Unofficial Portkey Archive

The Gryffindor Common Room was still quiet and relatively devoid of students when Lily arrived. Those who had already awoken were likely down at breakfast, while the late risers were all still asleep in their beds. With slow, heavy steps, Lily climbed the stairs to the girls' dormitory and opened the door to her room as quietly as possible, so as not to disturb the other girls. None of the room's occupants appeared to be awake yet. The curtains were still closed on Emmeline Vance's bed, and none of the lamps were on. Shutting the door silently behind her, Lily tiptoed over to her bed and perched on the end of it, her eyes straying to the beds to her right. Marlene was lying on her stomach, one arm draped over the side of the bed, obviously asleep. On the other side of the still-dreaming blonde, Mary MacDonald was curled on her side in her bed. As Lily watched, the brunette rolled over, yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Immediately, Lily leaned forward and whispered hopefully, "Mary?"

The other girl looked up, her eyes still a bit unfocused, and asked, "Lily? You're awake already? What time's it?"

"Nearly eleven," Lily responded, glancing at the clock on her bedside table. "I got up early to go explore the snow with James, remember?" As she spoke his name, a tiny twinge of emotion wrung at her heart, but she managed to keep her expression blank.

Mary smiled and propped herself up on an elbow.
"Ooh, yes. How was that? How much snow did we get?"

Lily attempted, unsuccessfully, to smile back as she replied, "We got a few feet. It was.. um.." She trailed off and began to play with the folds in her comforter. "I'm not sure."

"Feet? Wow!" Mary exclaimed in a hushed whisper. Noticing the shift in her friend's tone, she sat up and regarded Lily with concern, "Oh.. what happened?"

"Well everything was going swimmingly," Lily responded. "We went to Hagrid's for tea, then we built a snow family, then we had a snowball fight, then we went in for some butterbeer to warm up." She paused again and bit her lip, unsure how to proceed.

"And then...?" Mary prompted her.

"And that was going fine. Until he asked me out again."

"Oh," was all Mary could think to respond. Privately, she did not find this to be a problem at all. In fact, as she had watched the two Head students grow closer over the course of the fall term, she had been wondering how long it would take James to ask Lily out again.
"So, what's wrong?" she asked, glancing at the bed between theirs, where Marlene was beginning to stir.

"What d'you mean 'what's wrong'?" Lily demanded, taken aback by this question. "Everything!"

"You said no, then?" Mary queried.

"Who'd she say no to?" Marlene grumbled, blinking her eyes open.

"Yes! Of course!" Lily quickly replied.

Mary shifted her gaze to Marlene and explained, "James Potter asked her out this morning, and she turned him down." Returning her attention to Lily, she said gently, "Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry. Was he being too awful and pestering, then?"

"No," Lily sighed. "That's the bad part. He- we were just having a normal conversation, and then he just.. asks me. And after I said no, everything was ruined! He ran off. Something about Quidditch practice, but I know he doesn't schedule practices this early on Saturday mornings."

"Well..," Mary began, looking uncertainly over at Marlene. "I mean.. What did you expect?"

"I thought he'd.. given up, y'know?" Lily answered, "He hasn't asked me in ages. And we'd become such good friends now."

Marlene shook her head and sat up, now sufficiently conscious to join the conversation.
"Hopeless boy. Maybe he thought that meant you were warming up to him. That he had a chance, or something. You do like him, don't you?"

"As a friend, of course," Mary clarified.

"Well yes, but as a friend," Lily replied, with particular emphasis to the last word. Then her eyes widened as a sudden realization occured, and she glanced between the other two as she asked, "I didn't- I wasn't.. leading him on or anything. I never gave him the impression that I wanted to date him, did I?" Somehow, the idea that she might have unintentionally hurt him in this way bothered her intensely.

Marlene cringed slightly.
"Well...."

Lily gulped.
"What? What'd I do?"

"Perhaps without realizing it," the blonde continued. "You do spend an awful lot of time with him, outside of patrols and things like that."

"You two get on uncommonly well when you're not competing," Mary added.

Lily's tone was defensive as she attempted to clear herself of blame, "Yeah, but we have to spend lots of time together. We have practically all our classes together. And he's really smart! Why wouldn't I work with him on essays and stuff?"

