engulfed him whenever he as much as thought of her. The despair that crippled him when he saw her fall in the Department of Mysteries, the depression that overcame him when she seemingly abandoned him in sixth year, the completeness he felt with her during those dark days looking for the pieces of a madman's soul - it all boiled down to one thing: he was in love with his best friend. He quite possibly had been for a long time and the mere thought scared him. He flashed back to a conversation they had a few weeks before.
"How are things with you and Ginny?" Hermione asked.
He gave her his token response, taking care not to look at her. "We're perfect. Spectacular. Couldn't be happier."
"Harry…" Her tone alone told him that she knew he was lying.
He scowled at her. "I hate how you do that."
He ran a hand fitfully through his hair to stall for time before bursting out. "Gods, Hermione, I don't really know how we are. Or what we are. Most of the time, I feel like we're just playing these parts that were written for us. Like I'm going through the motions of a relationship because that's what everyone expects."
"Looks like you've had your fill of happily ever after too," she said quietly.
"Sometimes I think there are two Harry's," he continued. "The one who lived before the war and the one now-old Harry would've been happy with this. New Harry…well, he feels like something's missing."
"Hmmm…when did you start talking about yourself in the third person?"
He whirled around to face her, seeing a tiny grin playing around her lips. "I'm serious, Hermione!"
She raised a hand to placate him, although the grin remained. "Sorry, just trying to inject some levity into the situation. Okay…you want my opinion?"
"Please."
She sized him up in a glance and it told him that she took this very seriously. Taking a deep breath, she said, "I think you grew up. I think you've realized that what you thought you wanted isn't exactly what you want anymore. People change, Harry. A lot of things happened since you and Ginny. There's been a lot of water under the bridge. New Harry has to figure things out all over again…find out what's important and what he wants."
"I don't know anymore," he said resignedly." I've always wanted to be normal. Just a nice, ordinary life with a regular job and a regular relationship like everyone else. And now it looks like even that's going to work."
She smiled sadly at him before gazing back out at the sunset. "You're not like everyone else, Harry. The sooner you accept that, the easier it'll be to realize that you shouldn't be settling for ordinary. Not when extraordinary could be just around the corner."
He was gawking at her in a trance then, at her long brown curls and her smooth skin, in the glow of the setting sun looking as if lit from within.
"So what do you want Harry?" She turned back at him then, a questioning look in her eyes.
She was what he wanted, that was something he was certain of. New Harry, whoever he was, had figured it out all by himself. Unfortunately, he hadn't figured out what came on the menu after Epiphany. Could she even care for him? Could he hurt Ginny, someone else he cared about? Ultimately, could he risk losing everything that mattered - their friendship, his heart - for her?
His heart, the one that was given to fits and starts whenever she was within a 5-mile radius, was yelling out a resounding YES!!!!
As Harry sat there, lost to the world and quietly gathering his resolve, he failed to hear the crunch of footsteps approaching his little sanctuary.
"Care for some lemonade, Harry?"
~~*~~
She wasn't blind. Or stupid, like some people might have thought. She wasn't exactly a genius like Hermione but she knew when something was going on, especially when it involved one Harry Potter. If she was ever one thing, Ginny Weasley was brave and that bravery stood her in good stead when she ventured out to find her errant boyfriend that July afternoon.
She had been watching him that day; watched his face flush adorably when he saw the amount of people celebrating his birthday. Watched as he carried Teddy in his arms and allowed the little boy to help him rip the festive wrappers off his gifts. Watched the different reactions splashed across his face at each gift, be it practical, sweet or plain silly. Finally, she watched his smile became brittle as he read the little message on her card that promised his birthday gift "later".
No, she wasn't stupid. She could practically read the writing on the wall. The only stupidity she could cop to was the actual belief that they could have made this work. She actually hoped they could go back to what they were before. Childish, really, now that she thought of it. They seemed like such different people then. Whatever happened, those few short weeks would always be some of the sweetest she had ever known, when she wasn't Ginny Weasley of the red hair and large family but just a girl, with the boy she fancied since forever finally noticing her.
He would come back to her, she felt it then. After it was all over, they literally fell into each other's arms and everything was as it should. She was blissfully happy. The man of her dreams…the life she'd always dreamed about. Her mother was in ecstasy over it as well. She was so caught up in the fantasy of being the Boy-Who-Lived's girlfriend that she might as well have forgotten Harry was there, too. She didn't notice that he seemed to be quieter than before or that he smiled a lot less around her. No, everything was perfect.
Eventually, the scales fell from her eyes and she realized that something was missing. Soon, she found herself playing the part of Girl in a Happy Relationship instead of living it. They weren't miserable, like Ron and Hermione had been, but they definitely weren't happy either. He wasn't happy. She could see it in the way he looked at her, piercing her with those green eyes as if looking for something. What did he want to see?
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
She figured out that whatever he wanted to see, it wasn't her. It broke her heart the day she realized that. She did love him in her own way. Granted, she would never understand him or even know him completely. There were parts of him that he never showed or shared and, if she were honest with herself, she was thankful that he never did. Sometimes, lying in bed in the middle of the night, she wondered if she could have loved him or been with him had she known those things he kept hidden. Could she? Was she that strong? She couldn't lie to herself, even in the dark.
So here she was now, walking towards him with a purpose, ostensibly to bring him lemonade, but really going there to clear the air once and for all. By the time she reached the tree, she realized she didn't know what to say. Despite all the time they had spent together, she didn't really know him at all. Instead of launching into an argument, she opted for the lemonade ploy.
He started at the sound of her voice. "Ginny? Lemonade? Um…sure, I'd love some."
