Her Silence Was Deafening
"Are you sure this is what you want to do? I mean you are so close to graduating. You only have a few more weeks Hermione. I cannot stress enough how this will adversely affect your opportunities."
"I appreciate your trying to help Professor McGonagall," Hermione replied.
"How about just dropping one or two of your classes?"
"No, my mind is made up. I'm not interested in being successful. I don't want to go out into that strange world that the rest of you live in. I'm sorry. Please excuse me, I have to go now."
Hermione stood up and silently left the room. McGonagall looked down at the paperwork in front of her. Ms. Granger had elected to be in only three classes. She signed up for Divination, specifically with Firenze. She asked Hagrid to teach a special topics class in Care of Magical Creatures, and she had asked to take a physical education class, something Hogwarts only began offering this year. These classes did not make sense at all. None of them were even in Hermione's areas of interest or expertise. Minerva decided she had better go and discuss this with Albus. It was not that Hermione was not within her rights, but she knew when something was very wrong.
--- ---
Hermione drifted through the school halls without saying a word to anyone. She could see the pity and sometimes fear in their faces. It meant nothing to her. She rarely was seen in the library anymore. If she was there, then her precision was surgical. She would walk in, find the book she needed, write down a note or two and leave as quickly as she came. She had learned to harness her intellect. She did not let her mind wander or study merely for the wasted joy of learning. Her topics of study were very narrow indeed. She would not let herself become distracted.
Hermione was beginning to realize the power of the human mind. What it was capable of when all of its energies were engaged in one purpose. Her thoughts had become a sharp blade, cutting everything down to its most primitive level and incorporating them into her understanding.
Lost in these thoughts, she accidentally bumped right into Draco Malfoy. He spun around ready to hurl an insult at her clumsiness, when he realized it was Hermione.
"Oh, it's you Granger. You look like hell." He almost stopped there, but then decided now was a good time to go on a rant.
"This is none of my business and I like it that way, but you are dangerously close to losing your attachment to reality. You only have a few friends left and you're doing everything possible to lose them. A word of friendly advice; open your eyes and do something before you end up disappearing altogether. Of course if you want to completely self-destruct then be my guest. It's not like it would mean a thing to me."
He started to walk away, but turned back. "I used to enjoy torturing you. Now, there's nothing left to torture. You're barely even alive."
With that, he left her standing there. She wanted to hate him, but she did not have the strength to pull that strong of an emotion out of her. She could hardly feel anything anymore. She wanted to so badly, but had no idea of where to even begin. She resumed along her original path. A moment later and she had already forgotten the whole thing happened.
--- ---
"Alright class, we're going to finish off the year with fitness training. This will take a lot of strength and dexterity. For those of you that are taking this as a filler, because Qudditch season is over; you are in for a rude surprise. This section of the class is gonna be tough."
Professor Algiers was a squib, but was a highly sought after physical trainer. Hermione knew he was only here for this year, to get the class started up. Then it would be handed off to a new teacher next year. He was not happy when he found out that she had been let in for only the last five weeks of class. Hermione assured him that she was here to take it seriously. He gave in and let her stay.
Before his warning even had a chance to sink in, the professor started them on a series of physically demanding drills. This was an aspect of her life that Hermione had long neglected. However, like everything else she did, she threw herself completely into it. She had even brought her mind into focus, and dedicated a great deal of her thoughts into how to best utilize her body for maximum benefit. She would accept nothing less than becoming physically fit and doing so in record time. She even asked Algiers if he would be willing to help her setup some exercises to practice before and after class. He seemed pleased at her dedication and told her that she was welcome to come down and join in with other classes whenever she had a free block. She accepted the invitation and intended to make the most of it.
--- ---
Hagrid was happy that Hermione had asked him to teach a special topics class. He had never done such a thing before and it made him feel good. Hermione felt bad for using Hagrid this way, but felt she had no choice.
"So, err, what exactly did you want the topic to be about?" Hagrid asked.
"Hagrid, I want you to teach me every last thing that you know about the creatures that live in the Forbidden Forest. You must not leave anything out. I need to know exactly what you know, and you only have five weeks to do it in. I am willing to put in as many hours as is necessary."
"Hermione, listen to me. There are a lot of creatures out there and I'm not sure I could teach you all that in only five weeks."
"You don't understand. This is not a matter of whether it can be done or not. I simply must do it, impossible or not. I'm all ears. I will listen to everything you have to say and I will soak it in as quickly as you can rattle it off. No papers, no tests, nothing but me hanging on your every word, until we're done."
Hagrid thought for a moment and then said, "I'd be happy to do this with you," he beamed.
He never even thought of taking on an apprentice before and certainly never guessed that Hermione would be one to want to learn what he knew. He was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth though.
"Alright then, we'd better get on it then. Let's start with spiders. As you know they come in all shapes and sizes, but we grow them big out here in the forest…"
--- ---
Divination class had ended, but Hermione had not heard a word that was spoken. Firenze noticed this and approached her.
