A/N - well, this is the last chapter for 2005. I may update tomorrow, depends totally on the level of my tiredness and/or hangover. Now, just a warning - if you have cried with previous chapters, you will cry with this one - it's very sad. Oh, and there is also song lyrics in this chapter, it is from Evanesence and the song is 'My Immortal' - great song, great band. So, enjoy. Have a great, fun but safe New Year and see you next time!
Chapter 8 - Realising
Hermione woke up with a content smile on her face. For the first time in a long while she felt rested and it felt good. She stretched and noticed that she was still wearing yesterday's clothes - the thought made her inwardly cringe. Glancing at her bedside clock, she saw that it was nine in the morning.
The last thing I remember was seeing the weather after the news, which would have been around seven. I've been asleep for fourteen hours she thought sadly I should feel refreshed. Sighing, she got out of bed and made her way to her bathroom, thinking that she'd have to thank Harry once again for putting her to bed after seemingly finding her asleep on the couch. It had been happening a lot lately and she made a mental note that perhaps she should start reading already dressed for bed and in her room.
Hermione took yesterday's clothes off and went to go into the shower when she saw her reflection in the mirror. Pausing, she gently ran her fingers over the scars that angrily covered her abdomen - a large gash from the spell Dolohov gave her a lifetime ago, and the marks from Voldemort that were taking her life. Wincing at her touch, she saw that they had been weeping and the welts were slightly swollen. Hermione closed her eyes with realisation - it had started. The end that she knew was coming, had prepared herself for, had begun.
Stepping into the shower, she let the water wash away the anxiety she felt, ignoring the stinging that came from the near open wounds on her stomach.
With a feeling of unreality Hermione dressed and made her way to the kitchen, ready to make herself some breakfast. Determined to hide these new developments from Harry until it was confirmed, she was more than a little surprised when she saw a woman, dressed only in one of his large t-shirts, standing at the bench drinking some coffee - suddenly all thoughts of her deteriorating health disappeared.
"Anna?" The other woman turned at Hermione's voice and smiled. Anna had been the woman Luna, Ginny and Hermione had introduced to Harry a couple of months ago. She worked with Luna at the Quibbler and seemed perfect for Harry - from Australia, didn't really know of Harry's fame, smart, attractive and able to stick up for herself. The three matchmakers had been very pleased at their choice of partner for their friend as the two seemed to hit it off. For a while Hermione hardly saw her flat mate as he had wined and dined Anna - but this was the first time she had stayed over.
"Oh, hi Hermione," Anna purred, "I was just ready to cook Harry a full breakfast but, to be frank, you don't really have the ingredients. Shame, I'm sure he would have loved a hearty meal, especially after last night."
"We don't usually eat much in the morning," Hermione replied, frowning slightly - Harry hates a full breakfast. Too much starch to start the day, were his exact thoughts on the matter, "both not really morning people."
"He seemed fine this morning," Anna continued as Hermione came in to get her cereal.
"You had a good night then?" Hermione politely asked, not too sure if she really wanted to hear the answer.
"Oh yes, it was fantastic! It was so late by the time we left the club that Harry offered me a bed here! Who am I to refuse the famous Harry Potter!"
"Famous?" Alarm bells went off in Hermione's brain - this didn't sound good.
"Yes! I didn't realise how much until last night when we nearly got mobbed…"
"By who?"
"Some girls. They had been at Hogwarts with Harry, evidently. Seemed quite taken by him."
Hermione frowned at this news but was unable to reply as she heared her name being called from the fireplace in the lounge. Leaving her forgotten bowl of cereal on the counter, she went to speak to the head floating in the hearth.
"Hey Ginny," she said, still frowning, "how are you?"
"Fine, hey - are you guys still coming to The Burrow on Sunday?"
"As far as I know - why?"
"Mum's beginning to panic. She wants Harry's birthday to be special and…Anna?" Hermione looked behind her to see Anna had joined them in the lounge.
"Harry's birthday?" she repeated, "when's Harry's birthday? He didn't tell me it was coming up soon."
"He didn't want us to make a fuss…" Hermione replied, not feeling quite right with this whole conversation.
"Where is he?" Ginny asked, her frown matching Hermione's.
"Having a shower," Anna replied, a smile that seemed just a little too triumphant for Hermione's taste crossing the other woman's face. Ginny nodded her acknowledgement in silence before turning her attention back to Hermione.
"Anyway, mum wants you to come a bit earlier, before Harry gets there, so we can make secret plans."
