Author's note: Thank you all so much for the kind words and prayers for me and my test. Thanks to all of your support and loads of studying, I did pass. And I promised you a new chapter and here you go…this one is really angsty…that's your warning. And the song for this chapter is "Fire" that was written by Bruce Springsteen. My favorite version of it was done by Babyface and Des'ree. If you get a chance to listen to that song, listen to their version…it's one of my favorites. A special thanks to Ash, Heaven and Excalibur for the feedback and the beta!
Chapter 10
Fire
"You had a hold on me
Right from the start
A grip so tight
I couldn't tear it apart
My nerves all jumpin'
Actin' like a fool
Your kisses might burn
But my heart...
Stays (stays)...
Cool (cool)"
("Fire" by Babyface & Des'ree)
This is really, really nice. Sod that, this is absolutely fantastic.
Hermione didn't know what she was doing. One moment, she and Harry were walking along the beach, having a deep conversation and the next moment, they were kissing. She couldn't remember if she was the one to make the first move or if he did? She didn't really know and at the moment, she didn't care. The only thing she really knew was that she didn't want him to stop. This felt much too good to stop.
When they finally pulled away from each other, Hermione felt breathless and dizzy. He was staring into her eyes with such intensity that Hermione wanted to look away, but she couldn't.
"You're shivering," he said softly.
"I'm cold," she whispered. "I always get cold when I'm nervous. Well, that's one of the things I do when I'm nervous. I also babble, but you know that already. I can't…."
Harry laughed. "You don't have to apologize. I think it's cute when you babble."
Hermione blushed. "No one has called me cute since I was a baby."
"Okay, I think it's adorable when you babble," Harry said cheekily.
"That's a new one for me as well," she said with a laugh.
"You are adorable and cute and beautiful," he said, touching her cheek. "And if no one's ever told you that before, they're blind."
Hermione cheeks reddened even more at this. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and his hand returned to linger on her cheek once again.
"You don't have to be nervous with me, Hermione," he said softly. "If I did something to make you feel uncomfortable…"
Hermione shook her head vehemently. "You didn't. It was a nice kiss, actually. Quite nice, really... I-I liked it."
Harry smiled. "So did I."
He leaned in and kissed her again, this time with much more intensity. Her arms looped around his neck and she gasped into his mouth as he pulled her even closer. It wasn't close enough, though. Hermione was feeling so reckless right now and she'd never felt that way before in her life. She was always the sensible one. Everything was planned and thought out before she did it. This kiss certainly hadn't been planned. Meeting this very handsome, very charming man hadn't been on her agenda either, but look at her now. She was losing control and she could care less. This felt so right, so good.
But it wasn't right.
Ron.
Oh, God. What am I doing? What have I done?
Hermione pulled away from him.
"What?" he asked breathlessly, his voice full of concern. "Did I do something wrong?"
Hermione shook her head. "No, you didn't. It was me who did something wrong."
Harry sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong."
She turned away, unable to look at him. This was such a mess and what she'd just done with Harry had made it even messier than it was. She'd been attracted to him from the start… before she'd even known who he really was.
Why didn't I just tell him I knew who he was? Why didn't I tell him who I really was? Why? Why? Why? None of this would have happened. This is my fault.
"If anything, it was me," Harry said, coming up behind her and putting a hand on her shoulder. "I shouldn't have… you have a boyfriend and I should have respected that, but Hermione…"
Hermione shook her head. "I think we should go back home, Jack. I'm really knackered."
Harry nodded. "If that's what you want…"
What I want is for you to kiss me again…
"I think that would be best," she heard herself saying to him instead.
"Okay," Harry said, trying to hide his disappointment. "Let's go."
**********
"What have you got there?" Hermione asked, coming into the Burrow. The Weasleys had family dinners at least once a week even though it was difficult getting the entire brood together with everyone scattered around the world. They always made a point to get together at least once a week---the entire family. Hermione had come along with Ron from the first time they'd started dating and she had to say she liked the get-togethers. Hermione was an only child and had always wondered what it would be like to have brothers and sisters. She quickly found out as the Weasley family welcomed her with open arms. They were a loud and boisterous group who liked taking the mickey out of you, but wouldn't hesitate to have your back when it really counted. Hermione had come to love the Weasleys like her own family.
"A letter from Harry," Ron said, sticking it back in the tatty envelope. "Lupin brought it by earlier."
"The mysterious Harry Potter," Hermione said with a laugh.
