Chapter 3 - Conversations: Hermione and Luna
Luna sat in silence on the sofa in her father's living room, quietly contemplating her life and that of her friends. A gentle smile formed on her lips and she sat up just before a knock resounded throughout the room. She stood and flicked her wand toward the door, casting a charm to ascertain who was standing just on the other side of it. She moved quickly to answer it, not at all surprised to find …
"Hermione," she said in her usual airy tone as she opened the door. "I thought I might be seeing you tonight."
Hermione stood on the porch looking dumbfounded as she stared up into Luna's smiling face, "How could you know…" she hesitated and narrowed her eyes, "…don't tell me you were warned by a snorkack," she half-heartedly teased.
Luna rolled her eyes and laughed breezily. "No, Hermione, don't be silly," she admonished. "You of all people should know that the snorkack hibernates this time of year. I'll have to wait for spring to get any sort of information out of one of them."
Hermione laughed and held out her hands in defeat. "How could I have possibly forgotten that?" she quipped. She took a small step forward then shook her head, her laughter dying quickly as the reason for her visit assaulted her conscious. She looked up at Luna and swallowed hard. "Can I come in?" she asked in a low voice that suddenly sounded hollow and desolate. "I promise I won't take too much of your time."
Luna waved her hand dismissively. "We're friends, Hermione," she countered, her own voice taking on a more serious tone. "Take all my time you need. Come on in," she stepped back and Hermione walked hesitantly through the door. Luna gestured toward the living room, "Make yourself at home," she said as she continued on through. "Can I get you some tea?
It took a moment for Luna's question to register with Hermione as she looked around the eclectic home in wide-eyed wonder. Somehow, the scores of trinkets spread haphazardly about the room seemed to idealize Luna's eccentric personality, and as she looked around, Hermione couldn't help but to wonder how much alike Luna and her father really were. Finally, she shook the thoughts from her head and unthinkingly replied to Luna's question with a casual, "Yeah, tea." She looked up sharply when her own response registered in her mind. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized. "I didn't mean to sound so rude. Tea would be great, so long as it's not too much trouble. Thanks."
Luna laughed. "It's all right, Hermione, relax. There's no need for formalities." She turned to walk away and then looked back at Hermione. "Care to join me in here?" she asked pointing toward the kitchen.
Hermione nodded distractedly. "Yeah, sure, of course," she mumbled as she continued to gape at the `treasures' that engulfed the Lovegood home. She looked around one final time before following the path Luna had taken.
"Father and I go on expedition each year," Luna explained as she reached into the cupboard for two cups then set them on the counter. "We generally find some unusual things while we're out. That's where a lot of that stuff came from," she said with a vague gesture toward the living room.
"It's very…" Hermione began a bit apprehensively as she searched for the right word, "unique?" The word came out as more of a question than a statement, and she immediately wished she'd never shown up to Luna's house; especially if her brain was going to continue to shut down.
Luna laughed again. "Well, it won't fit everyone's taste, that's for sure," she said lightly, trying to put Hermione's mind at ease. She knew there were much more important things on Hermione's mind and she didn't want anything as insignificant as home décor to interfere with them.
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief and returned Luna's smile. "Thanks," she sighed gratefully.
"Don't bother yourself about it," Luna replied waving it away. "It's really not a problem. Father and I like it and, well, since we're the ones who live here-" she shrugged, leaving the rest unsaid.
Hermione understood her meaning perfectly and dropped the issue. She stared in silence at where her hands wrung together in her lap. "I shouldn't have come," she said in a voice so soft that Luna wondered if the statement had been meant for her or if Hermione had been talking to herself.
Luna eyed her for a second, trying to think of a way to distract her. "How do you take your tea?" she asked a little loudly as she poured two steaming cups.
"Cream is-"
"Do you take it with a Gnarish Dust?" she asked, eyeing Hermione again.
Hermione stopped suddenly and looked up at Luna from where she sat at the old wooden dining table. "Do I take it with what?"