"Okay, okay. I just want to ask something," Marlene said, holding up her hands in a gesture of conciliation. "What would be the worst that could happen? I mean, everyone knows he fancies you. And he's kept it up after all this time. And, he's really calmed down a whole lot."

"I just.. I don't think of him like that," Lily answered. Even as she said the words, the image of James pinning her against the snow arose in her mind, and she bit her lip to shake off the memory.

"Who do you fancy, then?" Mary asked curiously.

"Do I have to fancy someone all the time?" Lily countered, regarding her friend with suspicion, as thought this were some sort of question intended to trick her into admitting feelings for James that she most certainly did not have.

"Of course not. Just.. Well, it seemed for a long time that maybe you did fancy Potter. Just a bit."

"That I what?!" Lily exclaimed, her traitorous brain returning once again to the memory of she and James in the snow when she had thought he was going to kiss her.
"Well I don't," she said vehemently.

"You havent stopped talking about him in weeks, dear," Marlene said gently.

"Because he's my friend! I talk about you guys all the time too." Sighing heavily, Lily slumped back against her pillows and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Just so you know, Lily, it's okay if you do fancy him," said Mary.

"And it's equally alright if you don't," Marlene added, just in case Mary's earlier comment should offend their redheaded friend. Lily's temper tended to become even shorter wherever James Potter was concerned.

"Why can't we just be friends and that's that? Why does everyone, including Hagrid, have to keep pairing us off?" Lily demanded to know.

"We're your friends, Lily. We're here to help you see things you might have missed," Mary said gently, attempting to soothe her friend's ruffled spirits. "But if you're sure James isnt for you, then that's fine. Absolutely fine! It just seems a bit contrary that you two can be this close-" She held up her crossed second and third fingers to illustrate her point "-and have absolutely nothing going on."

A day ago, Lily would have been quick to assure both of her friends that there wasn't anything going on between her and James, but in light of this morning's events, she was no longer sure she could make this claim. As she was still too afraid to voice this suspicion (and too afraid of its potential consequences), she kept silent.

"But really, Lily, we're here for you," Marlene assured her, regarding the redhead with concern. "I'm sorry he messed up your morning together."

Lily sighed again, remembering James' face after she had turned him down.
"We might not be that close anymore. He looked- after I said.. I think I really.. hurt him."

Both girls climbed out of their beds to join Lily in hers. Marlene slipped a comforting arm around Lily's shoulders and asked, "What was said exactly?"

"Well, we were talking about all the stuff we've been doing on Animagi in Transfiguration," Lily began, frowning as she tried to recall exactly how the unfortunate event had occurred. "And then he just said 'Lily, will you go out with me?' And I didn't know how to let him down easily, so I just told him that just because we're friends doesn't mean I'm going to agree to date him."

Marlene winced, able to sympathize with James' pain, but kept listening patiently.

"And then he looked.. it was like the light behind his eyes went out. All he said was 'okay then,' and then he stood up and said something about Quidditch practice and then he was gone."

"Well..," Mary began, trying to find a positive take on the situation. "Oh, dear."

Marlene patted Lily gently on the back as her heart went out to both Lily and James.
"I think.... I think the boy must more than fancy you.. Poor thing."

"I'm so sorry, Lily." Mary said. "This puts you in a bit of an awkward spot."

Awkward was an understatement. "What am I supposed to do?" Lily asked, wringing her hands and regarding both her friends in turn. This was the crux of the issue. Over the past two months, she had come to value her friendship with James, and she was terribly afraid that she had now ruined it forever. Perhaps she had been foolish to think that they could go on being friends when he so obviously fancied her, but their relationship had been going so well that she hadn't wanted it to change.

"Well, the first thing to ask yourself is: do you fancy James?" Marlene suggested, while Mary watched with a concerned expression.

"No!" Lily answered emphatically. Why did everyone keep asking her that? "But I like being his friend. I want to stay being his friend."

"That might prove to be tricky, since that doesn't seem to be enough for him," Marlene warned her. "It doesnt look as though either of you can get what you want in this scenario."

