The glow of Gryffindor's solid victory stretched on for days. After such an exuberant week, the next Saturday brought with it a new form of excitement. Overnight, the first snow of the year had fallen, surrounding the castle with a sea of pure white snow drifts that promised the students a weekend full of sledding, snowmen and snowball fights. Last night, Lily and James had noticed the first snowflakes falling outside the window of the library, where they were hard at work on a Defense Against the Dark Arts essay. As seventh years, they both knew that the younger students would all be outside by lunchtime. If they wanted to enjoy the pristine blankets of snow on the hills around the castle, they would have to get outside early to do it, so they made plans to venture out of doors just after breakfast.
Accordingly, both Head students arose just as early as they had the Saturday before, showered, dressed and met down
in the common room long before any of their fellow Gryffindors were awake. This was a bit of a wrench for James, who
could never be mistaken for a morning person, but as he watched Lily descend the stairs from the girls' dormitory,
looking eagerly excited and (in his humble opinion) like a thousand galleons, he decided it was worth it. After all,
the earlier their day began, the more time he would have to spend with her. He grinned at her as they walked towards
the portrait hole together.
"You're looking awfully chipper this morning."
And she was. Although, to be fair to James, Lily was more used to early rising than he was, and she was even more
excited than him about the prospect of a morning spent romping through unspoiled snow drifts. Having spent her
childhood in the city, she found the sight of field upon field of clean, white snow to be both beautiful and
irresistible.
"Thanks, I think?" she said, laughter in her eyes as she looked up at him. "I'm surprised you
managed to get yourself up early two Saturdays in a row."
"Yes, well. Now you know I can wake myself up at anytime if I have sufficient reason to," he responded, pausing beside the portrait hole to let her pass through first.
After a hearty breakfast, they made a brief detour back to Gryffindor Tower to sheathe themselves in winter cloaks,
hats, scarves and gloves. Once they were properly attired for the wintery haven outside, they set off for the Great
Hall. Soon the pair were walking out the front doors of the castle on the path to Hagrid's cabin. They had not
progressed very far from the front door when the snow on the pathway became deeper. Twenty seconds later, it was
necessary for James to magically dig a path with his wand as they blazed a trail through the freshly fallen snow. It
was impossible to see the path anymore, but Lily didn't care. Her cheeks were reddened from the cold, her eyes were
sparkling a bright and cheery green and her smile was merry as she gazed around at the winter wonderland through which
they were walking.
"It's like a faerieland," she said softly, "I'm so glad we came out early, before everyone else
has made paths through all the lovely snowdrifts."
The frozen enviornment had never really struck James as a faerieland, per se, but he could see what she meant by the
expression. He cleared a particularly stacked drift with his wand and glanced down at her, one eyebrow raised
slightly.
"I'm glad we did, too," he said, smiling genuinely. Getting up early had been a bit of a wrench, as he
had stayed up so late during the week working on homework, but now that he was outside in the winter sunshine, he
realized that Lily had a point. There was something so wholesome and crisp about untouched snow. And something equally
thrilling about mucking it up.
Thanks to James' handy snow-clearing charm, they made their way down to Hagrid's with relatively little difficulty. Once they reached the octagonal stone cabin, James stepped up to knock on the door while Lily waited behind him. There were grumbling noises inside and a brief moment later, Hagrid appeared, looking a bit disheveled.
"What's wrong with yer?" he asked after recognising James and Lily. "It can't be earlier than ten o'clock." Hagrid, clearly, had wanted a few more hours to himself before he was required to greet the world, but he was never one to refuse company, especially that of students of which he was fond. And so, he opened the door wider to allow them inside, muttering, "C'm'in, c'm'in. Can't have yer freezin' out there. Take a seat, both of yeh, and I'll put the kettle on."
