Author's Note: Thanks to all the wonderful reviewers that have taken the time to give me feedback on this story. A particular thanks to Gil - your review made my day, and convinced me that maybe some people ARE enjoying my work.
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'He needs me
He doesn't know it, but he needs me
So no matter where he goes
He knows that I'm here
My one ambition is
To wake him and make him discover
That he needs me
I've got to follow where he leads me
Or else he'll never know that I need him
Just as he needs me'
-Nina Simone
Part 4: Those Three Words I Never Said
Everything has gone horribly wrong. As I sit here by his bedside, all I can think is that is should be me lying there. It should be me! How did he heal me? Why did he heal me? This isn't right! Why won't he wake up?!
The doctors have told me that his physical injuries are completely healed - and that there is no lasting damage. Miraculous, I heard one of them say when he thought I wasn't close enough to hear him. He should have died. No, *I* should have died. It had taken me a week to recover from my own injuries. I had been released with instructions to go home and get plenty of rest.
Instead I sit here, as I have for the past four days, listening to the sound of the devices keeping him alive. His body is fine. It's his mind that isn't. The finest magical doctors have tried to bring him back from….wherever his mind has gone. And they can't. They say he received an enormous mental shock when he took my injuries into himself. It is why what he did is not normally done. It's far too risky. But he had done it. He had done it for me.
Each night is getting worse. I wonder if I am losing my mind. I've hardly slept; hardly ate. My parents are worried about me. Ron is worried about me. None of them understand. How could they? The nurses tried to chase me out after visiting hours were over the first two nights, but they know better now. When he wakes up, I will be here. Please wake up Harry. I know you heard my whispered words when I thought I was going to die. How did you feel when you heard about my feelings for you? Were you happy? Shocked? I don't know, and it is tearing me apart inside. You have to wake up. I have to know. Don't leave me alone. Not now.
My hand caresses his face. How many times have I wanted to do just this to him? Touch him. Hold him. Kiss him. Look into his eyes and let him see how I feel; let my love envelop us both. I wonder if he can hear me when I talk to him. The sound of my own voice is all that has kept me sane I think. I've spoken about practically everything - small talk mostly. I am too scared to talk about what I want to talk about with him. I, a Gryffindor, too scared to talk to an unconscious man about my love for him. The sorting hat must have made a mistake. It should have been Ravenclaw for me. An involuntary snort of laughter escapes my lips, and I start to wonder how far away I am from a breakdown.
It is quiet in his room. I'm not sure how late it is; it must be after one in the morning. The silence is broken only by the sound of his heart monitor. He looks so fragile lying motionless in the bed. All my memories of him run together in my head, and love -horrible, hopeless love, floods my veins until I can hardly breathe. From somewhere I didn't even know existed, resolve stops the tears before they come. No more small talk. The time for that is past.
My hand reaches out and takes his. He can't see me, but I pray he can feel me. I pray with all that I am that he can hear me. He has to hear me.
"I wasn't ready for you. Everything in my life made sense. I may have been alone, but I knew who and what I was. Smart. Ambitious. A loner. I didn't care that all the other children disliked me; were jealous of me. I didn't let myself care. All that mattered was learning. Absorb everything I could, that was my one passion - before I knew what passion really was! My little world was so in order. Everything was in its place. I wasn't happy, not really. But I thought I could live that way."
"Then you ruined everything. From the very beginning you intrigued me. For the first time, I wanted someone to know me - to take the time and get to see the girl behind the mind. It scared me. I'd been hurt before when I tried to open up to other people. With you, I didn't care. Around you, I didn't feel alone; I didn't feel different. I wanted a friend. Then you saved me from the troll. I think I may have starting loving you, just a little, even then."
"Sharing my life with you the past seven years, I have learned what it means to be alive. Life is more than books, and cleverness. You showed me how to love life. For that alone, I owe you more than I can ever repay. But you have shared more than that with me - you've shared you. Never asking anything in return, you have been there for me when I thought no one cared. You've given me the best of yourself, and you haven't been afraid to let me see the worst. That was terrible of you, you know that don't you? I couldn't help what happened. I didn't want to stop it. It is a funny feeling for someone like me, when your emotions tell your intellect to shove it."
"I love you. Somehow the words don't seem to be enough. I wish…..I wish you could feel what is in my heart. What you have caused to live inside me. Please come back to me. Oh God, if you come back I swear I will tell you everything. Come back Harry. Come back……"
I can't keep the tears in anymore. You always hear how amazing love is. Why doesn't anyone ever tell you it can hurt so much? I'm so tired. I lay my head down on his chest. I can hear his heart beating. His heart. Harry's heart. Closing my eyes, I sigh. I welcome the oblivion of sleep.
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I am alone.
After being alone for so long, you'd think I would be used to the feeling. I'm not sure when it changed; when tolerance became hate, when acceptance became despair. I only know now that I don't want to be alone anymore. Once you've experienced friendships like mine, shared a life with amazing people like I have for the past seven years, you don't want to return to solitude. Yet here I am, alone in this place.
I remember touching her hand, and blinding light. Since then, I have been alone in this prison without walls. Alone with my memories. The best have been sweet torture. The worst have made nightmares seem pleasant. Everything seems…..clearer here. I feel like I'm stuck - I can't leave, can't move forward, and yet I can't move back either. The solitude is maddening.
Thoughts of her are all that have kept me sane. I've replayed how she looked at the Yule Ball a hundred times in my head. I've been forced to see her lying lifeless in the ministry a hundred times. Her smile has soothed me to sleep night after night as the silver sea grows dark, and the memory of her petrified body has made me scream myself awake every morning. Hermione. I miss her. She's become so much a part of my life that with her gone there is no joy. My being here now is the price I paid to save her life I imagine. I smile. It was more than a fair trade.
Something is different this morning. I feel like someone is here with me, but I see no one. Suddenly, three figures fade into view. Three people that I know all too well. So, it is going to be one of those mornings. Before me, Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Dudley sit gathered around a Christmas tree. A small child, the boy I was, watches forlornly from his cupboard as presents are opened and laughter shared.
I try and remain detached as I watch the events of ten years ago replayed before my eyes. This is what life was. This is what life will be again. Loneliness. Exclusion.
Love doesn't last, a voice whispers in my head. It only leads to pain. The people that love you hurt you. Learn from this. Remember what this feels like. It is all that awaits you, in the end.
That doesn't seem right. There is more, I know it. I have felt it, when I held her hand. There have been times I've looked into her eyes and seen my future. Love isn't about fear and pain - for me, it has been….completion.
A smile makes it way across my face as I recall one of my favorite memories. It is a chilly December morning in our sixth year. I am sipping hot chocolate in the common room with her, and we are snuggled together on one of the sofas for warmth. We aren't talking. A wonderful peace settles over me as she leans her head against my shoulder. All the troubles of my life seem inconsequential. It's just her and I, and I want the moment to last forever. I am….whole.
Come back, Harry.
Slender arms enfold me from behind. Warmth spreads through me. I am not alone. Somehow she is with me, even here. Her voice echoes in the stillness.
Come back to me, and I promise you'll never feel alone again.
Love may hurt, but not daring to love is death. I have learned to value life. I will not spend one more second wasting mine. I will tell her what I should have told her long ago. Placing my hands over hers, I close my eyes.
I choose to live.
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Harry Potter opened his eyes.
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Coming next: Tremble