JKR owns.
My Countenance
Chapter One
[AN] This is a little something different then my previous two fics. Intended to be a ficlet. Hope you enjoy, and please review!
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It was a brisk Friday night in London. The clouds had been heavy all throughout the day but had yet to shed a single drop of rain. It was if the dark ominous shapes were teasing; eager to darken your day and trap you indoors but not completely willing to wreck it. I wished it would rain already.
The similarities between this day, and my last real day of genuine emotion sadly hedged their way to the forefront of my mind.
He said he was only going out to finish his holiday shopping.
He had lied.
It took me exactly 3 hours and thirteen minutes after he left to figure that out. And I had been searching for him ever since.
My eyebrows furrowed as the memories continued to come full blast. I was having trouble trying not to think about it. Sometimes though, you get these little self torturing tendencies, where you can't really help yourself. At least, I was sure I wasn't the only one.
I thought my pain and suffering would end when the wizarding world got news that the Dark Lord had been defeated and his entire army of death eaters to go along with him. I thought I would finally get some word from him. I thought I deserved at least that.
He must have thought differently.
"Hey Hermione, you want to go grab some dinner?"
I quickly covered up a map of northern Ireland and looked up to my other best friend standing in the door way of my room. Floo powder was smudged on his face. I mustered an apologetic smile, "Sorry Ron, but I already made myself some soup earlier."
"Some soup? That's all you're going to eat for dinner?" I'll admit it, my eating habits were miserable when I was absorbed in my research. But, it was enough to keep me focused, and that's all I needed.
I nodded my head and gripped the edges of my book, silently willing him to leave.
"You're crazy, Hermione."
"We can't all have the metabolism you have Ron."
He frowned, "If you're worried about your weight, then don't be. You are per-"
"I'm not. I was just making a point." And I wasn't. Body image had always been lowest on my priority list. Well, everything was lowest on my list of priorities these days- except a boy with messy black hair and emerald eyes. I sighed.
Ron was unconvinced, "Okay well, do you want to hang out then?"
"I thought you were hungry?"
"I can grab a snack here, can't I?"
I tried to laugh, "Ron, my pantry isn't nearly big enough to support the 'snack' you want."
"I could finish off your left over soup." I actually laughed that time. Ron smiled from ear to ear.
"Come on Hermione, you've been working constantly. Going out for a little bit can't hurt, can it? Seamus and Dean just moved into their new flat and they're throwing a little party tonight. I mean, when's the last time you've seen anyone? Ages," he answered for me.
He was right, yet I still scowled, "Look Ron-"
"And Ginny would love to see you. You know she's been a little worried that you haven't written or come around in a while."
I inhaled a deep breath through my nostrils, calmly fighting back the wave of anger I felt towards the youngest Weasley.
Ever since that Christmas Eve, Ginny had been the only one I could fully share my pain with, because she was going through it too. It took me a few months to realize she was growing less and less dedicated to the search. After that, I found out that a young, handsome, and Cornish intern of Bill's had been keeping her attention preoccupied. Ever since I haven't been able to be in the same room as her. It was like she had betrayed me. Betrayed the cause. Betrayed him.
I could have never forgotten about him so easily.
"I have too much work to do. Maybe another night." Maybe, but most likely not.
A rumbling sigh burst from his lips, "Give me a reason why I shouldn't be worried about you just like everyone else is."
"Because I'm fine. Isn't that reason enough?" If I kept adverting genuine answers then he would eventually get frustrated to the point where he would give up. That's how nights like these usually happened.
But I guess he wanted to try something new tonight, "Hermione all you ever do is seclude yourself to your flat, claiming that you're doing 'work'."
Seclude. Good word for him. "I am doing work, Ron."
"Being a secretary for the muggle department doesn't require all this work. Even Dad says so. He told me he's never sent you home with work to do."
"I take initiative. Since when has that ever surprised you?"
"Hermione, stop messing with my head and just answer my question. Are you still looking for Ha-"
"Fine. If you want to be so persistent and annoying then I'll come with you to their party. But I'm not staying all night," I warned him in a huff, throwing my book down on my coffee table.
Ron grinned, "Great. Hurry up and get ready. I want to stop and get something on the way."
I rolled my eyes, "Can't you just eat there? It's a party, I'm sure they'll have food."
"I'll eat there, too."
