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Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes by mysticdueler
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Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes

mysticdueler

A/N: Ooookay . . . I know it's been a long, long, long while since you last heard from me on this one, and I am sorry about that. However, I figured that it would be more greatly appreciated if I updated Re-Awakening than this one. That's not to say I don't care about this one, just that I had slightly higher priorities. Rest assured, however, that I will not be giving up on this piece. I intend to see it through.

Disclaimer: The hip bone's connected to the . . . femur. The femur's connected to the . . . knee bone. The knee bone's connected to the . . . whoops! Wrong pointless banter. Ah, here it is! Hmm-hmm. I hereby state that the following work is fanfiction, meaning it is not mine, nor am I making any money off of it. This was made purely for entertainment purposes, and should be read as such. So, please don't sue. Now, on with the show (hip bone's connected to the . . . femur . . . .).

The Plan

As Hermione dragged Harry through the halls, Harry thought he'd try his case one more time. "Listen, Hermione, I don't think Dumbledore needs to be involved in this. I mean, he already - "

"Harry!" Hermione was silent as they rounded another corner, passing a couple of students. "Harry," Hermione began again once she had checked that they were clear, "I told you already, there's nothing I could possibly do to help you, and certainly not for an entire week. It's frankly beyond me!"

"But, Hermione - "

"No, Harry! Besides," Hermione said, turning right, "we're here." Sure enough, just down the hallway Harry could see the stone gargoyle that marked the entrance to Dumbledore's office. When Harry saw who was standing next to the statue, she gave a strangled cry, grabbed the back of Hermione's robes and, before Hermione had taken a step, pulled them both back around the corner they had come from.

"Hey! Let go of me! What's the big idea?"

"Shh!" Harry poked his head around the corner to see if they had been spotted.

"Harry, what's going on?"

"It's Snape."

"What?"

"Snape. He's standing in front of the gargoyle. Now how am I going to see Dumbledore?!"

"Quite simple," came a voice from behind Harry.

"Oh, really? Harry began to turn around as he continued, "And how do you suppose we - O-oh. H-hello Professor Dumbledore, sir." For Harry was now standing face-to-face with Dumbledore, and it was him that had spoken.

Smiling, and with his blue eyes twinkling, Dumbledore said, "Now that you've seen me, what else may I do for you Miss . . ."

Harry could only stutter at being caught so off guard. "Um - uh - um - I - er - I mean - " Stepping in front of Harry, Hermione cut off his rambling.

"Professor, my friend Har-r-riet and I need to speak with you. Privately. Dumbledore took one shrewd look at Hermione, then at Harry, who was trying his best to hide behind Hermione.

"Very well. Follow me, ladies." Harry looked around, confused, until he remembered his current situation and fell into step after Hermione, a groan barely suppressed. As the three rounded the corner and approached the gargoyle, they found Snape waiting, and in an apparently impatient mood.

"Headmaster!" Snape began walking forward to meet them. "There has been a most heinous crime committed! One of my prize students, indeed one of Hogwart's finest, has just been viciously assaulted in Hogsmeade by a fellow student." Dumbledore's eyes hardened slightly.

"Who was it, Severus? What happened?"

"Draco Malfoy was approached by a half-blood female, who then attacked him. Albus," Snape said, leaning closer, "I have reason to believe the assault was also sexual in nature. It would appear that she approached Draco wanting . . . intercourse. When Draco refused her advances, she then tried to force him. Draco is in the hospital wing." Snape paused, the air heavy. "As you very well know, Albus, this will not only mean immediate expulsion, but possible Ministry involvement as well. I want the attacker, I want her now, and I want her gone." Snape stepped back, glaring as if daring anyone to defy him.

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Rest assured, Severus, I shall personally conduct a thorough investigation. Now, is there any other information you can give me?"

"We're most likely looking for a sixth or seventh year student. According to Draco's description, she is just under one and a half meters tall, with long black hair and green eyes." Standing once more behind Hermione, Harry shifted nervously, his stomach tied in knots. If Snape recognized him, he was done for . . .

"Thank you, Severus. If anything develops, I will inform you right away." With a curt nod, Snape spun on his heel and marched away, black cloak billowing behind him. Harry let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He wasn't left with much time for relief, however, as Dumbledore and Hermione started toward the gargoyle again immediately. Harry was worrying so intently about what was to happen in Dumbledore's office that he almost walked right past it; indeed he would have if Hermione hadn't grabbed his arm.

"Hmm, let's see . . . Ah, yes. Puking Pastilles." Harry could only stare at Dumbledore incredulously. Seeing Harry, Dumbledore smiled, his eyes returned to their normal sparkling state, before explaining. "A creation of the Weasley twins. Quite an amusing treat, actually. Very entertaining." As Harry and Hermione got on the rotating staircase behind Dumbledore, he turned to face them and asked, "Now, what was it you wanted to discuss, Miss Granger and, Harriet was it?" Before Harry had a chance to say anything, Hermione spoke.

