Please read the AN at the bottom of this chapter when you're done reading the chapter---
Chapter 6 - What Happened in the Tent - Part I
Harry walked up the stairs to his dormitory, the short conversation he had with Hermione buzzing around in his head.
He climbed into his bed, glad that Ron was fast asleep and not awake to question and pester him.
Hermione's reaction to him mentioning Ginny certainly suggested to him that she wasn't pleased with it. Did that mean she fancied him? Or did it just mean she only had a friendly interest and that she thought he could do much better than Ginny?
He really wished he could have kissed her when he mentioned having eyes on another girl, but something had quelled him. Even now, he didn't know how Hermione felt about him in return. He knew how she had felt all along in a previous lifetime of his. Oh yes, he remembered. He remembered finding out too late. He remembered realising on that terrible cold night that he couldn't do anything about it, that he was too late, that he had missed his chance.....
December 1997 - Ten minutes after Ron Weasley's Departure
Harry laid down on his makeshift bed, his head throbbing vigorously, the events of the last five minutes roaring at him, burning themselves in his mind ; rendering sleep impossible.
He saw red at that moment, hating every last thing in the universe ; he sat up in a fit of uncontrollable rage, ripping his pillow into shreds, discarding the feathers of the bed piece all over the floor. He threw his bed sheet away from him with a snarl, he got out of his bed and paced his small room furiously.
He was a loner, he thought to himself darkly, always was one and always would be one, he told himself again and again, staring out into the night with hatred etched permanently into his emerald-green eyes, eyes that had once sparkled with life and joy.
He truly loathed everything he knew in that moment - Ron - for abandoning him cruelly like that, Dumbledore - for his damned manipulations, Sirius - for leaving him although it was his fault he had died in the first place, and his parents - for sacrificing themselves and allowing him to live this cursed, wretched life.....
As he walked to the doorway he imagined he could hear something. Straining his ears, not really caring, he idly noted that it was the muffled sobs coming from Hermione. Too numb from shock and pain to do anything at that point, he merely listened for a moment with disgusted impatience, before he continued his strides. In fact, he reckoned he liked the sounds of her crying.
'Good,' he thought to himself savagely, hatred against her flowing through him, 'Let her feel some of what I'm feeling, let her suffer like I have all this time...'
Even as he thought that, he felt sick, he felt disgusted with himself. How could he even think that? He had every right to feel angry at Ron, Dumbledore, Voldemort, the world in general, but why Hermione...? She had done nothing to him, except unerringly stand by him when he was weak, when he was downtrodden and lost...
And now he was revelling in her misery, dispassionately listening to her weep, as if he could care less about the whole thing.....
'FUCKKKKKKK!!!!' Harry roared, his suffering fueling his anger as he fell to his knees in shame, hot tears of disgust and shame flowing angrily down his cheeks.
He moaned softly to himself, crying quietly, just as he had done so many times in the dark, small cupboard of Number Four..
His hatred and anger against everyone in the world vanished abruptly, only to multiply and redirect venomously back at himself, for harming someone he never even dreamed he could possibly harm, the sweet, innocent person in the other room, someone who had only ever strived to help and comfort him...
And how had he comforted her in return? He threw a blanket over her and left the room without even uttering a word.
He chuckled to himself in self-loathing.
As if in a trance, he got up slowly and made his way back to Hermione's room, determined to have his say ; determined to do something.
'H-Hermione?' he called anxiously.
Hermione immediately stiffened. She obviously hadn't been expecting Harry to come back and talk to her ; not after what happened.
'What is it, Harry?' she said softly, not looking at him. She was sitting Indian-style in the middle of her bed, her blanket in her hand.
Harry walked over to her and gingerly sat down on the edge of her bed. He pretended not to notice Hermione's eyebrows raise alarmingly out of the corner of his eyes.
'I-I just wanted to-to' Harry stumbled, not knowing what exactly he had come here for, all he knew was that he would regret it if he hadn't come.
To his surprise, Hermione nodded and she turned to face him at last. Harry was shocked when he saw the red, puffy face of his best friend. She was most definitely crying in here before he had come, worse than he had originally thought.
