Accio Memory 4
At some point during Harry's life story, Hermione had sunken onto a desk in the empty classroom he'd led them into, and as he finished, Hermione found her fingers gripping the desk's wooden edge tightly.
"You've spent the last seven years battling the most powerful evil wizard in history and now you're destined to kill him. That's what you're telling me?" Hermione paraphrased faintly.
Harry nodded, leaning against the desk beside hers. "It's crazy, I know. I guess that's partly why I didn't tell you - there was so much to explain, and you knew nothing of the magical world, and you were confused already..."
"I understand," Hermione said quietly. "It's…it's quite a lot to process, certainly. I must say, I don't envy you."
Harry laughed dryly. "And thank Merlin for that. I get enough envy from other people."
Hermione looked at him and began to fully understand the person he was, knowing now the life that had shaped him. He was in many ways the typical hero - burdened with a destiny he didn't particularly want, longing to be normal, forced into the isolation of fame.
And all he'd ever wanted was to be loved - not as the Boy Who Lived, but as Harry.
As she looked at Harry - who stood staring at his hands, as if waiting to be rejected - she felt her chest swell with tenderness, a familiar feeling that she must have had a thousand times before for this boy. This extraordinary boy whom she loved, with or without memories, and who, for some reason, loved her as well.
Acting on instinct, she stood and hugged Harry. He tensed momentarily before bringing his arms around her, pulling her closer.
"I don't really know how to react to all of this," Hermione told him, "but I meant what I said. I can't change how I feel about you, even if I can't remember you or why I feel this way. I still know you on some level, and I still feel things around you that you can't possibly feel for a person you've only known for a few days. I still love you, Harry. You should know that."
She felt Harry's hand moving up her back, finally coming to rest at the nape of her neck, holding her in place as if she wasn't already captivated by the look on his face.
"I didn't know how much I needed to hear that until you said it. I was so worried about what might happen to you without your memories…what might happen if you didn't get them back…that I barely stopped to think about what would happen to me if I lost you - if I lost your - your love."
Hermione blinked back tears. "Harry…"
Harry's eyes dropped to her lips and she knew right away what he was going to do. Her body reached for his automatically, as if it knew something she didn't, but that was all right. At the moment, she trusted her body far more than her mind.
Hermione stretched her body up toward his as he leaned forward, and her heart pounded painfully in her chest as their lips touched.
~
What are you doing? Idiot! You can't do this to her - she doesn't know what she's getting into. She has no idea what she wanted before…she doesn't completely understand who you are…
But, oh, Merlin, she's beautiful…
Hermione smiled as he pulled away. "I knew you must feel the same way," she said, looking so happy and so lovely that Harry couldn't bring himself to take it back.
"We should get you back to the hospital wing," Harry said, pulling away from her. "Wouldn't want Madame Pomfrey waking up and finding you out of your bed."
Hermione nodded, and Harry knew by her expression that he'd disappointed her, but he couldn't do anything else. He had to leave room for her to back out of this if she changed her mind once she remembered who he was and who she had been. Harry took her hand and led her out into the corridors, creeping silently through the castle until they reached the hospital wing and Harry saw her into her bed.
Hermione smiled warmly at him as she settled back against her pillows.
"Will you come to see me tomorrow?" she asked as though worried he wouldn't.
"Of course," Harry replied, still feeling guilty for having allowed himself to kiss her. Fine way to protect her, Potter - who knows what kind of mess this will leave when she's back to her normal self?
"All right. Goodnight, then."
"Goodnight," he said, quickly kissing her forehead before he quietly left the room.
~
Late the next evening, Harry found himself completing a rather time-consuming request that Hermione had given him earlier.
"I want you to show me around the castle," she had said. "I need to know where to go to find you if I need to - and where not to go on my way there as well. I don't fancy running into that…Malfoy, was it? Or anyone like him again."
"That's probably for the best," Harry had been forced to agree, "but I don't want you coming after me unless it's an absolute necessity. Now that Malfoy knows you're missing your memories, he'll have told a lot of people, and they're going to try to take advantage of that."