"Well, you see, Professor, Harriet is the problem."

`Thanks a lot, Hermione,' Harry thought, doing his best to control herself. The sound of the door closing, however seemed to snap something in Harry. `Screw it.'

"Thanks a lot, Hermione."

"Harry, I told you already, I can't help you! Dumbledore is the only person we can turn to."

"I am afraid I do not entirely follow you two." Harry and Hermione faced Dumbledore, having quite forgotten he was there. "What is it that only I may do, and why did you call Harriet `Harry'?"

Harry pressed his palms into his temples and then rubbed his eyes. `Man, I really don't want to do this. I really, really don't want to do this. But . . . Hermione's right, of course. She's always right.' Harry took a deep breath. `Whew, okay, let's get this over with.' Letting his breath out in a sigh, Harry dropped his arms and looked up at Dumbledore. "Because, sir, it is me." Seeing Dumbledore's nonplussed look, Harry lifted her bangs up of her forehead, revealing his scar. Dumbledore's eyes widened, before he turned, walked behind his desk, sat down, and summarily shoved several lemon drops into his mouth at once.

After a brief moment of silence, Dumbledore spoke. "This certainly is quite the . . . development. Please, if you don't mind, please explain to me exactly how it is the Boy-Who-Lived is now the Girl-Who-Lived."

"Well, it all started with a letter from Fred and George Weasley . . ." And so Harry told Dumbledore the details of his meeting with the Twins, ending with, "And now I'm stuck like this for a week!" By this point Harry had taken up pacing back and forth, his arms waving wildly. Having finished her rant, Harry stopped and looked over at Dumbledore, who sat with his blue eyes twinkling and the hint of a smile beneath his beard.

"What? What is it?" Harry asked. "I know that look, Dumbledore. What are you scheming?"

"Now, now, Harry. I'm not `scheming' anything, as you so put it. Just merely thinking of what to do with you." At this point, Dumbledore's eyes were almost sparkling.

"And what would that be?" Harry asked cautiously. He definitely did not like the way things were going. `I knew this was a bad idea.'

"I haven't decided yet, but I do have an idea." Harry groaned inwardly. "For now, let us focus on creating your new background." Dumbledore stood up and walked to the side of his desk. "If you are going to remain a student here at Hogwarts, I suggest you wear attire appropriate for a school setting."

"What do you mean, Professor? What's wrong with my clothes?"

"Um, Harry?" Hermione stepped forward slightly. "Your clothes may have been fine when you were a boy, but, well, they aren't quite as . . . effective, now that you're a girl." Harry still looked slightly confused. His clothes were on, everything important was covered. So what was the problem?

"Perhaps a visual aid would be better," said Dumbledore as he waved his wand, causing a full length mirror to appear. Harry stepped closer and looked at his reflection. `Oh' was the only word that came to mind. Harry's clothes, which had always been rather baggy on him, were now positively loose. Harry's shirt was so wide and low that most of her shoulders were exposed, and Harry guessed that when he bent over, he would be showing more that she wanted. Since Harry wasn't aware he would be changing sexes later that day, he hadn't worn anything under his shirt, the result of which was clearly visible in the brisk autumn air. His jeans had slipped a considerable amount, and were riding so low they almost fell off. A red-faced Harry quickly whipped up his Hogwarts robe and wrapped it around himself.

"Exactly." Harry turned his head to look at Dumbledore, who still had that irritating smile on his face. "Let's fix you up, shall we?" Without waiting for Harry to even move, Dumbledore had his wand up and moving. After a few wild flicks, swishes and jabs, Harry was wearing a whole new wardrobe. The only difference now between her and Hermione was the emblem; Hermione had the Gryffindor emblem while Harry's looked more like the crest of Hogwarts. "There, much better, don't you think?" Harry merely glared at Dumbledore.

"Now, let us give you a name." Dumbledore looked at Harry for a moment with one hand stroking his long beard. "Miss Granger?" he said, looking up at Hermione.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Would you care to assist an old man with a most unusual challenge?" Hermione nodded, before scrunching her forehead in deep thought, studying Harry like one of her prized textbooks. After several minutes, she looked back at Dumbledore.

"What about . . . Mary Jane Porter?" Dumbledore dismissed Hermione's suggestion with a wave of his hand. "No. Clever, but it's too similar to Harry's real name." There was another moment's silence. "Miss Granger, what was it you called Harry earlier, in the hallway?"

"Harriet, Professor Dumbledore." Dumbledore seemed to think for a moment before he looked at Harry, a smile clearly visible.

"Harriet Lillify." Hermione seemed confused for a moment, before here eyes widened and she smiled, too.

"Brilliant, Professor." Harry was completely confused; Dumbledore and Hermione obviously knew something, but Harry was lost as to what it was. Before he could ask, however, Dumbledore spoke again.

