Chapter 6-Lost and Found Love
Harry could usually tell what kind of day it would be by the way he slept the night before. He sat on the edge of the bed at 4AM with head in hands and elbows on his knees thinking that if that rule holds true, today will be one very fine day. Yesterday and last night were a blur. He was out of the cage by supper, but somehow he was in bed not too long afterwards. By now he'd ambled into the shower and let the water run over his hair and caress his body. Then a faint sting of recollection hit him. He'd told Ron, where and how deep to stick it.
Harry was amazed that he had been able to partially block that out of his memory for even two seconds. When he and Ron fought it usually included about three words and two weeks of silence. Using that scale, Harry figured he'd next talk to Ron at 50. Harry didn't feel guilty about what he said, but putting that together with the threats received by the Ministry he may have chased away one of the only friends that wouldn't be intimidated by the threats. Harry sighed and whispered, "Okay, so maybe I jumped the gun on the `one very fine day' forecast." He had to chuckle to himself though because he knew that he'd awoken once with a much more foreboding forecast for his day and it hadn't been horrible.
He decided that he'd just lounge on one of the large chairs in the common room until the sun was out and then he'd get some fresh air. He knew he could probably slip into a nap again so early in the morning. As he hit the last stair, he heard a voice coming from the common room, "Harry, is that you?" It was Hermione.
"Yes," he replied in the same half-whisper.
A light blinked on and off in the furthest away corner. He was amazed that Hermione could see that far. "How did you see me that far away?"
Hermione's eyes were red and swollen. She couldn't have been sleeping in that condition. Harry's heart ached for her.
"I didn't. I knew you'd be down soon. I was in your dorm when you woke up. I was watching you and Ron sleep," she said rather sadly. "I was contemplating which of you to kill first." She forced a smile. "I'm kidding." She added with a sniffle. The box of tissues suggested that more crying was on the way.
"What in the world are you doing up at this hour? Forget the insanity of being in the boys' dorm," Harry asked.
"I don't know, Harry. But after you left, Ron and I talked. I know he loves me, because for the first time I saw him cry. He doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't have the foggiest idea what he did wrong. Even after I explained how I felt. I can't tell him how to treat me because then he'd be just acting to please me. I don't want a trained seal for boyfriend," she said painfully.
Harry stepped over and wrapped his arms around Hermione. Her forehead at the brow came to just below his lower lip and without a second thought he kissed her forehead. "Love sucks, doesn't it, Hermione?" he said.
She was silent for a few seconds. And then, surprisingly she pressed her face into his neck and sobbed. Harry didn't know what to do with a crying girl. He hadn't known what to do with Cho nor Ginny for that matter either. He just tried to get comfortable so she would be too. He put his arms around her waist and locked his hands and rocked her. "Hermione, everything will be just fine. Let it out."
Harry could feel the wetness of her tears and the warmth of her breath on his neck. He didn't know if she'd thought of it, but he didn't want anyone to see them and get the wrong idea. Yet, he was fighting the thoughts of how good her body felt in his arms pressed against him. "Hermione, we can't let anyone see us like this or we'll never live it down."
She turned her head and laid her ear on Harry's shoulder. "Thank you, Harry. I needed someone to hold me. I needed someone." Hermione's voiced trailed into faint sobs again.
Harry was worried. Hermione had always been more resilient than this. He'd have thought she'd have told Ron off and still been ranting about it this morning. But he supposed, just like he and Ginny there was a time when were just drained of the strength to fight the inevitable. He hoped for their sakes that that time hadn't come already.
Harry started to feel guilty holding Hermione the way he was. She was warm and soft. And, she'd made it a point to tell him she wasn't his sister. He stopped himself before this became too awkward. "What are you thinking, Hermione? What's the thing that makes you hurt the worst?"
"We, all three of us, have been together for so long," she began. "We all love each other and respect each other. Maybe we've grown too familiar. Ron is really a wonderful guy and…," Hermione's voice trailed again.
"And, what?" Harry asked.
"And I have to be nuts to let something like this ruin our relationship. He needs me and, in a warped way, I need him too," said Hermione resolutely. The teary voice was fading a little.
"I know what you're saying, Hermione. The thing is that at some point you have to make yourself happy and not worry about everyone else. I may have a saving people thing, but you have a I can take care of everybody thing going on. We love you for that Hermione, but I can't stand to see you sad like this."