Lily's face blanched as she envisioned the rest of the year without the warmth and good humor that James' friendship brought to her life.
"So that's it? We have to stop being friends?!"

"I didnt say that," Marlene answered quickly. "Things just could get awkward, perhaps."

Mary smiled hopefully.
"You've turned him down before. I'm sure he'll bounce back."

While Lily sincerely hoped this statement was true, for some reason, she doubted it would be this time.
"Okay. Well.. Maybe I should talk to Remus about this."

"Maybe," Mary concurred. "Or just let it blow over. It might not even be worth the mention."

"Yeah..," Lily murmured more to herself than the other two. For a moment, she was lost in her own troubled thoughts, but then, unwilling to let this morning's fiasco ruin her entire day, she purposefully changed the subject.
"Well if you girls are hungry, I could use a second breakfast. My first one was hours ago."

"I'm starved!" said Mary as she hopped off the bed. "Don't worry, Lily. You two are good friends. I'm sure he'll get over it."

Marlene smiled and squeezed Lily's shoulder in a one-armed hug.
"If it's any consolation, we love you."

Managing a smile, Lily hugged her back, "Thanks." Then she sat up and slid off the bed to follow Mary out the door.

"Hold on! I need my slippers," Marlene called after them, bending to search for the aforementioned footwear underneath her bed. Scarcely ten seconds later, the slippers were located, and the three girls made their way downstairs for a late breakfast. There was a funny lurch in Lily's stomach at the thought that perhaps she might see James. What would she say? Although she spent the better part of the walk downstairs worrying about this possibility, her fears were never realized. She didn't see James in the Great Hall, nor did she see him anywhere around Gryffindor Tower the rest of the day. For that matter, neither did anyone else. All throughout the day, as Lily distractedly worked at her homework, she had a difficult time tearing her mind fully away from the morning's events. In previous years, James had asked her out dozens of times. Each time, she had been able to brush off his pestering and move on with the days' activities. But this year, he had relented. They had become friends. She had gotten help from him, and found him to be quite charming at times. But she didn't want to date him, and there was no harm in that, was there? Marlene and Mary had been of some help, but Lily couldn't help but wonder if she had somehow had a hand in the poor boy's misery.

The boys of Gryffindor dormitory 3C awoke slowly and langorously, as one is wont to do on a snowy morning when one's bed is cozy and warm. It wasn't until Remus remembered that James had an early morning date with Lily that any of the others even registered that one of their roommates was missing. Jokes were exchanged and Sirius threatened to summon his best mate on their two-way magic mirror before the lot of them laughed and decided it was high time for porridge, toast, and jam. And yet, throughout the long day, James did not turn up. The boys half expected him to show up with Lily on his arm around lunch, gloating. But James did not show up. At nine o'clock that evening, James finally did show up, though he was ink-spattered and quite bedraggled-looking. Sirius had been reclining in the Gryffindor Common Room in front of the fire, feet propped on the arm of the worn sofa in front of the fire. Boredom had claimed him some time ago, and he was rather hopeful that one of his mates might come up with some remedy for his restlessness, as he wasn't about to do any homework. Both Remus and Peter had refused to play chess with him, and so he had resigned himself to merely sitting still. The sound of the portrait hole swinging open caught his attention, and he looked up as his best friend trooped through the room.

'Lo, Prongs," he called, sitting up. He took in James' smudged face and quirked a brow. "Did an enchanted ink pot attack you or something?"

James merely grunted in reply, and headed upstairs to the boys' dormitory where he promptly flopped onto his bed, dropping his school bag heavily on the floor. Moments later, Peter, Remus and Sirius entered the room.

"Hey," said Peter. "Where have you been all day? We looked for you at lunchtime, but we didn't see you."

James stretched out his cramped hand.
"I have just written more words in this one day than in my entire career," he grumbled.

"So that's where you were? The Library?" Peter asked, then turned to mutter to Remus. "We never even thought to look there."

A small twinge of guilt broke through the weight of depression hanging over James' head as he heard that his friends had been searching for him.
"Were you looking for me?" he asked, propping himself up on an elbow. "Did you lose the map or something?"