As she and James stepped inside the cabin and took seats around the kitchen table, Lily felt a tiny twinge of guilt. When they had agreed last night that they would make a visit to Hagrid part of their morning's explorations, neither Lily nor James had considered that the gamekeeper might not be so keen as they to wake up early on a Saturday morning. But Hagrid did not appear to be that angry, just surprised, and so she relaxed.
A short while later, the tea kettle began to sing, and Hagrid set two steaming mugs of tea on the table, along with
a platter of his own treacle tarts.
"There we are," he said, taking a seat in his larger chair by the fire. "So, what brings the two of yeh
down here? T'see me, yeah, but on a Saturday morning?" Hagrid shook his head, chuckling as he added a liberal
splash of some amber-colored liquid from a large ceramic jug into his bucket-sized mug of tea.
James grinned.
"Wanted to make sure you didn't freeze to death last night, for one," he said facetiously. "And two,
we neither of us have been down here to see you in ages. We wanted a chance to pop in before exams start and everything
goes to hell."
"And we wanted a chance to get to the snow before everyone else did," Lily added, wrapping her hands gratefully around her mug. Despite the gloves she wore, the walk down from the castle had chilled them.
Hagrid nodded, apparently satisfied with this explanation. He set his mug down on the creaking coffee table after a
few minutes and his expression grew vastly more serious.
"Got summat ter ask you," he said gravely. "We go back a long way, don't we? I mean, I remember
dragging you-" he looked pointedly at James "-out of the Forbidden Forest before you'd been at Hogwarts
even a fortnight. So why-" he turned his attention to Lily "-havn't you told me yet the two of yer had
gotten together?"
Lily nearly spit out the swig of tea in her mouth. Together? She and James? Her eyes immediately slid sideways to his, and Lily noted that he looked just as embarassed as she was. What on earth had given Hagrid that impression? For just a moment, her brain froze as two different sensations registered. The first, and stronger, one was embarrassment and denial. Of course they weren't dating! Just because they spent time together didn't mean they were. The second sensation was very brief and almost unnoticeable; Lily certainly didn't give any further thought to it. But, nonetheless, as Hagrid voiced his question, some small part of her had been.. excited? But that was preposterous! She didn't want to date James. They were just friends. Still, she could see how Hagrid would think that, since they had arrived together, early in the morning, to visit him, something they hadn't ever done before.
Laughing nervously, she answered, "Oh no. We aren't, er, dating or anything like that. Just friends." Glancing over at James, she continued, "Who knew we would end up getting along, right? No we just wanted to get out early and have fun in the snow while there was still enough for snowballs and snowmen.."
She trailed off, realizing that it did sound like they were dating, and glanced at James again, hoping for his backup. Surely he hadn't said anything previously to Hagrid - or anyone else - to give the impression that they were together. He wouldn't do that, right? Because of course she wasn't interested in him like that. Sure, he was nice enough and fun to be around; he was certainly attractive enough but- No. They were just friends. Still, despite the certainly she apparently felt on the matter, Lily looked pretty flustered, and there was a very obvious blush on her cheeks.
James' neck suddenly felt very hot, and he was grateful for the scarf he still had hanging around him. He and Lily? Together? Though everyone and their Mum knew that this was James' most fervent wish, they certainly were not. And yet, their burgeoning friendship in the past couple of months had encouraged a suspicion that James had. Perhaps she was finally seeing sense- that he wasn't an awful, arrogant toerag all of the time. They had good conversations, and he was quite sure she had flirted with him on purpose more than once. Plus, it had been Lily last night who had suggested they spend this morning together playing in the snow. Yes, perhaps today was finally the day. He was planning on asking her out again later in the afternoon. Hagrid had unintentionally provided the perfect litmus test, and, although she had denied the gamekeeper's suspicion, she hadn't been disgusted by it either. In fact, she looked very much like she was blushing.
Feeling a delicious bubble of hope welling within him, James spoke up, willing himself not to read too much into the
endearing flush on her cheeks.
"Aw, Hagrid, you know we would have told you straight-off," he explained. "You know how the third-years
are, practicing heating charms and color-changing spells on the snow. We just wanted a chance to have at the day."
