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Reflections
Mei Queen
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Authoress' Note- Just so nobody gets confused, this is a bridge chapter. I'm tired of writing in 1st Year, so this chapter kind of skips forward to show how the rivalry of James and Lily began, and then after that insight, we're going to fast forward to the beginning of 7th Year. Hope nobody minds.
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Chapter 5- Time Marches On
I think one thing that I, Lily Evans, have always prided myself on is the ability to retain friendships. I'm fiercely loyal and defensive of the ones I love. If someone gains my trust, they have to do something extremely severe to lose it. I'm pleased to report that Sophie Lestrange has never done anything to lose that trust, which is why we stayed friends long after First Year had come and gone. I also managed to stay on friendly terms with Remus Lupin, the long-time object of my wasted affections.
James Potter and the rest of the Marauders, however…well, that's a different story entirely.
Sophie and I managed to stay pretty good friends with the boys through the end of First Year…in fact; we were on downright good terms with them until one fateful night in the winter of 4th Year.
Sophie had long since gone to bed, but I was still scribbling frantically on my Defence Against the Dark Arts essay, trying to estimate its length at the same time. Only two more bloody centimetres to go…I can do this!
I was really…ambitious during this time in my life, because of my determination to get Prefect the following year, so I was actually writing about five centimetres more than was required by our professor. The extra bit can't hurt my chances.
I was nearing the end of the essay when I could have sworn I heard the portrait creak open. Looking back, I saw nobody there. Shrugging it off to the ancient castle and its peculiar sounds, I turned back to the firelight, hoping the right words to close out my essay would come to me.
Instead, looking in the fireplace, I found my thoughts drifting to someone else. To my great shock, that someone I was thinking about was James Potter. Normally, when the world was correctly spinning on its axis, this daydreaming time would be spent thinking about Remus Lupin, the gorgeous sandy blonde who was a sure bet for Prefect. But apparently the world was off-kilter today, as Potter, and not Remus, was the one drifting through my brain.
James Potter and I had always been on friendly terms since we had met on the train that first day of Hogwarts…but we had never been close. I could never tell exactly what it was, but something always kept us from being completely open with one another. It felt like there was some unsurpassed chasm of tension between us that neither really knew how to politely step around. I had noticed lately that he was acting more awkward than normal around me. He rarely addressed questions to me, seemed to flee a room whenever I entered it, and was a complete prat whenever he did respond to something I had to say. I didn't know what it was then, but looking back on my memories now, I can see that James was far from secretive with his feelings…even if he displayed them in a rather confusing and muddled manner.
Take what's about to happen, for instance- As I went back to my essay, I started to think I was hearing muffled footsteps passing behind the couch in the Common Room. But I couldn't see anything. So, passing it off as temporary insanity, I put the final touches to my essay and began packing up my things.
Then I heard a voice clear their throat from the Boys' Dorms.
James Potter's voice, to be exact.
"Um, Lily, can I talk to you for a moment?"
My eyebrow quirked slightly. "Er, yes, sure. Where did you come from, anyway?"
James waved his hand to signal that that small detail was far from important. He sat down in the chair opposite mine, hand in his hair and eyes focused intently on the floor. And then he didn't say anything.
We sat in silence for about two minutes before I began, "Er. You…wanted…to…talk to me?"
"Yes. I did," James replied, his eyes meeting mine.
Silence. Again.
"Well, are you going to talk?" I asked curiously, rather concerned for his mental health by this point, actually.
James looked around, seeming desperate to focus on anything but this conversation, before he grudgingly replied, "I don't know."
"Oh. Well, as long as we have that cleared up," I retorted irritably, slouching in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest.
His eyes seemed to get a renewed vigour in them as he arose from his chair and commanded, "Get up, Lily, I want to do something."
Okay, now I was positive he must be nuts. "Okay…" I replied slowly, allowing him to help me out of the chair.