He then found, much to his consternation, that he didn't want to take his eyes away from Hermione's bleary form. For, even now, like this, she was just beautiful.
'I'm sorry, Hermione,' Harry blurted, knowing that he could say nothing else, yet hating himself for sounding so woefully inadequate.
'What for?' Hermione sniffed. 'You have nothing to be sorry for. H-He's the one who l-left.'
'I know... but, I'm still sorry. I-I made you choose, I forced you into a decision you obviously weren't comfortable making. I-'
'Harry,' Hermione interrupted, 'I made the decision to stay. You didn't force me, no one makes my decisions for me, not even Ronald Bilius Weasley.'
The uncomfortable, tension-filled atmosphere immediately thickened even further, the iciness in the air comparable to the cold, biting weather outside their small tent.
The palpable silence seemed to mock them, eerily flapping its wings in Hermione's room, glorying in the negative vibes it had caused to perpetuate between the two teenagers.
After a moment, it was Harry who broke the silence.
'Yes, I guess no one makes their decisions for you, certainly not him,' Harry said.
They seemed to just stay there for some time, hanging about in existence, neither willing to skirt the topic of Ron, but both knew that they would have to discuss him eventually ; they knew they couldn't get away without doing so.
'But yet, for what it's worth, I'm still sorry. I have a feeling... I have a feeling that I haven't exactly appreciated enough how much you've done for me and how much you've sacrificed for me,' Harry said, in a rush to get all the words out before he lost his nerve.
Hermione smiled but didn't say anything.
'So I wanted to say, um, thank you as well. Because I owe you a lot for always standing by me, for being there for me when no one would, especially now,' Harry added the last part bitterly.
At his words, a soft sob escaped Hermione before she could stop it and she immediately turned away from him.
Concerned, Harry reflexively ventured, 'I'm sorry Hermione, I shouldn't have-' Harry stopped. What had he said to upset Hermione? Even with his limited knowledge of girls, he knew that whatever he had just said couldn't have been upsetting to anyone.
Hermione must have heard him stop in mid-sentence and seen his look of confusion, for she replied softly, 'No, Harry, I'm not upset with you. It's just that no one's ever told me how much I meant to them.'
Harry brightened up at her words, but then another question popped into his mind, one which he was hesitant to ask because of Hermione's sensitivity to it.
Hermione looked as if she knew what he was thinking, but either chose to unconsciously ignore it or deliberately do so.
'Well, my parents told me so when I was younger... but that's like a different lifetime now, isn't it?' Hermione made a brave effort to smile, but it failed miserably as her face was bloated with tears by that point and recent events gave no desire for Harry to smile either.
Harry knew at that point that he should move a bit closer to Hermione and offer her a shoulder or something to cry on, he ought to comfort her a bit, but then Ron's contemptuous face popped into his mind, sneering at him.
'I get it... You choose HIM!' Harry thought with dejection and anger as a livid Ron snarled at a bawling Hermione. They were both his best friends, weren't they? Then why did they treat each other like that? And now that Ron was gone, by his own decision as Hermione had expertly pointed out, shouldn't he help the only best friend he had left?
With a steely determination he didn't know he possessed, he forcefully shoved the image of Ron and any related memories out of his head and boldly ventured closer towards Hermione.
Summing up all his courage, hoping his face revealed nothing, he darted his large, rough hand forward and clasped Hermione's small, soft one, gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.
The shock on Hermione's face however, wasn't disguised as adeptly as the nervousness on Harry's. She raised her eyebrows and her first impulse was to snatch her hand back, feeling it as a sign of disloyalty to Ron. The same Ron who didn't care how she felt, the same Ron that abandoned her, Hermione thought bitterly. 'No', she decided to herself, as she extended Harry's actions into a small hug, 'I need this as much as Harry does.'
'It isn't your fault that he left, Harry,' Hermione started, fully aware of being in Harry's comforting embrace for the first time in a long time. They hadn't had many of these hugs in the last year, she reflected morosely.
'But you can't deny what he said,' Harry replied softly, 'Barring the locket, we've had no success whatsoever in this wretched mission.'