"But I don't want him to hate me. I don't want his family to hate me because I can't just be happy watching Quidditch and getting his friends beer. I can see myself being a barmaid to Ron and a few of his friends all the time. I don't mind the cooking thing. If we had kids, I wouldn't mind the cleaning and laundry, but I'm not fond of being someone's other half. What's wrong with them being my other half?" The tears were just trickling now, but her eyes were even redder than when he first saw her.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're getting way ahead of yourself. You don't have to marry him if he's not the one to make you feel like who you want to be," Harry said.
"You think I don't know that Harry," Hermione said testily. "Geez, I'm sorry Harry. I mean six long years and when I finally get him to recognize me a simple `I love you, Hermione' was enough to make me feel obligated to him for life."
Hermione was talking about the lack of romance. She never got flowers or silly gifts. There was no spontaneity she said. Harry just closed his eyes and listened to the sound of her voice. "Harry, you didn't fall asleep on me did you? Sheez, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm the problem."
Harry opened his eyes saying, "Stop that, you are not the problem." What he saw though was something that he knew at that moment would stick with him for the rest of his life. The light through the window behind Hermione gave her a glow. An aura surrounded her and Harry thought he was looking at an angel. He remembered the Yule Ball and how beautiful she was then. His heart raced as an incredible urge to kiss her raged through him. He could feel himself shaking nervously with her hands in his. She turned her head and exposed the skin of her neck and Harry melted. When she turned to look at him he was close from smelling her hair and kissed her softly. He didn't kiss and run. He did it again. And, finally, the third time he felt her respond slightly."
Hermione looked a little panicked, thought Harry, but not angry. And, her response confirmed it. "Don't tell me you've fantasized about me too?"
Harry never thought words could penetrate so deeply. He didn't know how to respond. No, he never had, not consciously anyway. Until a moment or so ago, he could have said she was like a sister. And he never had a dream he remembered about her. "No, Hermione, it wasn't like that. I just looked at you now and realized how…how beautiful you are and as a person, the most caring I have ever met…and…I just had to see what it would be like to kiss someone like that. Forgive me if I offended you," he pleaded. "I'm going for a walk. I'm sorry." He took two steps and turned to her again as his heart rose in his throat. "I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to. If you need me, I will always be there for you. Always. I love you, you know that, right?"
She recognized the words from the other day. She wasn't sure why they felt right then, but she did now. Hermione's hand took his as she pulled him to her. She leaned in a kissed Harry as passionately as he had kissed her. Harry felt the excitement grow in his chest and throughout his body. He pulled her closer until he could feel lithesome waist pressing against him as his hand held her bottom firmly as he started to lift her and pull her into him closer. He pulled her legs around his waist. He slowly separated her lips with his tongue just lightly touching them until she did likewise. He started put her back into the chair next to them when…
In an instant, Hermione pulled away. "Oh my God, what am I doing?" She was breathless and smiling. "That can never happen again, Harry. Do you hear me? Never. Looks like you might need a cold shower before that walk." Voices carried down from both dorms above. "Harry, that can't happen again. I'm serious." She smiled at him. Yet just as she hit the stairs she turned to him aglow saying, "But it did feel pretty good, I must say."
Harry didn't think she meant it. She couldn't mean they'd never do that again. It was too right. She was right about needing a cold shower, but how would it look if Harry went up to the dorm, took his clothes off and walked into the shower with a woody. He laughed at the prospect of seeing Ron and some stupid idiot making him the butt of a joke and him responding with, "Oh, I was just comforting Hermione and one thing led to another. He started to jog as he got out to the corridor. He grabbed the next staircase as it rotated and ran the corridor until another one met him. Once at the bottom, he ran out the front door to Hogwarts into a beautiful spring morning and screamed, "I love Hermione Granger!"
Harry missed the first class of the morning as he sat out by the lake. The realization of what this morning had meant to him and to his life began to sink in. He was about to either have an affair with his best friend's girlfriend or he was going to outright steal her from him. Either way, Hermione was not escaping him. He couldn't decide whether guilt was the right word for how he felt or not. There was no guilt in loving Hermione, he thought. He sighed as those words formed in his head. `Loving Hermione,' he thought again. He said it aloud, "I love Hermione Granger."
The next thing, how do I dispose of Ron? Do I take on of the bats from one of the beaters and bludgeon him to death by mistake during a match or do bring him out here and drown him. Harry laughed at the silliness of those two ideas. He finally took some serious thought into the matter. If I just hang around enough, he'll eventually fall on his sword like he did this weekend and I'll be there for the pieces. Harry liked that idea. It might be hard to explain in the long run, but it would be much easier than Ron finding him grinding with his girlfriend one morning in the common room. Harry felt like a rebel this morning and decided that he'd stay out of classes until lunch, especially since it was the only day of the week that he didn't have a class with Hermione until after lunch. He folded his arms behind his head and continued to daydream.
