Unofficial Portkey Archive

The Head Boy's Education
a Harry Potter fanfiction parody by canoncansodoff

A/N:I changed the title of this story to better reflect content. My original idea was that H/Hr were "dancing" around the rules, and bounds of propriety, but I like the emphasis on the fact that Hermione is showing Harry the ropes. And her desires. And maybe some skin…

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 2:Thinking Clinically

With an hour's time before the start of their 11pm to 2am patrol, Hermione suggested that Harry and she head towards their private quarters, and "freshen up a bit." The Head Boy thought this to be a fine idea, since the frisky bantering that they'd been engaging in had certainly left him more than a little sweaty.

"This is exciting, isn't it?" she asked, as they walked down the hallway that led to their Suite.

"Well, it's not like we haven't already been given a tour of our quarters."

"Yes, but...but now it's official...you're the Head Boy, and I'm the Head Girl, and this is...this is our place now."

Harry rather liked Hermione's choice of pronouns.He smiled, and asked, "So should there be some sort of formal ribbon cutting ceremony? Or maybe I should carry you over the threshold?"

The Head Girl turned towards her best friend and smiled coyly. "No need for anything formal when it's just us, Harry...and as for that other part..."

Harry snorted. "Yeah, I'm getting ahead of myself."

"You are, huh?"

"Erm, right...here we are," Harry pronounced, as they stopped in front of a magical portrait of a Sixteenth-Century noblewoman."What's the password again?"

Hermione giggled. "Need I chide you for inattentiveness, like I did those Fourth Years?" Not waiting for a response, she gave his hand a squeeze, turned towards the portrait, and stated, "Fruits of Victory."

The magical portrait smiled, and gave Hermione a wink.

"Welcome home, you two," the painting said slyly, as the frame swung away from the wall.

With the short stone-walled passage behind the painting only wide enough for one person at a time, Harry gave an exaggerated bow, and said, "After you, m'lady."

"Why thank you, kind sir," Hermione replied brightly, as she stepped into the entrance.

Harry was quite certain that his Suite mate was trying to make her arse just as mesmerizing as that Fourth Year's, as she swung her hips in front of him. But he wasn't confident enough to call her on it, so he simply stayed silent, and enjoyed the view.

"Mind if I take the first bath?" Hermione asked, as she dropped her book bag on a side table and walked into the Common Room.

Noticing that the bushy-haired witch wasn't waiting for an answer as she began to unbutton her school robes, Harry replied, "Erm...sure."

"Thanks," Hermione replied, as she let her robes drop to the floor and opened the door to their shared lavatory."Let me get the water started...be right back."

Harry nodded, and noted that the tight-fitting jeans that his companion had been wearing underneath her robes had added a capital "M" to the word "Mesmerizing. "He ogled until he was certain that he was about to get caught out, then shrugged off his own robes and took a seat on the comfortable sofa that sat by their fireplace.

When the Head Boy heard the sound of opened taps and flowing water a little more loudly than he expected, he looked up and noticed that his suite mate had left the lavatory door opened. His heart rate jumped a bit, until he remembered that Hermione had promised to return. His heart rate jumped a bit more when she did pop back into the room with her school tie undone and the buttons of her white blouse unbuttoned. Shirt tails pulled from her jeans left her shirt front opened, revealing a mid-drift baring tight-fitting pink camisole underneath.

Harry bit his lip, and tried to remain calm, for fear that an adverse reaction might make Hermione feel uncomfortable, and lessen the chances that this level of undress wouldn't be seen in the future. He didn't realize that at that very same time Hermione was herself fighting to remain calm, in the hope that her attire (or lack thereof) might be accepted as the norm...and that Harry might adopt a similar level of unconcern when he dressed...or undressed.

"So...I've got some homework for you while I'm in the bath," Hermione tried to state with confidence.

"Homework?Already?" Harry teased.

"Well, you do want to do well on patrol, tonight, right?"

"Of course...so what do you have in mind?"

Hermione's eyes twinkled as she walked over to the trunk that the House Elves had transferred for her from the Express and removed a thick envelope. As she walked back towards the sofa, she said, "One of the more important things we need to do while on patrol is to always maintain a professional demeanor...we mustn't become flustered, or embarrassed, or stammer like Ickle Firsties when presented with certain situations."

Harry nodded. The fear of growing a stiffie when they caught couples within broom closets had been a big issue for him.