"No problem - I'll tell him we're discussing your underwear requirements for the wedding - that will keep him away." Ginny laughed.
"I should be there too," Anna injected, "after all, I am his girlfriend." Ginny and Hermione looked at each other, not too sure what to say and luckily it was then Harry chose to come into the room.
"Hey ladies," he said nonchalantly before noticing Ginny in the fireplace, "and Ginny," he added on.
"I think you've just insulted me Potter," Ginny laughed - a laugh which quickly died as Anna pulled Harry into an exuberant kiss. Both Ginny and Hermione shared a confused look, missing Harry pulling away from Anna slightly annoyed.
"No insult intended Weasley," he replied, flustered.
"Well, got to go. Talk to you later Hermione, Harry," and with that Ginny's head disappeared.
Realising she had nothing else to look at other than the couple in the room, Hermione steadied herself as she turned to return to the kitchen, wincing slightly as the movement irritated the wounds on her abdomen.
"You okay Hermione?" Harry asked, immediately leaving Anna as he walked over to her side. Hermione saw a dark cloud cross her flatmate's girlfriends face before Anna announced loudly that she was going to finish making Harry's breakfast.
"I'm fine," Hermione replied with a smile, changing her mind about breakfast and instead started to gather her books together so she could leave for her classes - and a visit to her Healer, "so, you sly dog, you finally did it huh?"
"Did what?"
Hermione paused placing a shrunken book into her bag as she saw the genuine confusion on his face.
"Harry, your girlfriend of two months is in the kitchen making you breakfast dressed only in your t-shirt after sleeping in your bed…"
"She didn't have anything to sleep in so I lent her a t-shirt…"
"Don't change the subject!" Hermione interrupted, chuckling at her friend's evasions, "Harry, I think its great you guys finally went to that next level in your relationship. I'm happy for you!"
"Next level," Harry repeated, obviously still puzzled. Hermione literally saw the realisation of what their conversation was all about hit Harry as his face turned a brilliant shade of red, "oh no, you think we had sex?"
"Didn't you?"
"No! No," Harry began to pace and once again Hermione watched with amusement. If she didn't leave soon, she would miss her train, but this was too good not to see to the end.
"After I carried you to bed…"
"Thank you for that, by the way."
"No problem," this time it was Harry's turn to smile, "any one would think you fall asleep waiting for me, checking up on me…"
"No! That's not true! I swear!"
"I know, I know - I'm only teasing. But you have been falling asleep on the couch a lot lately," Harry had moved closer to where Hermione was standing and she felt his concern sweep over her, "are you going to see Healer Gower about it?"
"Yeah," Hermione answered, knowing she couldn't hide this from him, "today. But you've digressed from the topic Mr Potter." She smiled up at him as he once again blushed.
"She said she was too tired to go home, so I offered her my bed. After removing you from the couch, I slept down here."
"You slept here?" Hermione repeated, shocked.
"Yeah."
"Oh, Harry," she laughed as she put her bag over her shoulder, ready to go.
"What?"
"Normally, when a man invites a woman to his home after a date, it usually indicates he wants sex. And when a woman agrees, it usually indicates that she wants sex too."
"Anna did seem a bit angry when I told her I would sleep on the couch…"
"I bet," Hermione said as she made her way to the door, Harry at her heels, "you go and make up with her. Are you seeing Remus today?"
"A bit later on. We need to go over some stuff. Hey, have you had breakfast? Don't seem to remember you eating…"
"I'll get something at St Mungos, mum," Hermione laughed as she leant forward and gave Harry her customary goodbye kiss on his cheek, noticing that Anna had been watching them from the kitchen entrance, "I'll see you later." And with the smile she left the flat.
Her commute wasn't a long one - two tube rides and a small walk - and with her mind consumed by the mornings events and the deterioration of her health, it seemed even shorter. Every time she thought of Harry, she smiled. It amazed her that this man who had been through so much was still such a plonker when it came to women.
Before she knew it, she was walking through the busy corridors of the wizarding hospital, following a route she had taken many, many times in the last few years - heading towards Healer Maggie Gower's office. Hermione had classes today, but they were a bit later. She knew she had to see Maggie first and with a grimace she opened the door that led to her Healers office.
"Hey Christine," Hermione said cheerfully to the administrator sitting at the large desk in front of her, "is Maggie around?"