Harry walked the path toward school watching everyone as he walked. Some looked at him with apprehension and others greeted him the same as always. He couldn't go to lunch without his robe if he didn't want to draw more attention to himself. He climbed the staircases one by one passing in and out of the dream world that now included Hermione. He reached the portrait and stood for a brief second immobile. He hadn't thought at all about how he'd greet Hermione if she were with anyone else or, for that matter, if she were alone. Finally, he just threw caution to the wind and walked in.
Mercifully, with the exception of Neville, the place was empty. "Hi, Neville."
"Harry, where were you this morning?" Neville asked.
Harry decided that the truth was real easy. "I had a lot on my mind, Neville so I ditched classes. I hope there wasn't too much commotion when my name was called and I didn't answer."
"Nah, not too much. You've been gone enough that they don't pay much attention." He said as he went back to reading. "But there was one thing," he added. "About an hour ago, before last period, Hermione came looking for you and when no one knew where you were she left looking worried."
"Thanks, Neville." Harry moved swiftly to get his robe now. He hoped he hadn't been off daydreaming when Hermione needed him. He grabbed his books and robe as he whisked off quickly toward the Great Hall. He had to look the part and come up with a good story for the staff. Even if it were that he'd been thinking in the library or something more constructive than the truth.
He saw her immediately as he entered. She sat next to Ron with an open spot on the other side. Ron was engaged in a lively conversation with one of the other members of the Quidditch team. He was motioning with his hands and Hermione was listening intently and smiling. Harry's heart sunk a little at the scene.
He approached the table warily since he'd not confronted Ron since their row the night before. A chorus of "Hi, Harry's" greeted him and broke the ice. Even Ron said "Hi" in spite of sitting with Ginny on his other side. She moved as Harry sat down. Ron didn't sound enthusiastic but it was better than the silence like during past such occurrences. It was Hermione who hesitated to greet him until Ron and everyone was focused back on the Quidditch story.
"Hi, Harry," she said rather shyly. She quickly looked over at Ron and back. "Ron, Harry and I have something to talk about. Be right back." She snatched Harry up by the robe and dragged him off.
Ron turned to her and muttered, "Sure, sure. Whatever."
Harry looked back too as they reached the door to make sure that even Ginny was busy with something other than what they were doing. He didn't know why, but that seemed important.
Once in the corridor, Hermione looked right and left, led Harry about 20 feet to the back entrance leading back around to the other end of the Great Hall and the little room that was there. Harry didn't know what to make of this. Once inside, Hermione turned to Harry in a very somber tone and asked, "What happened this morning?"
Harry could only just stand there. He shifted from one foot the other several times over the next moment or two of silence. Finally, he decided what he was going to say. "For me, Hermione, I got tired of hearing you cry over someone who is incapable of seeing your beauty. It overwhelmed me. Something that was there all along just came to me like a bolt out of the sky. I just hope it didn't ruin our friendship. God, I hope that that didn't happen."
Hermione's face changed perceptibly from very austere to shock. "Harry, where were you this morning? I came looking for you. If you didn't go to class you should have come got me. We need to talk." She turned and paced the small area between the table and the door. The room was there for a place for a secondary instructors and exam proctors to rest while another presented lessons or read the instructions for the test. "Damn you, Harry."
Now it was time for shock on Harry's face. "What? Damn me, why?"
"Damn you because you've confused me now," she turned with a trickle of a tear. "I've kissed boys besides Ron. But I never felt so wickedly free and sexy." She wouldn't look up. "Damn you." She said three times fast again.
Harry didn't know what to do. His heart pounded and his head began to hurt from the tension. "I didn't mean to…" Hermione stopped him by throwing her arms around his waist.
"I know you didn't. Shush. Just hold me and don't get funny. This is no time to go back into the hall out of breath with my clothes and hair all messed up." She pulled back far enough so Harry could see the devilish smile that she'd shown him earlier this morning. He smiled back. He started to speak and she shushed him again. "Just hold me. Words can't describe how I feel."
The bundle of clothes that came with the uniform and the robes hardly made for an erotic embrace. It slowly dawned on him though as they stood together there in that secluded room that he'd found what he'd been missing. What was a simple, natural impulse this morning was full-blown love this afternoon.
Then Hermione stepped back tracing his arms and holding Harry's fingertips and leaning back. "Hold on Harry, don't let me fall."