Of course, James had entirely alternate motives for the time they spent together, but he wasn't about to admit this
to either of his companions.
Although both she and James had denied the existence of a relationship, Lily had the distinct impression that the gamekeeper did not believe them. Hagrid was not a very subtle man, and he kept glancing between the two of them, which coloured the rest of their time at Hagrid's to be a little bit awkward. But, since he didn't question them further, the mood lightened, and half an hour later, Hagrid sent them off with his usual wave and smile. James and Lily tried to distract themselves with the landscape, and after a while, they were back to their usual comfortable selves. Really, it was hard not to feel at ease in James' presence. His conversation was lively and interesting, and he was adept at making her laugh. She was growing more and more intrigued to learn what went on in his head and what his opinions were on various contemporary matters. For all his outward appearance of boyish mischief, Lily was fast learning that James had a very good head on his shoulders and an equally good moral compass. Both were points she admired about him. In fact, the list of qualities she admired about him seemed to have grown quite long of late, not that Lily had yet realized this fact herself.
They walked around the frozen lake, stopping down by the shore to muse as to where the giant squid went during the solid winter freezes. Eventually, their amiable conversation faded into a long and smooth silence, and they continued on their way until they were nearly out of sight of the castle. The air was warming up, though almost imperceptibly. Their ambling footsteps continued until they reached a spot just out of sight of the castle that was unlikely to be disturbed again by younger students. James apparently had the same thought as she did, because he turned and asked, "Hey, Lily? Want to get started on that snowman?"
"Yeah, let's," she answered, pulling her wand out of her pocket. "This looks like the perfect spot, but first-" She tapped each of his mittened hands in turn and then each of her own, casting an Impervious charm on all four. "No sense getting our hands frozen and wet if we can prevent it," she said, pocketing her wand again. Then, flashing him a bright grin, she turned around and bent over, beginning to form a ball of snow that would become the base of their snowman.
Over the course of the next hour, James and Lily managed to fashion an entire little family of snow-people, consisting of a man and woman, a little roly-poly baby snowman, and what Lily insisted to be the family cat. He could only laugh as the pair of them packed and rolled the snow into the desired shapes. He enjoyed being around her so very much. Not only was he immensely attracted to her- after all, who wouldn't be?- but she had a very winsome personality and a deep-seated kindness that dictated her every move and action. James was quite convinced Lily was the best person he knew.
As she put the finishing touches on their snow-family, James scooped up a clump of snow. With the unerring skill of a seasoned Chaser, he lobbed the snowball at Lily's back, hitting without unnecessary force. As she whirled around, he immediately put on his most innocent expression. He was, of course, fooling no one, and almost immediately dropped behind the boulder to scoop up more snow. If she deigned to join him in this snowball fight, he would be prepared. Hagrid was right, it did appear as if they were dating. He couldn't help himself; he was over the moon at the prospect that if he was on his best behaviour, Lily might finally be persuaded to give him a chance. And while chucking snowballs at each other might not seem like the most positive choice when attempting to catch an unattainable girl, the facetious fight was as good a method of flirting as he had ever seen.
The snowball, as James had intended, caught Lily entirely by surprise. She had just decided to try coloring the snow
with a charm when she felt something small, wet and cold hit her in the middle of her back. Whirling around, she
regarded James with narrowed, suspicious eyes. He, in turn, smiled back at her, the very picture of innocence, but Lily
wasn't fooled.
"So that's the way it is?" she said, scooping up a handful of snow, "I'm warning you, Potter. I
don't lose easily." So saying, she lobbed the snowball as hard as she could in his direction, but James had
already ducked behind his boulder.