Now we were face to face. There was barely the width of a Quaffle between two hormonally charged fourteen year olds. James' playful hazel eyes met my serious and frustrated emerald ones, and I noted with amusement that he gulped nervously at the closeness.
I was amused, however, until I realized what he was trying to do.
Without any real warning, he bent slightly so that we were at eye level, and pressed his lips to mine.
So many thoughts began flying through my head at that moment that I can only attempt to record them. These are a few that I remember: Mmm. What is he thinking? You don't just kiss someone because you feel like it! He smells lovely. You ask permission (at least that's what they do in all those lovely black and white movies)…or at the very least, give a little warning! Blimey, this is kind of nice. My mouth was open! How embarrassing is that?!
It felt like my head was having a battle between the sensible, frustrated side and the extremely content side.
Sensible and frustrated won out.
"Geroff me, Potter!" I said irritably, putting my hands to his chest to push him back. "You don't just kiss someone! You didn't even give me warning… or anything! What was that for?!"
James' face flushed a deep crimson. I was slightly shocked at his reaction actually; I couldn't recall suave James ever being embarrassed about anything. He said softly in reply, "I'm sorry, Lily. I was trying to tell you how I feel about you…how I've felt about you for quite awhile. But it came out…wrong."
My features softened. It was really sweet, actually, what he was trying to do. However, though the kiss was nice, I didn't really…feel for him that way.
"I appreciate your honesty, James," I said softly, my forehead crinkling as I tried to find the right words that would say what I needed them so desperately to. "But…but I have feelings for someone else. I've always seen you as a friend."
I could see the disappointment in his eyes. It was there, swimming at the surface, completely visible. If I had strained my eyes in the flickering firelight, I might've sworn that I could see his eyes getting dangerously glassy.
But I didn't want to know. So I didn't see. And I didn't know then that I had really hurt his feelings.
I didn't know how much James really cared when Remus Lupin asked me to be his date to the next Hogsmeade visit just a week after the kiss. I forgot all about that midnight kiss to see where a crush that I had had for over three years would lead me. I still, to this day, am not really sure why Remus asked me.
Either way, neither of us remembered why we had agreed when we got to Hogsmeade.
"So, this is lovely, isn't it?" I said softly, rubbing my gloved hands together in the hopes of escaping the dreary winter weather.
"Mmm, yes it is," Remus replied in equally dulcet tones, looking around as if to find some sort of inspiration for a conversation.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you go out with a friend of the opposite sex you can have a completely fabulous time, but throw the word "date" into that same equation and all that you get back are stutters, bad attempts at goodnight kisses, awkwardness, and no conversation?
Sadly, that is exactly what happened on my date with Remus Lupin.
"Um, well, where would you like to go?" I asked, hoping for a somewhat long response, something that I could bounce replies off of.
"Uh. I guess there's Three Broomsticks for butterbeer, we could go to Scrivenshaft's for quills, of course there's Zonko's Joke Shop…Shrieking Shack, Madame Puddifoot's, The Hog's Head…"
"Well, now that we know every establishment in the surrounding area," I said with a nervous laugh, my cheeks colouring slightly. Why was this so hard?
Remus' cheeks coloured slightly. "I'm up for whatever you are."
I sighed. Of course. I had to pick. Fantastic. "How about a butterbeer? It's terribly cold out."
"Lead the way," he replied, relieved that we had at least figured this part of the date out.
When the door closed to the Three Broomsticks, we realized just how many students had had the same idea. There was not an empty booth inside.
"Oi! Remus! Over here!" I heard from the corner of the pub.
Looking over, I saw the remainder of the "Marauders" (what James, Sirius, Peter and Remus all called themselves) sitting cosily in a booth.
James' eyes met mine. "Why aren't you with Sophie, Alice, and Emmeline?" he asked softly. He seemed terrified to know the answer.
I opened my mouth to speak, but found that the words just weren't coming. I didn't want to hurt him.
