Confused Paths
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1…
Chapter 3 - Blue Cold Loneliness
Few minutes after Ron had left with Hermione, Lupin showed up and told Harry lunch was ready. Harry then met Ginny and Mrs. Weasley, and was hugged and kissed by both of them. Mrs. Weasley didn't seem to care about Harry's refusal on going to the Burrow; instead, she was looking at him with an expression of pity Harry didn't enjoy. Ginny kept talking about what she had done during the first month of the summer, along with Ron and Hermione. They kept silent, only making small noises when Ginny asked them something.
The lunch was pretty quick for Harry; he asked about Mr. Weasley, who was at the Ministry, and about the other Weasley children; Mrs. Weasley told him Fred and George would be at Grimmauld Place at night, when they closed the shop (she grimaced when mentioned the shop); Bill and Charlie would show up some day, when they were free from Order's business; Bill was still dating Fleur Delacour, Ron said. Percy had sent a letter to the Weasleys excusing himself, and had been at the Burrow the day before; Dumbledore was still pondering whether letting him know about the Order or not. After having his question answered, Harry excused himself and left the table. He could feel everyone's eyes on him when he left for his room.
Even with his friends around, the days were still the same to Harry. The first couple of days, he left his room for playing chess with Ron, and look around the house, since those actions didn't require him to talk; at the third day, he would leave the room only for eating and using the bathroom. He replayed the talk he had with Hermione; Sirius' death wasn't his biggest problem now. Sure, it still meant a lot; but now, he was being haunted by the prophecy; by the guilt he felt for lying to Hermione; and by the strange feeling he had when he saw his two best friends together. Harry had realized that feeling was jealousy; the same feeling Ron had over his fame and fortune. He gave it some more thought. Did he really want Hermione for himself, like Ron wanted his money?
He had never thought of Hermione that way. He was sure he didn't. Until last year, the only girl he had ever laid his eyes on was Cho. Hermione was always his best friend, the one who was there when needed. The one that stood by his side even when Ron didn't. The one that was always there to help with his troubles… At the first year, at the Philosopher's Stone event; at the second, to find the Chamber of Secrets; at the third, when they saved Sirius; at the fourth, when she helped him with the tasks of the Triwizard Tournament; at the fifth, when she helped him break into Umbridge's room, and when she went with him to the Ministry of Magic…
That was it. He realized his mistake. He always cared for Hermione, but he had always taken her for granted. She was always there; he never considered the possibility when she wouldn't be. He was feeling jealous of their relationship, because it took Hermione from his side, and he wanted her back. 'Whoa, calm down Harry,' he thought. 'That is way too much conclusions at a time,' he completed. But as the days passed in his lonely musings, he became more and more sure that was the reason.
Five days after the Weasleys had arrived, and three days after Harry started to completely avoid everyone else, Dumbledore arrived at Grimmauld Place. Harry was informed of his arrival by Lupin, the only person who managed to exchange words with him. He had told Lupin that unless the Headmaster wanted to talk to him, he wouldn't go down. Lupin nodded and looked at Harry with a concerned look. He had no words that could reach within Harry's thoughts, even if he knew what Harry was thinking about. Lupin was aware of the prophecy, as were some of the other members of the Order. But unless Harry left his mourning by himself, there was nothing they could do.
Dumbledore, unlike Harry's expectations, wanted to talk to the boy. Half an hour after Lupin left, Dumbledore showed up at Sirius' room and gently knocked at the door. Harry knew that it wasn't Lupin; the werewolf didn't knock when he came. Harry looked at the door absent-mindedly and said, expressionless, "Come in".
The headmaster entered the room, and Harry saw his eyes look around the room. It was really messed up; Harry was sitting at the bed, which had its sheets scattered over the floor; Buckbeak was at the side of the bed, being petted by the boy; the other pieces of furniture were covered by Harry's possessions, and some of Sirius'. Dumbledore's gaze then stopped at Harry. The boy was looking at him, an undecipherable look in his eyes.