He laughed as I shook my head and made my way through my messy flat to my little box of a room. As soon as I closed my door, I leaned against it and put my face in my hands.
How long would this party take? How many people would stare at me all night long, marveling over seeing Hermione Granger for the first time in months? Would I be forced to talk and joke and laugh with my old school mates? Would I see Ginny?
I stopped moping when I glanced at the picture of the three of us in fourth year. The smiling faces clamed me down enough to where I started for my little closet. I would just get this night over with and have it be nothing once morning came.
Tomorrow I would continue with my search.
…
Ron shoved the last bit of his cheeseburger in his mouth and grinned.
"Tonight's going to be so fun Hermione. You'll be thanking me in the morning."
I didn't know what I would end up describing this night as, but I didn't think fun would be it.
"Sure."
He grabbed my hand and tugged me down a dark alley. He made sure we were hidden behind a gigantic garbage can before he wrapped his arms around my waist and drew me in.
"Hold tight," he whispered in my ear. I could feel the heat from his breath on my face and the rumbling echo of his heartbeat inside his chest. I'm not sure why, but the closeness made me uncomfortable. I wanted to push him away.
Before I could think anything else, I felt the familiar sensation of being squeezed through a tube and recognized the jolt behind my naval as our feet touched ground again.
"Here we are!" We were in an alley again, and Ron was pointing up at the side of a building. I could hear the music and loud, happy voices radiating from inside.
Ron grabbed my hand again and tugged me towards the metal staircase that led towards their flat. I did my best to keep up, but felt like I had to jog to keep up with Ron's excited pace.
"Ron, you're going to rip my arm out of the socket," I mumbled. I guess my unease at being around a crowded flat full of people was starting in. As of late, quiet awkwardness was my answer to such a feeling.
"Oh, sorry." But he didn't let up. We reached the door and Ron knocked quickly.
"OPEN THE BLOODY DOOR!" Ron shouted at the top of his lungs.
I shot him a glare as he chuckled. It was a mere two seconds before a friendly face threw the shabby door open.
"You silly wank Ron… Hermione?"
I smiled, remembering to be polite, "Hi Seamus."
"Bloody hell, Hermione!"
He crushed me against his chest and held me so tight I felt my heart lurch.
"I can't believe you're here!"
"I hope it's okay that I came…"
"Of course it is! Everyone's going to be so excited to see you. Oi!" Seamus had turned back to the party inside. I had a feeling about what he was about to do.
"Oh Seamus, no don't-"
"Hermione Granger is alive and here!" he screamed.
As the last word left his mouth I could feel a mass of eyes staring straight at me. I wanted to hide.
But Ron wasn't going to let me, "Yes, she is alive and well, and ready to party!"
A majority of the room drunkenly hooted and hoorayed as Ron threw an arm around me and pulled me into the flat. My legs were dead, they didn't want to move any farther. I didn't want to go any father. I wanted the exit close in sight.
Dean was the first to run up to me, "Hermione! Hermione, holy shit, Hermione!"
He threw his arms around me, similar to Seamus's hug. He was obviously wasted because he simply kept repeating the phrase, 'Holy shit, it's Hermione. Hermione!'.
"Let her breath, wanker!" Ron laughed pushing Dean away.
I seen Neville's face next, grinning exuberantly at me. I smiled. I was genuinely happy to see Neville, "Hey Nev."
"How ya been, Hermione? It's been way too long."
I leaned into his hug, "I know. I'm sorry I've been so distant."
"Ah, it's okay. You're here now, that's all that matters."
"Thanks Nev."
Parvati, Padma, Ernie, Justin, Hannah, Lavender, Katie, Angelina, Oliver, Susan, Terry, Roger, and a few other people I either didn't recognize or hadn't seen since graduation came up and greeted me. I even got a misty eyed hello from Luna Lovegood. She looked as Luna-ish as ever.
I remained polite through all of the visits, but still felt like the freak of the show. I could tell they all had a bit of reservation in their eyes. I knew the rumors and gossip circulating me; they all thought I had gone a little insane after he took off.
Ron stayed faithfully next to me the entire time. That, I was grateful for. I didn't want to be left alone to fend for myself. Rather I just wanted a breath of fresh air; a minute alone.
"Hey, I'm going outside for a second," I told Ron over the background noise.
"I'll come with-"
"No, stay here."
He looked at me warily, "Promise you won't run off?"
I rolled my eyes, "Yes."
