The Head Boy's Education
a Harry Potter fanfiction parody by canoncansodoff
A/N: This hastily-written, off-the-cuff crack-fic is intended to be a harmless piece of smutty
humor, and readers will do well to treat it as they do cotton candy (or candy floss, as they call it over the pond).
You'll only hurt yourself if you insist on thinking about this story and its canon non-compliance, so
don't.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
oo00OO00oo
Chapter 3: A Teachable Moment
Head Boy Harry Potter opted to use the shower rather than bath, so that he could wash off (as quickly as possible)
bodily fluids that Hermione's "training materials" had classified as "Male Semen Ejaculated
During Solo Masturbation." While doing so, his eyes drifted towards the bath and the undrained bath water
that Hermione had used…bath water that she had just soaked naked in…bath water used to soap up her breasts, and scrub
her fanny in…all while the door had been opened and he had been sitting in the adjacent room.
The mental recreation kept Harry's excitement levels up, and kept his "Semi-erect Penis," from returning to baseline conditions. The noticeable bump in his profile formed as he wrapped a towel around his waist wasn't any more prominent than what he'd been sporting the past half hour…nothing more than what Hermione had rested her hand on while she held the "training materials" open on his lap...but it was still a well-defined erection.
On any other given day, he would have hidden in the lav until he calmed down, but they would be patrolling soon, and he needed to change, and…and Hermione and he were dancing around each other in an erotic game for which his towel would be an entirely appropriate uniform. So when a thought popped into his head that he could call for Dobby to bring him his clothes, he decided that Dobby really didn't need to be bothered, and ignored it…
Just like he ignored every other idle thought in his head when he poked his head out into the common room, and focused his all on what he spied on the other side.
Hermione was sitting on the sofa, holding one of the porn magazines open in one hand, while her other hand teased a nipple through the thin fabric of her pink camisole. The regulation knee length school skirt that the Head Girl had been wearing before her bath was swapped out for a black leather mini-skirt, and her sensible penny-loafers replaced by knee-high dragonskin boots. The heels of those boots were propped up against the edge of the coffee table, about eighteen inches apart. This was more than enough distance for Harry to look up Hermione's skirt and gaze upon the gusset of white lace knickers that barely covered her fanny.
The Head Boy couldn't help but stare for a few seconds at his Suite mate, who was taking shallow breaths, and breathing out through pursed lips. Hermione seemed to be so focused on the opened page before her, and so diligent in twisting the nipple, that she didn't realize that Harry had entered the room.
Or so he assumed…not that his brain was capable of making logical assumptions at that moment.
When the bushy-haired witch interrupted her grope long enough to furtively turn the page, her eyes drifted above the magazine and locked on to Harry's. Those eyes went wide, her knees slammed together, and her hands went to her sides, with the magazine slammed shut and dropped onto the seat cushion next to her.
"Erm…done with the wash-up?" she squeeked.
"Ah..yeah. Sorry that I interrupted."
Hermione's eyes narrowed, and shifted from a "caught in the headlights" look to something much more
confident… and amused…and almost defiant.
With an amazing amount of confidence (given the situation), the Head Girl replied, "No problem," and let her attention point drift southwards, towards an erection that was threatening to pop out between the ends of Harry's towel.
The Head Boy followed Hermione's gaze, and has halfway to covering himself with a hand, before he decided the point to be moot.
"So, Hermione…reading a…stimulating…article?" he teased.
The brown-haired witch placed her hands on each knee and coyly smiled.
"As far as you know," she replied, adding, "Actually, I was creating a teachable moment for you."
"A what?"
"Teachable moment, Harry…that was what you were just doing, right?
"Erm…"
"Instead of playing the Peeping Tom and gawking at me while…while I was being intimate with myself… you were dispassionately assessing the situation to determine whether I was violating school rules?"
"Erm, yeah…that's exactly what I was doing."
"So?"
"So…what?"
"If you were on patrol and found me just like I was in an unused classroom…would you have grounds to dock points or issue a detention?"
"Certainly not if I were in charge of the rule writing," Harry replied.
"How about under the rules that you're charged with enforcing?"
"Erm…well, hate to think so, but…don't really think…"
"Here, let me help by recreating the scene," Hermione said with a wink.
Harry watched with dumbfounded amazement as his Suite mate picked the magazine back up, reached a hand up to her breast, and slowly…oh so slowly…spread her knees apart.
"So this is part of my training?" he stammered.
Hermione replied with a chuckle.
"Yes, Harry…it is my hope to have you up to speed and fully…trained…as quickly as possible."
"Right, well…good."
"So?"
"So...what?"
"Am I in violation of school rules at this moment?"
"Erm, hate to say it, but…I can't see how you wouldn't be out of bounds."
"On what basis?"
"What?"
"What rules am I violating, Harry?"
The Head Boy snorted, and nervously reached up to rub the back of his neck and looked down at the floor…not because he didn't enjoy the view, or was embarrassed by it, but because it would have been bloody impossible to try to remember school code while he was looking up Hermione's skirt.
"Right, so…you are seventeen years old, so I guess it's not against the rules for you have a porn magazine."