"Hello Harry," the old man said, a little concern in his voice.
"Hello professor," Harry answered, still expressionless.
"How are you feeling?" Dumbledore asked. 'How am I feeling?' Harry thought. 'That is all people know how to ask me these days? How do you think I am feeling? After losing my grandfather? And after discovering that I have to kill Voldemort or that he'll kill me? Or now that…'
"Harry," Dumbledore interrupted his train of thought. "I know that you may still be feeling hurt by Sirius' death… And are now under the weight of the prophecy… But… My question meant something else. Let me say in other words… Have you felt your scar hurting lately?"
The question surprised Harry. 'So, that is it. I am not important, but the bloody scar is. Because it is you personal Voldemort alarm, right? Why don't you take that fucking scar to you? Take it, and paste it on your forehead! I do not want it, I do not need it, and it pisses me off having to answer these things…'
"Harry," interrupted Dumbledore, again. "I am looking inside your mind now. I suppose this means you haven't felt it hurting lately?"
Harry was shocked, to say the least. The old geezer was inside his mind now, and was reading everything he thought! 'Why the hell he asked, then, if he can just go inside my mind and have his answer?' Harry thought bitterly, knowing Dumbledore would hear it.
"I asked you Harry, because my intention was to see if you were able to realize when someone was inside your mind," Dumbledore answered, calmly. "You see, you have not been able to learn Occlumency properly last term. And now, when your mind is twisted due to your strong feelings, Voldemort would have easy access to your mind, like I did. He could be using your mind in many different ways against you, and would not even realize."
Harry kept looking at him, now feeling a little sorry for over-reacting. Despite his mistake in the prophecy thing, Dumbledore usually knew what he was doing, but that only mistake had hit Harry a bit too forcefully to be completely forgotten. He nodded at the headmaster, waiting for him to continue.
"My proposal is, Harry, that you learn Occlumency from me, this summer, while you are here at Grimmauld Place. I believe under my supervision, we can control any negative side-effects of the practice. And I also believe you would rather learn from me than trying again with Professor Snape," he said, with an amused smile.
Harry thought about the offer. 'Learning from Dumbledore would sure be better than learning from Snape. And this could turn to be useful in the long run… No, I am thinking like Hermione… Hermione...' The boy's thoughts were wandering away from his starting point. Then, he was suddenly snapped back, as if hit by a bludger. 'Hey! Dumbledore can see all my thoughts about Hermione now… I could not let Voldemort know them. This could put Hermione in danger, even if I do not want that… He knew I cared for Sirius, and he killed Sirius to taunt me… I can not let it happen to Hermione too. Once is enough…'
Harry turned his head back to Dumbledore. While thinking, he had been absent-mindedly petting Buckbeak. He didn't know the headmaster wasn't inside his mind anymore; but the thought that he could have seen anything about Hermione made the boy flush slightly. "I accept, sir," Harry said. Dumbledore smiled. "Good then. We will begin tomorrow. I will be here everyday, at six in the night, for we to train. Remember Professor Snape's recommendations; before going to sleep, try to clear your mind." The boy nodded. "Well then, Harry, I must be going now. I see you tomorrow." The headmaster proceeded to the door. Before leaving, he turned to Harry and said, "By the way, Harry, your friends are awfully worried about you. It would not be bad if you talked to them sometimes." With that last remark, the headmaster left.
Harry decided to ignore that remark, until it was dinner time and he really had to go down. He had his dinner in silence, as usual, and was the first to get away from the table, as usual. He expected someone to ask about his talk with Dumbledore, but nobody did. Then, after the dinner, Harry decided to go to the library instead. 'A good book will make me sleep easier,' he thought. 'Maybe I can manage to clear my mind then,' he added. 'I must do it, for Hermione.'
He stayed for what seemed like hours in the library, looking for a book that was at least interesting. Harry knew that if a book could make him sleepy, it would probably be a History of Magic book, but he didn't want to try one of those. He had picked a novel, when he realized someone had entered the library. He looked from behind one of the shelves. It was Hermione.