She handed him the tall glass and settled in beside him on the grass. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him shift uncomfortably and chose to ignore it.
They sat together like that for a while, in apparent harmony, until she finally broke the silence.
"So, are we going to talk about this?"
He choked on the lemonade he was sipping. "I'm sorry, what?"
She looked at him as if he were an idiot. "This, Harry, this thing that's happening to us… Are we ever going to talk about it?"
He was tellingly silent. She plunged on recklessly, finally putting words to the apprehension that had been growing inside her for months.
"I'm tired of it, Harry. Tell me what the hell is going on. You barely talk to me anymore and when you do, you aren't really saying anything. I hardly ever see you because you're 'busy' but you seem to have time for everyone besides me."
Her voice became softer, beseeching. "When you kiss me, it's like you wish you were kissing someone else. I'm just tired…so please - talk to me."
He kept his face turned away from her and he seemed to be struggling with himself over something. She kept quiet, watching him, noting the frustrated raking of his hands over his hair and, finally, the defeated slump of his shoulders. She couldn't know it then but her speaking up was what finally gave him the courage to do the right thing. Abruptly, he spoke.
"I can't pretend anymore - can't make believe that I'm- we're happy. None of this is real. I-it's just this… charade and honestly, I don't want to play anymore," he sighed restlessly. "I don't know what else to tell you, Gin. I've felt this way for a while now and I know I should have said something but, Merlin forgive me, I took the easy way out. You say you're tired…so am I."
Just then, the screen door slammed and both of them looked up towards the house. Hermione and Teddy had come out to enjoy the fresh air with Hermione's present in tow. She had given Harry a puppy named Paddy, with big brown eyes and fluffy black fur, and Teddy had instantly fallen in love with the mutt. They made pretty picture - with the black puppy running around them, Teddy was toddling around on his chubby little legs while Hermione alternately held on to her charge and tried not to laugh at his look of concentration. Paddy managed to pull the toddler down and he flopped on his butt, giggling. They were oblivious to the two pairs of eyes watching them and their laughter and Paddy's tinny barks carried over to the elm tree.
She saw his eyes fixed on the figures of the toddler and the witch playing around on the grass and, in a burst of Technicolor understanding, she knew. To be sure, she had had some half-formed suspicions before but now, finally knowing…it hurt. The tears were starting to form but for a moment, she almost laughed. Could it have been more cliché? She felt as if she were on some soap opera with the way things were happening.
Oh, she may have gone to him to have it out - to finally decide if their relationship had a future - but she didn't expect this. Didn't expect all her old fears to be realized or so many questions to crop up -- Was she some sort of placeholder? Because he couldn't have the girl he wanted, he'd settle for the girl who wanted him? Did he ever really care for her at all? Her mind was in turmoil and she felt like sobbing but she had to know something, had to be sure.
Her voice was surprisingly steady. "Do you love her, Harry?"
He didn't answer but his gaze told her all she needed to know.
"I see."
She needed to get out of there. Getting up slowly, she took care not to hurry in any way. No tears, no running. She intended to walk back to the house with dignity and not like some broken-hearted, melodramatic girl. She only got as far as standing when she felt the warmth of his hand on her arm.
"Wait."
His eyes, those oh-so-expressive eyes, were asking her to stay. She dropped back down on the ground and faced him when he grasped her cold hands in his.
"I didn't mean for this to happen because I care for you. I do, very much, and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. But please, I need you to understand."
She acquiesced with a nod and he went on. "I've changed too much. So many things have happened…and through all of it, she was there. For a while, she was all that mattered, the only one keeping me sane. She knows me, even the bad bits I never show anyone. I didn't know it then but I do now and pretending that everything's fine the way it is…it isn't fair to you, Ginny. And it's killing me."
She did understand, she really did, but it didn't make it any easier. She swallowed the lump that resided in her throat because she had to say this, had to get through it without flinching. "It's never fair. It's not. And I don't care what you say…what we had was real to me."
She placed her hand on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb, as if committing its planes to memory. "I do love you, Harry, but I can only fight the inevitable for so long."
"What are you saying?"
So with my best, my very best
I set you free
Ginny drew a breath and fixed him with a teary, melancholy gaze. It was finally time to say goodbye to fairytales.
"I'm saying I'm letting you go."
His voice was full of shame. "I'm so sorry, Gin. You deserve so much better."
She chuckled lightly. "Yes. Yes, I do actually."
Brushing off the few tears that had escaped, she said, "Does she know? Have you told her?"
He mutely shook his head.
With a smile and a tone calculated to be brisk, she said airily, "Well, you should. Whatever happened to your Gryffindor courage, I don't know."
He looked surprised at her words. His eyes raked over her face, as if trying to divine her thoughts, and his own words were soft. "You don't have to pretend, Ginny."
The smile dropped. Turning her head away from his penetrating gaze, she struggled to find words, this time to make him understand. Finally, she spoke, slowly, wistfully. "I'm not pretending. We both deserve happiness in our lives, Harry."
She looked at him then, the falsely bright grin of before replaced with a sad half-smile. "And I hope you found it…even if it isn't with me."
With that, he kissed her once on the cheek in thanks. "Goodbye, Ginny," he said in a low voice, as he stood up to leave.
She watched him walk further away from her with every step. She saw the smile and the look directed towards the woman he loved - a look she could only wish was directed at her. Numbly, it registered in her mind that she was still leaning against the elm with its bark cutting into the soft cotton of her top. She was still watching minutes later as they - man, woman, child and dog - went inside her family home. Once he was out of sight, Ginny Weasley finally allowed herself to cry.
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