"Oh! Well we er..," Peter stammered, blushing and glancing at Sirius for assistance. "We just thought-"

Rolling his eyes at Peter's modesty, Sirius interrupted, "We didn't want to look too carefully unless you and Red were enjoying yourselves a bit too much." As he spoke, he winked meaningfully at James.

To all three boys' surprise, James' response to this teasing was to grunt and flop back down on his bed. When James had mentioned his and Lily's plans for this morning, the boys had all been expecting things to go very well for their friend. After a few moments' pause, Remus inquired, "Did something happen, James?"

"I warned you you can't expect her to snog you on the first date," Sirius said, shaking his head at what must certainly have been an amateur move.

Ignoring Sirius' comment, James said flatly, "She said 'no.' Only this time I think it means for good."

His best mate's expression morphed from teasing to serious in an unbelievably short amount of time.
"Oh," was all Sirius could think to say.

"Yeah," James responded quietly, staring blankly up at the ceiling again.

Remus was the first to break the very thick silence that followed. "Well... What happened, mate?"

Rolling to his stomach, James propped himself up and began with a sigh. "Well, I told you lot we were going out this morning to have a lark in the snow, right? Well, we did. And it was all going perfectly. Went down to see Hagrid, had a snowball fight- she was definitelyflirting with me- and then we came inside for a drink and to warm up." He wet his lips, stalling for time, as this part of the story was one he was not exactly thrilled to recount. "And then, we were talking and everything was fine, and I asked her. And she turned me down, just like that."

"Hang on-" Sirius said immediately. "She was flirting with you? And she still won't admit-?" He broke off, shaking his head. "Women," he grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"I know,"" James agreed. "I bloody well know."

"What did she say, exactly?" Remus asked. He was certain that things between James and Lily had been progressing quite nicely. Perhaps all this could be chalked up to a misunderstanding, and James had misinterpreted whatever Lily had said.

James cast his eyes over at Remus, who had climbed on to the foot of his own bed and was sitting cross-legged and concerned. "She turns to me after I ask her and gets this pitying expression on her face and says-" he broke into a falsetto imitation of Lily's voice "-Oh, James, just cos we're friends doesn't mean I'm going to ever date you."

Though James had often grown frustrated at his numerous and failed attempts to get Lily to go out with him, he had seldom if ever resorted to mocking the girl. His mates exchanged a look at his gibe, but Peter spoke first.

"Have you ever thought that maybe you could give up on her?"

"Well, yeah," James admitted.

"You are on a bit of a sinking ship, there, Prongs," Sirius observed quietly.

James groaned and dropped his head down to the quilted coverlet. "You should have heard her, though!" he exclaimed, muffling the sound of his voice in the blankets. He looked up at his friends glumly. "It was like I was some little third year with a crush. She totally just shook me off like I didn't even say anything, like I haven't been trying my damndest for months to be what she wanted."

"I'm quite sure she didn't mean to belittle you," defended Remus. "I don't think Lily would be intentionally cruel to anyone."

"It's just..." James said, trailing off as he searched for the words. "It's hard to cut off and say no, I wont have feelings for you anymore."

A long silence followed this pronouncement. None of the other boys had ever so wholly pursued someone.

"So," Sirius ventured. "What are you going to do?"

James shrugged.
"Give up, I guess. What else can I do? I can literally think of nothing else to try."

"But she's said no hundreds of times before!" Peter protested.

"There was something different this time," James explained, "It was like.. things were going so well, so I asked her, and then the way she turned me down, it was almost like she pitied me."

Sirius sighed.
"That blows, mate. I really thought she was warming up to you."

James' only response was a muttered, "Yeah," accompanied by an unintelligible swear word, then silence fell once again upon the dormitory room.

Sirius leaned against one of James' bedposts, apparently deep in thought. When he spoke up again a few moments later, his voice was quiet and serious.
"Maybe you should move on," he began, then paused again as he struggled with his desire to bolster his friend's spirits and his desire not to come off like a total ponce. "I mean.. you're a great bloke. If she can't see that, then it's her loss."