Luna pulled a small jar from another cupboard. "Gnarish Dust," she repeated, holding up the jar for Hermione to see.
Hermione eyed the bottle curiously. "What is that?"
"Ground fairy wings," Luna stated with a shrug.
"Ground fairy wings…" Hermione repeated, shaking her head in disbelief. "What's its purpose?"
Luna collected the cream and set it on the table as she casually began to explain the dust's uses. "Well, as you know, fairies are magical creatures with extraordinary powers which only they possess. A part of that power is said to be contained within their wings. When their wings are ground into Gnarish Dust they can be put to all kinds of uses." She pointed at one of the cups. "For instance, when you put it into tea, it reacts with the tea's natural stimulants and together they act as a sort of calming draught, only its effects are more gradual. The combination works together to help ease your mind allowing you to put things that are troubling you into better perspective." She looked over at Hermione and laughed at her clueless expression. "You've really never heard of it before?" she asked. "I find that very hard to believe, Miss Granger."
"So why do they call it that?" Hermione asked, her brow furrowed as she tried to find a correlation between gnarish and fairy.
Luna shrugged. "I'm not sure, but I imagine it must have to do with the fact that centuries ago there was an upsurge in the trade of fairy wings. Fairies, small as they are, were often hard to catch, but as the demand for their wings increased, wizards started finding newer methods with which to capture them. At one point, the capture and subsequent use of their body parts for the purposes of potion-making became illegal. There's a plant in existence, within the wizarding world, known as the gnarvish, and it's believed that because of its abundance, a slight alteration of its name was chosen as a way to cover up the fact that fairy wings were still very much in use. Of course, we now know for certain that gnarish dust is, actually, ground fairy wings but rather than changing the name I suppose they decided it best to keep it the same. It sounds much less cruel then fairy wings, I think."
Hermione took a moment to consider what Luna had said, then looked up at her. "Just cream, I think," she replied with a grin. "And no, I've not heard of gnarish dust. But thanks for the explanation." She looked again with trepidation at the jar in Luna's hand, making a note to someday research gnarish dust and its uses.
Luna grabbed the two cups of tea and carried them to the table where Hermione had taken up residence. "Here you go," she said, handing Hermione hers.
Hermione looked down into the cup, one eyebrow raised in question.
"No," Luna laughed. "I didn't put anything in yours. Only mine."
Hermione looked at Luna's cup. "Is everything all right?" she asked, raising her eyes to meet Luna's. "You're not having trouble putting things into perspective are you?"
Luna shook her head. "Just preparing myself to help you," she said softly.
Hermione picked up the cream and poured a bit into her tea by way of distraction. She looked around for a spoon and not finding one, she picked up the cup and began to mindlessly swirl its contents around. After a few seconds, she took a sip and sat back in her chair. "I'm really sorry for barging in on you like this," she said, staring unseeingly into her cup. She pursed her lips and closed her eyes tightly. When she opened her mouth to speak, nothing came out but a tiny whimper, followed closely by a few stray tears. "Bloody hell," she cursed as she quickly tried to wipe them away.
"Her-"
She attempted to stand and in a sudden flash of anger and frustration she slumped back down into the chair. "Damn it!" she cried, slamming her hands on the table. "It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be this way…this weak. I'm supposed to be stronger than this." She looked up at Luna, expecting to see a look of disgust at her show of weakness, what she found was a pair of sympathetic eyes boring into hers and immediately she looked away. "What's wrong with me?" she questioned softly. She shook her head and silently cursed Harry for making her…feel. "I haven't been the wimpy, whiny girl who cries like this since I was eleven!"
"Hermione," Luna replied, finally breaking her own silence. "Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It's actually been proven to be quite good for a person to cry. It's the people who hold it in who suffer the most."
Hermione looked up. "I don't hold it in, Luna," she admitted softly. "I just don't normally share it with anyone else."
"That's not much better, Hermione," Luna sighed. She placed her hand over Hermione's and gently squeezed her fingers. "You can share your moments like this with me any time you like. I'm always here."
