Chapter Ten: Do You Believe In Loneliness?
By Natali K. A.
Over a month later, James was still a little uncertain as to how, when, and where he'd ask Lily to spend the rest of her life with him. Not that it had slipped his mind or anything. No, Sirius made sure to bug him and remind him and poke him constantly.
This time was no different.
"Mate, you need to ask her already," Sirius whined. "I want to see you married off already. You've been flitting around-"
"I do not flit, Sirius."
"-nervous and just all jumpy because you've had this ring forever now and you haven't just asked her already!" Sirius continued. "Ask her, or I will."
James narrowed his eyes. "It's not exactly the easiest thing to do, is it?"
"And just what's so bloody difficult about it?"
"Have you ever tried to propose to anyone, Padfoot?" James snapped.
Remus snickered from behind his book, turning the page. "Relax, the two of you. James, it'll turn out fab. Sirius, don't worry. You won't have to deal with his endless pacing much longer."
Sirius nodded, as if that settled the matter. "Remus, want to go out for a drink? This will give James the perfect opportunity to ring Lily up and ask her to marry him. We'll pick up a few chicks."
"Sounds fun."
James rolled his eyes as his two friends disapparated. But having thought it over, he decided that Sirius did have a point. Only he'd do this his way, because it was his decision to make. Partly, anyway.
*~*
"Vic, James and I are going away for a mini-break," Lily squealed happily into the receiver. "He owled me earlier today with the idea. Won't tell me where we're going though, so I'm not sure what to pack."
"Pack lightly," Vicky replied, sounding preoccupied. "It's warm in most places. Of course, if he takes you out of Britain… Take a jumper, dear."
Lily nodded out of habit, knowing that Vicky couldn't actually see her. "You don't seem very interested, Vic. I was thinking that maybe James would actually give in and fuck me."
"Don't be crude, Lily, it doesn't suit you."
"Bite me. As I was saying, I was hoping-"
"I wouldn't bet on it," Vicky interrupted, staring at her closet. "Should I wear my jeans or that white skirt I bought last week?"
"What's your mood?"
"I'm sort of thoughtful, really. Haven't been paying attention to much else than what's going on in my head today."
"And that would be?"
"Don't worry about it. I'll tell you after your break." Victoria threw herself onto her bed and stared up at the popcorn on the ceiling. "What did he say exactly?"
Lily snorted on the other end. "What do you think he bloody said? He asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend and I said yes. I'm horny as a rabbit and I really need a good shag right about now."
"You're a sex-aholic," Vicky diagnosed dryly. "You're just upset because he's exhibiting more self-control than you are. Am I right or am I right?"
"You're right," Lily sighed, sitting on her suitcase in an attempt to shut it. "Pants! I can't close this sodding suitcase!"
Vicky rolled her eyes. "Be there in a sec." Then she was there, literally, in a second. She sat on the other end of Lily's suitcase. "I thought I told you to pack light!"
Lily gave her a look, the sort of look McGonagall used to give them when they turned in a hilariously short essay. "This is light."
Together, they did eventually shut the thing, smiling proudly with hands on their hips.
Then it hit Lily.
"It's times like these," she groaned, "that I wish that I would remember I was a witch before I'd gone through all the trouble."
Vicky looked disgusted with herself, mirroring how Lily felt.
"Well, it's us, innit?" Vicky laughed. "What more do you expect?"
*~*
James appeared in Lily's room that evening at eight, just like they'd agreed he would. He had his tiny bag with the bare essentials in his hand.
"Lils, you here?"
"In the bathroom!" she called out. "Had to find something to put my hair up with." She walked out, smiling and looking very comfortable in a pair of shorts and loose top. "Will you take my stuff for me, sweetheart?"
James looked around. "Where is it?"
"There."
"Lily, you don't mean this trunk do you? This is the one we took for a whole year at Hogwarts!"
"Yes, I know. Dead useful."
His eyes looked heavenward, as if to ask what he'd done to deserve this. But he didn't argue, because he knew how women were. After all, his mum probably would've packed even more. Poor Lily in all probability thought that she'd actually held back and was leaving a bunch of "essential" things such as creams and scented soap and whatever else girls used…
"Fine. Well, let's go, shall we?" he asked, levitating her trunk.
She smiled, kissing his cheek in greeting. "Let's."
An hour later, they were settled in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in Britain that Lily did not know exactly. She didn't exactly care either.