"I agreed to let you into the class, because I am well aware of your sharp mind Ms. Granger. However, if you are going to come, I must insist that you at least listen to the lessons."
"I'm sorry. I have to be honest with you. I'm not here to learn divination. I'm here to learn about you."
"I'm not sure I am following you."
"I need to learn everything you can tell me about the forest. I'm not interested in the creatures there, I have a different source for that. What I need to know, only you can teach me. What is safe to eat and what is not? Are there places that are safer than others to sleep? Are there parts of the forest I need to avoid? How can I find fresh water there?"
Firenze lifted his hand. "These are odd requests indeed. Why would this interest a human girl like yourself?"
"At the end of the school year, I will be going there. I need to learn as much as I can, so I can survive."
"Ms. Granger, listen carefully, in the deepest forest you would not survive one night alone. There are things far more dangerous than Centaurs roaming the darkness."
"I have to go and I will go. The question is will you teach me what I need to know, or will you stay silent, ensuring that I will die out there?"
Firenze looked at Hermione and said, "You have backed me into a corner. I am not happy about this, but I will help you the best I can. The deal is this, I will teach you after class hours, but in return I expect you to come to my class and pay attention. Do you understand?"
"I do, and I will. I promise. I'll see you tomorrow Professor. Thank you."
--- ---
In the longest corridor, past the darkest corner lay an unknown room. Here she would come and sit on a large stone block, that had worked its way loose from the castle ceiling. She would listen to the wind as it whistled outside. There was always a sickly grayish light coming from where the stone had fallen from. She would lose herself in this faded space.
She wanted to get a firm grip on herself, before it became impossible to turn her life back around. The road she was on, would lead her to ruin. She knew it, but it was like trying to move a mountain by simply pushing on it.
Her behavior was at times disturbing, but her thoughts were far worse. She became intoxicated by the recesses of her psyche that she had feared to tread in the past. She embraced those things that made her peculiar to her peers. However, here in this place, she could do so without fear of rejection. Though, what others thought of her was becoming a burden she no longer bore. Soon, it would mean nothing at all. What then? What would that mean?
She lifted her robes up to her knees and stared at her bare feet. She wiggled her toes and fixated on their movement. She looked around the room again. There was no one else here, nor would there ever be. She lifted her robes to her hips and gently placed her hand between her legs. It was warm there and it felt good to trap her hand there, by squeezing her legs together as tightly as she could. She touched herself, but there was no pleasure in it. Few things gave her any pleasure. Hermione wanted to give her body a sense of release, but there was nothing she could do to force it to respond. She dropped her hands down and let them dangle over her toes. She touched them with the tips of her fingers and closed her eyes. This was not living. This was dying. She got up and worked her way back through the emptiness.
--- ---
Hermione was sitting on the couch in the Gryffindor common room. Ginny walked in and saw her there. She came over and sat on the couch next to her.
"I heard you dropped all your classes and signed up for new ones. Is that true?"
"Yes."
"Tell me why," Ginny said tensely.
Hermione not realizing the emotional state of her friend, answered in an offhanded tone, "You don't want to know."
A stinging pain fell across Hermione's face. Ginny without warning or hesitation slapped her quite hard.
"Dammit Hermione! I do want to know. I know that you believe that shutting me out is somehow a good thing to do, but you are hurting me. Do you understand that? You are 'hurting' me. You are also scaring me. No more secrets. You can lie or keep your mouth shut with everyone else, but not with me. Now look me in the eyes and tell me what you're doing."
Hermione rubbed her check were she had been hit. She knew she deserved it for the way that she had been treating Ginny lately. Especially when Ginny would be there for her when no one else would. Like at night when the nightmares would come.
"I'm getting ready."
"Ready for what?"
"To go into the forbidden forest and find Harry."
Ginny closed her eyes and shook her head. She opened them and tears were beginning to form.
Hermione continued, "The last time I asked Dumbledore about Harry he told me something that made me realize what I have to do."
Ginny stared at Hermione and began to tremble as the tears starting falling.
"He told me that he had sent three people to go and find Harry. None of them came back. They were found dead a few days later, killed by him. Harry is out there and he has lost his mind. I know him better than anyone else in this world. I have to go, I have no choice."
Ginny replied in a shaking voice, "Why do you want to do this? What do you have to gain? I mean what are you going to do if you find him anyway, kill him?"
Hermione could not bring herself to look in Ginny's eyes. Realizing that Hermione's silence spoke volumes; Ginny held her hand over her mouth in shock.
Hermione finally broke the silence, "I have to find him, because there's no one else."
She got up and left Ginny on the couch. It was getting late and she needed to eat. She was starving from pushing herself so hard. She went down to the kitchens and imposed on Dobby's kindness for some food, then came back up and went straight to bed. Tomorrow was going to be brutal. Then the next day she had to go to Hogsmeade with Ron and Luna. She almost laughed thinking that was going to be even harder then her new studies.