Author's note: I hope everyone had a nice Christmas! Sorry about the cliffhanger last time. I can promise you that this chapter will not end with a cliffhanger. I know you're wondering who are you and what have you done with Amynoelle---the resident Cliffhanger queen. Well, I'm trying not to be so predictable. Don't worry…I'm sure I have a good cliffie left in me somewhere. Enjoy!
Chapter Nineteen
Just to Hear You Say That You Love Me
"I'd climb right up to the sky
I'd take down the stars
Just to be in your arms, baby
I'd go and capture the moon
That's what I would do
Just to hear you say that you love me"
("Just to Hear You Say That You Love Me" Faith Hill featuring Tim McGraw)
"What is it?" she asked again. "Come on, tell me."
"Well," Harry began, taking her hands in his and looking into her brown eyes. "There could be a way for you to get all of your memories back, Hermione."
Her eyes lit up in surprise and excitement as she took in what he had just said.
"Really?" she asked. "Well, what is it? What do we have to do?"
"Well, Professor Snape has been working, for the past few years, on a potion that could reverse the effects of the spell that was cast on you four years ago," Harry said slowly.
She looked excitedly at Professor Snape and at Sirius and then her attention focused back on Harry. If this was such good news, why were none of the men in the room smiling back at her? She couldn't help but wonder. Her own smile faded as she saw the grave, somber expressions on their faces.
"Okay," she said, looking Harry straight in the eyes. "What aren't you telling me, then?"
"Um," Harry said nervously.
"Harry, please," she said. "What aren't you telling me about this? I mean, this is what we've both wanted---for me to remember everything, right? You say that there's a way for me to do that, but instead of looking happy, you look like you've just lost your best friend. Why? I mean, isn't that what you want-for me to remember?"
"Of course," he said, looking at her. "I want that more than anything."
"But?" she asked.
"But, there's something about this potion that you need to know before you make a decision as to whether or not you want to take it," Harry said. "Now, I told you how Professor Snape has been working on this for a long time. Well, he's only tested it on lab rats and spiders. It's never been tested on a human being before."
Hermione's face fell. The room was deathly silent for a few moments as she processed what Harry had just said. She looked over at Snape.
"So, you don't really know what could happen to me, then?" she asked him softly.
"Well, there are two possible outcomes," Snape said. Harry noticed that his voice, which usually sounded cold and impersonal, had taken on a softer, almost sympathetic tone. "In the best possible outcome, you would take the potion and awaken with all your memories in tact."
"And the other?" Hermione asked.
"The other would be that you take the potion and it could compromise your mental health," Snape said. "For all intents and purposes, you'd be in a catatonic-like state and when you awoke, you'd be wiped out of all your memories both current and past."
"Oh my Lord," Hermione whispered. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "It never ends, does it? Any ray of light that comes my way always seems to be taken away by some dark cloud."
Harry looked at Hermione and then at Sirius and Snape. "Could you two please give us a moment?"
"Sure," Sirius said. "We'll just be right outside."
Harry and Hermione watched as the two men left the room and closed the door behind them. Harry took Hermione's hand again and lightly stroked it.
"You don't have to take this, Hermione," Harry said. "I just wanted you to know what was going on. You don't have to do this at all. It doesn't matter to me whether or not you remember what happened when we went to the Department of Mysteries in our fifth year or if you remember that impromptu wedding ceremony we had when we were in our sixth year. What's important to me---what I care about most of all---is your health. I want you safe, sound and with me. It's my fault that you're here right now, but I swear I'll spend the rest of our lives together making up for it. The important thing is that you're happy and you're safe. Nothing else matters to me, but that. Okay?"
"I know," she said, touching his cheek. "I know that you don't want to put me in any danger. I never want to hear you blaming yourself for any of this because it's not your fault, Harry. You didn't ask for this and you certainly didn't want or ask for any of this to happen to me. I don't blame you for this at all, and I certainly won't allow you to blame yourself."
He nodded.
"But, I want you to understand something about me," she said. "I don't like seeing the people who I knew and who I cared about when I was Hermione Granger look at me for some sign of recognition and some indication that I know who they are or what they're talking about. It kills me when I see their heart breaking because I can't recall events that we shared or things that we did. It is the most frustrating thing that I've ever had to go through."
"I know it is," he said.
"No, you don't," she said, a single tear falling down her cheek. "But, I do know that you're here for me and you have been every step of the way."
"And I still will be, regardless of whether or not you remember or not," he said. "Hermione, think about this. You are already starting to recall bits and pieces of your past. Perhaps, with time, they'll come back on their own. You don't need to do this. We will all still love you and care about you regardless of whether or not you ever get your memory back."
She nodded.
"But what if this doesn't work, Hermione? You could lose---we could lose---everything we've worked so hard to get back."
"I'd like to talk to Professor Snape again," she said. "I'd like to hear some more about this potion. Could I talk to him again? Please?"
"Sure," Harry said. "I'll, um, go get him."
"I'd like to talk to him alone," she said. "If you don't mind."
He actually minded very much, but one look at her, and he could tell it was important to her.
"Sure," he said. "I'll be right outside."
"Okay," she said, giving him a slight smile.
Harry turned on his heels and walked outside her room. He found Sirius and Snape sitting on two chairs, just outside the room. They weren't talking and Snape looked just as surly as ever.
"She would like to talk to you, Professor Snape," Harry said.