Undeterred, she dashed behind the boulder nearest to James' chosen stronghold and began stockpiling snowballs for the upcoming battle. Lily was aware that, in man to woman combat, she was a bit disadvantaged by her extreme lack of height and lesser arm strength, but she wasn't worried. The redhead was not above a bit of trickery if necessary, and after several rounds of throwing snowballs and missing him, it appeared that subterfuge was exactly what she needed. So, when James lobbed his next snowball, she made sure to let it hit her in the face and, a heartbeat later, she clapped her hands over her eye and sank to her knees, moaning, "Ow! Ow! That was my eye, you prat!"
Just as she'd expected he would, James hurried over to make sure that she wasn't too badly hurt. Lily waited until he was bending right over her, then she grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it up into his face. Instantly, she was on her feet, dancing out of his reach and laughing gaily, "Haha! I got you! I got you!"
He let out a surprised "Hey!" and swiped his sleeve across his cheek to clear the snow away. Immediately, he was laughing at her cleverness and the fact that he, for once, had fallen for someone else's joke. She was definitely flirting with him now. This playing back-and-forth could be interpreted as nothing else! But he wouldn't rush into things faster than he could help it. He had learned in several long years of pursuing her that she wasn't one to be caught off-guard or duped into dating him.
He watched as she leaped away from him, those maddening green eyes alight with mirth and excitement, and grinned,
running a hand through his now-snowy hair in an attempt to shake the quickly melting ice crystals from it. She was
close enough that it wouldn't be very fair sport to chuck more snow at her. He tried to catch hold of her arm, but
she was prepared and dodged out of the way. With his eyes narrowed slightly, James launched himself at Lily and tackled
her to the snowy ground. He looked down at her, both their breath coming out in little puffs that mingled together in
the chilly morning air.
"That," he said, "was not very nice." The corners of his eyes crinkled in a smile. "And
now," he continued, "it appears that I've got you."
Lily, who had taken his laughter to mean that she had won the snowball fight, was unprepared for being tackled to the ground. She landed on the snowdrift with a soft "oof!" and promptly froze in place. She was very conscious of the cold, soft snow beneath her back and James' warm, firm body atop her, pressing her into it. Part of her knew this was a very compromising and dangerous situation to be in. Particularly with James. She should push him off, hex him or demand that he move, but there was a small part of her that didn't want to. Whatever this bit of her consciousness was, Lily didn't know. She only knew that it recognized that James Potter was a very attractive young man, that it felt very good to be pinned beneath him like this. She wondered if he was going to kiss her, and, for a moment, Lily was certain that he was and she made no move to stop it. With the next moment, however, came a wave of fear that broke whatever spell she had previously been under.
James, on the other hand, was electrified. He was prepared for all the possible reactions he could think of, from her drawing her wand and hexing him (sure to be entirely unpleasant) to the boyish fantasy which involved her flinging her arms around his neck and snogging him. The act had been rash, but James was now presented with the opportunity to examine her lovely features close-up. It was enough strip him bare of the charming turn-of-phrase and charisma he usually exuded, but he didn't feel exposed or vulnerable. Rather, as he studied her green eyes, he was struck by the comfort and security he felt. The question bubbled to his lips, and he glanced down at her mouth, almost unbelievably tempted to close the gap between them and kiss her. Instead of asking her out or snogging her, and before she had the chance to get him with a good Stinging Hex, James pushed himself off of her, allowing her to sit up next to him.
Chivalry and respect had a high cost, he mused, as a half dozen scenarios of what-might-have-happened ran through his head. If only he had been a bit more brash, a little more reckless..
Lily sat up quickly, keeping her eyes fixed on the snowy ground as she struggled to re-gather her dignity. Quickly, she brushed the snow from her hair and, once she was certain that she was not blushing, she looked over at James and tossed her head haughtily, saying, "And that wasn't very fair. You have.. an unfair advantage. Seeing as you're a giant and all."
With this parting shot, she scrambled to her feet and dashed away behind her boulder to continue stockpiling her ammunition. But, hard as she tried to pretend that nothing had happened and focus on molding snowballs, Lily couldn't quite banish the memory of how his body had felt on top of hers.