He realized she was serious, so he held tighter as she leaned back harder. "Hermione, I may not be able to hold you." She pulled her self up again and let the pressure be ever so slight.
"You passed the first test," Hermione said softly.
"What test was that?" Harry looked puzzled.
"You can hold me without feeling me up and you make me feel safe and warm." She said smiling leaning back pulling at Harry again. "After we kissed, I didn't know if I would ever feel safe in your arms again--like I did when you comforted me all those millions of times the past six years. I didn't want to feel it was all about sex."
Harry listened as that word came out of her mouth in a completely different context. He could feel it. It wasn't used generically or about someone else. It was about them. It was about Harry and Hermione. "Is this why you didn't see me as brother?"
A change came over Hermione's face. One of puzzlement and playfulness had replaced one of joy, but she didn't look angry at his question. "Harry, I never, ever thought of it that way. I said that the other day too. But now, right now, I wonder if somewhere in my mind there was an attraction that kept me from making that distinction."
That was the Hermione, he knew-analytical to the core. "So what are you going to do? It will drive me crazy to see you everyday now with Ron."
"Harry, that's something we have to talk about. You're sweet and I do love you. I'm not sure it's crossed over to romantic love. It's crossed over to desire and it's very close. But what happens if you console another pretty girl and you decide to kiss her too," said Hermione. "Don't get me wrong. We will be together everyday, at every opportunity. I'm not ready to have you and Ron kill each other. With him being so busy with Quidditch and the Cannons, people will just get used to seeing us together more when he's gone. If this is real, I'll tell him one day soon. Let's give it time."
Harry hung his head. He started to shake his head. "Hermione, are we going to have some kind of affair under Ron's nose? I don't know if I can take that. I'll kill him if he treats you that way again."
"No, absolutely not. But it will work itself out. I love you both in different ways. You'll just have to be yourself. And, he will be himself. I'm sure that I'd rather have wild sex by the lake than a good bedtime Quidditch story any day," she smiled. "Harry, don't go macho and say you want to confront him. If one of you were hurt seriously in some caveman duel to the death over me, I couldn't live with the winner. Just let nature take its course and let me get used to loving, Harry Potter as more than a friend." She kissed him again. "Time to go. I'm sure Ron's starting to ask questions now. Follow me."
Harry caught on to her ingenious plan very quickly. The door at the end was next to a single commode loo for students and teachers during exams. "Harry, go in here and wait about three or four minutes. I'll go back the way we came and you come out from up here." She pointed to the door that opened into the Great Hall. Everyone knew about the loo, but no one had the guts to use it so close to the head tables and the staff. So, Harry Potter coming out of it would seem appropriate. He wouldn't be intimidated.
Harry waited and popped out at precisely the time Hermione had mentioned. He came clear into the Great Hall and walked briskly to the table where Hermione was already sitting. "Harry, I though you would have been back ages ago," she said with a smile. "I just got back myself."
Ron looked up from his plate with a surly expression, "Yeah, where the bloody hell did you two go anyway?"
"To talk Ron, in private. Not everything I talk to Harry about is for everyone to hear," said Hermione.
"Oh, brilliant. Now you're sneaking around with my best mate," said Ron with a wry smile that suggested the uneasiness he felt with what he said.
Harry's heart skipped a beat when Ron looked at him and said, "About last evening Harry. I was a bit of a jerk. And you're right, I was wrong to think you capable of doing something so horrid. But face it Harry, I never liked you going out with Ginny. I don't apologize for that."
"Well, only you know how you feel in those circumstances, Ron. But I swear to you, that Ginny and I were conscientious and didn't get carried away. That's what I meant by respect, Ron. I respect and still care for her today as much as the day we broke up." Ginny heard the conversation from the other end where she was now chatting with a boy from her class. Harry saw her from the corner of his eye and felt a little self-conscious when she stuck her tongue out and take began talking to her friend again.
"Yeah, Harry, I have to go to London this weekend. I asked Hermione if she would mind staying here with you this weekend. I know that she wouldn't have much fun. Would you mind keeping Hermione's company while I'm gone? This is going to be mostly a workout. And, she just came back and said she'd rather stay here with you. What do you say, Harry?"
Harry felt sorry for Ron at that moment as he refrained from jumping with joy. "Oh, sure mate, just leave me enough food and instructions when to feed her." They all laughed except Ron. Even when he was trying to take her feeling into account it sounded like he was taking care of a pet for the weekend. "Just kidding, Ron, come on, mate. It was a joke. It sounded kind of like leaving a pet with a friend that's all."
He winked at Hermione as the three of them laughed.
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