"Cheers, Sirius," said James, managing to muster a smile for possibly the first time that day since he'd left Lily in the kitchens. Everything had gone to hell, he was sure of it. Awkwardness would not be an unwelcome but unrelenting presence in all of their interactions. Should he try to move on? He could not simply transplant his affections onto some other girl when he had spent so much of his time pursuing Lily. He had been so sure she would someday see him in a better light. So sure, and yet so awfully misguided.

"No really," Sirius continued, bringing James back to reality, "You deserve to be with a girl who.. who appreciates that." And then, having apparently exhausted his store of sappiness, he lapsed into silence again.

Despite the somber mood in the room, Remus couldn't help smirking, "That was almost touching, Sirius."

Although this comment earned him a half-hearted glare from Sirius, it did nothing to distract James.
"All I can think of is how awkward patrols are going to be now," he said, his face buried in his pillow once more.

"Ohhhh, I suppose I could switch slots with you," Remus said, grimacing.

James looked up.
"I am so, so, so tempted to take you up on that. When she turned me down, I just sort of panicked and bolted. I don't know what I'll say to her when I see her again..."

Remus smiled gently as he responded, "That's understandable. Are you sure switching is what you want, though?"

With a heavy sigh, James dropped his head onto his blankets again and answered, "No."

Ever the sensible one, Remus continued, "Might be a bit hard to cut her out completely, considering you both have Head duties to complete together all year."

James' only response was a groan. Sirius frowned and said, "Ew. That is like some sick form of torture. Maybe Dumbledore could switch out you and Prongs for Head Boy."

"Yes, I'm sure James can't wait to visit the Headmaster and explain the reason for that request," Remus answered dryly, while James lifted his head to fix Sirius with a withering glare.

"Just thinking aloud here! Merlin!" the black-haired lad exclaimed. Looking down at James, he continued, "Well I personally think you need to get over Evans. Meaning you ought to start actually looking at other girls. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that."

"I just thought I had a chance..," James began, then shook his head and changed the topic, both unwilling and unable to discuss Lily Evans any further today.
"So what'd you blokes do? Today, I mean."

Sirius accepted the change of topic with a shrug.
"Eh. Homework mostly. Had a snowball fight this afternoon. How come we didn't see you at dinner?"

"Honestly, I didn't even realize how late it was until about twenty minutes ago," James explained.

The other three boys were silent again, realizing what a momentous thing it was for him to have forgotten about something as important as dinner. Before the mood could slip again, Remus looked between the foursome and asked, "You know what this calls for?"

Sirius, who had been thinking along the same lines, immediately straightened and responded, "A trip to the kitchens? Excellent! I could use a late night snack."

Though he would honestly have preferred to lay still and mope, James recognized the wisdom of putting a bit of food into his system. Peter was already out the door, with Remus and Sirius close behind, so he sat up and slid to his feet beside his four-poster. Once he'd shuffled his feet into his shoes, he followed them downstairs and out the portrait hole. When they reached the kitchens not ten minutes later, he allowed himself to be distracted from his heartache by the considerable comforts of good friends and scrumptious food. And though he put forth a good effort, his laughter was hollow, and his jokes lacked the zing that was so characteristic of James.

Remus watched his friend carefully throughout the evening. He, as a Prefect, had the particular and rather precarious position of being one of James' best mates, as well as one of Lily's most established co-workers. He had been so sure that the pair of them were going to end up together. And now, he felt a strange wrenching. He knew he ought to be loyal to James, but he could not in good conscience vilify Lily. Even though she had rejected James, she must have had a reason. Really, it was all a muddled mess, with loads of feelings tangled in.

And so the next morning, once the lads had enjoyed a leisurely breakfast together and James and Sirius had fled to the Quidditch Pitch for a morning of therapeutic flying, Remus returned to the common room in search of Lily. Simply for his own sake, he needed to talk to her and hear her side of the story, even if he never shared this information with James. He found her in her usual window seat, a stack of textbooks beside her and a scroll of parchment in her lap. Smiling, he approached the window and moved the stack of books to the floor so that he had room to sit facing her on the other end of the window seat.