Hermione blinked rapidly as she openly stared at the seriousness Luna was expressing. "You mean that, don't you?" she asked in surprise.
Luna nodded as she searched Hermione's face. "Tell me what's wrong."
Hermione dropped her head into her hands and groaned, "I don't know if I can."
Luna sat back in her seat and folded her arms as she watched Hermione try to regain control of her emotions. "Are you sure you don't want to try the Gnarish Dust?" she asked
Hermione shook her head. "Not yet," she said. "But thanks."
"Can I ask you something?" Luna asked, all of the breeziness gone from her voice; her expression once again as serious as Hermione had ever seen it.
Hermione nodded, not quite trusting her voice.
"Does this have anything to do with either Ronald or Harry?"
Hermione smiled and dropped her head. "Suppose that wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it?" she sighed.
Luna shook her head. "No, not really, seems a great deal of life's ups and downs have centered around Ronald and, or Harry…" she paused and put her hand on Hermione's arm, "…for all of us, not just you. You're not alone."
Hermione looked up and smiled. "Thanks," she whispered gratefully. "Just seems that for me it's not just a `great deal' of things…it's everything."
"So what happened?"
"Harry happened."
Luna smiled. "I see," she said though her eyebrows were raised questioningly. "Finally realizing the truth, are you?"
Hermione's head jerked up, a frown creasing her forehead. "Pardon?"
Luna tilted her head and looked out across the room, just above Hermione's shoulder. She remained quiet for a moment as she contemplated how best to proceed. After a minute's silence she cleared her throat and focused her gaze on Hermione's scowl. "Why are you here, Hermione?" she asked flatly, her face void of any readable expression.
Hermione suddenly felt as though she'd come to the wrong place. She stood to leave when it felt as though an unseen force pulled her back down and she slumped back into the chair. "Did you do that?" she asked, casting a weary glance at Luna. "Are you using magic to keep me here?"
Luna shook her head. "Obviously there's something that you very much want to get off your chest, Hermione. I'm not forcing you to stay…" Luna leaned forward and rested her arms on the table, her protuberant gray eyes holding Hermione captive, "you won't let yourself go. Now tell me, why are you really here?"
Hermione closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "I needed to talk," she said quickly, before she could lose all her nerve.
When Hermione paused, Luna nodded, encouraging her to continue.
Tears stung Hermione's eyes. "I'm getting married," she managed to squeak through the knot in her throat
Luna moved her chair beside Hermione's and pulled her into an embrace. "You've known that for three months, Hermione. Have you been crying for that long, or is this something new? Is it nerves…" she pushed Hermione back and searched her eyes, "…or something more?"
Hermione sniffled and straightened her back. She wiped furiously at her eyes as she tried to swallow her tears. "So…much more," she whispered brokenly.
Luna reached forward and smoothed Hermione's hair from her face in a gesture that seemed to somehow quiet her roiling emotions. "Tell me about it," Luna soothed.
Hermione sat back in her chair, feeling surprisingly calm. She took a sip of her tea and stared into her cup. "Harry came to see me," she began, her eyes never leaving the cup she held tightly in her hand. "I had to tell him…I had to admit the truth," she looked up briefly, "not all of it, of course…" she added hastily then looked back down into her cup, "I couldn't tell him everything." She quieted and shook her head. "Not everything."
Luna was beginning to feel a bit anxious about where the conversation was going. She was worried that Hermione would shut herself off and never get to the essence of what was really bothering her. "Look at me," Luna softly commanded.
Hermione's head rose immediately from her cup and she stared into Luna's eyes. "I'm not in love with Ron," she blurted.
Hermione started at the sound of Luna's laughter. "What…?"
Luna raised her hand to quiet Hermione's question. "I'm sorry," she said, her laughter slowly dying. "It's just…" she took a deep, calming breath, "I've always known that and for you to look so surprised by it just…" Luna took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "Please, go on."