"We also have to fill out a report after every instance in which we dock points, or issue detentions," Hermione continued. "These reports have to be very meticulous, and specific when describing the circumstances of any given incident."

"Erm...how specific is specific if we're docking points for....broom closet activity?"

"Verrry specific," Hermione replied, as she plopped down next to Harry. "The Headmistress reviews each of these reports, and needs that kind of specificity whenever a student, or their parents, appeals any disciplinary action that is taken."

Harry's eyebrows rose towards his hairline."So we're going to be writing down what couples are doing...and the Headmistress and maybe their parents are going to read what we write?"

Hermione nodded, and patted her best friend's knee in sympathy.

"It's not so bad, once you get the hang of it...and that's what the homework is for," she stated, as she opened the envelope and emptied two magazines and a parchment scroll onto the short table that sat in front of the sofa. Harry's face turned pale when he spotted the covers of these magazines.

"Erm...Hermione...pornography?"

The Head Girl smiled, and patted his knee again...although this time it seemed that the point of contact was further up the thigh.

"Think of them as training materials, Harry," she stated. "The parchment scroll contains anatomical diagrams that are labeled with the proper clinical terms for the different body parts. Now, I've taken the liberty of bookmarking certain pages within these magazines, and while I'm in the bath, what I'd like you to do is look at these pictures, and write down what you see using the proper terms."

"You...you...you want me to look at porn while you take a bath?" Harry stammered.

"Training materials, Harry....training materials," Hermione said with a confident smile that masqueraded a whole lot of nervousness inside. "It's something that every new prefect goes through...except that...well, it's usually a male upperclassman that works with the new male prefects, and females with females...if you are uncomfortable about doing this exercise with me, I guess I could get Ernie...or....Ron....to review your work?"

Harry took in a deep breath, then expelled it. "No, no...if you don't mind, then....well, there's nobody I trust more than you."

Hermione flashed a brilliant smile, and pulled Harry into one of her trademarked hugs...a hug that smashed her thinly covered chest against his arm.

"Right then...I'll leave the door open if you have any questions."

"You...you're going to take a bath with the door open?"

The Head Girl nodded, and gave a weak smile that betrayed a certain amount of insecurity and nervousness.

"There's nobody that I trust more than you, Harry... is there a reason why I couldn't trust you with the door opened?"

Harry's little head wanted to scream out "Yes!" But his bigger head decided that it would be better to lie.

"Erm, of course there isn't."

Hermione cocked her head and stared at Harry for a moment, with an expression that could be interpreted to reflect either a tinge of incredulity or a tinge of disappointment. She then nodded, gave his leg another squeeze, and stood up.

"Right then, won't be long...don't be shy with your questions."

"Yes, Professor," Harry teased.

After ducking underneath the light-hearted swipe of Hermione's hand, the black-haired wizard summoned some blank parchment and a Muggle ballpoint pen from a nearby desk, and laid them alongside the rolled-up scroll and muggle skin magazines...which, he noted, had recent publishing dates posted above their titillating cover photos. Harry looked up towards the lavatory door through witch Hermione had disappeared, weighing options. Deciding that he wanted to hear Hermione enter the water before he flipped open the skin mags (giving him at least a few seconds warning before she caught him drooling over something), he instead opened up the parchment scroll. And dropped his jaw, realizing that what was contained within wasn't any less erotic.

Just the opposite, in fact.

Contained within the parchment were full-frontal, anatomically correct pen-and-ink drawings of a nude male and nude female, standing side by side. Hand-drawn lines linked certain body parts to labels and the corresponding clinical terms.

Now one might think that pen-and-ink drawing of nude bodies would be less arousing to a teen-aged male than full-color photographs. But these weren't just generic human bodies, labeled with generic script. These were their bodies, labeled in Hermione's handwriting, standing underneath Hermione's handwritten instructions.

She had made a nominal effort to disguise their forms, of course. The nude male didn't wear glasses, and had short hair that laid flat and was parted to one side. The nude female figure did wear glasses, and had her long straight hair braided into a ponytail that draped over her shoulder. But there was no doubt who they were supposed to be...the two figures had exactly the same proportional height has they did, and the same body types. The female's breasts were the right size (based on what he'd seen constrained within Hermione's skimpy bikini back at her parents' house), and her patch of pubic hair was just as thick and curly as he imagined Hermione's would be. The male's unaroused penis was the right length...and was uncircumcised...and curved slightly to the left...just like his.