Hermione nodded grimly. "I know."
Now Harry was leading her through the castle, showing her the dungeons - "Avoid those at all cost. That's where the Slytherins live. Very nasty lot." - the Great Hall, the library - "The library! It looks huge…you must take me soon. I want to try to research that potion Ron slipped me…" - the upper floors, and finally, the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.
"If you ever need me," Harry told her, "I'll be in here."
"I don't understand. What are all these funny names you keep mentioning? Gryffindor, and Slytherins…what are they?"
Harry mentally smacked himself on the forehead and explained the four houses to her. "Gryffindor is the house we were sorted into. Come on, I'll show you the common room."
Harry gave the password and helped Hermione inside. She eyed the room appraisingly. "It's very nice. Looks cozy."
Harry smiled. "Yeah. It's more like home than any I've ever had." He cleared his throat, cutting off that thread of conversation. "Anyway, over there, those stairs - those lead up to the dormitories. Boys to the left, girls to the right. If you need to find me at night, I'm in the seventh year room - you'll be able to find it easily, it's the one with a big 7 on the door. My bed's the second to the left."
Hermione smirked. "Planning on me visiting your bed, are you?"
"Hermione!"
She laughed. "You looked just like a fish just then, I hope you know, the way you were gaping at me."
Harry rolled his eyes and began to lead her back out. Her suggestion was entirely too flirtatious and likewise, entirely too tempting, making him irritable that he couldn't take her up on it - and even more irritable that he couldn't stop himself from wanting to.
"We're leaving? Already?" she asked, surprised.
"Well, what else are we going to do here?" he questioned, looking around at the assortment of chairs and sofas.
"Well, we could sit awhile on one of those nice, cozy couches," she suggested in an oddly coy manner that made Harry immensely suspicious. She couldn't want to study, could she? There were no books. What else are we going to…oh.
"Um, Hermione, if you're talking about what I think you're talking about, we should really go somewhere else. Anyone could come downstairs and see…"
"Well then," Hermione said, going to the portrait hole. "Where do you have in mind?"
Harry contemplated the matter. If he took Hermione somewhere, they would likely find themselves in a round of heavy snogging, something that Harry had hoped to avoid until Hermione's memories returned. A peck here and there to keep her - and himself, he had to admit - satisfied, but no more. But what if her memories never return? Are we going to wait forever?
"Er…follow me. I know a place."
~
An hour later Harry was trapped on a bed in the Room of Requirement - and what a perverted room it was, thinking they'd need a bed for what they were there to do - with Hermione asleep on his very numb arm.
Harry wondered if he should talk to her about their situation. He didn't really doubt that this Hermione loved him - no more than he could help himself from doubting, given his past - and if those emotions, as she believed, were always there, then the old Hermione must have loved him, too…which made him wonder why she was kissing him now and hadn't then.
Surely she'd known how he'd felt about her before, if it had been obvious enough for Hermione to pick up on it without knowing a thing about him. Why hadn't she done anything, then, if she'd known their feelings were mutual?
Hermione must have had a reason for abstaining, and Harry knew it. He also knew how completely pissed off she would be if she got the impression that he was trying to decide her love life for her.
What a ruddy idiot I am, kissing her in the first place. I should have just backed away last night…then we wouldn't be in this mess.
Hermione began to stir, stretching against him and nuzzling his neck in a way that made him completely forget about whatever he'd been thinking about.
"Can we just stay here?" she asked sleepily. "I don't want to go back to the hospital wing."
"Madame Pomfrey will have a heart attack if you're not there in the morning."
"You said this room would provide anything you needed, didn't you? Ask it for an alarm clock," Hermione muttered.
"I'm still not sure it's a good idea," Harry said as a clock materialized on the bedside table.
"Why not? You said this was the best place in the castle to hide - surely we're safe here. Besides, I know I'm safe with you. As long as I'm back on time, I don't see what the problem is."