'Of course, who else would come to the library at this time in the night?' The boy thought with a smile. It was good seeing her, without Ron, for a change. Although he never saw the two of them do nothing more than hold hands, it was still disturbing for him to see them together at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
She was looking for something in one of the shelves, and didn't realize when Harry appeared by her side. She shrieked at his sudden appearance, but then gave him a smile. 'She's got a very beautiful smile,' he thought.
"Hey Harry," she said. "What are you doing here? I never thought I would see you in a library by your own," she joked. "Specially now, that you never leave that room for anything." Her face fell a little when she said that, and he felt a little guilty.
"I thought I would need a book to sleep today," he said. She made a confused expression, and he quickly added, "I will be starting Occlumency again, with Dumbledore, tomorrow night." She smiled and he continued, "So, as I need to clear my mind before sleep, I thought of reading something to make my sleep easier. You know, books always make me sleepy. Specially if it is a History of Magic book." He winked at her and she laughed.
"Yes, I know that. But that thing in your hand does not look like a History of Magic book to me," she said, pointing at his hand. He smiled sheepishly. "I did not want to risk sleeping without having the chance to concentrate." She laughed again. He realized he was missing some laughs, and how much he loved to see her laugh. He wondered if they would still be like that when Ron was along with them. "And you, what are you doing here?" Harry asked her.
"I am the bookworm, remember? I am just trying to feel at home," she joked. "In fact, I am preparing for the next term." Harry wasn't surprised. "As we do not have any homework due to the O.W.L.s, there is no way Ron will come with me to the library. So, I am coming here at night to catch on my reading," she said. Harry realized the amusement in her voice faded when she mentioned Ron's dislike for the library.
She picked up a book from one of the shelves, which Harry noticed to be an Arithmancy book. They both sat across from one another, and kept reading for some time, in an awkward silence. Harry found his novel to be quite interesting, but that didn't stop the drowsing effect. He was getting more and more sleepy, but he didn't want to leave Hermione alone. Even if they weren't talking, it was good for him to have his friend at his side. He thought again about the "taking her for granted" thing. He hadn't lost her, after all; she was just a little distant. He didn't have to be jealous from Ron. He smiled, and then decided to turn in for the night. He still had to clear his mind before sleeping.
"Good night, Hermione," he said, standing from his chair. "I think the book made its part today," he completed, with a grin. She looked at him and gave him a little smile. "Good night then Harry," she said. She then stood from her chair and added, "It was good talking to you again." She then gave him another hug, like the one she had given him the day she arrived, and went for the door. Before leaving, she still said, "Do not forget to clear your mind before sleeping."
Harry watched her leave, a little stunned. 'Wasn't it me who was leaving?'
August passed painfully slowly to Harry. After that night in the library, he was sure everything would be fine between him and his friends; a clear mistake, he realized later. He was still uncomfortable whenever he saw his two best friends together; and he still saw himself missing Hermione's company. Interestingly enough, he didn't miss Ron that much; maybe because his jealousy feelings were directed at Ron and not at Hermione. It was Ron who was with Hermione all the time; Harry only saw her at the meals and when she was at the library, at night. Harry begun going there everyday to see if he could talk to Hermione; she managed to appear six times in the whole month, because Ron always had some better idea in how to spend the night. Harry didn't ask her for any details.
Of course, that didn't help in anything to his mood. He was focusing on his Occlumency training and, to his great relief, Dumbledore said he was good enough at it, after the whole month of training. The rest of the time, Harry still spent in his room, trying to sort out his feelings. He didn't succeed on the task, though.
September 1st arrived, and they were leaving for King's Cross Station, to catch the Hogwarts' Express. Mrs. Weasley had bought them everything they needed; Harry was very polite when he thanked for his things, and she looked at him with the same concerned face she had the day she arrived. This morning, when he woke up, she asked him if he was okay, and he nodded in response. 'It was okay to talk to her,' he thought. 'It is not her blame her son chose to date the person I seem to need more than anything.'
