JKR owns.
My Countenance
Chapter Four
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The porch light glinted off the wire framed glasses held in his hand, while his other hand was busy rubbing his eyes wearily. He looked like he was trying to summon some courage for whatever he was about to do.
He placed the glasses back on his nose and took a deep breath, his exhale staining the cold night air.
I stood there, not daring to look away from this mirage. Was the boy I had dedicated nearly a year of my life trying to find, really standing right in front of me? Could it really have been this easy? Really?
One second I was staring unbelievingly at the side of his face, and the next second he was gazing right back at me. I was so disappointed. With the distance between us, I couldn't see his eyes. But the shiny, thin scar on his forehead made it apparent to who he was. Finally, he had come home to me…
I took an eager step forward.
And he took one step back.
No…
I could feel the air rushing from my body as I watched helplessly as the raven haired boy took a few more steps back, before turning.
It felt as if my world had collapsed on top of me. All my achievement, glory, happiness- it was all sprinting down the sidewalk, trying to get as far away from me as possible.
For the quickest second, I contemplated letting him run. He had seen me, seeing him. We'd made eye contact. And still, he ran. Maybe they were all right… maybe I was a little crazy for chasing after someone who didn't want to be chased. Maybe I should just let go…
But then, that cold insecure feeling passed, and my eyes narrowed. I was determined. Nine months of my life will not have been for nothing.
"HARRY!"
The little five letter world did something to me. Gave me an insane adrenaline boost, or something, because I had never recalled in my life running so fast. My feet barely touched the pavement as I traced Harry's exact path. I continued screaming his name until my throat stung.
"Harry wait!" He had ran across the street into the park. I prayed to every and any god listening that I wouldn't loose him.
It seemed like time flew by as I raced after Harry, following him through the park and around a few street corners. Just as I was deciding to pull out my wand and send a tripping jinx at him, I rounded the same corner as he had a few seconds ago.
I instantly came to a standstill. The street was completely abandoned of human passerby's. Only one lonesome car roamed down the opposite end of the road.
"No…" I mumbled. The crashing sensation that the world was crumbling down on me flared up in my stomach again. Vomiting seemed like the easy way out, though.
I started to jog forward, scanning every inch of the unfamiliar street as I went. I came to a halt next to a four way stop. A couple hundred yards away, down an even darker street than this, I could have sworn I seen someone walking.
Without hesitating or second guessing myself, I stepped out into the middle of the street, about to start sprinting again.
A loud, blaring horn echoed into the dead night. I looked to my left just in time to see the face of a large, red, double-decker city bus speeding straight towards me. I was close enough to read the fashion ad, printed along the bumper.
The thought that I was about to die, didn't really occur to me. All I could do was close my eyes and try to escape from the blaring.
There was a shout. I felt something pulling me backwards. The falling sensation ended when I slammed against the cold, hard ground. My head wasn't cushioned, and it too fell against the ground with a deafening crack.
It sounded just like a hammer being hit against the bottom of a pot. It felt like someone had catapulted a brick right at the crown of my head.
Even behind closed eyes, I felt like I was spinning.
"Ohhhh…" I moaned.
"Shit, are you okay?"
My eyes snapped open. They were unfocused but I could still recognize the face hovering above me. I couldn't say anything.
There they were. I was literally one inch away from the eyes that I had been longing to see for nine months now. They were as emerald as ever.
I wasn't going to interrupt my eye contact for anything.
He stared with me for a few moments, as if he was taking in my eyes again for the first time in a long time, too. A second later his eyes averted to my right cheek and he began to shift.
"Uh, Hermione do you want to let me off you now?"
I didn't realize that my hands had gripped onto his sweatshirt so that he would remain on top of me. Nor did I even recognize his movements as an attempt at getting up. Still, I didn't move.
"H-Harry?" the sound emitted hurt my tight, constricted throat. I hadn't thought to give my lungs any oxygen yet.
"Yeah… it's me."