"How could you know?" Hermione asked, perplexed. "I didn't even know it myself until the night he proposed."
Luna stared at Hermione for a moment, her eyes narrowing as she contemplated how far she should take things. "It's in the way you act. The way you move, the way you talk…it's everywhere."
"Are you saying that it's been obvious all this time?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"Only to those of us who're paying attention," Luna assured her. "I'm quite sure that people without a vested interest would see what I see when I look at you with Ronald."
Hermione narrowed her eyes as she digested Luna's words. "What's your interest? What's made you take notice when so few others have?"
Luna stood up and carried her cup to the sink. "You're my friend, Hermione," she said a little too quickly, "…as is Ronald," she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, determined not to let her own sudden surge of emotions take away from Hermione's need. She turned around to face her friend straight on. "It's always been something I do," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I always sit back and quietly observe the goings-on of my friends…of the people who matter most to me."
Hermione continued to eye her for a moment as a realization suddenly occurred to her. "A right fine mess we've made of it, haven't we?" she said with an exasperated sigh.
This time it was Luna's turn to look surprised. "Excuse me?"
"The way things turned out, you know, me and Harry, y…" she stopped herself short, and shook her head. "Never mind."
Luna eyed Hermione a moment and then decided to let her comment slide. "How long has it been, Hermione?" Luna asked. "How long have you loved him?"
Hermione's head snapped up. "I just told you, I'm not…"
"…not Ronald," Luna interrupted quietly. "Harry."
"What…I'm not…" Hermione felt her world suddenly crashing down around her and she dropped her head, gasping for a breath.
Luna rushed over beside her and gently began rubbing her back. "Hermione, it's not the end of the world to admit it out loud, you know," she said soothingly. "The world as you know it will continue to exist…the walls won't collapse, the sky won't fall," Luna bent down and put her mouth close to Hermione's and whispered, "…and you just might find some peace of mind."
Hermione's tears began to well once more. "It's not fair, Luna. All of this is just…"
Luna raised her eyes to the heavens and thought of Ron and how much of the past two years she'd spent loving him, waiting for him to realize that Hermione was in love with Harry…and him, her. She knew there was no way to make him realize it; it was something he'd had to figure out on his own. So, she'd sat back and watched until that day three months ago when she felt her heart shatter…
"I understand, Hermione," she said gently. "More than you could ever know."
Hermione raised swollen, bloodshot eyes to Luna. "Love shouldn't make you feel like this, should it?" she asked brokenly. "I've never cried like this or felt so helpless in my entire life."
Luna stood up and returned to her chair, determined to get Hermione to admit her feelings aloud. "Tell me when you knew," she urged. "Tell me when you first realized the truth."
Hermione put her elbows on the table and rested her chin in her hands. "It was the night that Ron proposed," she admitted begrudgingly. "He held out that ring and when I looked into his eyes I saw a hesitation…hell," she sighed, dropping her arms to the table, "I felt a hesitation."
"Why didn't you say so at the time?"
"I tried," she said with an underlying note of bitterness. "Molly entered the kitchen before I could say a word. She jumped to conclusions and next thing I knew, the entire house was full of people congratulating us. Everyone, that is except…"
"…Harry," Luna said, supplying the last.
Hermione nodded. "He stood in the background, pretending to smile as one Weasley after another regaled us with good luck wishes. He never said a word, and I couldn't get close enough to tell him that it wasn't true. At the time, I didn't realize why it was so important that he know the truth, but I really wanted to tell him. I didn't know what he was thinking, I didn't dare ask. He was with Ginny, and I knew he was in love with her, I mean," she frowned a bit and raised her hand to drop it helplessly to the table once more, "who wouldn't be? She's perfect."
Luna couldn't quell the laughter that burst forth. "Perfect?" she quipped. "How on earth do you figure that?"
Hermione looked up at Luna, startled by her outburst. "Well, for starters, she's beautiful…"
Luna held up her hand to stop Hermione from saying anything further. "Beauty that is only skin deep does not make a person beautiful, Hermione. You, of all people, should know that. Your boys never looked at you as beautiful before that Yule Ball, did they?"