Remus, however, had no idea of the late night kiss a few weeks ago, and simply blurted, "We're on a date. Are you sure it's okay to sit with my mates, Lily? We could go somewhere else if you like."
I felt my throat constrict slightly as I watched James' face cloud over in a deadly expression. "Um. It's fine. I guess," I said softly, sliding into the booth.
Remus, Sirius and Peter quickly became animated in speculating each of the houses' odds for the Quidditch Cup that year, and I turned to James, whom I was sitting directly across from.
James leaned forward slightly so that only I could hear what he was saying. "Well, gee, Lily. I had no idea that you turned me down in order to stab me in the back with one of my best mates here. I mean, you could have just simply declined or called me repulsive; instead you actually had to go through the trouble of leading on poor Lupin here? That's vile."
His words were absolutely biting, and I won't deny it- they hurt like hell. I didn't deserve this. Not from him, anyway.
My eyes blazed in fury as I looked him up and down, from his mussed raven locks to his slightly crooked glasses, down to his wrinkled day clothes. "Potter. I don't know where you get the idea that the world revolves around you- probably from some well-meaning but slightly mislead parenting, but it doesn't. Remus asked me. I saw no reason to decline. You, may I remind you, never asked me out on anything, because you were stuttering so much! I…I don't need this from you, alright?"
I looked in my lap to see that my fists were balled, and my knuckles were beginning to turn the palest white from the tension. Glancing up at the group, I noticed that Sirius, Peter and Remus had long ago stopped talking about Quidditch probabilities, and had heard every single word that I said to Potter.
"Oh, Merlin," I said softly, under my breath.
I just didn't know what to do. James was still focused on me with what can only be described as loathing, Remus looked completely confused, and Peter and Sirius were looking from James to me to Remus, trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't answer any questions. I just couldn't.
"Thank you for a lovely time, Remus, but…I really must be going," I mumbled before bolting for the door.
I don't know how that Hogsmeade visit went for the rest of the class, but mine was spent battling a blizzard on a long walk back to Hogwarts.
And so ended the almost-friendship between me and James Potter. Remus and I agreed that friendship was really the only way to go for us, but that didn't stop James from being insanely jealous. I heard from Remus that James wouldn't speak to him for almost two weeks. Well, Remus had a better time of it than I did. James seemed to think that I loathed his existence, a fact that is actually far from the truth. But it was what it was- a huge misunderstanding that both of us were much too stubborn to correct. And so, James' jealousy kept most boys from entering a Quidditch Pitch radius of me, and he would only speak to me himself to go through his biweekly ordeal of asking me out. He had made it a point to definitely ask after I had shown him that day in Hogsmeade that he never had. It had almost become a compulsive obsession. It was extremely annoying. He only did it for the attention, as far as I was concerned.
Remus and I worked together for the next two years as the Gryffindor prefects. It was really fun working with him, but I was thrilled to have gotten over my crush on him as he wasn't extremely reliable. He was constantly sick, meaning that I had to pick up the slack, a fact for which he constantly apologized. But everyone was up for a shock when we met at the Hogwarts Express, ready to board for our 7th Year at Hogwarts.
I honestly can not tell you the logic behind the seventh year appointments.
I heard footsteps behind me on the platform as I attempted to manoeuvre my cart through the sea of students, Head Girl badge pinned in obvious view to my chest. I turned quickly to see who was trying to ambush me. It was Remus Lupin, and his friends appeared nowhere to be seen.
Throwing my arms around his neck, I asked quickly, "How was your holiday?"
Remus patted my back and smiled at me. "It was pretty decent," he replied, finally letting go of our hug. "How was yours?"
I smiled. "Not too bad, and this badge didn't hurt things," I said jokingly, flashing it his way.
His jaw dropped. "Oh. Wow. Well, we're in for an interesting year, then."
My eyes clouded and I could feel my throat constricting rapidly. "You…you don't mean what I think you mean, do you?"