I breathed.
This moment seemed to be falling to pieces around me. Now that I had time to think about it, this all wasn't like I had pictured. Originally, I thought I would be the one to find him. And now… looking up into his eyes, feeling his physical weight on top of me, it made me feel two things:
Angry, and light-headed.
I wasn't sure about the light-headedness. Maybe it was from being suddenly knocked over, or from the whole rush of all this. Maybe it was because I had just ran like a bloody gazelle for a few miles.
But I could explain the sudden frown on my face. It seemed that my nine long months of solitude and research had practically been for nothing. I trapped myself in journals, maps, and newspaper articles, all to find the one person I considered my most important- and here, he had found me first.
I pushed him off me, "Where the fuck have you been?!"
Harry's expression faltered, "I-I can explain…"
"Were you dying? Sick? Recovering from some terrible injury?" I asked. Hopefully he would say yes to one of the options; that way I would have some plausible excuse to work with.
"I- no…"
As soon as I got up, he did. It made me even more frustrated- I wanted to be the one to tower over him… "Then there's no excuse! There's not a fucking reason in the world that would justify why you've been missing for all this time!"
"Just let me explain-"
"You should have explained before you disappeared! Do you have any idea what it's been like since you left?" I asked. Fuel was added to the fire as I felt a tear streak down my cheek.
"Hermione, I know, okay? I know I owe you the biggest apology of my life. You deserve to know above everyone else why I did what I did. Please, try to let me explain…"
I stared at him, for the sole reason of staring at him. Oh, how I wanted to know everything. But I refused to keep being made the fool. He had no idea what it was like; for once I wanted someone to chase after me.
So I shook my head and turned. He could think whatever he wanted from seeing my retreating back.
"Hermione?" he called unsurely. I didn't stop, or even acknowledge that I heard him. I folded my arms over my chest and tried to block away the chilling cold. I was so ready for this cold to be done with.
Now shivering lightly, I continued on my way back towards my flat. I had no further plans after that. But I did wonder if Harry was going to follow me all the way home.
Honestly, I had already expected for him to apparate off. But no, I heard his breathing and the sounds his feet made as they hit the pavement a few feet behind me.
The silence continued as I entered the opposite end of the park and continued all the way towards my flat. I could tell Harry got a little closer to me in the park, but I wasn't sure why. If he was expecting me to start up conversation, then he'd be waiting for a long time. I wasn't the one who had to explain.
I walked up the steps of my porch and reached in my pocket for the keys. The sooner I got out of this bloody cold, the sooner I'd be able to think straight. I shoved the key inside the keyhole, but then froze at the sound of his voice.
"Hermione, please. I'm not going to come in if you don't want me to."
I held my breath, weighing in what he had just said. I had an ultimatum. If I didn't let him in, then he'd leave. Possible forever. But if I let him in…
Was there a bad side to it? This is what I've wanted from him; his explanation. And now he's here, willing to give it to me. How could I even think about possibly keeping him out in the cold?
I shook my head, trying to get the remnants of my hissy fit out of my mind. I had been wanting Harry for nine months now. I was still angry with him, but I wasn't going to shut him out. For my sanity's sake, I had to keep him as close as possible.
I heard a sigh from behind me as I pulled my key out of the door. I hoped he wouldn't take my silence as rejection. After pushing the door open, I walked through. I never turned to close it.
A few seconds passed and I was just arriving in my living room when I heard the sound of excited footsteps up my stairs and the sound of my door closing. I sat down on my couch just as Harry walked in.
"Nice place," he said, looking off into the rest of my flat. I blushed in embarrassment; the place was a wreck. I hadn't exactly cleaned it in, well, a very long time.
"It's a shit-hole," I replied.
"I think it's great," he returned still looking around. There was a weird look on his face that I couldn't decipher. He smiled and my heart almost beat out of my chest, "Smells like you."
I frowned. Had he hit his head too? If he was going to continue to mumble nonsense like that then I was going to have to step in and do something.