Hermione shook her head.
"You always felt that you were less than adequate in that department, didn't you?"
Hermione nodded, unable to provide verbal answers.
"But there they were, teenage boys…always by your side. Why do you suppose that is?"
Hermione shook her head. "Because we were friends?" she asked uncertainly.
"They had other friends, too, Hermione," Luna said gently. "There were beautiful girls that any guy would've killed to hang out with and yet," she lowered her head to meet Hermione's downcast eyes, "they still chose you. You were the only one who truly mattered."
Hermione shrugged helplessly. "Homework?" she said with half-hearted grin.
"Because you have a beauty that comes from within," Luna replied with a frown. "What you have is amazing. The way you care for your friends and stand up for those you feel have been wronged…Hermione, your heart knows no bounds. You're a lot like Harry in that way."
Hermione glanced up at her, unable to speak.
"Over the years, what you have in here," she placed her hand over her heart, "has just made you that much more beautiful on the outside. Beautiful to the point where now, Hermione…you're absolutely stunning. Do you ever look at yourself?" Luna put up her hand just as Hermione's mouth formed the word, "well" before any sound could escape. "I don't mean an occasional glance in the mirror. I mean really look at yourself."
"I…don't know," Hermione said slowly as she thought about the question. "Based on what you're saying, I don't guess I have. When I look at myself I just see a girl with no special, redeeming qualities. I'm just…me," she shrugged.
"And yet, Harry Potter, the one wizard who could likely have any woman he wanted, fell in love with you, didn't he?"
Hermione shook her head hard. "No!" she replied adamantly. "He never said he's in love with me. He couldn't love someone like me…"
Luna reached out and grasped Hermione's hand forcing it over Hermione's heart. "It's from within, Hermione. What you have…what Harry sees…" she stressed, her voice growing louder, "is not only the woman you are on the outside-if that's the shallow kind of love Harry wanted, he could have found it anywhere…he found it once in Ginny, and yet he still left her. What he sees in you goes deeper than that, Hermione. I've watched him. Even when he was with Ginny, I watched him. Do you know what he was doing?"
Hermione's throat tightened and she shook her head.
"Watching you."
Hermione continued to shake her head as Luna went on.
"All that time they were together, he spent watching you. And all that time you were with Ronald, do you know what you were doing?"
Hermione continued to shake her head, fearing what was coming next.
"Watching him."
Hermione cleared her throat and attempted a deep breath. "How did it get so complicated?"
"The question is, what can you do about it now?"
"Nothing," Hermione said sadly. "We're getting married in just a couple of days. All the arrangements have been made and everyone is so excited. My parents…"
"Everyone but the bride and groom," Luna interrupted.
"S'cuse me?"
"Everyone but the bride and groom," Luna repeated. "Everyone is excited except for the two most important people involved."
"Point taken," Hermione conceded. "Maybe I just won't show. Maybe I can just run away."
"Runaway bride has been done," Luna said with a teasing smile.
"I don't know that Harry loves me," Hermione said returning Luna's smile with a melancholy one of her own. "What if I give up Ron and lose Harry, too?" she asked. "They've been such a part of my life that the whole thing scares me."
Luna shrugged. "I don't know what to say, Hermione. I certainly can't tell you what to do. But I am
curious about something…"
"Yeah?"
"Can you really marry Ronald if it means settling for someone you don't love? Even if it's not Harry, there's someone out there meant for you," her voice softened, "…just like there's someone out there meant for Ronald."
Hermione shook her head. "I don't know," she said thoughtfully. "Can I?"
"Tell me how you feel, Hermione," Luna urged in a desperate attempt to hear the words that could, potentially, change all of their lives forever. "You've told me you don't love Ronald, but you've never really told me how or why that is."
"Because I can't," Hermione said softly.
Luna leaned forward in anticipation. "Because…" she whispered anxiously.