Though James was seldom one to quit first or concede a victory to anyone at all, their little roll in the snow had
chilled him. Snow clung to him and dripped icily down his back. He realized he could really go for a butterbeer just
then, and happened to know of a few house-elves that would be more than happy to provide them. And so, jamming his
hands into his pockets and heading toward Lily with a broad grin on his face, he leaned against a boulder.
"I am not a giant," he said, drawing himself up to his full height. In fact, he did sort of tower over her.
His eyes twinkled. "You, however, are vertically challenged."
He was feeling very daring, having not had his balls hexed off when he tackled her. He stepped closer to her, wondering if he might be able to get that wide-eyed look back on Lily's face. Did it have something to do with his proximity? He believed so. Why else would she avoid eye contact? He felt the spark between the pair of them, and her reluctance to face him only led him to believe she had felt it, too.
Vertically challenged? She most certainly was not! He wasn't that much taller than her. Eager to prove this point, Lily stood up at the same time that James stepped forward, so the end effect was that they were, once again, too close for Lily's comfort. Her pulse skipped a beat and her eyes widened again as she looked up at him. And she certainly did have to look up. He was a full head taller than her; she imagined that, if they were standing closer, he would be able to rest his chin quite comfortably on top of her head. Wait, no! She did not want to be imagining that. She certainly did not want him to ever hold her that close! This was.. ridiculous! Desperate to somehow diffuse the unnamed tension that she felt rising between them, Lily took a step back and retorted, "I'm not vertically challenged. You're only saying that because you're sore you're about to lose a snowball fight." Why was her heart racing like that? There was no reason to be feeling like this! Her eyes narrowed the slightest bit in a frown.
Something about the way she seemed to be retreating clued James in to the fact that perhaps Lily was just as uncomfortable in the snow as he was. He looked down at her from his considerable height, lips quirking in a lopsided smirk. He noted the snowballs she was packing and cocked his head to the side. Despite the Impervious Charms they had cast on their clothing, frozen slush had found its way into his shoes and inside his jeans.
"D'you want to head in for a butterbeer?" he asked, absently fingering a patched space on the elbow of his favorite coat. He wasn't about to check his watch, for fear of giving off the impression that he wanted their time together to end any time soon. He was going to draw out this day as much as possible. But something in her air had changed from before their snowball fight. Before, she had been laughing and chatting with him. Now, however, she was deliberately avoiding contact. Had he said something wrong?
He couldn't deny that his thoughts kept going back to the feel of her body under his. He was always quick to assure anyone who asked that his fancy for Lily surpassed simple superficial or physical attraction, he was not about to deny that the girl was, for lack of a better word, simply gorgeous. He wanted to spend more and more time with her; somehow ease his way into her heart without her noticing until it was too late. She had resisted all his other methods of winning anyone over- he was beginning to grow a little concerned that they would all graduate in a little more than half a year, and he would never see her again.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Lily replied, tossing the half-formed snowball in her hands back onto the ground. "Just lead the way." At the quizzical look he shot her, she explained, "I've never visited the kitchens before."
As they trudged back up the path to the castle, Lily found that, for some reason, she couldn't stomach the silence between them. Usually they could walk in companionable silence, each one wrapped up in his own thoughts, but this time she only felt that odd sort of tension again. So, desperate to fill the silence, she asked lightly, "Are your shoes filled with slush too? My socks are soaking wet."
"Yeah," James noted as he realized his feet were almost painfully cold. "Guess I forgot about that bit. Are you warm enough, though?" She was a great deal smaller than him. And, by the look of her, had a very low level of body fat to keep her warm, despite the heavy coat and winter things she was wearing. Manners dictated that he give her his coat or something if she wasn't, and he would be all too willing to do so.
"I'm fine," she responded. "Especially once I get some butterbeer in me and dry out these shoes." As they re-entered the castle, the silence descended upon them again, and Lily tried her hardest to think of something to say.