"Er, right."
"So I guess you want your explanation, huh?" he asked.
I narrowed my eyes. He better not try to back out. He'd been running away too much lately, "That's why we're here."
He nodded, "Can I sit?"
I scooted over, giving him ample room to sit next to me on the couch. Once he was settled I found it hard not to stare at his face.
"I don't know where to start…"
I narrowed my eyes, "Where did you go on Christmas?"
"I went to the Hog's Head, where Aberforth had a message for me. Once I read it I disapparated to a house. I can't tell you where."
I nodded. Of course his hide out would be unplottable. I figured that about a week into my search, "Where you by yourself?"
"Lupin and Tonks were both living at the house, too."
My mouth fell open. Both Lupin and Tonks were in on this?! Tonks was supposed to have been transferred to the French ministry, and Lupin was supposed to be off on an order mission! I'd seen Lupin three bloody times since Christmas, and the old wolf hadn't said anything!
Harry tried to calm me down, "Hermione, they were under oath. They couldn't even hint that they knew something concerning me or my whereabouts."
I gapped at him, "W-Why them? Why not me and Ron, like we all agreed on?"
He shook his head, "I don't know Hermione… I-I had hoped that it wouldn't take too long, and that I would be back before you even noticed."
I scoffed, "Well you were wrong. And I noticed."
Harry flinched at the malice in my voice, "I'm sorry. I just wanted what was best for you- and Ron."
I gave him a hard look, "And we all wanted what was best for you."
"I know, but I couldn't have had any of that until Voldemort was gone," he said the name just as easily as he always had. For that reason, it made it seem that he was effected by all of this more than he let on.
I grabbed his hand; a touch of forgiveness. No matter what I had been through trying to find him, I knew it must have been ten times worse for him, as he was trying to save the world and get back to us safe and sound. I didn't think I'd ever get over the amazement and gratitude I felt for him accomplishing both.
I squeezed his hand and he gave me a small smile. I forgot to breath for a second.
"Did you get hurt… when you fought him?"
Harry shrugged. Always so modest, "It was painful as hell, but I came out of it alright."
Something told me he was trying to pull a blanket over what had really happened, but I let it go.
"Why didn't you just come back after?"
He let out a deep breath and looked down to his knees, "I didn't want to have to answer people's questions."
"I wouldn't have made you tell me anything you didn't want to," I told him heatedly.
"I know, Hermione. But that's just it. I would have told you everything. And I was…" he paused and I could tell he was trying to come up with the right word, "Afraid… that you would hate me for it. For the things you found out I did. I was scared that you'd be afraid of me."
I was shocked. You could tell so by the way my face dropped. It was a low blow, knowing that he didn't trust me like that.
"I could never be afraid of you, Harry. Whatever you could have possibly done, you should've known I'll always support you."
This time, Harry squeezed my hand, "I know that now. Seems silly, me thinking that you of all people would hate me."
I felt relived, and also, again felt like I could throttle him, "More like down right fucking stupid."
Harry let out a bark of laughter. Oh, how I had missed that laughter.
"That language…" he said, his eyes reveling in mine, "boy, I've really missed a lot."
"You really have," I said with a nod.
He looked at me curiously, "Like what?"
"You're going to tell me you haven't been watching everyone like you have me?" I was referring to him appearing at my doorstep over the past few weeks. Now was as good as time as ever to call him out on it.
He blushed, "I haven't. You're the only person I wanted to see. And it's not like I was stalking you…"
I didn't know how to respond to that. Why was I the only person he was interested in seeing? Did he know that I was really the only one looking for him? Is that why he felt obligated to explain to me first?
"What have you been up to?" he asked me suddenly. I frowned. He wasn't going to change the topic, and put things off on me. Not a chance in hell, Harry Potter.
"You."
He frowned, confused, "What?"
"You. I've been looking for you. For nine months, I've been trying to find you."