'And we haven't been able to destroy that either,' Hermione added unhelpfully, but both of them knew that this was the time for the truth, and nothing else.
'Yeah, that too,' Harry added.
'But that's not your fault, Harry,' Hermione said, leaning into him, 'We were trying our best and if Ron's not satisfied with it, then that's his problem. He acted like someone who doesn't know you at all, he really thought we would be living in hotels, eating chicken and beer and that we would have finished this whole thing by Christmas in order to get a sampling of mummy's Christmas special,' Hermione finished scathingly.
Harry stayed still in shock, he had never heard Hermione talk like this before, he had expected her to sob all over him and hear her declarations of deep affections for Ron. All though he failed to understand why, that thought pained him probably even more than Ron's betrayal. Hermione, however, wasn't finished.
'Yes, the fact is, we've had pretty much no success. But we will come across something soon and win this, because what we're doing is right, what You-Know-Who's doing is wrong. It's as simple as that.'
'Hermione, but you have to understand, I don't feel that confident at all, I don't think I can take him on, I don't even feel like the Chosen One, I...'
'Harry,' Hermione interrupted soothingly, laying a palm on his chest and looking into his eyes, 'I believe in you.'
Something in Harry broke at those simple words of confidence and trust from Hermione. He felt some part of him that was restrained, that was bound by chains, leave him forever and it was as though he had been given a new life to live, fresh air to breathe. The sensations that he was feeling couldn't be described as anything other than wondrous, and for that moment, as he and Hermione locked eyes with each other, the cold, indifferent night seemed to wash away, leaving something purely pleasant behind.
'Thanks,' was all Harry could say as he looked intently at Hermione, trying to gauge what was going on behind those meaningful dark brown eyes.
'I know you're only human, Harry, but I'll always be with you, for as long as you wa- need me,' Hermione replied, not taking her eyes off his either.
Harry nodded in response. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. He knew he didn't want to leave, this was probably the most meaningful time he had spent with Hermione since before sixth year, a year where he didn't seem to need her like he did now.
The reflective melancholy must have been clearly visible on his face, because Hermione asked, 'What's wrong?'
'No-Nothing,' Harry replied. He didn't want to bring up sixth year now, a year where everything had changed for the both of them.
'Harry, what is it?' Hermione surged on, curiosity and a hint of the old bossiness lacing her voice. Harry grinned. She hadn't been like that for a long time, and he was surprised to say he missed it.
'It's just that-that- we haven't been like this for a long time,' he said, hoping that more words weren't necessary, and that Hermione would be able to figure it out without further explanation from him.
He needn't have worried ; it was Hermione after all, the person in the world who knew him the most.
'Hmmm,' she offered sadly, 'Sixth year, huh?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you ever sit down and wonder what happened to all of us that year?' Hermione asked.
'No, not really,' Harry replied.
'I have,' Hermione said, and Harry couldn't but help smiling ; Hermione always sat down and thought things over thoroughly, no matter what the topic or question. To his surprise, the tears started falling again from Hermione's face as she looked at him despondently and she opened her mouth to speak.
'We were all so different last year, and me, I was such a - such a horrible person to you and to Ron and-'
'No, you weren't,' Harry said automatically. True, he had been unnaturally distant with his female best friend the whole year, but that was because of his fixation on Snape and Malfoy, and his refusal to give up the Potions book, which Hermione absolutely despised.
'Yes I was Harry!' Hermione said hotly, 'Even though I hated that book of yours, I shouldn't have let it come in the way of our friendship by making snide remarks about you and fighting with you over every small damned thing, and then-'
'It wasn't my book, it was that foul murderer's,' Harry spat, venom filling his tone, 'I was foolish enough not to listen to you and get carried away with it. I should've known by then that not listening to you is a pretty foolish course of action.'
Hermione blushed and looked away from Harry.
'You don't mean that,' she mumbled, still not daring to look at Harry.