His hand brushed against hers as they walked, and the spark she felt sent Lily into another spiral of confusion and fear. James automatically apologized, though he didn't feel the slightest bit sorry. A few more moments passed in silence. What was wrong with her? They'd been having a perfectly lovely afternoon, and now she couldn't think of a single thing to say!
The castle was still quiet, but James assumed that most were enjoying a good lie-in. The pair of them made their way toward the secret entrance to the Kitchens, and as they neared the portrait of a large bowl of fruit, James remarked; "I can't believe you've never been in here before. Best-kept secret of Hogwarts, I guess. But they'll make you any and everything you could want. Hogwarts house-elves are really helpful. They're probably the best in Britain, come to that." He reached up and tickled the pear, which giggled and the picture swung to admit them.
"After you, milady," James smiled, stepping back to let Lily go in first. He took a deep breath as she passed, thinking that if he timed things right, he just might get that elusive 'yes' today.
As she stepped through the now-open portrait hole, Lily explained, "I've never had occasion to visit. Plus, I didn't know where the entrance was." The minute they both set foot inside the huge, loud room, she was prevented from saying anything further as no less than three house elves rushed over to them and began inquiring what they could get for Sir and Miss. "Two butterbeers, please. And.. Have you got any of those scones left over from breakfast?" Lily said. With a nod and a deep bow, the house elves raced off. No sooner had Lily and James taken a seat at a table over to the side of the kitchen when their requested refreshments arrived. In the relative quiet that ensued, Lily felt the threat of uncomfortable silence looming again and, desperate to push it off, she resorted to the cliched topic of schoolwork.
"I was thinking more on our essay last night," she began, whilst uncapping her bottle and taking a long swig. "I think we might want to do a bit more research on merpeople. We hardly mentioned them, and they have a particularly interesting history, from what I remember." Lily reached for a scone from the plate between them and another thought occurred to her, so she added, "Did you know there's supposed to be merpeople in the lake? I've wished for years that I had some way to visit them and find out. Don't you think it would be fascinating? To see what it's like living under the sea?"
He smiled. "Sounds great. I don't know much about the merpeople, so it would probably be best to learn." Merpeople were perhaps the only group of creatures living in the Hogwarts grounds with whom James had not been acquainted. Precious few pranks could be pulled at the bottom of the lake.
Back on a safe topic, and one that interested her, the awkwardness she had felt was gone and her eyes were dancing again. The sea had always fascinated Lily. As a little girl, she'd adored the few times they took a family holiday to the beach, and her favorite animal had always been a dolphin. Now, when weather permitted, her favorite place to study was beneath a tree by the lake. "Maybe I could become an Animagus and turn into a dolphin at will," she mused, nibbling at her scone. "Though, I s'pose, you can't really pick your animal. Or can you? I can't remember what McGonagall told us last week."
As the conversation turned rather unexpectedly to the subject of Animagi. James faltered briefly. He usually kept his demeanor smooth when the subject came up, as the theory behind the transformation had been the focus of their Advanced Transfiguration class. He and his friends had been illegal, Unregistered Animagi for two years running. But he regained his composure rapidly, and leaned back in his chair, sipping his butterbeer.
"Well," he said carefully, "from what I understand, your Animagus form has more to do with your spirit. Kind of like your Patronus. Have you heard of Native American spirit animals? That's what those are- the native wizards just called them other things."
She finished her scone and leaned forward, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand as James explained about the concept of spirit animals.
"Hmmm, so it's like.. an animal that represents you then?" For a minute, she was silent as she tried to decide what she thought her spirit animal would be. Hopefully not something nasty like a stoat or a ferret, but not something blase and lame like a panda. Curiously, she glanced across the table at James and asked, "So what type of animal do you think I'd turn into? I picture you as..." But she trailed off. The question was harder than she had anticipated it would be. How did you sum up a person's character in animal form? He definitely wouldn't be a stoat or a panda. Most likely something athletic. And powerful. And noble too. Maybe a lion, to go with the whole Gryffindor thing?