"Fuck Hermione," he whispered, putting his head in his free hand. He looked more upset at my comment then I would have thought.
"Why are you surprised?" I practically scowled. I was expecting a humbled thanks, or maybe even a flattered grin.
But Harry shook his head, "I was hoping you'd be too mad to even bother."
I shrugged, "I was mad. But I didn't give up. You could've been hurt or something."
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "But I didn't want you and Ron to feel obligated to come chasing after me. I sort of wanted to give you that normalcy…"
I scoffed again, "You missing isn't normal Harry, and you bloody well know it."
"Was Ron as pissed as you were?" he asked with interest.
I shrugged once more. I didn't want to upset him by admitting that Ron was more submissive in his leaving, "I don't know, we never really talked about it."
He gave me a questioning look. If we were going to have an actual, honest conversation, then I figured I had to tell him.
"Well I never really talked to him about it. I was too focused on you to talk feelings with Ron."
He sat up straight again, "Wait, he didn't- he didn't try to find me along with you?"
I shrugged pathetically, "It was sort of my mission. Everyone else was convinced that you knew what you were doing when you left, and that if you wanted to come back you would."
"Wow…"
I agreed with him, "Yeah. Ginny was the only one that ever helped me."
"Ginny helped you?" he asked in a different voice.
"Why do you sound so shocked?"
I watched as he quickly shook his head, "No, I just thought that… I don't know. I guess that I was kind of hoping she wouldn't."
He sounded disappointed. A streak of stubbornness flared in me; I wasn't going to let Ginny take credit for all my hard work. "Well she didn't for too long."
"What do you mean?" he asked with a frown, staring straight through my eyes and into the depths of my soul.
I couldn't deny him anything when he looked at me with those eyes. So I told him everything about Ginny. About how she said she thought that Harry didn't love her and how she had started dating Chad. I even told him, embarrassingly so, how I got so angry when she stopped helping me search and how I had nearly hit her at Seamus and Dean's.
To my surprise, he let out another laugh, "Wow Hermione. Thanks for fighting so hard for me."
"You're not sad?" I asked, this time taken aback.
"About what?"
"That Ginny's with someone else?"
He shook his head quickly, "No. Why would I be?"
"You're back now- don't you want to start back up with her?" My stomach clenched, and my eyebrows furrowed. Now was an odd time to be getting hungry.
"Well she was right. I was never in love with her. I can't really explain it," I could tell he was starting to turn a little shy. He was always like that when we discussed his relationships and girls, "I guess… she made me feel normal."
"Oh." That was all I could say.
"I'm happy for her actually. I hope this Chad bloke is treating her right."
"She seemed happy last time I saw her." It took me a while to recognize a familiar ache of longing in my chest. It must have been for Ginny. I hoped my best friend really was happy.
"What about you, Hermione?" he asked, surprisingly shy. "Have you been happy?"
I frowned. What a stupid question. Wouldn't he have known the answer to it? I didn't reply, and continued to frown up at him.
He flustered, "What I mean is… um, you… you and Ron? Did you guys…?"
My eyes narrowed, "Did we what?"
"You know… get together?"
I didn't scoff at his question. I didn't laugh, smirk, snort, sigh, scowl or blush. I simply answered, "No."
"Oh," there was a new tone in his voice. Lighter. "But I thought you guys liked each other? Remember 6th year? You sent a flock of canaries at his head for kissing Lavender Brown, if I remember correctly."
I shrugged, "I can't explain 6th year, Harry. I think I was just feeling a little left out and lonely."
"What do you mean?"
"Well…" I looked at him, wondering if he was really that interested in my explanation. I didn't feel like embarrassing myself again tonight. Not surprisingly though, he was staring at me with rapt attention.
I closed my eyes and started my enlightenment, "Okay, you were busy with Ginny and Ron was constantly sucking face with Lavender. Whenever you two were away from your significant others, it was like you were either too busy to deal with me or too frustrated that I kept bugging you about the Prince's book. I don't know- I felt like I made you angry all year long."
