Just a quick note to say thank you for all of the great reviews! And just so you know, the chapter ends with some fluffy goodness! Please excuse my cheekiness, it's almost one in the morning and I'm tired! Once I'm on a roll though I hate stopping until the plot bunnies are out of my head!! :)
Harry awoke the next morning feeling like he hadn't slept at all. It was almost true; he'd only gotten maybe two hours tops. Between worrying about Hermione and waking up to feed Conlan, he was up and down all night. He crawled out of bed, checking on Conlan before making his way to the bathroom to shower. He'd gotten good at taking two minute showers lately. After toweling off and brushing his teeth, he got dressed for the day. By that time, Conlan had woke up and was ready to eat again. After giving him his bottle, he changed his nappy and dressed him for the day. Dobby usually showed up after breakfast was over, so Harry figured he would just take Conlan to the Great Hall with him. Just as they were about to walk out the door, it opened and in walked Hermione. He had to admit, she looked horrible. But to him, she deserved to feel like shit; that's how she was treating him and Conlan. She looked at him holding the baby and went to say something, but he completely ignored her and continued out the door. As he walked through the common room, Ginny met up with him and took Conlan from him. He was glad they had chosen Ginny to be Conlan's Godmother; she took the title seriously and spent a lot of time with him. Ron was pretty good at being a Godfather too. He usually played with Conlan right before going to bed, sometimes he would come into their quarters to see him. Ron loved putting him on their bed and blowing raspberries on his belly. Conlan seemed to love it too; he got excited and gurgled every time Ron played with him.
When they entered the Hall, Ginny sat next to Harry and Harry took Conlan from her so she could eat. He'd have to get used to eating one handed too. Cradling his son in the crook of his left arm, he started filling his plate with eggs, bacon and toast. As he started to scoop the eggs, a hand covered his on the handle of the spoon and he looked up to see Hermione.
"I don't need your help, thanks" said Harry rather nastily. He saw the hurt look pass over Hermione's face and felt a sadistic satisfaction. As soon as that passed, he felt sorry for hurting her that way. "Have a good sleep?" he asked her rather shortly.
"No, I didn't. Look, Harry you're right, we need to talk" she said with tears shining in her eyes.
"Now you want to talk? I tried to get you to talk to me last night and you ran out the door. Why should we talk now?" asked Harry. Conlan started to fuss so he started to lightly bounce him in his arm. "We can talk later; right now I need to eat and get Conlan back to the room so Dobby can watch him."
Hermione looked from Harry to Conlan and tentatively held out her hands. "Can I hold him?" she asked quietly.
"You don't have to ask Hermione, he's your son too" said Harry, passing the baby to her. The minute he was settled in Hermione's arms, Conlan started crying harder than Harry had ever heard him cry before. Hermione looked at him with a scared look on her face and handed him immediately back to Harry. Without a word she gathered her bag and almost ran out of the hall.
Ginny had noticed what had happened and asked "what was that all about Harry?"
"I have no idea" said Harry, noticing that Conlan had quieted down once again. "I wish I knew."
Hermione ran after she had gotten out of the Great Hall. She ran blindly through the corridors with no destination in mind. She stopped at a set of doors and realized that she was in front of the Hospital Ward. Standing there for a moment, she decided to go in and talk to Madam Pomfrey. Hermione felt so lost right now and Pomfrey had helped her so much when she was carrying Conlan. She walked back to the nurses office and lightly knocked on the closed door, hoping she was there. She almost sighed in relief as she heard the rattle of the doorknob and saw Madam Pomfreys face peeking out from the crack of the open door. "Hermione? Is everything ok?" asked the nurse, curious as to why she was there.
Hesitating for a moment, she said "no, no everything is not ok." Madam Pomfrey looked at Hermione in surprise and concern. She opened the door all the way and motioned for Hermione to come inside her office. Hermione walked in and sat in one of the chairs by Pomfrey's desk. She sat there nervously, worrying her lip and not meeting the nurse's gaze.
"Did you need to speak to me about something?" she asked.
Hermione sat quietly for a minute and finally looked up at Madam Pomfrey. The nurse's heart broke at the tears shining in the teens eyes. "I don't know who else I can talk to. My Mum was here, she saw what was going on and she didn't say a word about it" said Hermione despairingly.
"What did she see dear" asked the nurse, trying to coax Hermione into telling her what was wrong.
"That my son hates me!" said Hermione, bursting into tears.
"What are you talking about Hermione?" Madam Pomfrey was now getting an idea of what might be going on.
Sniffling and trying to pull herself together, Hermione wiped her eyes and said "I don't know what happened. When you released me from hospital, I went back to our quarters. I was so happy; I'm married to the guy I love and I have this beautiful son. Then I walked through the common room holding Conlan and I noticed some of the girls watching me. Something about the way they watched me walk across the room; they wore this expression that said 'I'm glad that's not me'." Hermione stopped to take a deep breath and said "I feel like my life is over before it's begun. I'm only sixteen; I'm not supposed to be a Mum already! And now every time I hold Conlan, he starts to cry like he can't stand me holding him! My own son doesn't want me!" Crying completely now, she blubbered "And Harry's so mad at me. I got mad last night and slept in the girls dorm; I couldn't stand to answer his questions. What would he think of me?"