"Well I dunno," she finished lamely, lifting her bottle to her lips and taking another swig of butterbeer. "It's rather a hard question, now that I think about it."
He looked down at his bottle and then across the table at her. He found himself wishing that he knew what she was thinking. The atmosphere of their day together had changed so drastically in the hours of the morning. He caught himself staring, and then looked back down at the platter of scones in front of him. He took one, eating it because it was there and he needed something to do.
It wasn't that James was uncomfortable discussing Animagi. He simply knew far too much about the process, the legality and the other issues surrounding the complex magic to be able to easily discuss it with Lily. It was too easy to be honest with her, and he didn't want to accidentally let something slip and ruin the good thing the Marauders had going. Nevertheless, he would be glad when the subject changed. It had been interesting for the three of them to discover what their animal forms were. James had mastered the transformation first, with Sirius only fifteen minutes behind him. Peter was last to get it, but the boys never held that over his head, as it was really rather complex and difficult magic to perform. But the sense of wonder that had accompanied it! It was incredible. Sirius mocked James' stag form as being poncey, what with the little tail he had. But, as Peter said with a scarcely suppressed smile, James did have quite a nice rack. Sirius had rolled his eyes, but then added graciously that James' form suited, as he did have the whole 'noble' thing going for him. James was unsurprised at Sirius becoming a dog. And Peter's form was so convenient! The little rat was able to slink through the whipping branches and freeze the willow tree whenever the boys wanted to sneak out of the grounds, whether for the full moon or a trip to the Shrieking Shack.
"It's tricky sutff," James agreed. "You'd really have to know a person's soul to be able to predict what they'd be. Like with Sirius-" he said, but then caught himself. "I mean, me and Sirius tried guessing who would be what of our friends a few years ago, and we came up with a whole lot of nothing." He took another swig of butterbeer, fighting the discomfort of lying to Lily. They weren't dating (yet) or anything, and he was hopelessly tied to her. Loyal to a fault, that's what Remus often said. He smiled at her again, feeling a funny twinge in his stomach as they made eye contact.
"That's true," Lily agreed. "Heck, I don't even know my own soul well enough to guess what I'd turn out to be." She took another sip of her butterbeer and reached for the last scone on the plate.
James drained the rest of his bottle, surveying Lily with barely concealed admiration. She was smiling at him, and was so good and lovely and wonderful, that he couldnt seem to help himself. He looked up at her, meeting her lovely green eyes, and the question spilled easily from his lips. He hadn't asked her in ages, and they got on so well. Maybe she had had a change of heart. At any rate, the question was out in the open in a matter of seconds.
"Lily, would you go out with me?"
She froze. Again, the image rose in her mind of she and James sprawled atop one another in the snowdrift. Her reaction then was the same one that she had now. A little part of her heart leaped at the question, but she still couldn't place why. And, again, a wave of fear gnawed at her. Why was he asking her this? Had she somehow given him the impression that she would say yes? Why did he want to go changing things when they had such a lovely friendship? Or worse, what if, after all, he'd only been friendly to her because he'd been hoping she would finally agree to date him? If Lily had been entirely rational, she would have realized that the last fear, in particular, was unfounded and that, based on this morning's fun, she would probably have a good time dating him, since they got along so well. But she was female, and therefore not entirely rational where emotions were concerned. And she was too afraid of the change she had been sensing in her own heart, of changing their relationship in general, to give James a chance.
After a few seconds that probably seemed like hours, Lily finally regained her power of speech and sputtered, "Oh.. I.." She swallowed and forced herself to look up at him again. "Now James, just because we're friends now doesn't mean I'm going to agree to date you," she said, keeping her tone and smile light in hopes that she could prevent his feelings from being hurt.