"Hermione, this is a surprise," the matron-type women said, returning Hermione's smile, "Healer Gower is on the wards checking her patients, but should be back in about half an hour, if you want to wait."
"That would be great, thanks." Hermione sat down in one of the chairs that was against the wall in the small reception area, bent to get a book out of her bag and felt the same stinging sensation in her stomach that she had felt this morning. Trying to ignore it, she sat up and enlarged then opened her book, ready to wait until she could be seen.
"Hermione," Christine said somewhat hesitantly, making the younger witch look up from what she was reading, "honey, you're bleeding." Frowning, Hermione looked down at her stomach and saw a thin line of red staining her blouse.
"Oh," she said, her mind going numb, "this can't be good." Memorised by the red slash that was slowly getting bigger, she didn't see Christine send a summons to her boss or her Healers entrance into the office a few moments later.
"Hey missy," the young Healer said cheerfully as she came straight to Hermione's side and helped her up.
"Hi Maggie," Hermione replied, her voice sounding distant in her ears as she let herself be led into the examination room and office of her friend, "I think things have taken a turn for the worse."
"So I see," Maggie replied, letting Christine place Hermione's belongings in the room before leaving, "lets get you in some robes." With little more talk, Maggie began her examination of Hermione.
Hermione let herself be poked and prodded with no complaint - she was used to it. She also knew what was going to happen next, the results confirming the news she had already started to process in her mind. All thoughts of Harry's morning antics had gone and as she sat, bandaged and in a borrowed blouse, looking at the woman who had looked after her for the last five and a half years. Hermione took a deep breath and waited for Maggie to speak.
"I think you already know what I'm going to say," she said softly, "but it's not going to make the diagnosis any easier. I'm so sorry Hermione." Hermione nodded, fighting back the tears that she felt were so unnecessary - she knew this would happen one day.
"I have to be here for Ron and Luna. Their baby is due the middle of September. And Ginny and Neville…"
"I'm not sure if September is going to be an option…"
"That's only two months away," Hermione sighed, "I haven't even got two months?"
"The curse has activated and has begun to do what we have been fighting all this time. Your wounds will get worse as they deepen. Your body will struggle, causing the exhaustion to also worsen."
"What can I do Maggie? Can I do anything?"
"We definitely can do much to help you be around for baby Weasley number two," the healer said, emphasising the 'we' in her statement, "and you can still be a bridesmaid for young Ginny. But you will need to make some changes."
"Like what?"
"You will need to rest as much as you can which means no more Healer training, tube catching or marathon running."
"Right, I'll stop the training for the London Marathon straight away," Hermione laughed before sobering, "lucky I still have a few books to read at home."
"Yes, because that will be all you will be doing. I will visit daily to check on you and dress your wounds. We can look at home help when things like bathing get too much…"
"It will get that bad?"
"Unfortunately. We've already discussed that you wanted to stay at home until the end so eventually you will need help." Maggie and Hermione looked at each other, Hermione's tears still not progressing to running down her face.
"Can you be there? When I tell them?" Hermione could handle the pain and discomfort her injuries caused and she had come to terms with the shortness of her life for quite a while now. But telling all those around her, those who she loved more than anything, those who had been with her throughout her struggle - telling them that the end was now only a few months away was going to be the hardest thing she has ever had to do.
"I'll be there Hermione," Maggie replied, coming around her desk and drawing her patient into a hug. Hermione couldn't hold the tears back anymore as she returned her friends embrace and silently she cried on her shoulder.
The trip home seemed to take a lot longer than the trip to St Mungo's. Hermione had told the supervisor of her course that she could no longer take part and walked away with a tinge of sadness. She said her goodbyes to the others of her class that she bumped into and then it was over.
Sitting on the train, her mind began to logically list all the things she needed to do before she was no longer capable and by the time she got to the flat, she was ready to sort her life out and make sure she was prepared.
Determined to get as much of her tasks done while they were still fresh in her mind, Hermione got everything she needed in one place and settled down to begin. With parchment and quill ready in front of her, a drink and some food to the side for later and a purring Crookshanks on her lap, she pushed the button on the remote control to the stereo and the music of a band she had never heard of before began to register through the house.
One of the few things Harry bought straight away was a stereo. He had grown to love Muggle music after his years working in bars and his selection of CD's had interested Hermione after his settlement into the flat. She found his taste more on the harsher, noisy type music but every now and then she found herself enjoying a track or two from musicians she had never heard of. Her selection today had been random. The blue cover with a close up of a face of a woman seemed interesting, so with little thought she put it into the CD player.