'I do,' Harry said, 'You were right in second year about the monster. You were the only one who figured it out. You were right in third when you thought that Sirius sent me the broomstick. And when I thought he was in danger, you were right when you said it was a trap and we shouldn't go to the Ministry. And then you were right about that book belonging to a filthy traitor,-'
'I wasn't right about that. I never liked the book, but I never thought of it belonging to him and while we're on the topic, I was wrong and you were right about Snape and Malfoy,' Hermione whispered.
'Well, it's really heartening for my mind to find out that I was right at least once,' Harry grinned, trying to lighten the mood.
'Don't be silly Harry, you can manage perfectly fine without me to tell you what's right, in fact you managed perfectly last year,' Hermione muttered the last part so softly that even Harry could barely hear.
'What? What are you talking about? What happened that made you-'
'Harry, I hate actually saying the words, but it was so painfully obvious last year that you neither needed or desired my friendship,' Hermione said.
'WHAT?!' Harry exclaimed, stung by her callous remark, 'Are you saying-'
Hermione raised her hand to silence Harry's reply.
'I'm not saying it's your fault, Harry. You had everything you needed. You had a best friend you could talk to about Quidditch and teenage boy stuff, you had a book that would help you pass your exams and you later got a super-smart beautiful girlfriend who you could talk to about all your troubles. Even with the war on and Dumbledore's distressing lessons of You-Know-Who, you were the happiest I had seen you for a long time and more importantly you achieved it without me! I don't know why I was so hateful to you for that, but I was! No wait. Let me finish,' she said, as Harry opened his mouth to speak, possibly to contradict her, 'It took me a funeral, a funeral held for Dumbledore and the sight of you heartbroken, lying over his bent, broken body to understand how much I had screwed up, how much I had lost sight of what's truly important.
Harry stayed still in shock, not taking his grip off of Hermione, he wondered how long Hermione had been wanting to get this off her chest ; she was obviously distressed for a long time and yet he had done nothing about it...
'After the funeral,' she continued, 'After you talked to Scrimgeour, me, Ron and Ginny went back inside to the castle, sensing that you needed some time alone. I knew by then that you had just broken up with Ginny and you were probably hurting over it, but then I saw something that made my heart break, that made me cry loudly, that made me more depressed than anything else ever had in my life, probably even more depressing than three years of unreturned feelings...'
'What did you see?' Harry asked, not registering Hermione's words fully, as he was too busy trying to recollect what he had done that had devastated Hermione.
'I saw you falling,' Hermione replied monotonously.
'Eh?' Harry replied, clueless as to what Hermione was talking about, but it was definitely something really important to Hermione as she was now crying harder than she was before and she was trembling in his arms.
'I-I saw you fall to your knees beside the tomb,' Hermione sobbed even louder as she said this, she moved closer into Harry's arms and burrowed her face in his chest. 'I saw despair and a sense of...helplessness on your face that day. It was something I had never seen. It looked as though you had just given up completely. And at that moment, it struck me. Struck me hard. It just hit me out of nowhere, well, it probably hit me from the angst and loneliness radiating from you. You had so many things left to do, so many things to say and you had no one. When I saw you on your knees that day, I knew what you needed. You needed an outlet, a support, possibly a friend. You had just broken up with Ginny, you wouldn't touch the book with a ten-foot pole after its owner turned your life upside down ; Ron probably wouldn't be the best person for the job, considering his emotional range and all...'
She took a moment to catch her breath and to get the worst out. Harry just looked at her impassively, he remembered the time he had just fallen, without even holding himself, and Hermione was right. The harsh reality of the White Tomb struck him at that moment, the sun gleaming off its decorated edges and he felt a concentrated disconnection with the world around him, as though he was on a different plane of existence...
'I thought that left me as the only person left for you. But I was wrong. I thought that, even with our distance throughout the year, you would come to me and cry on my shoulder. But I was wrong. You never came. Even with your immense disappointment, even with the weight of the mountainous task ahead of you, you didn't even consider coming to me for support, coming to me for help... And that was when I almost died, Harry. I never hated myself more than I did in that moment. I couldn't breathe, for the realisation of what I had done, of what I had thrown away hit me like a bullet. I don't even know how I could have even attempted forgetting my only true l-'
Here, Hermione shook her head furiously, as if trying to rid herself of something, before she continued.