"Mysterious is right," Ron commented, pecking her on the cheek.
"I still can't believe you haven't seen him in years," Hermione couldn't help saying.
Ron shrugged. "It's what Harry wanted."
"Don't you miss him?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah, of course I do," Ron said. A serious look came upon his face.
"What's on your mind Ron?" Hermione asked.
Ron looked thoughtfully at her. "Don't get me wrong, Hermione. I miss him. I do. But…"
"But what?"
"But if he's not here, I don't feel as if I'm just his 'sidekick' or the 'also-ran'," Ron said matter-of-factly. A pained expression came over his face. "I'm a shit for thinking like that, I know. But you don't know what it was like. He was always… it was just that things always seemed to come so easy for him. Everyone expected greatness from him, and he never seemed to disappoint. I was always jealous of him because he always seemed to get what he wanted; even what I wanted."
"Ron," Hermione said, somewhat in disbelief. She'd had no idea he'd felt this way.
"But he didn't do any of it on purpose," Ron said, shaking his head. "He wasn't mean or vindictive about it. He felt bad… he knew how I felt. He hated that and I hated being jealous of him. It's just… I've always been his friend or Arthur and Molly's son or Fred and George's younger brother. It was like I didn't even have a name, Hermione! With him gone, I'm able to have something of my own. I didn't think I'd ever have that."
Hermione honestly didn't know what to say.
"I hate that I think like that," Ron said, playing with the envelope. "He's my best mate and I'd rather have him miles away than living here where I could see him everyday. I've never told that to anyone…"
"Does he know you feel like that?" Hermione finally asked.
Ron shook his head. "No, I'd never tell him that. And it's not his fault I feel this way. It's mine. And I'm not proud of it, Hermione. I'm not."
Hermione had that conversation with Ron a few weeks ago. She'd been taken aback to hear what Ron had said, but she'd also been touched that he'd been able to share something so personal with her.
If Ron found out about what had just happened or how she was feeling…
She didn't want to hurt him like that. She couldn't hurt him like that. So whatever feelings she was having toward Harry, she had to find someway to get past them; to bury them. She didn't want to be responsible for breaking up their friendship. They'd been friends long before she'd entered the picture.
Hermione kept hearing that conversation in her mind over and over as she and Harry slowly made their way back to Isla Solarte. The night air was cool and Hermione was shivering. Was it her imagination or had they been on this boat for hours? It had only been minutes, she knew, but the uncomfortable, awkward silence made it seem like an eternity.
"Here," Harry said, breaking her away from her thoughts. He was handing her a jacket.
"Thanks," she said, putting it on. "It's a bit chilly…"
Harry nodded and his eyes locked with hers for a moment before he returned his attention back to steering the boat.
"Um, Jack…" Hermione said.
For the longest time, he didn't answer.
"Yeah," Harry finally said, still standing with his back to her. "Look, Hermione. I know what you're going to say, okay? What happened between us back there was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened. I overstepped my bounds. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
Hermione didn't say anything to that. She couldn't.
A few minutes later, they were finally docked at Isla Solarte. Hermione waited for him to secure the boat, thinking they could walk back together.
"I'm going to be awhile," Harry said, not looking at her. "You can go on ahead."
"Oh," Hermione said. "Okay. I guess I'll see you then."
"Yeah," Harry said, finally looking up and giving her a weak smile.
"Good night, Jack."
"Good night," Harry said coolly.
Hermione quickly made her way back to the guesthouse and the tears she'd been holding back on the boat finally fell freely down her cheek. She fought the urge to go back down to the docks and tell him the truth; to tell him that she wanted him. But, she couldn't do that. Not now.
********
***
A few hours later, Harry lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling, and replaying the night's events over and over in his head. It had been going so well.
Admittedly, he hadn't planned on kissing her so soon. But, it had been the perfect moment and he'd just gone with it. How could he have not kissed her with the moon shining down on them, alone on a secluded beach, and with the water gently lapping on the shore? The signals were all there, weren't they? They'd talked-really talked-and he felt like she understood him.
There you go again, Potter, doing something before you think about it first. This isn't the first time you've done that before. It never turns out well. You'd think you'd learn.
This boyfriend of hers… he obviously meant more to her than he'd thought. She hadn't talked much about him, whoever he was, and what kind of bloke was this guy, anyway? He just let a great girl like Hermione leave for two months? If Hermione was his, Harry thought sadly to himself, he wouldn't want to be away from her any longer than he had to.