Hermione dropped her head. "I'm in love with Harry."
Luna's smile could've lit the most darkened of rooms when she heard the words she'd been waiting to hear since Hermione walked through her door.
"If you could marry him instead of Ronald, without preamble, without waiting for another day, would you?"
Hermione raised her head and nodded. "Of course," she said quickly. "If I knew he loved me…" she sighed, "I'd marry him tomorrow."
"Have you ever kissed him?" Luna asked suddenly.
Hermione looked at her in wide-eyed surprise and laughed lightly. "No," she said as though the thought had never once occurred to her.
"You would marry him without knowing how that feels?" she asked. "How can you be so sure that he's the right man for you?" It was a question Luna had asked herself over the past two years…and she still didn't have an answer.
"Because I can't live without him. He's everything to me, Luna. He always has been. I don't need to kiss him to know that I could lose myself in him. I don't need anything more than what I already have…"
Her voice drifted and Luna waited in silence for a moment before speaking. "What's that?" she asked softly. "What do you already have?"
"Trust," she said evenly. "For the first time in a long time, probably the first time ever, I trust my heart. And my heart is telling me that there will never be another Harry Potter in my life. This is it for me." She looked up at Luna, although her thoughts were far away. "And I believe it."
Luna felt a sudden anxious need to get away. There was somewhere she wanted to go and she wanted to go quickly. "You have a lot to think about in the next couple of days," she said, forcing her voice to sound even.
"I think I should just run away," Hermione said pensively. "It would make things a lot easier if I did. I don't know if I could stand up there marrying Ron, not with Harry standing beside him holding my heart."
"Maybe you should talk to Harry again," Luna suggested. "You need to find out the truth and the only way to do that is to go to the source. Maybe together you can figure something out."
Hermione nodded. "I need to go at any rate," she said, standing up. "I've taken up too much of your time already. Thank you for listening. I know it's not been easy to…"
When she left the sentence to hang, Luna stood and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry if things have been made more difficult for you," Luna said softly near Hermione's ear. "That would never be my intention."
Hermione slowly pulled from Luna's embrace and squeezed her friend's arms. "No, you haven't made things more difficult, you've just given me a lot to think about. Thank you."
Luna nodded as Hermione turned around and made her way to the front door. "I appreciate this, Luna," she said sincerely from where she stood on the porch. "And I'm sorry…for everything."
Before Luna could respond, Hermione was gone.
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Luna shut the door quickly and ran to the fireplace. She threw in a handful of floo powder and called out her destination. In an instant she found herself standing in the middle of Ron's flat.
"Ronald!" she called out. "Ronald, come quick."
Ron came running from his room in a panic. He stopped the instant he saw Luna's shining face. "Merlin, Luna," he breathed. "What's going on? You scared me."
"We don't have much time," she said, making her way to the sofa. "I'm not sure whether Hermione will be here soon or not."
"Hermione…" Ron shook his head. "What are you going on about?"
He sat beside her on the sofa and she grabbed his hand. Ron looked at her in surprise before he let himself relax to her touch. "Hermione came to see me tonight," she said, talking quickly. "She's in love with him, Ronald. She's in love with Harry."
Ron jumped up from the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. "So what's this mean?" he asked earnestly. "What's she going to do?"
"She said something about running away."
Ron turned abruptly to look at her. "I assume you heard it all?"
Luna nodded, understanding completely what Ron was referring to.
"Did you ask her?"
Luna nodded again, this time with a smile.
"And?" Ron asked, gesturing anxiously with his hand.
"Tomorrow," Luna replied. "She said she'd do it tomorrow."
Ron shook his head and smiled as a plan started to form in his mind.
Luna jumped up from the sofa to stand beside him. "What are you going to do?" she asked. "You can't really marry her knowing neither of you could ever be happy, can you?"
"Talk to her again, Luna," Ron said abruptly. "Whatever you do, make sure she's at that wedding. Don't let her run away from me…I won't let her go that easily."
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