'The fact that you were there, in pain, hurting and grieving over your loss, and that still you hadn't thought of coming to me, hurt me more than you can ever imagine. I made a promise to myself that night, Harry. I swore that I would never abandon you again. I swore that I would help you always and make sure to avoid a repeat of that year's fiasco. So now, after Ron left, you still didn't come to me, even though I was hurting just as much as you were. You gave me your blanket and went to sleep.'
'I came to you now, I know you-'
'I know you did, Harry, but I'm just telling you why I'm so upset, why I'm sad. I swore not to leave you and now I find that you still can't stand the sight of me, much less be alone with me.. '
'I can't reply to that Hermione. I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed by everything you've just said. But the important thing is, I'm with you now. Initially, I just walked away after R-Ron left, but then I heard you crying and then something struck me too. Putting it in your own words, it was probably the grief radiating from you that struck me. I don't exactly know what happened, but I knew then, deep down, that I didn't EVER want to hear you crying like that again. I-'
'I should have used a Silencing Charm,' Hermione commented bitterly, 'Then you wo-'
'No, I'm glad you didn't, because then, we wouldn't be able to talk like this. Tomorrow and the day after and the days after would've been awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. We wouldn't-'
'I know,' Hermione silenced him and continued, 'I'm glad I could talk to you about this too. I just wanted you to know, that's why I was crying. Not because Ron left, well, partly because of that, but mainly because I thought that I had somehow failed to help you again and that you couldn't bare to stand my presence anymore.'
'That will never happen, Hermione, I promise you that. Whenever I have a problem, whenever something's bothering me, you're the first person I think of to go to, and it will always remain that way, no matter what. It's because you're super-smart and I could trust you with anything, absolutely anything,' Harry said, not knowing where the words were coming from, yet somehow knowing that they were the right ones to say. He looked at her deeply for another moment before leaning forward and kissing her softly on the forehead.
'Not to mention you're incredibly beautiful, too,' Harry whispered huskily while pulling away from her forehead and looking directly into her eyes again.
A soft tinge of pink appeared on Hermione's cheeks as she smiled nervously at him.
Harry didn't know what was going on with him. It had started when he heard Hermione crying and then intensified in the last few minutes because of his close proximity with his best friend. Although, on hindsight, it seemed like he had always felt this way...
'There's another thing I forgot to tell you,' Harry said.
'Oh?' Hermione inquired.
'It's another thing you were right about,' Harry said.
'What is it?' Hermione pressed, not taking her eyes off him.
'There was a time long ago,' Harry began, 'We were alone and we were both in danger like we are now.'
Hermione looked curiously at Harry.
'We were just about to get separated. Before leaving, you told me something that I never thought much about. Books and cleverness... you said that there were more important things in the world. Friendship, bravery, and... love,' Harry whispered, gently putting his hand under Hermione's face and lifting her chin up.
'I never said love, Harry,' Hermione said, gulping nervously. Feelings she thought that she had managed to suppress a long time ago were dangerously coming back to the surface again.
'I'm saying it, Hermione Jane Granger, because I think I'm hopelessly in love with you. You didn't say the word love before, but I said it to complete your sentence, in the same way that you complete me,' Harry whispered, looking into her eyes for a quick second, he had a feeling he wouldn't find any discouragement in there ; he was right. At the same time, they seemed to move forward an inch or two, before Hermione stayed herself, Harry closed his eyes and completed it, capturing her lips with his.
***
(To be continued)
AN - I initially had a hazy picture of this chapter in my mind and I was going to give it to you guys as a brief dream of Harry's, but then I changed my mind and wrote it in detail. That's because the angst and H/Hr interaction in this and the next chapter (which is gonna be 'What Happened in the Tent - Part II') is going to be the basis for a lot of Harry's decisions and reactions to the Weasleys and Hermione later on in the story.
And I know it said in Book 7 that it's Hermione Jean Granger, but I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, her name is Hermione Jane Granger, and nothing else!
Also, this is the first time I've written anything bordering on angst, so please tell me what you thought about it. Did it suck? Or was it believable angst? Tell me in a review!!