But she's not yours. And after your stunt tonight, probably never will be.
Harry knew he wasn't going to get any sleep anytime soon. Suddenly, he remembered Ron had sent him a letter. Hoping that his best mate's troubles would take his mind off his own, Harry got out of bed.
A few minutes later, he was sitting in the kitchen with a biscuit and a soda, reading Ron's letter.
Harry,
I know I've said this before, but I'm really in it now. You know how I wrote to you about that girl I've been seeing, right? I told you that I wanted to stop fooling around on her because she's such a great girl? Well, I really did want to do that. But that was before I met this girl, Melinda.
She's really hot, Harry. We're talking Hot, Hot, Hot. She puts Cho Chang to shame. Sorry to use her for a point-of-reference, but she was your first girlfriend, and I must say that you had excellent taste. Except for her choice in Quidditch teams. I still can't believe she likes the Tornados. But that's neither here nor there.
I'm trying to be good, but being on the road, we get offers right and left! But Melinda…well, she's relentless. She has a boyfriend, too. But, she says "What's the harm in the two of us having a little bit of fun?" I think she's right, but I still feel like crap for treating Hermione like this.
Harry reread that sentence twice to make sure he'd read what he'd thought he'd read. Hermione…
That couldn't be the same Hermione.
It's not exactly an everyday name, is it?
Harry decided to keep reading.
Hermione's everything I could want in a girl, Harry. She's funny, smart, charming, and very pretty. She works with Lupin and I'm sure he'd vouch for me about how great she is. I know I'm being a tosser about this whole thing, but I have no idea what to do. I love Hermione, but I'm starting to have feelings for Melinda, too. My heart is telling me to end this with Melinda and concentrate on Hermione. But other parts of my body…they aren't so willing to cut things off with Melinda…if you know what I mean.
What do you think I should do?
Your very confused and very mixed-up mate,
Ron
Harry re-read the letter three times and each time the reality of it sank in. Hermione was Ron's girlfriend. The Hermione he'd kissed a few hours ago on the beach was Ron's Hermione.
To say he was gobsmacked would have been a complete understatement. Hermione was the girl Ron had been dating that he'd been cheating on almost since the start, according to his letters. Questions filled Harry's mind.
Does Hermione know who I really am? Why didn't Remus mention who she really was in his letters? Surely, he'd have known since he knows Ron and he works with Hermione.
I wish I could talk about this with Sirius…
Sirius. Could he have known about this, too? Why didn't he say anything instead of trying to push Harry and Hermione together at every opportunity? And if he did know who Hermione was, why on earth was he trying to match make? None of this made sense. He'd have to deal with Sirius later. Right now, he had to talk to Hermione.
The trouble was that he had no idea what to say.
****
In the guesthouse, Hermione wasn't sleeping, either. She'd changed into her pajamas---a camisole top and a pajama bottoms, but hadn't been able to fall asleep. She'd tossed and turned for quite some time before giving up and deciding to go downstairs and read.
She'd just picked out a book from Remus' library when she heard a knock on the door. Seeing as she and Harry
were the only two people on the island at the moment, she had a pretty good idea who was at her door. She hesitated
just a moment before answering.
"Jack," she said, trying to sound surprised.
"I'm sorry to call on you this late," Harry began nervously. "But I needed to talk to you about something…"
"It's okay," Hermione said, standing back and ushering him inside. "I wasn't asleep."
Harry nodded and walked inside. He sat down on one of the plush couches and Hermione sat down beside him. He didn't say anything for quite some time and Hermione wondered if perhaps she should say something first.
"I'm not who you think I am," Harry said before she could open her mouth.
Hermione hadn't expected that. Instead of acting surprised, she decided to be open with him as well. "I know. I-I know who you are, Harry."
Harry looked up in surprise.
"How long have you known?" he asked.
"Since the first day," Hermione said sheepishly. "I would have said something, but I figured I was your guest and I didn't want to intrude. I figured that if you wanted me to know, you would have introduced yourself by your real name."
Hermione put her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Harry. I just…"
"What are you playing at, Hermione?" Harry asked angrily. "Thought you'd come down here and make me…"
"Make you what?" Hermione countered, feeling angry as she realized what he was implying. "Is that what you think I did? Came down here wanting to seduce the great Harry Potter? I'll have you know I hadn't given much thought in my life about where you were other than the fact that I figured wherever you were, you were probably getting peace and quiet---which I figured you deserved after all you went through! But, if you want to think I had some great scheme to come down here and…well, if you did, you don't know me at all!"