Harry had his breakfast before everyone else; when he was leaving the kitchen, Hermione was entering it, and they exchanged small smiles. Lupin seemed to realize that, as he asked Harry later if he was in a good mood. Harry said he was fine, and Lupin believed that for the first time in the whole summer.
Mrs. and Mr. Weasley, along with Lupin, Moody and Kingsley, were taking the children (now just four, since the twins had "graduated" last year) to the station. Kingsley wouldn't be doing that kind of thing, normally, but Tonks was busy this morning, and had said goodbye to everyone the day before. Harry had managed to talk to her normally, and she seemed as worried about him as everyone else.
It was a rather cold morning, for a summer. Harry even thought about wearing a sweater, but gave up the idea. "The day will be warmer later," said Mrs. Weasley. He believed that and was wearing just his normal jeans with an old black T-shirt of Dudley, who wasn't that large on him anymore, since he had filled out during the summer.
They arrived at King's Cross with ten minutes spare. Harry had been avoiding talk to Ron, so he was quite nervous about the ride. He would have to ride with them, or else they would start worrying about him again. But he didn't want to see Ron and Hermione together during the whole ride… It would be too much for him. He decided to go in and leave his trunk inside. Ginny, Ron and Hermione followed him suit. He then got off the train and starting saying his goodbyes. He talked to Moody and Kingsley first; they told him to watch out for anything ("CONSTANT VIGILANCE," snarled Moody), but not run into the unnecessary danger. He then said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, who both gave him hugs and said the same thing; Mrs. Weasley asked him once more if he was alright. Then, he talked to Lupin, who gave him a fatherly hug and said he would be writing when he could. Harry thanked him and said he was doing his godfather job pretty well. Lupin replied to him that it was quite a pleasure having such a great godson, even if he kept to himself too much. Harry lowered his head sheepishly and boarded the train.
When the four kids got to their compartment, there was an awkward silence between them. Harry expected that at least Ginny would say something, or that Ron would want to snog Hermione right away, but that didn't happen. Instead, Hermione broke the silence saying that she and Ron had to go to the Prefects' Carriage, looking at Harry with another concerned look. Harry held his gaze to her, as if saying "I'll be fine", and they left along with Ginny, that had been made a prefect this year. Mrs. Weasley threw quite a party, but it wasn't as big as Ron's had been last year. Harry stayed at the party for fifteen minutes before heading back to his room.
He was alone, once again, but now he was at Hogwarts' Express, riding for the only place he ever called home. But now, even Hogwarts didn't sound like home. He was sure he would be still feeling the same way there. Alone.
He blamed himself for loneliness. Couldn't he just be a good friend and support their relationship, instead of hiding from them? Yes, he could. But that would be just too overbearing for him. He couldn't do that. It bothered him. His only chance was to be like that, alone, in that cold morning, watching the blue sky over him while the train was traveling fast…
Instead of jealousy, he found himself staring into a pit of blue cold loneliness.
A/N: I finally got a beta! ^_^ This chapter didn't pass by her hands, though, because I told you I would have it on Monday… It was entirely written this Monday, because I found out that it's impossible to write here on a weekend… I can barely read with so much noise. Anyway, thanks to my friend CaliberKX for accepting being my beta!
Esperanza: I'm 17, and I started learning English when I was 9… And I'm still not good with it.
To the Anonymous person who asked about who got the other 2/3 of Sirius' fortune: This will be shown soon, I promise. ^_^
To akjennymay9: They will fight. This is inevitable…
To Izabel and ridxwan: I see Harry as a very clueless guy… So I think it was more than right he would not see Ron's crush on Hermione. We read the books by Harry's point of view, so, if Harry had noticed that, JKR would have told us. Like I said before, Harry needs something to "realize" his feelings… To stop being so clueless! He's becoming a little more aware on this chapter… Although he still is unable to say why does he miss Hermione's presence so much…
Thanks for staying with me folks, even if the last chapter got me less reviews. :P Next chapter on Thursday, betaed. R/R!