"And what about where I'm reading it?"
Harry's eyes darted towards hers and he smiled.
"Reading that magazine, Hermione? Is that what you're doing?"
"As far as you can tell from there, right?"
"Okay, I guess, so…I can see the cover, and it's very suggestive, but doesn't show naked bits, so…if there were Firsties in the room that'd be bad…but we're in our Suite, and under-aged students can't be here without our permission."
"Excellent, point, Harry…so the possession isn't a problem. What else, then?"
"Well…I guess you are engaging in an explicit sexual activity, and that would be against the rules."
"What type of explicit sexual activity?"
"What? I mean…isn't it obvious?"
"Spell it out for me, Harry?" Hermione cooed, as her fingers moved out to cover the breast whose nipple she'd been tweeking.
"Well, you are…erm…'Manually stimulating your breast and nipple'."
"Is that what you think I'm doing?"
"What else could it be?"
Hermione grinned. "Maybe I've just got an itch that needs scratching."
"You and me both," Harry thought to himself. His cheeks reddened a bit and he protested, "But if were just an itch, you wouldn't be sexually aroused!"
"I see," Hermione replied, adopting a professorial tone. "And upon what basis have you determined that I am sexually excited?"
"Erm…well…yeah…not as obvious as when a bloke is turned on…"
"A bloke like yourself, perhaps?" Hermione teased.
"Perhaps…but even so…your…your nipples are hard, and poking through the fabric of your shirt."
"Maybe it's just cold in the room."
"Erm, no…I'm definitely not cold right now."
"Still circumstantial, Harry…what else?"
"Well, the way that you're dressed…"
"Has nothing to do with whether I'm trying to get myself off or not."
"Erm, right…so…"
"Any other evidence, Mr. Head Boy?"
Harry looked down at the floor and mumbled, "Yourknickersarewet."
"What's that, Harry?"
"I said….I said that you're knickers are soaking wet!" he blurted out.
Hermione pursed her lips as she slowly dragged her hand down her body and reached up under her skirt. Harry's eyes couldn't help but follow as fingers dragged up her inner thigh, and came to rest upon her cloth covered mound.
"So they are," she pronounced. "But is that definitive proof that I'm incredibly horny and close to another orgasm?"
"Another…another orgasm?"
Hermione snorted.
"Answer the question, Head Boy," she ordered, with fingers still resting upon damp cotton.
"Well…I suppose it's possible that you…that you spilled some water on them, or that you…you tinkled."
"Tinkled, Harry?" asked a bemused Head Girl. "Didn't make it to the water sports page in my primer, huh?"
"Fine, you could have urinated," Harry replied sharply.
"Are my knickers stained yellow, Harry?"
"Erm…"
"Well go on, get a good look…"
"Ahh…no."
"No they aren't stained yellow, or no you don't want to look?"
"The first one."
"So that rules out urine, don't you think?"
"I guess."
"But it doesn't rule out spilt water, so you're out of luck, I'm afraid."
"Oh, come on, Hermione…you're sitting there with wet knickers, pinching your nipple while you perv on a skin mag, and you're trying to tell me that you aren't hot and horny?"
"No, I'm not."
"You're not hot and horny, or you're not saying that you're hot and horny."
"I'm saying that you have no basis for writing me up for performing an explicit sexual act."
"But…but now you've got your hand up your skirt, and letting me watch you diddle yourself through your pants!"
"Is that a complaint, Harry?"
"Erm, no…of course not…just don't understand how…"
"Harry, right now I'm not exposing any bits, and I could well be itching a scratch down there."
"So…so you're telling me that I could reach down right now, and start stroking my 'Fully erect penis' in front of you…and that wouldn't be against school rules, as long as my bits are covered with a towel?"
Hermione chuckled, and smiled with eyes that twinkled with more intensity than Dumbledore had ever managed to generate.
"Don't let me stop you, Harry."
"Don't let me…so what's the difference between scratching your bits and rubbing one off?"
"Ejacuate."
"That hardly seems fair...girls get a pass based on that standard."
"Not if they are squirters."
"What?"
"Squirters, Harry."
"You mean…girls…or women…who squirt out when the come just like guys?"
"Well not every woman, and it's not quite like male ejaculation, but…"
Harry sighed deeply…he'd had enough of the flirty banter, and wanted to find out one way or the other where this was heading. So he stepped forward, then stepped over and sat down on the table in between Hermione's spread legs. He then leaned forward, so that his lips were just a few inches away from hers, and asked, "You do know that you're killing me, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"I can't believe that you and I are here, talking about these things, and showing our…things…"
"Would you rather have this kind of discussion with somebody else? Ginny perhaps?"
"No! Of course not!" Harry said in exasperation. "It's just…you've never…we've never…you're my closest friend, and…"
"And nothing more?"
"Well…it's just…"
"Harry, you're going to have to get used to these kinds of situations."
"It'd be different if it were just some random fangirl fingering her damp knickers in front of me…"
"Why, Harry?"
"Because she wouldn't be you!"