Harry swallowed. I'm awful. Completely awful. "Hermione, it's not that…what I mean is, I'm not sure if us, here, doing this is a good idea."
"What…why? I don't understand, just awhile ago you -"
"I know," Harry interrupted her quickly, desperate to get the injured look off her face. "It's not that I don't want to be with you or that I've changed my mind - the only problem with this is that you don't remember the last seven years."
Hermione sat up and shook her head at him. "But Harry, I told you, I know I loved you before this -"
"I know," Harry said again. "I believe you, I do. What worries me is that if you loved me before, and you didn't do anything about it, you might have had a good reason for it. I don't want you to regret this once your memories return…I don't want to risk losing you later on because I couldn't control myself now."
Hermione sighed and her face shifted to her all too familiar patiently understanding expression. "Harry…I don't know what I was thinking before. Maybe I didn't know how you felt and I was too afraid to take a risk, and if that's not the case…then I don't know why I didn't do anything. I can't imagine why. But I'm absolutely sure that in my heart, I want this. I wouldn't be here with you if I had the slightest doubt that this was right. Can you trust that, Harry?"
Contemplating, Harry looked at her. Her hair was adorably mussed from their earlier activities and her nap afterward, her lips were a darker pink than usual, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were wide and dark and imploring. Did you really think you could walk away from her after you'd had a taste?
"I trust you."
Hermione's face lit up in a smile. "Don't worry. If I try to back out of this later, I'll talk some sense into myself."
Harry laughed. "I don't know. You can be rather stubborn."
She swatted him on the arm and settled down beside him once more. "Set the alarm and go to sleep, you git."
"Mmm, I may be a git, but I'm a lovable git," Harry muttered as he reached for the alarm clock and found it was already set to the proper time. Hermione answered with a chuckle and a, "We'll see about that," as he pulled the blankets up over them and the Room considerately turned out the lights for them.
~
Both fortunately and unfortunately for Harry, the next day was Saturday. Under normal circumstances, he would have been able to sleep in as he very much needed to do after a night like the night Hermione had put him through. Hermione, however, had other plans.
"I want to do a full day's research," Hermione had insisted. "We have to get an early start! Let's try to get there as soon as the library opens."
And so Harry found himself in a very familiar situation - following Hermione around the library, half-asleep, while she searched for books.
"What, exactly, are you looking for?"
"Books on coffee and other stimulants," Hermione answered readily. "Madame Pomfrey believes that having the potion in my coffee multiplied the effects. If that's the case, it's possible that we can find away to reverse the effects of the potion without any more legilimency, if we can simple reverse the effects of the potion and find a way to compensate for the effects of the coffee…"
"Why don't you just put the counter-potion in coffee?"
Hermione turned and frowned thoughtfully at him. "You know, that's a thought…"
Harry's favorite bookworm quickly accumulated a gigantic stack of books, which his chivalrous nature demanded that he carry back to Hermione's table. Harry watched her with a nostalgic smile as she began flipping voraciously through the first book.
Moments later she looked up, seemingly amused to find him still standing there. "Why don't you look these up?" she suggested, handing him a list on a sheet of parchment. "They're the ingredients that were in the potion."
Harry acquiesced and went off to find yet another stack of books. Normally he would have complained just a little bit at the prospect of having to do any of the researching bit himself. He still didn't fancy the idea, but it was for Hermione, he reminded himself.
When Harry returned half an hour later, laden with books, Hermione was looking very pleased with herself.
"Did you find something?" Harry asked, gladly dropping the pile on the poor, overworked table.
"Nothing too substantial," Hermione said, grinning, "but I did find that stimulants never do more than add to the effect of a potion, so the memory loss had to be caused by something in the potion, not the coffee."
"Well, that's a start," Harry said, feeling as though Hermione was celebrating a little too soon. The possibility remained that they might never find a counter-potion to reverse the original, whether coffee had anything to do with it or not.
Fighting off a wave of melancholy, Harry settled into the chair across from Hermione and dug into his pile. Somehow, together, they had to find a way to fix this.