I felt like I was honestly going to faint, right there on the platform.
Remus returned my glance apologetically.
"But…don't you have to be a Prefect to be Head Boy?" I asked with irritation.
"Apparently not," a voice drawled lazily from behind me. It was James Potter himself, with, sure enough, Head Boy badge fastened primly to his chest.
"This can't be happening to me. Not after I've worked so hard. Only to end up with you! I really wouldn't have complained if I had gotten any Slytherin. Hell, Snape would probably have been a better choice."
"I resent that, Evans," James said irritably, looking down at me.
I began to breathe deeply, in and out. It was the only way to calm myself down when I felt so much on the verge of a breakdown. Where was Sophie? She was the only person who could calm me down when I got like this.
But, fashionably late as she always is, she wasn't there yet. Walking away from the pair and beginning to resolutely heave my cart onto the train, I panted slightly. Bugger, this thing was heavy. Where was Remus? He always helped me with this stupid thing.
But Remus Lupin was nowhere to be seen. As cruel fate would have it, the only face I knew in the sea of unfamiliar was that of James Potter, Head Boy Extraordinaire. "Do you need help?" he asked curiously, walking up to me.
Normally I would have rejected the offer with my most scathing tone. But I really couldn't lift the trunk alone, and Potter was normally never nice enough to notice when I needed help. "Yeah, sure, that would be great," I said softly, meeting his hazel eyes. Those eyes hadn't changed at all, they still looked exactly the same as I remembered from that night in 4th Year…seemingly okay, but distressed if you looked any closer.
The trunk was on the train quickly, with little or no help from me.
"Thank you," I said softly, nodding my head in what I hoped was a gracious gesture.
"Do you need any help getting it to your compartment?" he asked sweetly in reply.
Okay. Who out there is playing a sadistic trick on me with some Polyjuice? There is no bloody way that Potter would not only help lift my trunk onto the train, but help me to the compartment and lift it onto the luggage rack. No bloody way.
My eyes widened slightly at his gracious offer. "Um. Sure, I s'pose."
"Where are you sitting at? Is Sophie on here yet?"
"Hah. Sophie, be on time for anything? Never. It's so much more of a grand tradition for her to stride in at 11:01 and debate with the conductor about whether she should be allowed on the train. She always wins, every time…mainly because she threatens to have her father dock their pay."
James snorted in reply, carefully manoeuvring my trunk through a pack of lost-looking 1st Years who were clogging up the hallway. "Yeah, I remember those days," he said, softly chuckling.
"You used to do that, too?" I said with a smile, my eyes lighting up with laughter. I mean, I always knew that the Potters were a powerful wizarding family. Books and endless news articles had been written about them. But, I guess it never occurred to me that there was a time in James' childhood when he used his name to get himself places. He always seemed like the "make your own way, no matter how difficult the path may be" type to me.
"It was a long time ago, before we got into Hogwarts," James said with a smile, fondly remembering those days. "I used to idolize my dad, and anytime I could, I'd mention his name. Naturally, that would cause people to go into a round of stuttering and 'those Potters?'"
"Oh wow," I said quietly. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must have been like, having a name that powerful.
"Yeah, I prefer how my life is now though. Causing mischief amuses me, because the classes are never really that difficult."
I snorted. "What do your parents think of that?" I asked, arbitrarily picking a compartment.
"They're used to the nearly weekly owls informing them of various pranks I've committed. My mum worries for me, my dad gets a chuckle out of some of the daring things that I do. Both of them really can't disown me though, I'm an only child, so they have to love me no matter what," he finished with a grin, heaving my trunk onto the luggage rack.
I couldn't believe it. I had just had a completely civil conversation with James Potter.
"Well, thanks," I said with a smile, motioning to the trunk.
"You're welcome," he replied. "I'll see you up front for the Prefects' meeting later, then?"
I smiled in return. "See you then."