Hermione chuckled, leaned forward and pursed her lips. A moment of panic struck Harry…a moment that passed when those lips landed on the bridge of his nose, rather than on his lips.
"I really am afraid that you're going to have to get used to this situation."
"Used to sitting in between your legs while you rub one off?"
"No…I mean…maybe…but…"
Flustered!Hermione took a deep breath and tried to regain control of the banter.
"Harry, no student is above the law, and it's almost a guarantee that you're going to come across good friends in compromising positions…whether it's Neville titty-fucking Susan Bones, or Parvati sucking off Terry Boot…"
"What?"
"Just hypotheticals, of course…"
"Erm, right…hypotheticals."
"So you're going to have to practice acting professionally in these situations."
"I'm sorry, Hermione…I don't think I can act professionally when you're flashing me your…and fingering your…"
Hermione grinned and reached for the charmed parchment with her off-hand.
"Need to look up the appropriate terms, Harry?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yes, I do…can't say that I'd be any cooler or professional if you were to reach inside that towel right now and begin stroking your wand."
"Wand, Hermione?"
"Erm…'Fully Erect Penis'."
And how do you know that my penis is fully erect at present time?"
"Erm…guess you're right…maybe you should scratch an itch and see if it grows any larger."
"Is that a complaint?"
"Oh, Merlin no…can't imagine how that's going to fit…"
"What?"
"Erm…well, would you look at the time! You better get dressed, Harry."
The Head Boy shook his head, and gave the Head Girl the most serious-looking face he could muster, all things considered.
"Not until I know where all of this…where all of this is going!" he declared.
Hermione eyes lit up at that question. She leaned forward once more, but aimed lower, and caught Harry's lips is a tender kiss through which she conveyed all of her feelings of love for him.
And then she reached underneath his towel, took hold of Harry's `Fully Erect Penis,' and caught it in a squeeze that conveyed all of her lust-filled feelings for him.
"Well I, for one, know exactly where this is going tonight," she declared.
Harry's eyes went wide at both the intimate contact, and Hermione's statement.
"You…you do?"
"But not until after rounds are over."
Harry's eyes rolled towards the back of his head in frustration.
"Gah…can't we just skip patrol?"
"Certainly not!" Hermione replied, punctuating her response with a squeeze. She then added, "Just think of what we'll see on patrol as foreplay."
"Foreplay?" Harry asked. "It's going to be afterplay if you don't stop `Manually stimulating my fully erect penis.!"
"Is that a complaint?"
"Erm, no…course not…"
"Good!" replied Hermione. She reluctantly let go of Harry's wand, and slipped her hand out from under his towel. Two hands then took hold of Harry's bare arms, and pulled him up to his feet.
"Get going!" she chided, turning him around by his shoulders and giving his bum a playful slap. "I laid out some clothes for you on your bed."
"Dressing me already, sweetheart?"
"Would you rather I be undressing you?"
"Oh, sweet Merlin, yes!"
An incredibly bold Head Girl responding to this declaration by reaching for the knot in Harry's towel and pulling it loose.
"There…wish granted," she announced, as she let the towel drop to the floor.
The move shocked Harry…even after they more or less declared their feelings for each other, and she had fondled him under his towel. But he was damned if he was going to let Hermione get the upper hand, so he looked over his shoulder, winked, and said, "Thanks, sweetheart," before walking off bare-arsed towards his bedroom.
He didn't bother closing the door behind him…and she didn't bother to hide her interest as she followed behind, and watched from the doorway as Harry tried to stuff his "Fully Erect Penis," into the tight-fitting jeans that she had picked out for him.
And Harry…Harry didn't bother to shield her view.
Another chime sounded, announcing the top of the hour.
Harry swore, not having had time to put on his shirt.
"Don't bother," Hermione told him. "Need to have our robes and badges on over top anyway."
The Head Boy turned and grinned. "So you're telling me that you don't need to be wearing a shirt either?"
Hermione smiled as she turned away from him and slipped her robes on over her camisole.
"No, I'm not," she replied, turning back in time to spy Harry fastening his robes.
"Well that doesn't seem very fair," Harry pouted.
With a wicked grin, Hermione reached out for Harry's hand. "Why don't you grab your Marauder's Map and let me make it up to you then."
"How will that make things fair?"
"So you're telling me that you don't want me to cherry-pick broom closets and bust all of the prettier witches?"
"No, I'm telling you that I'd rather imagine the prettiest witch in Hogwarts walking on patrol with me without a shirt on."
Hermione blushed, summoned some courage, and said, "Turn around, Harry."
"Why?"
"Because I asked you to?"
That was more than good enough of a reason for the Head Boy. His compliance was rewarded just a few minutes later when a moist pair of knickers were draped over his shoulder.
"Close enough, Harry?" Hermione asked.
The Head Boy closed his eyes, sighed, and flipped Hermione's pants onto the top of his duvet. He then turned, pulled Hermione into a tight hug, and nibbled on her ear.
"Ready to show me the ropes, Head Girl?"
Hermione giggled. "Why Harry, I didn't know that you were into that sort of thing." She then took hold of his hand, and led him out into the hallway to start their patrol.
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