"So, what is there to do here?" she asked as she clicked on the telly. "I mean, all I saw was grass and grass for miles with a couple hills here and there."
James smiled to himself, climbing into bed. If she only knew. "You'll see tomorrow."
"Are we heading back tomorrow night?"
"We are."
She sighed. "Now I feel silly for packing so much."
"I didn't want to say anything."
"I wouldn't have brought that pink skirt if I'd known. Oh well, it wasn't so bad, was it?" she asked him. "It would have been a terrible embarrassment if I'd packed three times what I'd needed, eh?"
For the second time that day, James' eyes turned heavenward. Oh, Lily.
"Come lie down," he said, pushing back the covers for her.
She jumped off her chair and took off her shoes, happy as a clam to slip in beside him. "We'll have a grand old time, won't we? Our first minibreak."
"Yep. Get to sleep, Lily."
She rolled her eyes, as it was only a little after nine. But it would do. She was quite content to just lay in his arms for a couple hours, watching the telly until sleep claimed her.
Of course, it would have been so much more entertaining to screw him, like she really wanted to, like she really thought they should be doing, but no.
Of course not.
Of course they wouldn't, because James had been overcome with this sudden urge to be old fashioned near to two months ago.
Little bugger.
*~*
At one of the biggest school events that Hogwarts held, Lily was close to tears.
How couldn't she be?
It was utterly pathetic and very disgusting even to her, that she was so depressed over the fact that all her mates seemed to have some bloke to hang out with while she was stuck playing the role of Happy Head Girl With Not A Care In The World.
She wondered sometimes if she scared the guys off. She was perfectly popular and didn't lack for dates in the least, but it wasn't anything lasting. She'd always felt as if guys thought she was unattainable for some odd reason.
It's not like she was unattractive. You'd have to be bloody blind to think she wasn't-not that she was overly conceited about it, just very sure of herself. But it just couldn't escape her notice that they always seemed to worship her from afar.
Lily bit her lip, feeling the corner of her eyes begin to itch. The Head Girl could not just break down crying in the middle of a party! But apparently, that's just where she was headed.
An old, slow song came on and nearly everyone went out on the floor. The thing about these parties is that most people were included in every dance instead of being a wall flower-the anti-social losers didn't come to join the rest.
If she could just find a nice, quiet, dark, empty corner she'd consider her night well used and be satisfied. Perhaps then she could cry off with a feigned headache.
"Hey, Head Girl. Dance with me," said a familiar voice as a hand clamped gently around her elbow, interrupting her bee line to her cry corner.
Lily turned to James Potter and was sorely tempted to accept. But in the end… "James, thanks, but I think I'd rather sit this one out. I don't feel very g-"
"Come on," he pleaded, smiling handsomely and tugging her a little. "You'll feel better. Promise."
She conceded defeat, allowing him to drag her unwilling self onto the dance floor to join everyone else. And though she'd been on her way to release all of her pent up emotions concerning how utterly lonely and pointless her love life had been this year, she couldn't help but smile.
About a minute into their quiet dance, James brought his lips close to her ear to have a conversation with her. "Now, what's the matter? Beautiful girls are not supposed to feel sad in the middle of parties."
Lily was taken aback, surprised that her feelings had been so easily read on her face. She'd always thought that she'd had the amazing ability to mask what she was really feeling. Apparently not.
Again as if reading her mind, James assured her, "Don't worry, no one noticed. But I insist you give me some insight on why there were tears in those lovely emerald eyes."
"Nothing," she said, using the overused response. As if that would deter him.
"Lily, you can trust me. I just want to know why you're so down."
She shook her head, even though she wanted to tell him. "You wouldn't understand."
"Ah," he said wisely, irritating her. "I see."
"No, you don't see. How can you? You have no idea what I'm feeling."
"Not that I haven't tried to understand." The song ended, but he didn't release her though she'd dropped her hands immediately. "Will you come on a walk with me?"
Lily sighed. "I suppose. I don't really think you'd give me an option."
He squeezed her hand reassuringly, finding his way through the crowd of students and professors to go out the front doors.
They stepped out into the chilly night and Lily was immensely glad for her cloak. They didn't speak at first, just enjoying each other's company.
About five minutes into their little stroll, James finally asked his question. "So, what's the matter?"
Lily looked away from him, toward the lake where the Giant Squid was playing with a clump of seaweed, tossing it into the air repeatedly and trying to catch it. Most times, the squid succeeded.
"I'd really rather not talk about it."