"Hermione…" I looked at him and saw the sadness in his eyes. I sighed again; I didn't want to make him feel guilty.
"It's okay Harry. I understand that it was a tough year for you. You probably just wanted to spend as much time being 'normal' with Ginny as you could…"
"Hermione, Ginny made me feel normal. You make me feel like myself. You make me feel special, but not special as a hero or the Boy-Who-Lived." I stared hard at him while he shifted on the sofa and contorted his face into a series of expressions. His hand was still holding firmly onto mine.
"So, do you understand what I think I'm trying to say?"
I smiled. I loved his nervousness, "Yes, and I'm glad."
"You have no idea how sorry I am that I made you feel that way all year. If I would have just listened to you, things might have turned out a lot differently…"
"It's okay Harry, I forgave you a long time ago about all of it." I cupped his cheek in my palm, hoping that this would better convince him of my sincerity.
We sat like that for a long while- me holding my hand to his face, rubbing my thumb over his cheek every few seconds, and him just looking at me, his eyes boring into mine.
He blinked once. I hadn't noticed how far he had moved into my caress, but his face was practically laying against my palm. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like a mute infant crying for help.
"What is it?" I finally asked.
He started in a rush, "Hermione, when I'm with you, I'm just Harry and I'm allowed to be happy and at ease. I don't have to work to make you pleased with me. It's like I can just relax for once."
"I feel like that with you, too."
Was that a relieved smile? My stomach flipped again. More hunger pains I guess…
"You do?" he asked me.
"Yes. Think of how long we've been friends; I think it's normal that we would feel comfortable around each other."
I watched him sigh as he turned his head away. Had I said something that upset him?
"Comfortable isn't the word I'd use, Hermione."
"Well, aren't you comfortable right now?"
He shifted, "Not really…"
I frowned and felt irritated. Hadn't he just confessed that he felt happy and at ease with me? Was he trying to screw with my head? "Harry, if you have something to say then just spit it out."
"The reason I left was because I didn't want you to come with me and throw your life away to save mine. I didn't want you ruined in any way…"
I rolled my eyes, "I always knew you could be a bit daft, if that's what you're getting at."
He grinned and tugged on a loose piece of my hair. It was hard not to smile back, "No, that's not what I'm trying to get at."
"Well what is it then?"
"Because if I did survive, I wanted someone I could come back to."
I frowned harder than ever before, "What are you talking about?"
He started shifting again. The image of Harry looking at me from my porch, and then taking off into the dark night flashed before my eyes. I squeezed his hand, letting him know that I wasn't going to let him run away again, so to speak.
Harry took a deep breath, "I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was gone. And I know this sounds terrible and that I should have wanted for you to move on, but I was honestly hoping that you were thinking about me just as much."
My eyes narrowed, turning my frowning face into a glare, "Well you got your wish. I spent nine months doing nothing but looking for you."
"I don't regret not contacting you. It would have put you in danger."
"I was already in danger-"
"Look, this isn't what I was trying to get at-"
"Well what were you trying to get at?" I asked impatiently, "What is so hard for you to just say?"
He glared at me for interrupting him again. After a few seconds, his eyes softened, "It was easy to leave Ginny. A little harder to leave Ron. But you, I didn't know how I was going to manage not seeing you everyday… or not hearing your voice."
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to scream that his pain was all his fault because I would have easily agreed to go with him and keep him company. But a different light in his eyes stopped me from bursting. It stopped my hands from clenching, and made my stomach recognize its hunger by flipping again.
My breathing hitched as I strung his words together, followed by a playback of our previous conversation. He had told me he was happiest with me. He had basically said I was the most important thing in his life. That I was the reason he survived…
Me, not Ginny. Not any other girl. Could that mean…?
No, I was imagining it.
And I was definitely imagining Harry leaning in, now only an inch away from my lips.
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