Disclaimer: Oh how I wish I was brilliant enough to have come up with Harry
Potter. I didn't though - it belongs to the insanely talented J.K. Rowling and her
Publishers. This is being written merely for love of the characters.
Part 1: HER
Its funny, the clarity that comes with knowing you're about to die. You can look back on your life and see, in an instant, all the things you should have done differently. Paths not taken, roads not traveled, decisions bungled, all of it. A strange peace fills me even now, amidst a lingering pain and sense of self-satisfaction. My life seems so clear to me now, at the end.
I have lived a full life; I know it. I may be young, but in my seventeen years I have lived a lifetime. I've known joy, sadness, pain, and passion. There are few witches or wizards who could claim to have accomplished what I have. How many have stood at the side of the Boy Who Lived and faced the Dark Lord time after time? How many would have been able to help in the fight against Voldemort as I have? How many have had the amazing friends I have, and seen the wondrous sights I have?
The crowning achievement of my life would have been two days from now, when I graduated at the top of my class at Hogwarts and received a full scholarship to the most prestigious college for the study of magic in all of England. It won't happen now, of course, as I won't be around. I am, after all, a very smart witch, and I know how serious my injuries are.
If you were to ask most people at the end of their lives what regrets they had, I imagine you'd get a long list of things that they would have liked to do differently. Not so for me. There are few things in my life I would change, except for one. It is my only real regret - ah, but what a regret it is! You see, I never told my best friend that I love him. No, I don't mean a platonic love. I mean a soul-destroying, can't stand being apart from you, and want to share the rest of my life with you kind of love. He'll never know now, and my regret for that is hard to put into words. I am sure there are those that would find that funny, Hermione Granger not being able to articulate a feeling. It is true though - my unspoken love for Harry Potter is something I find difficult to properly express.
I think I knew for sure how I felt during our third year, when we were riding on the back of a hippogriff together, desperate to save Harry's godfather. I had always felt comfortable with Harry; always enjoyed his company. While we were flying through the air, the wind cold on my face and my heart hammering in my chest, I felt it. It struck home in me with so much force I gasped. There was a rightness to it all that I couldn't ignore. I belonged with him, and he with me. I had been by his side since the beginning, and together we had overcome the worst that life had thrown at us. The realization that rushed through me in that one moment was clear - I loved him. And I've lived secretly with that love in my heart for more than two years.
Harry is one of those special people that is so full of life he influences all those around him. You can't help but get caught up in his enthusiasm and passion for living. It makes sense, really - most of his life growing up he was not allowed to live. When he finally made it to Hogwarts and was able to experience life, he grabbed it with both hands. That kind of joy for life is contagious. You want to know it. You want to know him.
There is an innocence about him. He's been through so much, and yet he can still look at life and smile. There has been so much pain in his life, and yet he still shares the best parts of himself with everyone he cares for. He doesn't care that he could be hurt by someone. I've never met anyone so emotionally honest in my life. Harry doesn't try to put his best foot forward, doesn't try to impress anyone. He's just…..Harry. And I love him for it.
It's getting quite cold. I imagine that means my time is getting short. I can hear sounds around me; someone is getting close to where I am lying. Is it him? I hope not. I'd hate for him to have to see me before I am gone - I would spare him that pain if I could. There has been too much pain for him already. If only there had been some other way to save him! I don't regret my decision. He is too important to too many people. I had to save him. He'll hate me a little for it, I know. That's ok. I smile as I imagine happier times with him, seeing that famous smile. And those eyes…..I always loved his eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and if he is any indication it's true. When I look into those eyes I see the most beautiful person. And I never told him. I'm such a coward.
There have been many times I almost told him. There was the end of fourth year, after Cedric was killed, at the platform. I've never seen him so lost. I wanted to take him in my arms and make all the pain go away. I kissed him that day, on the cheek. How he didn't see in my eyes that I loved him then I'll never know. He is a man I suppose, and men never see what's right in front of their faces when it comes to women. It would be endearing if it weren't so damn frustrating. Listen to me - my thoughts are a mess.
We would have been so good together. There had been Cho, but she wasn't for him and thankfully he realized it. Who knows him better than I? I know when he is hurting. When he needs someone to talk to, I am there. When I need someone, he somehow knows and comes to me without being asked. Maybe I should be scared at the connection that has grown between us, but I'm not. When I am with him, the rest of the world goes away, and it is just us. Why didn't I ever say anything? What we have is special. What we have happens once in a lifetime, if at all. It could have been so much more. And I wasted it.
Oh God, he's here. I can't see him, but I know it's him. I'd know him anywhere, just from his scent. He's crying. I can feel his tears on my face. He must be holding me, but I can't feel it. Why did he have to get to me so soon? I don't want him to see me die. At least he is here, which means I succeeded. He is still alive. Thank God.
Maybe I will tell him now. Would that make things harder? I don't think I can keep it from him any longer. Can I even make my lips move, my mouth work? I barely feel anything. Yes, I will tell him. I have to say it once, and he has to hear it. I won't leave without telling him. He needs to know.
"I love you, Harry Potter" I whisper. It feels good saying it. I can't see his reaction, but that's ok. He knows. I know he knows. In the growing light, I smile. I love you, Harry. I always will.
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Author's Note: This is a bit of an experiment. I wrote it over the span of two hours in one sitting, and won't have it beta read.
Coming next: Part 2 - HIM