Authors Note: The idea for this came to me recently and I absolutely could not shake it from my mind. Please note that this work has some dark, mature subject matter. I do not take any of the topics lightly. However, if psychological violence or sinister erotic overtones bother you, then please do not read this story. I wish that I could write the story as I see it in my head. If I could, I know it would leave you with some of the same bizarre and intense feelings that I have felt while writing it. For those of you who choose to continue; I would like to thank you for reading this story, whose ideas and thoughts haunt me. For those of you who hate it -- don't feel bad, so do I.
If I Was To Find You
There are only five more weeks in the school year. Hermione was feeling a deep and uneasy tension in her life. The great battle was not at all what she had expected. She felt that in the final moments the trio would have stood together and faced Harry's prophecy together. It certainly did not end up that way. Ron had been taken out early in the fight and was lying unconscious about a hundred meters away. She only made it about another forty. She had been gravely hurt, both of her legs had been broken and she was lying on the ground bleeding. The pain was excruciating, but she kept herself from screaming. She was doing the only thing she could do, listen.
She listened with every fiber of her being. It frightened her deeply. To this day she is plagued by nightmares, both morning and night. The words that were thrown between Voldemort and Harry were so viscous and violent that she would not repeat many of them for the rest of her life. When Harry had seen Ron and Hermione fall and writhe in agony, a piece of his mind left him and never came back. Harry was not going to face Voldemort as the noble hero; he was going to face him as a madman. The final moments were utterly devastating to Hermione's heart. She heard the Dark Lord use the most horrific lies about Harry's parents. Then she heard the greatest lie of all. He-who-must-not-be-named told Harry that no one loved him. He said they were nice to him, because they were afraid of him. And that made the two of them exactly the same. At first Harry lashed out in anger and then he turned as cold as winter. He had leapt at Voldemort and began tearing him apart with his bare hands. The Dark Lord cried out in abject fear as he fell before Harry's ferocity. Then the most heart-wrenching sound she had ever heard came from Harry's lips. He began to cry out, though not as a young man, but as a wild and wounded animal. It was still him, he was no lycanthrope, though he might as well have been. He made the sound of a mad beast and it echoed throughout the forbidden forest. Every living thing for a mile disappeared fast and far. Then, she heard Harry run off into the dark wilderness and never heard from him again.
She lay there for almost four hours, until Hagrid had finally discovered her and Ron. He yelled out to the others and immediately she was surrounded by all the faces she had come to know and trust, save for the one that she craved the most. The war was finally over, but the wounds ran still and deep.
Today, she was sitting in the great hall and staring across the table at Ron and Luna. Ron had suffered at the loss of Harry. He was almost never happy and when he was, you could hear the empty echoes in his laughter. Hermione did not have the strength to comfort him, and so Ron fell into Luna's arms. Luna became his strength. She had this amazing ability to siphon out the poison of despair from his mind and fill him up with a sense of purpose. Hermione was desperately envious of that, but still found the courage to wake up each morning with enough strength to push herself until it was time to collapse into bed at night. Worst of all though, were the dreams. At first they were of some nameless fear that walked beside her in the darkness, but now the fear began to take shape and form. Voldemort was right about one thing. Hermione had now become afraid of Harry. His name had replaced Voldemorts as the name that was never spoken. Not because anyone thought evil of him, but because no one knew what to say, so they said nothing at all.
Five more weeks and her N.E.W.T.S. would be out of the way and she could leave this hateful place behind her. Hogwarts was no sanctuary of learning to her anymore. It was a tomb.
"Hermione?" Luna said sternly, "You've been silent for almost two straight days. I'm worried about you. Don't make me sic Dumbledore on you."
Dumbledore Hermione laughed to herself. Where was he when they needed him so badly? He had abandoned them for some reason that now no longer mattered, and Harry was forced to face the horror alone. He was nice enough to Hermione and did everything he could to help her open up and talk about what happened, but she would rather cut her own tongue out then betray her memory of Harry.
"Please Hermione," Ron said gently, "please talk to me."
"I'm sorry Ron. I'm just a bit tired."
"Listen," he replied, "it's only two more days until the weekend. We were given special permission to leave the school on Saturday. You and Luna and I are going to Hogsmeade and we're going to spoil ourselves for a day."
Luna piped in, "Plus, I kind of have something special planned and I'm not prepared to take no for an answer. So you need to come."