Harry's eyes drifted back towards the female figure's breasts, and he compared the circumfrance of the aureoles, and the thickness of the nipple tips to what he'd sort-of seen underneath Hermione's wet swim costume. That got him thinking back towards that time spent in the Grangers' backyard, and by the pool, and in the hot tub, and he zoned out for a few moments.

"Harry?"

"Harry?"

"Wha..erm...what Hermione?"

"Oh, didn't know if you were still there...didn't answer me for a moment."

"Erm, sorry...I was just thinking....do you need some soap, or something?"

Pregnant pause.

"Why do you ask, Harry...do you want to wash my back?"

"Do you want me to wash your back?"

Pregnant pause.

"Maybe another time, Harry...don't have that much time before patrol."

"Oh, right."

Left unsaid was the notion that there might come a time when Hermione would want to share the bath with him.

"So do you have any questions about your homework assignment?"

"Erm, no thanks...just working through the instructions..."

"Okay...well, if you do..."

"Then I'll know just who to ask."

"Good."

The sound of splashing water led Harry to wonder whether Hemione had just gotten into the tub. And whether, if she had just gotten into the tub, she might have been peeking at him from the doorway. He tried to shake these idle thoughts and focus on the task at hand. Following the instructions, Harry pulled out his wand and touched a random label.

Or not so random, as the one picked read "Vagina."

The black ink flashed red, and arrow heads began to flow down the connecting line towards the corresponding bits. When the wand tip that was dragged down this line reached its endpoint, the pubic hair flashed white, and the magical drawing animated....with the female figure drawing back and wiggling its hips, as if Harry had just poked her in the crotch.

Which he had, when you think about it.

Harry snorted, and moved on to the next label. It took a few moments to work through the different bits...would have taken less if he hadn't paused after each one to watch the various animated effects. When he got to the last one, and prodded his avatar's scrotum, the labels faded out, the inked figures turned to face each other, and the figure "2" appeared on the top left corner of the page, with arrows on either side. A Lumos spell lit over "real" Harry's head,as he realized that Hermione had created a page browsing system. Touching the left arrow brought the parchment back to the original, full-frontal view of the figures, while touching the right-side arrow....did nothing except provoke a note indicating that he needed to complete his review of the current page before being allowed to look ahead.

The Head Boy rolled his eyes, but played along and touched a label marked "Flaccid Penis." Once he followed the guideline and touched the male drawing's member, the bits flashed, and the female figure reached out and took hold of the male's crotch.

"Holy Shit!" Harry exclaimed, as a new label appeared above the female figure's hand that read, "Manual Stimulation of the Male's Genitalia."

"Something wrong?" the real Hermione called out.

"Erm no...just caught off guard by the magical animation," Harry called back. "Didn't know that you were such a talented artist."

"What's that Harry? Think I got some water in my ear."

"Oh, erm...never mind," the Head Boy replied, as he tried to regain both focus and composure. He completed the link between label and hand-drawn hand-job, and the point of contact flashed,Pen-and-ink!Hermione then pulled her hand back from a "Fully erect penis," (which was labeled as such). And once Harry completed that guideline traverse,the female figure dropped to her knees, and the label "Oral Stimulation of the Male's Genitalia aka Fellatio" appeared.

Harry made sure that he swore with a whisper as he watched the female inked-figure deep-throat his avatar. His real-life, flesh and blood "Fully erect penis" strained painfully against his trousers, and though he really wanted to release it, he didn't dare to. So he settled for a manual readjustment to a less-constraining position as the label "Ejaculation" appeared at the appropriate moment.

A prompt to "turn the page" was eagerly followed, and the figures traded places, so that the various steps from "Manual stimulation of the Female's Nipples" through "Oral stimulation of the Female's Clitoris aka Cunnilingus" were reached. When Harry activated that last phrase, it's label extended out, and the addendum "Completed to orgasm" appeared. The female figure didn't wait for Harry's wand tip to hit the mark at that point...she dropped her head back, clenched the male figure's head between her thighs, and shook violently with an open-mouthed roar that would have been ear-piercing, had the scene included an audio track.

A chime sounded, warning the Head Boy and Girl that their patrol was to start in a half-hour's time.

"How's it going, Harry?" a voice called out from the lav.

"Erm, fine, thanks," he called back.

"Well, I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay."