Ideas began to flow onto the parchment, things that she knew she needed to do and organise while she still could; a guardian for Crookshanks, who would have her personal possessions like photographs and the like, the sale of her flat, changing her will to now include Harry. The list continued to grow. She had thought of many of the items before but had told herself there was going to be a more appropriate time to make the decisions that needed to be made - this was now the time.
Pausing in her thoughts, she was distracted by the song that was now playing. A female voice full of emotion was singing words that struck Hermione's heart.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Harry. These words were about her and Harry. Forgetting the parchment in her hands, she grabbed the remote and turned up the volume, listening to the rest of the song.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
This was her song. This was how she had felt during the time he had been away from her. This stranger was singing words that belonged to Hermione and her shock suddenly wiped all other thought from her mind.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
The song ended but Hermione made it start again. The opening verse, sung softly and beautifully, made her think again of her relationship with Harry.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Harry. This song was about her and Harry. She listened to it over and over again, its lyrics embedded in her brain. He had gone but he stayed with her, in her heart, making her insane with the memories and the dreams she had had of their future together, which had disappeared with him. All the times she had been there for him, comforting him - just being with him. And like the song said, he had all of her. No matter how much she tried to deny it, no matter how much she told herself she was happy that he was no longer alone, no matter how many times she told herself that it was for the best - he still had all of her.
Subconsciously her hand rubbed over the bandages that covered her stomach, covered the wounds that can never heal. But the song meant emotional wounds, wounds of a lost love that can't be replaced. Hermione felt those too.
All those years wasted. All those years when he had fought his battle without her and now they only had two months, at the most, to…what, she didn't really know. The song began again and the despair she had held back began to break through her walls. She needed more time, she wanted more time. How could God give her back the man she loved and then tell her she had to leave him after less than a year together.
It wasn't fair. Tears began to roll down her face, silent and large, as she continued to listen to the words of her song.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just so real
There's just so much that time cannot erase
Time. She wanted more time. She wanted time to see her godchildren grow. She wanted time to see Ginny, her best friend, enjoy motherhood herself. She wanted…
She wanted to grow old with the man she loved. But that wasn't going to happen. It wasn't fair. Her tears were no longer silent and she hadn't even noticed that Crookshanks was no longer with her. Without even thinking, when the song finished - she had it repeat again. She had slipped to the floor, her sobs wracking her body as her sorrow for what she had lost and what she was loosing continued to consume her. She didn't hear the front door open or Harry call her name. The first time she was aware of his presence was when he knelt down in front of her and took her in his arms.
"It's not fair," she said, her voice muffled from her cries and his shoulder.
"I know, I know," he soothed, his hand stroking her hair.
"I don't want to die Harry!"
She felt the anguish in her voice but didn't have the power to control it. Harry didn't reply and instead pulled her closer. Through her tears she could hear his heart beat, and the smell that was so distinctly Harry. These two factors plus the security she felt from Harry's embrace began to calm her down and soon she pulled away, suddenly embarrassed that she had let her guard down so completely. Wiping her running nose and tear stained face on her sleeve (until Harry handed her a clean handkerchief) she kept her eyes downcast, aware of his arm still wrapped around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry," she whispered when she finally felt she had everything under control.
"What for?" he asked softly.
"For feeling so incredibly sorry for myself. For having you witness that…"
"Hermione, you have nothing to apologise for. Do you want to talk about it?" She bowed her head a little lower and felt the tears return, abstractly watching the wet patches their fall made as they landed on her trousers.
"I'm running out of time Harry," she sighed, "but I'm going to do everything I can to last until Ron's new baby." She felt him tense, but didn't trust herself to look at him. One down, so many more to go.
"I'm going to help you get through this," he said after a few moments.
"There's nothing you can do…"
"There is plenty that I can do. I can be here for you, which is a lot more than I have been." She finally looked up at him and saw the determination is his eyes - his beautiful green eyes.
"You deserve more than to be my nurse…"
"I don't deserve anything. You are the one that should have the world Hermione."
"I will, I guess. When this is all over." She watched as his eyes glistened with tears and noticed for the first time, that he had already been crying. With a sad smile, she took him into her arms and together they cried some more.
A/N - Portkey and/or my computer is going very slow at the moment and answering all your lovely reviews is taking a lot longer than normal so - I have read them, and will answer when things speed up again. Thanks for taking the time to drop me a line!