Hermione stared at Ron and noticed that he and Luna had exchanged glances between each other. She shrugged her shoulders. It would be easier to just go with them, than try and argue about it. So she agreed. She got up and made some excuse about having to go to the library. She walked blindly into the madding crowd.
--- ---
Hermione spent a great deal of time walking through the forgotten places of the school. She found the least likely hallways, corridors, staircases, and secret rooms. They had all become her sanctuary. She came here and hid amongst the forgotten things and secretly wished that she would become forgotten as well. She was heading towards one of her new favorite dark spaces, but instead turned a different path. She passed by Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and walked straight in. She yelled out to Myrtle to show herself. Myrtle slowly faded into view and sat hovering in front of Hermione.
"Myrtle, how far from this bathroom can you go?"
"I don't leave this bathroom, it's mine and I quite enjoy it here."
Hermione took a deliberate step forward and looked straight into Myrtle's ghostly eyes.
"I'm not sure you heard me. I said how far from this bathroom can you go?"
Myrtle looked confused and began to turn away.
Hermione felt rage welling up inside of her breast. She pulled out her wand.
"Myrtle?! You will answer my question or I will destroy this bathroom and you will be haunting a pile of rubble."
"Don't do that! Okay… I can probably go anywhere I want if I tried. I just never do."
"I need your help. Will you help me?"
Myrtle was surprised at that. The last time anyone asked for her help was five years ago when Harry questioned her about how she died. However, she could sense that what Hermione was going to ask for was something far different.
Myrtle timidly asked, "What kind of help?"
"I need you to go out into the forest and find Harry. Find him and tell me how he is doing. Do you understand?" she said as she began to shake, "I need to know what is happening out there in that awful place. Please do this?!"
Myrtle knew the difference between sanity and insanity. She was very aware that like herself, Hermione was precariously balanced between the two.
"I'll go. I'll go and look for Harry. I promise."
"Thank you," Hermione said as she tried hard to control the desperation that was choking the life from her. "I have to find Harry. If I could just find him then maybe…"
She turned around and walked out of the bathroom. Myrtle watched her leave.
"She's not long for this world," Myrtle whispered to herself.
--- ---
Hermione found herself in a strange cubby hole of a room. She had not seen this room before and that made her curious. She loved feeling curious, because it was the only other emotion she had that wasn't fear or despair. She walked in and looked around, the room appeared empty. The dust was so thick that each footstep she took left a clear impression. It made her feel like she was exploring some strange new place that no one had ever seen before. She closed the door behind her and reveled in the dark that surrounded her. She could not even see her hand right in front of her.
She took a few timid steps inside. A very dim light appeared at the other end of the room. She stepped towards it and saw a strange looking mirror hanging against the wall. She peered into it. She saw herself there, but she looked different somehow. She looked a little older than she was now. She was wearing a pretty gown and she appeared to be quite pregnant. In the mirror she was rubbing her belly and singing softly to her unborn child. Behind her stood a dark shadow. It was very imposing, almost frightening. The shadow stepped closer and wrapped its arms around her and held her hands from behind. The shadow was definitely a man, but she could not see his face. She then saw herself lean her head back and rest it quietly against the man's chest. Just staring at this image brought her a strange sense of awareness. Then she began to feel very odd inside. Almost a revulsion at what she was seeing. This represented something she knew deep down that she wanted. But somehow the thought of getting what she wanted made her feel angry. Every emotion that swept through her caused her anguish. She never knew how to react to her own feelings anymore. They disturbed her.
Hermione reached up and unbuttoned her school robes and let them fall to the floor. She then took off her shirt and shorts as well. Her bra and panties were the last to go and she laid them on top of the rest. She felt a chill being naked inside this forgotten room. She lowered herself to the ground and laid herself down in the thick dust. She began to rock from side to side and felt the dust caking on her back. Then she rolled herself over again and again, back and forth. Each time the dust would cling a little more to her skin. Her body was covered in it now. Her hair, her face, her arms, her breasts, her legs, everything from head to toe was coated in a thick layer of years gone by. The dust and cobwebs represented time passing and she had immersed herself in it as if she could become a part of it all.
She stood up and looked in the mirror again, this time it was different. For the first time in its history the Mirror of Erised showed absolutely nothing at all. It was empty. All she could see was a pretty, but strange girl completely covered in dust staring back at her. The mirror's faint light began to fade and left her seeing nothing at all. She put her clothes back on over her filthy skin and left the room never to return to it. If someone had gone in after her they would see nothing but footprints and body prints on the floor and a rather plain looking mirror with a large crack running all the way through it hanging from the wall.