James nodded, shoving his hands into his pocket. "I can understand that. After all, it's me, James Potter, the Boy You Hated And Now Mildly Dislike Though Pretend To Be Civil To."
"No, James, I don't dislike you, mildly or otherwise," she giggled, knowing that he knew that but wanted to hear it straight from her mouth. "Though you're perfectly aware of that, so I suppose I should have said I did and seen what you would have done."
He laughed. "I would have had to kiss you."
She raised a brow. "Seems presumptuous of you. And quite unrelated as well." They continued walking along the outer wall of the old castle.
As if in retaliation to her prior threat (saying that she did actually dislike him), he pushed her up against the wall-gently, as not to harm her.
"While presumptuous," he muttered, staring deep into her eyes, "I think you will agree that no woman can resist me once I kiss them. Care to find out?"
Lily took a deep breath and seriously considered replying in the affirmative, just to see what would happen and what would happen and what it would feel like.
"Hmm. I'll take your word for it."
James scanned her face, to see if whatever answer he was looking for could be found there.
She began to feel that her space was being invaded, and while it wasn't exactly unpleasant-it was James Potter, who happened to have lost some of his arse-like qualities-she definitely needed him to move away.
"You're in my bubble."
He leaned closer, grinning wolfishly and both scaring and exciting her.
"Sweetheart, you don't know what it is for me to be in your bubble." Whether it was a threat or a promise she couldn't tell. Wasn't exactly sure she wanted to find out.
"James," she whispered, closing her eyes. "Fine, damn you. I was lonely. I felt lonely in the middle of hundreds of students of Hogwarts. I wanted someone to spend time with me, just laugh or sit in silence." Her eyes opened slowly. "Now will you get out of my bubble?"
"I told you, I'm not in your bubble. Someone's in your bubble when you don't want them there." One of his hands drifted up to her cheek, which he cupped. "You shouldn't be lonely. You're not alone."
"You don't have to be alone to be lonely, you know. Just like you don't have to feel lonely in order to be alone." He wasn't backing away, she wished he would. That or kiss her, but he had to do something. She couldn't take this much longer. A warmth was spreading through her body.
He leaned his forehead on hers and she was very aware of the fact that their lips were now mere centimeters apart.
"You shouldn't be lonely," he repeated hoarsely, hands gripping her waist.
Why wouldn't he just kiss her?!
"Well, I'm not anymore, am I? You seem to have planted yourself in my bubble," she joked. She would not touch him, she would not. He would direct this entire thing. Luckily, that didn't seem to bother him. Quite the opposite.
"And I won't move out of it until-unless-you say so."
She didn't.
Slowly, as if time was suspended for just that moment, he brought his lips against her soft, warm ones. It was pure heaven, just as he'd guessed, dreamed it would be. James could not bring himself to back off, like his instincts told him to.
"Oh," she moaned into his mouth, bringing her hands to either side of his face. "God, please, no. Stay in the blasted bubble all you like."
He chuckled, pressing his body to hers and squashing her against the wall.
Minutes later, panting and satisfied if just for the moment, they looked at each other shyly, unsure of where to go next.
"Thank you for trusting me," he whispered, kissing her again. "And for giving me open access to your bubble."
"You didn't give me much of a choice." Her hands found the hem of his shirt where they went under and raked his muscular back softly with the fingernails. He shuddered pleasurably. "I think we need to get back."
He nodded, looking away to the sky. Reluctantly, he separated himself from her and took her hand. "Let's go in then, Bubble Girl."
"That's Miss Bubble to you," she smiled, confused at what had just happened and what was supposed to happen next. Did that mean they were dating or that they just wanted to have some fun?
She shrugged mentally. Honestly?
Didn't give a fuck and couldn't be bothered to care.
*~*
A/N: Yes, late. Thursday I got home from this big event at my school and I was just dead tired and honestly? Yeah. Wanted to sleep. So whatever. Friday Daddy picked me up and off we went to his house, where I no longer have a wireless connection for some odd reason (bloody neighbors moved it, probably. Never did like them. Dunno how to share!). However, here I am at 12:35 A.M., just returning home. And even though I have to be up in five hours, I'm here because I feel bad.
Now you have to review.
Ooh, the dream in this chapter was definitely fun to write. Who doesn't just adore a man who throws you up against a wall and kisses you?? (Unless of course you're a heterosexual male in which case… Yeah, you don't like it do you? Ha.)
Mm. Yum.
Anywho much love,
Natali K. A.
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