Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter 3: Weathered

Tell `em all I'm on vacation,
Say I went to visit friends,
That you ain't heard or seen from me in quite a while,
When they ask you where I've been,
Tell `em I'm out on the west coast where it don't ever rain,
And that I'm probably doing fine,

Just don't tell `em I've gone crazy,
That I'm still strung out over you,
Tell `em anything you want to,
Just don't tell `em all the truth,
Yeah don't tell `em all the truth

"The Truth" JASON ALDEAN

Serenity. Something I haven't felt in a long time. It's an odd feeling, serenity. It's an especially odd feeling to have right now, at this very moment. I feel a strange calmness wash over me as I lay here, dying. I've thought about death on several occasions, but never with such…well, serenity. I almost can't even wrap my head around it. I could never imagine such a peaceful death. Laying here in my bed with my amazing wife, my dearest Hermione, in my arms, breathing ever so softly. I wonder what she is thinking. I can pry, but I don't think I will. For once, I am going to let it be-partly because I can already guess what is going through her mind and I want to spare myself the guilt, and partly because I just don't want to. I don't want to ruin this moment because I don't know how long it will last.

I know this is my last night with Hermione. I know that at this very moment, poison is coursing through my veins, ready to make a lethal attack. And I know it is coursing through Hermione's as well. But she has an antidote. I pray she doesn't fall asleep before she takes it. She needs to live-for herself, for our baby. I know about the baby. I know why she never told me; she didn't have to.

When I found out, I thought-for a moment-I was saved. But it was fleeting. It was similar to the moment after I killed Voldemort. The moment when Hermione and I got married. And bought a house together. And a puppy. And a new job. When Ron and Luna got married. Each new little adventure in my life has given me that fleeting moment of salvation. I thought it would be a beginning. But I was wrong. The night terrors remained, worse than ever. The guilt came back. The terrible thoughts began to cloud my mind once more. I needed help. But nothing would work. Hermione did her best. She did more than I could ever hope for. She always understood. She deserves better. A better partner, a better life. Her baby deserves a better father. Someone who knows what they're doing and isn't a wreck.

I don't have my life together-despite how together I look. I'm thirty-one. I have an amazing wife. A nice cozy house. A great job. The best friends. A black Labrador. Even a baby on the way. Most would say a dream come true. But I still can't shake this…this…whatever it is that has taken hold of me. It has somehow burrowed itself into my very being, and shows no signs of leaving. I fake it well enough for the Wizarding World. Even my best mate doesn't realize his best friend is a mess inside.

All my life, I've had these expectations from everyone. The Dursleys expected me to act normal, despite there being an obvious abnormality that surrounded me. When I first stepped into the Wizarding World, everyone expected me to be The Boy Who Lived-someone I didn't even know. How was I supposed to live up to the fame, when I couldn't even remember what had triggered it in the first place? Who wants to have the legacy of living when Voldemort slaughtered your parents at such a young age? No eleven-year-old should be expected to live up to that.

As I grew older, I was expected to be a hero. Such an impossible task. I never could please everyone. At first, I was crazy. I was a liar. Attention-seeking. Then I was the only hope. Then I was the Savior. Finally, I was a role model for the Wizarding World to follow. How could someone like me be a role model? I can barely push myself everyday to get through the day, let alone try to be a leader. I never could quite accept this life. I have been so grateful for Hermione's discretion. Nobody wants to see the magician rig his tricks behind the curtain. No, they want to see the show. The good. The positive. If they knew the secrets, then the show would be for nothing. If the Wizarding World knew my secrets, the last ten years of rebuilding the broken communities and establishing new-found hope may also have been for nothing.

Such high expectations. Even from Hermione-almost. She expected a normal life. But I couldn't give that to her. How could I, with so much blood on my hands? From allies, from enemies. From the sinful to the innocent.

I couldn't. After years of living a half-life, Hermione knew nothing was going to change.

I'm selfish. I love her more than anything, but she deserves someone so much better. Someone who can offer her a better life. But I'm too selfish to leave her. It would kill her. But it's what she needs, what she deserves. I know this. She knows this. I can't make it happen. She can.

And she did.

Will it work out? I don't know. And that worries me. What will happen to Hermione? To the baby? A voice in my head tells me this is robbing our baby of a father-something I had to face growing up-but another voice tells me this is giving the baby a chance to have a father who isn't screwed up like I am. As much as I want that baby and this life, I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I need to save them from an empty life with me.

Because that's what Hermione and I do. We save each other. I want to save her a life of Hell with me. She wants to save my tortured soul from a life of Hell with myself. It's a win-win situation, right?

She's strong. She'll move on.

I sigh softly as I look down at the woman in my arms. Her eyes flutter open, and for a moment, we both just stare at each other. I try to put as much love and thanks and adoration I can in this one last look before I lean down and place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

This is the right thing, I tell myself before any panic of what I just gave up can envelop and drag me into a dark abyss.

I love her, and this is the right thing.

Good-bye.

I lie awake on a long dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killin' me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No, maybe I can't accept the life that's mine

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holdin' on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like givin' up, yeah
I said, sometimes I feel like givin' up

"Weathered" CREED

Obviously I had issues with a good song/name for this chapter. Haha. And that is the final OFFICIAL chapter for this story. I will try my best as making one more with Lily, after she has read the journal. No promises, but who knows. So I guess I'll see you guys next time. FYI: I'm getting ready to work on PVGR, so keep a look out for a new chapter soon!

Toodles!

*~Archie~*

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