--- ---
Hermione lay in the warm water of her bath. She looked down at herself and stared at her body. She thought back to a time when she would feel desire well up inside. It became so strong at times when she was with Harry. Now for some reason it was gone. There was nothing. She tried hard to think lurid thoughts, any thoughts, but they felt lifeless. She sighed and pulled herself out. She had gotten all the dust off and she felt a little hungry. She hoped it was not too late to swing by the great hall.
When she got there it was dark. Too much time had passed and everyone had already gone up to bed. She called out into the large room.
"Dobby? Are you there?"
Within a mere moment he appeared. "Yes, Dobby is here. Are you wanting anything? If Dobby can help you, it would please Dobby very much."
"I'm a bit hungry, is there anything left to eat," Hermione asked.
"Oh, Great Hall is closed and we are not supposed to be serving any more food tonight. Come with Dobby down to kitchens and Dobby will be making something for you there."
Hermione followed Dobby down to the elusive Hogwarts kitchens. There was a bustle of activity as the house-elves were busy cleaning up after the student's supper. None of them looked upset that she was there. Dobby sat Hermione down near a small wood table.
"What does Hermione Granger want?"
"I'm not really sure. Do you have any soup?"
"Hmmm, yes, leftover spicy artichoke soup. Do you want some? It is 'very' spicy."
"That sounds good. I'd like some."
Dobby brought out a wooden bowl full of the soup and a small spoon. Hermione blew on the soup and then tasted it. She could feel the warmth of the soup as it passed over her lips; strangely though the flavor on her tongue was very mild. Perhaps she had gotten soup from the top of the kettle, and the spices had settled to the bottom. She was not complaining; the soup made her feel better. For some reason she became exhausted and got up and headed to bed. She dreaded this time. She had to sleep, but when she did the nightmares came. She almost started crying when she thought about it, but no tears ever came. Hermione guessed that she had cried all the tears out of her and there was nothing to fill them back up again.
--- ---
She had barely closed her eyes when the dream came tonight. In the dream she was in the same bed, in the same room. She was wearing a soft, white nightgown that came down to just below her hips. She felt a cold wind blow across her face. She turned and realized that she had left the window open. She wanted to get up and close it, but she was too scared to move. She could hear something outside. Something terrible. Something violent. It was coming for her. She desperately wanted to run, but a part buried deep inside wanted to look it in the eye; so she could overcome the paralyzing horror that clawed at her mind. The sound of deep breathing could be heard just outside in the dark night. A strange growl, like a cross between an angry wolf and the echoing of distant thunder. She could feel sweat dripping off of her. It caused her gown to cling to her skin. Her whole body began to tremble and shake. She tried to hold herself still, but she was too far gone. She sat up shivering and pulled her knees to her chest and held them there with her arms. She tried to call out to someone, anyone. But no sound came from her mouth. She bit her lip so hard that she could taste the blood slide down her tongue. She swallowed and it was bitter to the taste.
The thing was climbing up the wall. Her heart began to thump so hard that it almost hurt. She could feel the beating inside of her ears. There was the sound of scraping claws against stone. Then total and complete silence. It was there, she knew it was, but every noise it made was swallowed by the sinister quiet. She began to breathe erratically and her throat made funny whimpering sounds. Her hands were so sweaty that she could no longer hold her legs up. So, she just sat there waiting to die. Then a dark figure rose up over the window sill and climbed into the room. She closed her eyes tightly. She couldn't bear to see it. She was too terrified. A single claw brushed against her belly and every muscle in her clinched. Her eyes opened and she saw a hideous creature, but at the same time it was not hideous. She blinked and she could see Harry standing over her. His body was bruised. His hair matted with sticks and leaves. He opened his mouth and his teeth were gnawed down to sharp, jagged rows. His deep, green eyes looked completely insane.
He spoke. "I've come for you Hermione."
Then he quickly sank his teeth and began to tear into her. His clawed hands cut like razors into her skin. Then he was on top of her and she awoke screaming as if she were dying. She looked around violently and her breathing had become hyperventilated. Ginny without saying a word had gotten up and come over. She crawled into bed with her and from behind wrapped her arms around Hermione's trembling body. She began to softly sing into Hermione's ear. The sweet lullaby filled her mind with a fleeting sense of peace. Hermione grabbed Ginny's arms and held them close to her.
"Please… don't go."
"I'm not going anywhere Hermione. Go to sleep. I'll hold you."
Ginny began singing again and after a few verses Hermione finally drifted back to sleep.