Madam Pomfrey looked surprised at Hermione's outburst, and then a compassionate look settled on her face. "Hermione, what you are going through right now is perfectly normal, especially since you're from a muggle family. They normally call it post partum depression and lots of new Mums go through it." Reaching over to hand Hermione a tissue she continued with her explanation "As for your son hating you, there's no way an eight day old baby could hate his Mother. When you hold him, he can sense your fear of him and your anxiety about everything that's going on. He's been tethered to you for nine months; he can pick up on every emotion you are feeling. That's why he reacts that way; you just need to be calm so not to set him off."
"Really?" whispered Hermione hopefully. "What can I do to get back to normal Madam Pomfrey? I hate acting the way I am, but it seems like I don't have any control over it. I want my husband and son back."
Madam Pomfrey smiled at her and reached out, patting her leg comfortingly. She got up from her seat next to Hermione and walked over to where all her potion ingredients sat on a shelf. Selecting the ones she would need she brought them over to her desk and started mixing them into a rather large potion bottle. Putting the stopper in the bottle and shaking it for a moment, she got up to hand it to Hermione. "I want you to take one swallow of this when you get up in the morning and then again right before you go to bed at night. This will help to even out your emotions and when it's gone you should feel like your old self." Looking at Hermione with sympathy she said "I'm afraid you will have to fix your problems with Mr. Potter yourself. There is no potion that can do that for you."
Hermione gave her a small, watery smile while nodding her head in comprehension. Looking a bit embarrassed now, Hermione looked at Madam Pomfrey and said "thank you for listening to my ranting. I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't speak to someone and I thought you might understand with all the new Mums you've taken care of."
"That's my job my dear and you're not the first new mother to seek my help; there have been many that have gone through what you're going through right now. You just concentrate on getting better because if Conlan is anywhere near as powerful as Mr. Potter was when he was born you will need all your strength to deal with him." The nurse smiled at her and said "mark my words; with your intelligence and magical skills combined with your husband's power your son will be a great and powerful wizard."
Smiling at her, Hermione got up from her chair and did something very un-Hermione like; she hugged Madam Pomfrey. The nurse hugged her back, knowing she needed the assurance that everything would be ok. For all Pomfrey knew, she could be hugging the wife or mother of the greatest wizard in the world, depending on which Potter proved to be more powerful. Pomfrey knew if anyone could handle the Potter men, it would be the girl in front of her. Hermione pulled away and thanked her once again. Making sure she had the potion she was given, Hermione made her way out of the ward back to Gryffindor Tower. She had to get to class and think about how she was going to make amends with Harry.
Finally, Hermione's last class of the day was over and she was on her way back to Gryffindor Tower to find Harry. In the two classes they shared that day, he had refused to look at her when she tried to catch his attention. She finally gave up and resigned herself to waiting until classes were over that day. She said the password and made her way into the common room, looking around to see if Harry was there. When she didn't see him she went over to the door of her quarters and said the password again. She walked inside and what she saw caused a wave of jealousy to wash over her.
There in HER rocking chair sat Ginny holding HER son! Hermione had never felt so angry, so-so jealous in her life! Trying to suppress the urge to walk over and snatch her son out of Ginny's arms, she plastered on a fake smile and walked over to where she was.
"Oh hi Hermione! Harry went looking for you and asked if I could watch Conlan for a little while. I guess Dobby had to go help prepare the evening meal." She looked at Hermione closely and asked "is everything ok? I heard you slept in the dorm room last night instead of here."
Why that nosy little bi- "yes I slept in the dorm Ginny." Hermione tried to reign in the need to slap the shit out of Ginny right then and said "not that it's any of your business but Harry and I haven't been getting along lately."
Ginny picked up on the anger in her tone and quirked an eyebrow up, giving her a questioning look. "I know the two of you haven't been getting along lately; I think all the Gryffindors noticed something was up."
'Know-it-all little hussy' thought Hermione, and then stopped in surprise at her thoughts. Shaking herself to break out of her mood, she said "why don't you let me watch Conlan until Harry gets back. He is my son after all."
"Of course he is" Ginny said, sounding like she was placating her. "I just love spending time with my Godson. He's such a sweet baby, but I'm sure you know that."
"Sure I do" said Hermione with a fake smile and sickeningly sweet tone of voice. "Well, I'll see you later Ginny" she said, hoping Ginny would take the hint. Nodding her head, Ginny got up and went to hand Conlan over to her. Shaking her head, Hermione asked "why don't you lay him in his bassinet? I'm going to change out of my clothes and then I'll pick him up."
Ginny just looked at her for a second then took Conlan over to the bassinet to lay him down. "I'll tell Harry that you're in here with the baby if I see him" said Ginny as she made her way to the door.
"Ok, thanks" said Hermione, not turning to look at her friend. Ginny stood by the door just watching Hermione and questioning herself about how she was acting. Realizing that Hermione wasn't going to say anything more to her, Ginny walked out the door into the common room.