And then, just like that, James was rebuffed. She was still smiling, she was still painfully lovely to behold, and she was still resolved to never have him. James' heart sank. He had been so sure of her answer, so convinced that he finally would have a way into her heart and her life. For some maddeningly embarrassing moment, he felt a hot pricking in the corners of his eyes. He blinked, the easy smile he had worn just moments ago still in place, though now it felt rather pasted on. Even on his best behavior, when the pair of them were getting along better than they ever had, when they had spent the better part of the school term laughing and talking, she wouldn't accept. It struck him then what a lost cause he was. She kept her tone light and eyes smiling- was she laughing at him? Oh, Merlin. The shame of rejection flooded through him, and his neck suddenly felt very hot.
"Okay, then," he said, nodding and searching her expression for any indication of what had gone wrong. Had he said something? Done something? Should he have offered her his cloak, insisted she take it despite her protests? Had he come on too strongly, or rather, not charismatically enough? As he studied her exceptionally fine, achingly unattainable features, he realised with a sinking feeling that it simply didn't matter. None of it mattered. Just because.. James felt the precarious tower of cards he'd been building between the pair of them collapse. It wasn't like Exploding Snap. There was no harsh language, no invitations for him to piss off, nothing. Just a smile and a rueful glance and then nothing. He fought to keep his demeanor the same and mask the overwhelming urge to cry. He wasn't good enough for her. He needed an out. He needed to talk to Sirius, to rail about how much everything sucked and how horrible Lily was and so on.. And yet, he knew he couldn't. The fault was somehow still his. He had done everything he could think of and she still didn't want him. But she had done nothing wrong except cup his heart in her lovely hands and crush it between her palms.
Though his expression didn't change, and his words didn't falter, Lily sensed that something had gone horribly wrong. His eyes searched hers for a moment, and Lily fought to keep her expression cheerful and pleasant. But James was on his feet and on his way to the door almost before she realized it, muttering something about Quidditch practice. Bewildered, hopelessly confused, and terribly afraid that somehow everything between them was now ruined, Lily turned around in her chair and craned her head after him, but he didn't look back. Two seconds later, he was gone, leaving her alone with her muddled, racing thoughts.
He glanced down at his watch.
"Oh, damn," he said, looking back up at her. It was scarcely ten fifteen. "I've just remembered,
I've got Quidditch training in fifteen minutes. Thanks for.." he gestured wordlessly around, standing up and
pushing his chair in. "I'll see you around, I suppose. Have a good day." It was a lie, of course. There
was no Quidditch training. But he needed to run, and fast before he broke. Without a backward glance, James shoved his
hands deep in his pockets and left the kitchen, in search of some sort of comfort to distract him from the searing pain
lingering with her most gentle, and yet most devastating rejection.
Sighing heavily, she turned back around and sank against the back of her chair. As she glanced across the table at the spot where James had been seated just moments before, Lily wondered what had happened to their lovely morning. It had started out so beautifully. The whole term had been going swimmingly. And now.. she was so afraid that she had ruined it forever. James might not have said anything or done anything to indicate his reaction, but she had seen the hurt in his eyes. It had been like watching a brightly glowing candle extinguished with just the breath of her words, of her rejection. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, and yet she had. She was even afraid she had angered him. What if he thought she had been leading him on all this time? Hagrid had certainly seemed to think- so what if James had been thinking the same thing? But really, what was she supposed to have done? Refuse to be friendly with him just because she didn't want to date him? Why couldn't they just remain friends? What was so wrong with that? There were plenty of other girls at Hogwarts who would kill for a date with Gryffindor's long-standing Quidditch star. Lily just did not happen to be one of them.
She stared at the wooden table in moody silence for a few moments before rising to her feet and slowly making her way out of the kitchen. There was nothing to be done about it now. She'd given her answer, and any regret she felt was only for the fact that she'd had to hurt him. Obviously, she didn't wish she'd given the other answer. But now that her morning snow-fest had been cut short, she would have to find something else to do, so Lily made her way up to Gryffindor Tower to seek out Marlene and Mary and find something to take her mind off the growing, unpleasant feeling in the back of her mind that she had somehow mucked up everything horribly.