Lily looked up as her stack of books relocated itself to the floor and smiled once she recognized her sandy-haired friend, though the smile was tinged with guilt. Seeing Remus made her think of her last disastrous conversation with James. If she did not miss her guess, that was the reason he was here to talk to her.
"Hi Remus," she said. "How're you?"

"Fine, fine," he replied. "And yourself?"

She shrugged in response, and after a few moments of tense silence between the two, Remus decided to be frank.
"Look, Lily. I'm sure you've already guessed what I wanted to talk to you about. I- I wanted to hear, from you, what happened yesterday morning."

"Oh.. yes. I figured," Lily began. She stared fixedly at her hands for a minute, then peeped timidly up at him to ask, "Is James.. very upset about it? I didn't want to hurt him, I just.."

"He's.. hurt, yes. But I don't think you could have expected him to feel otherwise," Remus answered.

Lily's face fell.
"I know. I didn't want it to be like this," she said earnestly. "I'm sure I could have- could have let him down more easily or something, but I wasn't expecting it, so.. I wasn't prepared."

Remus sighed. As he'd suspected, none of yesterday's fiasco had occurred as a result of some intentional cruelty on Lily's part. He was beginning to think that the redhead simply did not understand the depth of James' feelings for her. Perhaps she never had. He would have to choose his words carefully, in order to offer Lily solid advice on repairing her and James' relationship without betraying his best friend's confidence. While Sirius and Peter were now of the opinion that James should immediately move on and get over his fancy for his co-Head, Remus was not yet able to agree. He still privately felt that James and Lily would make a good match. They were two of his most trusted and respected friends, and they really did seem to get along well nowadays. He wished he could get her to see that, for both their sakes, but he doubted the wisdom of trying to convince the very stubborn Lily Evans to give James a chance.
"You haven't caused irreparable damage to his psyche, if that's what you're worried about," he said wryly. Then his expression softened as he asked, "But, Lily, are you sure you don't want to er.. reconsider?"

A faint frown flickered across her face, and she raised her eyes in an expression of exasperation as she demanded, "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"Well-" Remus began, as he had a very good explanation for this phenomenon that so exasperated Lily, but she cut him off.

"Of course I like him. We're friends. But that doesn't mean I like like him. Why can't we just be friends? Why does everyone want to change that?"

Realizing that he had overstepped some sort of boundary, Remus began to backpedal quickly.
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Lily. I just- I sort of had to ask, for James' sake. There's nothing wrong with you two being friends, and I think he will eventually be able to accept that. Just, for now, you might have to-" He paused, unsure how much of James' current emotional state he ought to reveal.
"Just tread carefully," he finally concluded. "I'm not sure you realize how much he cares."

Lily sighed again, releasing the tension that his earlier question had caused, and responded, "I will. But.. what do I do? We- I mean James and I- can still be friends, right? He doesn't.. hate me or anything now, does he?"

Remus had to suppress a laugh at the last question.
"I don't think he could ever hate you, Lily. But perhaps it would be best for you give him some space. Let him adjust to the way things have to be."

"Okay. I can do that," she said, clearly relieved to have his input.

"These things have a way of working themselves out," he said, smiling encouragingly at her. "You'll see."

"Yeah..," she answered vaguely, momentarily lost in thought. Then she returned Remus' smile and added, "Thanks, Remus. I was kind of worried that I'd er.. ruined it all."

"Nah. Just give him some time," he answered. "Any way, you look like you've got plenty to do, and I ought to be finishing up my own school work, so I'll let you get back to your books."

"Unfortunately, I do," Lily agreed. "Thanks again. I'll see you around."

As Remus slid off the window seat, she leaned over to retrieve her stack of books and resumed her studies with a renewed ability to concentrate. Remus' comforting conversation had left her with a much lighter weight on her mind. Remus and James were best friends. If he said James would be all right, then surely he would be. They could go back to their easy, enjoyable friendship and everything would be fine. Still, as she lifted her quill to her parchment to begin her essay, Lily could not push that one last, nagging doubt from her mind. She'd never seen James look so utterly dejected as he had the moment after she'd turned him down. Could things really go back to the way they'd been before? After three long minutes of mulling the question over in her mind, Lily sighed and resigned herself to the knowledge that only time would tell.