'Thought she'd never leave' thought Hermione as she took out some comfortable clothes to change into. Finding a pair of black sweatpants and one of Harry's shirts she had taken from him, she took off her skirt and unbuttoned her shirt. Sliding the shirt down her arms, she looked down at her stomach and couldn't stand what she saw. Her once flat stomach now looked like a pouch that a kangaroo has, just without an opening. The skin was hanging and she was still pudgy from the weight she gained while carrying Conlan. She hated her body and was embarrassed to change in front of Harry anymore. She noticed the weird looks he'd give her when she would go change in the bathroom. But she knew if he saw her undressed that he would be just as disgusted as she was with her body.
She pulled her sweatpants on and just as she picked up her t-shirt she heard the door open. Covering herself with the shirt she looked over to see Harry standing there watching her. "Ginny told me you were in here" he said, not taking his eyes off of her.
Hermione was squirming under his steady gaze; why was he looking at her like that? There was no disgust on his face, he looked almost in awe as he stared. Finally she couldn't take it anymore and asked "why are you looking at me like that?"
Snapping out of his stupor, Harry looked at Hermione's face and thought he saw fear there. 'Fear of what?' he wondered. She couldn't be scared of him, he'd never done anything to hurt her. "Like what?" he asked wanting to know what she was thinking.
"I-I don't know, like you can't believe what you're seeing" she said quietly. "I know my body is ugly and I don't blame you for not wanting me anymore."
'What?' he thought surprised at her statement. "WHAT?" he said voicing his thoughts. "Wherever did you get that idea?" he asked.
"I...I don't know, just the way you look at me sometimes. It makes me feel like you don't like what you see" she said, voicing her fears.
Harry's face fell as she said this. He couldn't believe that his Hermione, the independent know-it-all girl was standing before him scared of what he thought of her body. He started walking towards her and watched her for a reaction. She looked like a wide-eyed fawn caught in the headlights of a car; scared and unable to move. He stopped when he was standing right in front of her and slowly reached down to grab the t-shirt out of her hand. She seemed to grip it tighter at first but at his persistence she finally let it go. Tossing the shirt on the bed, Harry looked at her to see that she was looking at the floor now. He put his finger under her chin and raised it until she was eye-level with him. When she still wouldn't look him in the eye Harry softly whispered "Hermione."
At the desperate sound in his voice she raised her eyes to meet his, seeing a pleading look there. Moving his hands to grab hers, he moved his gaze from her eyes and let it travel down her body. He could feel her stiffen as he did this and he squeezed her hands in encouragement. When his eyes completed their journey and he was staring into her eyes once again he smiled at her and said "you're beautiful."
She looked at him for a moment and said "how can you say that? I have skin hanging from my stomach in a very grotesque way."
Harry's smile turned sad as he realized she didn't believe him. He cupped her face with his hands and caressing her cheeks with his thumbs said "when I look at you, I see the woman that sacrificed her body for nine months so that our son could grow and be born healthy. I see the woman that gave me a son at the sacrifice of so many things and not once did she complain. I don't care what you're body looks like Hermione, I love you no matter what. It's not your looks that turn me on, it's how sweet, caring and giving you are. You and Conlan are my family now and nothing is going to change that, ever."
Tears had formed in Hermione's eyes as he said this and she felt her love for him well up inside of her. She couldn't believe she was looking at a sixteen year old boy; no one his age could be so wise. Smiling a real smile for the first time in a very long time, she wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing in how good it felt to hold him again. When he wrapped his arms around her too she felt so safe and loved. She thought she would never feel that way again. "I love you Hermione, always" Harry whispered in her ear, making chills run down her spine. She knew now that he meant every word he said; how foolish she had been acting lately! Pulling away from Harry she stared at him meaningfully and leaned in to give him a kiss. When her lips met his, Hermione felt the familiar thrill run through her body. She couldn't remember the last time they had done this. Harry parted his lips and ran his tongue over her bottom lip, seeking entrance. When she opened to him, he slipped his tongue inside and groaned at how good it felt. Slowly exploring each others mouth, they stood kissing each other until they needed to stop for air. Leaning his forehead onto hers, he wrapped his arms around her waist and asked "are we ok now?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I acted the way I did. There is more we need to talk about though" explained Hermione. Conlan chose that moment to start fussing in the bassinet and Harry went to pick him up.
"What else do we need to discuss?" he asked curiously.
"You know what, that can wait until later tonight" said Hermione, envying the way Harry interacted with Conlan. "How about the three of us go down to dinner?"
"Sounds good, I'm starved" said Harry. He walked over to where Conlan's bottles were and picked one up. Turning to see Hermione putting her shirt on, he waited for her to get her shoes on also then motioned her over towards him. Cradling Conlan in his left arm and placing his right hand on Hermione's lower back, the three left to go down to dinner together for the first time since Conlan's birth.
*Before anyone flames me for not knowing what I'm talking about, I want to let you know that I know a lot about post partum depression. I suffered through it after both my sons were born. It's a very sad, lonely and scary time and I wanted to try to convey that through Hermione. I'm sure anyone who's gone through it knows what I mean. Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks! :) MisCard