"Thank you, Miss Granger. My brain surprises even me sometimes. And, with that done, you may go. Harry, since your, ah, incident, we will begin today's lesson now, in order to prevent anyone else from finding out about you." As Hermione was opening the door, Dumbledore called her. "Remember, from this point out we are to refer to Harry as `Harriet'."

"Right, Professor. See you later, Harriet. Good luck with your Occlumency training!" With that, Hermione disappeared, the door creaking closed behind her. Harry stood, looking at the door where Hermione had last been.

`What have I just gotten myself into?'

"Harry, before we begin our lesson, I would like to ask you something." Harry turned and sat down in front of Dumbledore, noticing the grave tone his voice carried.

"What is it, sir?"

"I happened to notice that many of Professor Snape's descriptions seemed to fit you, to a T. You wouldn't happen to have had anything to do with the assault, would you?" Harry locked eyes with Dumbledore, and somehow, Harry realized that Dumbledore already knew.

"Sir, I swear I it wasn't my fault! It was all Malfoy. He was the one - ' Dumbledore held up his hand, silencing Harry.

"Calm down, Harry. I won't pass judgment until I've heard what you have to say. Somehow, I believe that Mr. Malfoy may have . . . skewed the facts." Harry was slightly relieved; at least he wasn't expelled (yet). Taking a deep breath, Harry began to recount his meeting with Malfoy, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes while he spoke. When he finished, Harry finally looked up at Dumbledore, curious and yet afraid to see what would happen.

Dumbledore sighed, and for a brief moment his age seemed to catch up with him. "I see. Unfortunately, Harry, there were no witnesses, and the only evidence is your testimony versus his. There isn't much I can do." Seeing Harry's sullen look, he added, "Rest assured, though, that measures will be taken. Draco Malfoy will be punished." The next several minutes were spent in silence, Dumbledore closely watching Harry for her reaction.

After seeing nothing, Dumbledore asked, "Harry, are you ready for the lesson, or would you like to wait?" Harry was silent for a moment, before he nodded his head.

"I'm ready, Professor." Dumbledore stood and waved his wand, the door sealed itself and the noises of the castle faded into nothingness. Harry and Dumbledore squared away, facing each other. Clearing his mind, Harry said, "Whenever you're ready."

"Excellent! Let's begin. Legilimens!"

*****

Harry was walking toward the Great Hall and dinner, his head throbbing slightly. His lesson had been intense, yet satisfying. He had managed to block out Dumbledore for almost half an hour before Dumbledore finally wore him out. The result was a headache, which had subsided down to a dull twinge. After the lesson, Harry had retreated to the quiet of the library, where he spent the remainder of the afternoon attempting to do his homework. He gave up when the rumbling in his stomach became louder than the pounding in his head.

As he approached the doors of the Great Hall, Harry heard the noise and chatter dying down and Dumbledore's voice ring out. Curious as to what the announcement might be, Harry hurried into the Great Hall.

"Ah, perfect timing. Students and faculty, allow me to introduce you to Harriet Lillify, an exchange student that will be staying with us for the next week." Harry froze on the spot; Dumbledore was standing, the same smile on his face from earlier, and the entire student body was staring at her. "Harriet is returning briefly to England after having moved with her family to the United States several years ago." At this there was a rush of whispers before silence fell again as Dumbledore spoke.

"During the day, one female student will be Harriet's guide to Hogwarts, with a different girl every day. Harriet will follow the selected students around their individual classes, learning all of what Hogwarts has to offer." Harry blinked a few times. What was Dumbledore up to?

"Furthermore, each night Harriet will sleep in the House dormitory of her guide for the day. Harriet will begin with Miss Pansy Parkinson from Slytherin, - "

`WHAT!!'

" - followed by Miss Lisa Turpin from Ravenclaw, Miss Susan Bones from Hufflepuff, and finally, Miss Hermione Granger from Gryffindor."

`DUMBLEDORE!! You daft, dippy, ding-batty, bloody, barmy old codger!' Harry had his fists clenched, and was doing his best not to curse Dumbledore. Under his breath, Harry swore, "Mark my words, Old Man, I'll get you back for this!"

"I hope you will all show Harriet what makes Hogwarts one of the premiere schools of magic. Thank you. And now, tuck in!" As the food appeared, Harry glared at Dumbledore, who seemed to almost have a smug smile hidden behind his beard. Glumly, Harry made his way over to the Slytherin table, noticing with a small feeling of satisfaction that Malfoy was missing. Harry sat down at one of the few empty spaces available, which, of course, happened to be smack between Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode. As he sat down, Harry received contemptuous glares from both girls. Harry looked back up at Dumbledore, who was engaged in conversation with Professor McGonagall.

`Oh, Dumbledore, you are really gonna pay for this!' Harry sighed and began to serve himself, hoping against hope that he would be able to survive the next week with his sanity, dignity, or both still intact.


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