Harry looked at her in disbelief. He'd had this problem when he was in school. He'd always had to wonder if someone was just being nice to him because of the scar on his forehead. He'd felt so self-obsessed to think like that, but he couldn't help it. Being judged not on the merit of what you did, but on who you were or what your last name happened to be had been par for the course.
Harry wanted to believe her. He remembered how it had been her that pulled away tonight. If she had come down here to
seduce him, she wouldn't have stopped him. And she did tell him she had a boyfriend, almost from the start.
Even though her boyfriend is cheating on her with anything that moves and she has no idea.
Harry remembered loads of letters from Ron talking about wanting to remain faithful to this girl, but finding it nearly impossible. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't understand why the two of them would be dating. Ron and Hermione were about as different as night and day. There was that thing about opposites attracting, but Harry wasn't so sure.
"Are you just going to sit there?" Hermione asked impatiently.
"No," Harry said, shaking his head. "I just think I have a right to be angry is all."
"Fine, get angry!" Hermione retorted hotly. "But you have no place to come in here and accuse me of being some sort of…tart!"
"I didn't!" Harry protested.
"You didn't have to," Hermione said, getting to her feet. "I'll have you know that for the past six months, I've been dating someone. One man. One. I'm not the type to go cheating on someone. I've made a commitment to him."
"I know that you're dating Ron," Harry said. "I got a letter from him tonight and he mentioned your name."
Hermione froze. "But he doesn't know I'm here…"
"He doesn't know I'm here, either. And I'm fairly sure he doesn't know we're here together," Harry interjected. "Why didn't you tell me what your boyfriend's name was? This could have saved us both a lot of trouble."
"I told you I was following your lead," Hermione answered. "And besides, the fact that I had a boyfriend in the first place should have caused you to back off…"
"What?" Harry asked incredulously. "That's really rich, Hermione. Need I remind you that you kissed me back? Twice!"
"Y-you kissed me first!" Hermione stammered.
"This is crazy," Harry said, shaking his head. He stood up, unable to sit down anymore. There was so much here to process that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to wrap his brain around any of it.
"And then you all but call me some sort of tramp who was out to bag the great Harry Potter and go back to London and sell my story to all the papers," Hermione finished.
"I didn't say that!" Harry said exasperated.
"You didn't have to," Hermione said, walking toward the front door. "I think you should leave!"
"You're in my house!" Harry retorted. He'd been hot on her heels when she'd walked away and when she stopped abruptly; he'd nearly crashed into her.
"Not for too much longer," Hermione said, turning around, but not looking at him. "I'll leave tomorrow morning."
Harry looked at her in surprise. "What?"
"Do you honestly expect me to stay here after that?" she asked. When he didn't answer, she held open the door. "GET OUT!"
Harry looked at her, wanting to say something to take this all back, but he couldn't. He didn't know what he could say. He walked past her in a huff and he'd not even made it to the first step when she slammed the door behind him.
Hermione sank back against the door, tears falling down her face. She couldn't believe that he'd thought that about her. That she could be capable of doing such a thing. She angrily wiped the tears from her cheeks. He wasn't worth her tears. She couldn't believe she'd let herself start to fall for someone like that.
The best thing would be just to pack up and go back home…tomorrow. She could go home and recommit to Ron and their relationship. She hadn't been very fair to him, had she? Well, that was going to stop right now. He was sweet, funny and charming. He didn't deserve someone like her who forgot about him the moment a pair of green eyes looked her way.
She was angry at herself for not being honest from the beginning.
None of this would have happened if I'd just told them who I really was or told them that I knew who they were.
Or would it have? She and Harry still would have spent time together. They still would have gotten to know each other. She didn't know if any of that was true, but she did know one thing. The sooner she got off of Isla Solarte, the better off she'd be.
Harry, too, was angry. He didn't know who he was the angrier at---Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Lupin or himself.
Why couldn't one of them have been honest with him from the start?
Hermione never lied to you. And you know she's not a tramp or a tart or some scarlet woman, but you walked out of there tonight having her think that was exactly what you thought.
"Harry?" a familiar gruff voice called out to him from the darkness. Harry looked up to see Sirius and Eva approaching from the docks. "What's going on?"
"That's what I'd like to know," Harry said, looking sternly at his godfather. "I think it's time you and I had a nice…long…talk."