With the warning firmly in hand, Harry rushed through the next several labeled images...past the "Mutual Masturbation," and "Penetrative Vaginal Intercourse," and "Anal Intercourse to Completion." Though he desperately wanted to dwell on these animated scenes, he also didn't want to disappoint the one whom he was certain was the real life model for the sexually adventuresome (and incredibly limber) ink-drawn figure.

The black-haired wizard was just reaching for the skin mags when Hermione appeared in the doorway, dressed in a very short, very thin, and very wet silk dressing gown.

"So, how far did we get?"

"What?"

"How far did you get in your homework?"

"Oh, thought you said...erm, never mind," Harry muttered, as Hermione crossed the room and sat down next to Harry.

He grimaced as the act of sitting down caused the hem of her robes to fall slightly apart, and reveal a lot of inner thigh. He grimaced not just from the strain of his erection against his trousers, but from the embarassment of sporting such an obvious hard-on in front of Hermione.

"Right, well...spent some time making sure I memorized all of the different terms," he tried to explain.

"But didn't get to look at the color photographs, or write down your observations?"

"Not as such."

"Oh, so....maybe I'll have to examine you orally."

"What?" Harry blurted out.

"Test you with questions and answers, silly," Hermione teased."What do you think I meant?"

"Erm,that was it, sorry...just a bit nervous...want to get things right with you...I mean with my duties..."

Hermione smiled, and leaned over to plant a light kiss on his cheek.

"Of course you do," she stated. "Right, maybe we have time for one or two examples...I'm sure you'll be able to pick things up as we go along."

Harry nodded as Hermione leaned over to pick up the August issue of "Beaver Hunt."

If he hadn't been straining his peripheral vision to peak down the loosely-tied robe, he would have realized that she was bringing the magazine back towards his crotch. As it was, he didn't know she intended to place the magazine in his lap until he felt the back of her hand come to rest against his erection.

"Eep!"

"Is this okay?" Hermione asked innocently.

"Erm, yeah...perfectly fine."

"Right then, let's find a good one...."

Harry watched in disbelief as Hermione began to turn pages and inspect individual images.

"Here we go, Harry....let's say you were on patrol, and opened a broom closet door, and found this young lady in this position.How would you describe it in your report?"

The Head Boy looked down at the page, and gulped.

"Erm....umm...."

"And how would you spell 'erm'?" Hermione teased.

"Sorry...okay, so the female is naked and leaning against a wall with her legs spread. She's holding a purple...purple dildo in her left hand, and has inserted it into her vaginal cavity. The index finger of her other hand is......"

"C'mon Harry...I know you can do it."

"Right, she's got her finger stuck up her bum."

"Yes, and no," Hermione said with a smile. "The proper description would be 'left index finger inserted past the first knuckle into her anal cavity'."

"Oh, yeah...of course."

"How about this one, then?" she asked, flipping towards a different set of photographs.

Harry stared at the lesbian scene and gulped.

"Didn't see this in your ink drawings," he stammered.

"No, but the same terms can be used," the Head Girl replied. "Just describe them as 'Female 1' and 'Female 2'."

"Do you really think that I'll be writing something like this up for the Headmistress's review?"

"I'm quite certain of it," Hermione replied with a grin. "Don't want you to get excited at the idea, but we're certain to encounter at least one pair of cauldron lickers tonight."

"Cauldron lickers?" Harry squeeked."Is...is that a clinical description?"

Hermione snorted. "No...just what we called Ka....called them...in the Girl's dormitory."

"Ka....Katie Bell?"

"Now I didn't say that, did I?" Hermione replied, waggling her eyebrows.

"Oh, Merlin help me!" Harry muttered.

"Merlin's not going to be able to help you wash up," the Head Girl decided."Go on...get going..."

"Yes, dear," Harry said sarcastically, as he turned slightly and stood (so as not to wave his distended trouser front in front of Hermione's face).

"And be quick about it...don't do anything that I wouldn't do in there," Hermione added.

Harry snorted.

"Right."

The Head Boy disappeared into the lavatory, in desperate need of release...which came in almost no time at all. He might have felt a bit less guilty about dropping his pants and rubbing a quick one off behind the closed door had he known that he had, in fact, done something that Hermione would do. Something that she was, in fact, doing at that very moment…as she focused on an animated scene in which her naked avatar was bouncing reverse-cowgirl on top of Harry's erection.

-->