"Because I'll just drag you back here if you do…"
"I know." I turned and made my way through the groups of friends. I kept my eyes on the ground, so that I didn't have to make eye contact with anyone and explain where I was going.
I opened the door, stepped onto the front step, and closed it behind me.
I heard a slight gasp a few feet away.
My jaw tightened. Coming outside had been a big mistake.
"Hermione," Ginny gasped.
My eyes briefly flitted closed and I took a deep breath, "Ginny."
"Oh my god, what are you doing here?" I noticed a tall young man standing next to her, with their hands held together. Bill's intern. He had light disarrayed blonde hair piled up on the top of his head. I guess Ginny liked the messy look. He was handsome, but not nearly as much as the one she had before him.
"Ron brought me," I said, not offering anything else to her.
"Oh, that- that's great Hermione. It's good to see you. You look…"
I was already sick of the pathetic attempts to pretend like everything was fine between us, "Not as good as you?"
"No! No, that's not what I was going to say," she shared a look with the Cornish bloke.
"Well you look really good." I didn't care at all about the bitterness in my voice.
"Um, thanks. This is Chad."
The blonde smiled and nodded at me, "Hello there. I've heard a lot about you, Hermione. It's nice to finally meet you."
He didn't deserve me being rude to him, so I kept silent.
They stared at me expectantly for a few seconds before Ginny turned to Chad, "Hey, I'll meet you inside, okay?"
"Sure." He leaned in to innocently kiss her cheek, but still Ginny moved away and glanced back at me awkwardly.
Chad seemed confused, and shot her one last look before walking past me into the party.
"Um, so how have you been? Dad says you've been an angel at the office. He says you've organized the entire department." She smiled at me, encouraging me to talk. I didn't want to though. For once, I was going to give in to pettiness.
"I'm a secretary." Ginny flinched.
"Er, yeah. Have you given any thought to muggle university? I know that's what you wanted to do after school…"
That was the summer before 7th year. That was before Christmas Eve happened. "No."
"Oh. That's too bad, I know you'd be great at it." She paused again, her hand playing with the charms of a bracelet on the other arm. I could tell she was uncomfortable. And I didn't care. Hopefully she was withering. Hopefully she would leave soon.
"So um, what else have you been up to?"
"Stuff."
She sighed, and I wasn't sure what that meant. She glanced away and when she looked back at me her eyes were a little less soft. Her tone was a little less fragile. "You're not still on about Harry are you?"
My fists clenched. I was shocked for a moment. I never instantly got so trembling mad like this. How dare she though? Who was she to bring up that name in front of me? Who was she to admonish me? What, did she expect me not to search for my missing best friend? Forget about him like she had?
"Hermione, it's useless-"
I snorted, "What do you know? It's not like you ever hung around to help. I have to say, for someone who claimed to be so in love with him, you did move on awfully fast!"
"Yeah, after I realized that searching for him was completely useless! Don't you get it Hermione? Harry doesn't want to come back. The reason I was able to start dating Chad was because I finally accepted that Harry didn't love me! If he cared about me so much, then he would have come back. Hell, he wouldn't have just ditched everyone in the first place. Harry's made his decisions, Hermione. It's time for you to do the same."
We stared hard at each other, me fighting hard to keep from trembling. I was shocked that she could even think such things.
She shook her head lightly and began to whisper, as if she was in pain from saying it, "He obviously didn't love me as I did him… and he obviously didn't care as much about your friendship as you do."
My control snapped and some unknown and feral instinct rose from within me. My right hand curled into a fist and I wielded it back.
"Hermione- Hermione!"
Ron's voice froze my fist as it was about to strike. The red cleared from my vision and for the first time I noticed Ginny's appalled and frightened expression.
I counted four seconds before my fist unclenched.
"Hermione…" Ginny let out in a strangled voice. I could feel my mood suddenly shift and the guilt spreading throughout my body. Had I really almost hit her?
"Hermione-"
"I'm going home." I began stepping down the stairs.
"I'll-I'll come with you," Ron muttered, still in the doorway, staring at me with wide eyes.
"I didn't invite you." The hurt was evident in his face, but I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to be alone.
I walked past Ginny and continued down the stairs. I ignored the smiling faces and voices calling out to me from inside the house, all wondering where I was going. Away was all I wanted.
I was right… this night didn't end up being fun.
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It starts really sad, but it's going to get better very soon :] Please Review!