Snape nodded and got up from his chair.
"Please don't do anything to upset her," Harry said, grabbing Snape's arm. "She's already been through enough."
Harry expected a sarcastic, scathing remark from Snape, but to his surprise, Snape simply nodded and walked into the room. He closed the door behind him.
Sirius put a comforting arm on his godson's shoulder.
"You've been through enough, too," Sirius said.
Harry didn't say anything. He hung his head and felt as if the weight of the world was resting square on his shoulders.
"How's she holding up?" Sirius asked.
"Okay," Harry said. "I'm the nervous wreck. She wanted to talk to him alone to hear more about the potion."
"Do you think she's going to do it?" Sirius asked.
"I don't know," he said. "If I were a betting man, I'd say she was going to do it. And not because she wants to remember as much as she wants to make it easier on everyone else. She feels like she'd be letting everyone down."
"Harry," Sirius began, but his godson interrupted him.
"No," he said. "I can't lose her again, Sirius. It nearly killed me the last time. I can't let it happen again. And I don't know what to say to her or to tell her because I can't tell her that everything's going to be okay. I never can tell her that and be one-hundred percent certain that I'm telling her the truth."
"She knows that, Harry," Sirius said.
Harry nodded. "How do I stop feeling guilty for that?"
"I don't know," Sirius said. "But, I don't think that she wants you to tell her it'll be okay, Harry. You're not a god. You have no control over the future or what's going to happen---no one does. What you do have control over is how you choose to live the life that you have now---what she needs from you now more than anything else, is to know that you'll be there for her no matter what happens and that you'll support her in whatever decision she decides to make. Because, Harry, this is her decision to make."
"Yeah," Harry said. "How'd you get to be so wise?"
"Well, I don't know if I'd call it wise," Sirius said. "I think it was all that time I had to spend on my own alone with my own thoughts. You start to get some insight into things that you might not have otherwise thought about."
"Sirius Black, Intellectual Thinker," Harry said.
"Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" Sirius said with a chuckle. "I think I'm going to put that on a card and pass it around."
"They'd never believe you," Harry said.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Sirius said. "Once a Marauder, always a Marauder."
They were silent for a few minutes and then Harry spoke again.
"Could you do me a favor?" Harry asked.
"Anything," Sirius said.
"Could you apparate to Chapel Hill and tell Billie how she's doing," Harry said. "I imagine she's worried sick. I haven't had a chance to get back with her since we left and I know she'd appreciate hearing any news."
"Sure," Sirius said. "I'll leave straight-away."
"Watch your back," Harry said. "I think Billie fancies you."
"She does not," Sirius said modestly.
"Oh, she so does," Harry said. "I think she told Hermione that if she had the chance and let me make sure I'm quoting this correctly, but she told her that if she had the chance, 'she'd like to put you a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.'"
"Sop me up with a biscuit?" Sirius said, laughing. "Oh, how I do love how those southern women talk!"
"Well watch your back," Harry cautioned. "Make that your arse."
"Well, I have been told that I have one of the finest--," Sirius began, but Harry waved him off.
"Too much information," Harry said. "Way too much information. Just get out of here!"
Sirius smiled. "Okay, okay. Give Hermione my love."
"I will," Harry said. He watched as his godfather walked down the hall. He looked at the still closed door. What was taking so long?
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Snape told Hermione all about his research, his experiments, the success ratio, etc. She asked all the pertinent questions and he slowly explained the procedure.
When he had finished answering her questions and was about to get ready to go, she stopped him.
"Could I ask you one more question?"
"Certainly," he answered.
"If the situation were reversed, would you do this?" she asked. "I mean, would you take the chance?"
Snape looked taken aback somewhat by the question. He thoughtfully considered it.
"Miss Granger," he began. "I didn't live a life like the one you've led. I don't have very many friends. I don't have much family to speak of, save for a couple of distant cousins. I've lived a very lonely, solitary life. I've thrown myself into my work. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, or anything like that. Pity is not one of my favorite emotions and I certainly don't want or ask for it from you. I tell you this to let you know that I envy you for what you have. You have people who care about you and love you. That is a wonderful gift. Not too many of us are lucky enough to have that, but you do. If I had what you had, I'd seriously consider it."
She took in what he had said. She simply nodded.
"I know that's not a very good answer," he began.
She shook her head. "No," she said. "It was a very good answer. Thank you for your honesty and your candor, sir. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about all of this."
Snape nodded. He looked a little uncomfortable, standing in front of her.
"You will let me know what you decide?" he asked.
"Yes," she said. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said.
And with that, he was gone.
Hermione stared at the closed door for a few moments. She wasn't surprised to see Harry walk back through the door.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," he said. "Is everything okay?"
"No," she said. "I have a lot to think about, don't I?"
"You're considering this, then?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said. "Professor Snape explained it all to me. At least, I know what I'll be up against if I decide to do this."
He opened his mouth to argue with her, but he saw in her eyes that she was determined to think about this. His conversation with Sirius floated back into his head. She needed his support right now. He could give her that. He might not be able to give her peace of mind right now, but he could give her his support.
"Whatever you decide," he said, kissing her forehead. "I'll support you."
"Thank you," she said, touching his cheek. He leaned in and softly kissed her.
"I love you," she said.
"I'm kind of crazy about you, too," he said.
"Good answer," she said, with a smile.