'If I should lose you
The stars would fall from the skies
If I should lose you
The leaves would wither and die
The birds in May time
Would sing a lonely refrain
And I would wander around
Hating the sound of rain
With you beside me
No wind in winter would blow
With you beside me
A rose would bloom in the snow
I gave you my love
But I was living a dream
And living would seem in vain
If I lost you'
-Nina Simone
Part 2 - HIM
I've heard people say that there are a few select moments in your life when everything makes sense - when all the fractured, myriad pieces come together to form an understandable whole. Time seems to slow down. Everything comes into sharp focus. Almost anything is possible. I know now that it's all true.
My mind is still reeling from everything I've seen in the past hour. It is hard to make sense of it all; I don't even think I can try yet. The only thing that I can seem to focus on is the body I am standing over. Her body. I can see her chest rise and fall, but her breathing is so weak. So weak! This can't be happening. It isn't meant to be this way. I've won. The victory is supposed to be ours; all of ours! The fabulous trio, able to take on the world! God knows in the past, with Ron and Hermione at my side, I have felt like I was able to do anything. So why is she here dying when I have succeeded?
There are sounds all around me, but they seem distant. Somewhere nearby, I know the Order is mopping up what remains of the Dark Lord's followers. Tom Riddle's body, or what remains of it, is back where I left it. He won't be coming back from where I have sent him this time. I am still amazed at the rage that had welled up within me when he hit her with the spell. The spell that had been meant for me. The spell that she had stepped in front of. She had done it to give me time to finish him. She sacrificed herself for me. Why did she do that? Oh God, Hermione. Why?
She is as light as a feather in my arms. There's so much blood! It is all over my robes now, but I don't care. The only thing that matters now is to make her comfortable and stop the bleeding. There are excellent healers in the Order, and if I can keep her alive a little longer she will be ok. If I keep telling myself that maybe I will believe it.
Her lips move, and I am stunned. I can't believe she's still conscious. She is straining to say something, and I can tell the effort is costing her. I lean my head down to listen. If she is trying this hard, it must be important. I feel the slight air of her breath as she whispers five words. And with those five words, my world shatters.
Cradling her in my arms, I weep. I've never cried in her presence before - I imagine she would be surprised to see it. Together we have faced some of the worst things the world can throw at you, and not once have I shed a tear. One of those moments is upon me. Everything is so clear. I've been a fool. She loves me. She loves me too.
I'm not sure when I knew for certain that I loved Hermione Granger. I bet if you asked any woman when they knew about their man, they could tell you. Women notice those things. Sometimes I am amazed at how much more they see about certain things than men. For me, there was no lightning bolt. For me, it came in stages.
The first time I really thought about it was when Ron and I were in the hospital wing together with her during second year. Seeing her lying on that bed petrified was worse than being locked in the cupboard. I missed her. It wasn't like missing a friend I hadn't seen in a while. It was more like feeling part of me was gone.
After that I was a little scared. Growing up, the only strong emotions I felt were all negative. I wasn't used to caring for anyone so much. For awhile I fooled myself into thinking that is all my feelings were - the caring of a friend for a friend. Then the end of third year came.
Riding that Hippogriff, I felt it again. I was supposed to be there with her. It was right. Things happened so quickly that night, I never really had a chance to dwell on how I felt. Another of those moments……and one I didn't see for what it was. I think the final step, however, came in our fourth year.
When I saw her on the arm of Victor Krum, I discovered a new feeling - jealousy. I couldn't fool myself after that. I wanted her with me, but I knew that it was too late. I'd lost my chance. The food that night tasted like ashes. I loved Hermione, and she'd never know. There was Victor. After that night, I was pretty sure Ron had feelings for her as well. I stayed silent. Why do we see these things when it is too late?
For over two years now, I have been the best actor in the world. I've pretended she is still only a very good friend. Anyone who knows how intelligent Hermione is can tell you that is no small accomplishment. It is incredible that she hasn't seen right through me. There have been moments when I thought for sure she had. All the times when my eyes lingered a bit too long or my hands held on a bit too tightly. How I've tortured myself. How long has she felt the same way?
Being around her makes me happy. She knows me, and I know her. Sometimes Ron jokes that we talk more with our eyes than with our mouths, and it is true. Little things really - I'll pass her the salt before she asks, or she will quietly hug me after a particularly grueling potions test. Being near her makes me feel alive. It's so easy to feel love. If only it were as easy to tell the person you love how you feel.
I can feel her trembling in my arms. She's so cold. My arms hold her tightly, and my tears fall softly on her face. I trace the path of her cheek with my finger. So beautiful. She could have been mine. Please open your eyes. I want to look into those eyes I love so much. Please hear me. I want to tell you how you're everything I never knew I wanted. You can't leave me. Not now. Life can't be this cruel. You have to know how I feel.
She doesn't have much time left. Help isn't coming. Can you actually feel it when your heart breaks? Something inside me is dying, as surely as the woman I love is dying in my arms. It can't happen. It won't. I won't let it. She's been there for me for all of my life that has been worth living. She's been my anchor, my conscience, my emotional compass. She's given me all of herself. It is time I did the same for her. She will not die.
I'm not sure what I'm doing. My wand is in my hand, and I am holding it over her. I know little of healing, but I must do this. It can't end this way. One of those moments is here. Everything is clear. Performing magic is like reaching down deep inside and tapping a piece of your own spirit. This time I need to reach deeper. Its there, a brightly burning flame too long suppressed inside me. It is where she lives inside me. I surrender to it, and let it claim me for its own.
Live.
I'm nothing without you.
I love you.
Live.
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Author's Note: Coming next: Reaching For the Light