Chapter 2
Remus walked down the stairs, entering the common room wearing a highly bright and noticeable scarf to cover the highly bright and noticeable 'Sirius bite' that was engraved into his neck. He ambled over to Sirius who was looking highly sorrowful; Remus could tell by the dramatic cries he hollered unnecessarily every few seconds. His cries seeming to be encouraging others to cry as well, but in pain, as their ear drums burst with his booming.
"Padfoot," Remus began warily, tapping Sirius on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"
Sirius turned around from sticking some sort of poster on the notice board and brightened at Remus' appearance.
"Lovely scarf, Moony. Really brings out your eyes." Sirius tugged on the scarf a little too hard, causing Remus to slightly choke. He then decided to try and tickle Remus' nose with it.
"You scare me sometimes, Sirius," Remus noted, looking cross-eyed as he scrunched his nose at the tickling.
"You look a little red. Your face is all blotchy and covered in rashes," Sirius said distastefully.
"Its this bloody scarf," Remus grunted, scratching at the top of his neck. "I'm all itchy. I think I'm allergic to the material."
"Moony," he sighed, "you can't be allergic to a scarf, you berk!" He laughed with much gusto, and Remus rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Sirius took on an unusual deep face. "I have news of the grave, my fellow marauder."
"Don't you mean grave news?" Remus corrected.
"Whatever. I have to tell you," Sirius paused dramatically. "Prongs is missing."
Remus blinked. "What?"
"Prongs is missing! He's gone!"
Remus couldn't help but chuckle.
"Why are you laughing? This is not a humours matter!" Sirius proclaimed.
"Sorry. It was just funny the way you said it as if James was a lost pet."
"But he is a lost pet!" exclaimed Sirius. "We've lost our pet stag! We've lost our Prongsie!"
"Why are you talking as if James is our child?" Remus asked, thoroughly disturbed.
"But he is our child!" Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him violently. "Our little ridiculously messy haired, four-eyed freaky boy is out there lost in the world! No food, no water, no shelter-"
"Padfoot, stop it, I'm getting nauseous," Remus interrupted as Sirius stopped waggling him. "What are you even talking about? He can't have left Hogwarts. He's probably just moping around the corridors after the whole broom closet incident. You know Lily was especially annoyed at him for 'interrupting her privacy' and has been avoiding him ever since she moaned his name."
"But I haven't seen him all day. Can't a Padfoot be worried?" Sirius asked, not giving Remus time to answer. "We have to go find him!"
"Sirius, I think he wants his privacy to have a face like a smacked arse-"
"But Moony! I've already made posters!"
"What?" Remus said dreadfully.
Sirius stepped to one side, revealing the notice board which had been advertising hogsmeade weekends and quidditch practice times, but was now covered by a large poster bearing the words 'MISSING BOY'.
"Oh God," Remus muttered. He read the poster as Sirius smiled proudly at his handiwork. "'Please find our lost James Potter. Calls to the name of 'Prongs'," Remus read aloud. "Five foot something, lanky with untamed hair. Infatuation with Lily Evans. Approach with caution, he may be hysterical'."
Remus looked to the enormous picture below the writing and heading. "What on earth is that?"
"It's Prongs!" Sirius pointed to the moving picture of a baby sprawled out on a rug. "I nicked it out of the Potters photo album. I was going to use it for blackmail but this opportune moment arose."
"Are you sure that's James?" Remus asked warily, looking at the picture. The baby did have wild dark hair, though the baby was wearing a flowery dress. Remus wasn't sure if James had mentioned to him if he had a sex change when he was an infant.
"Of course it is," insisted Sirius. "You know James has a fetish for dressing up in women's clothes. Remember that one time he wore that red glittery dress, the one with the tassels?"
"Yes," Remus began, disturbed by Sirius' accurate description. "But that was at his sixteenth birthday party, he was not sober, and you dared him to."
"I always knew cross-dressing started at a young age," Sirius replied, not listening to a word he was saying. Remus turned his attention back to the poster, reading the apparent reward money for James return.
"One knut," Remus read aloud, eyeing his eyebrows to the shrugging Sirius. "That's all Prongs is worth: one knut."
"Moony, you know how poor I am!"
Sirius suddenly sneezed into his hand. At this abrupt jerk, a handful of galleons fell out of his sleeve and landed to the floor. Remus raised an eyebrow.
"That's not mine," Sirius denied. At this note, a first year clambered over, crawling on his knees to pick up the free money that was dropped to the floor. "OI! You little bugger! MY GALLEONS!" Sirius stepped on the boy's hand. He turned back to Remus with a fake smile.
"Okay..." Remus was clearly unbalanced. "Where's Peter?" he asked curiously.
"Oh, Wormtail? I sent him out on a search party."
"A what party?"
Their heads suddenly turned to the sound of a group entering the common room. Stepping through the portrait were what looked to be a hoard of small students, most likely first years, surrounded by Peter who easily blended with the other tiny people. Peter led the group, all students dressed in some sort of uniform of matching t-shirts. All t-shirts decorated with the same baby picture of James in a frilly dress, detailed with the words 'HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?'
"Padfoot," Remus sighed. "Were the t-shirts really necessary?"
"Yes. They were fun to make."
"But I made them," Peter reminded him.
"Oh yeah...Wormtail, and search party," Sirius addressed the group, "Report back to me."
Peter looked uncomfortable and did not answer.
"Hey, you there!" Sirius poked a goofy-toothed boy with a twitching eye. "Did you find James?"
"N-no, sir."
Sirius gasped. "You didn't find him! What am I paying you little brats for?"
"You're not paying us, sir," a blonde haired girl reminded him as she raised her hand.
"Oh yeah..." Sirius remembered.
"Er, what's with the large nets?" asked Remus, picking a net on a long handle from one of the search party members. The net looked big enough to catch a small dog and similar to what evil animal catchers carried. He didn't know why the nets, along with the ridiculous t-shirts, were necessary to find James who had probably just gone on a stroll of the Hogwarts grounds.
"Okay then, team!"Sirius stood on a common room chair, accidentally stumbling and falling off. He glared at the first years that had sniggered. He climbed on the chair again, and whistled to get their attention. "Let's go over the plan." Sirius produced a blue-print of Hogwarts castle with his wand. Well, when I say blue-print, I mean a doodle of the school that Sirius drew in Herbology. He conjured a pointer as he displayed his map to the party.
"Now, we are here," Sirius explained, pointing the stick to his doodle of the gryffindor common room, regrettably aiming the pointer too hard as it ripped a hole through the page. "Crapping doo doo!"
"Sirius, no swearing in front of the younger students," Remus told him off.
"This is bullshit! You're talking out of your own arse, you stupid wanker!" A black haired first year yelled, arms crossed, looking relatively bored. The boys gaped at the girl.
"Hey," Sirius said, jumping off the chair and walking up to her, making Remus think he was about to tell her off for her bad language. "You," Sirius began as he looked at the girl, "speak good! You speak very good!" He grinned widely as Remus shook his head.
"You can have a whistle!" Sirius rewarded the girl, handing the displeased first year with a whistle on a chain. She looked at her 'prize', and then looked at Sirius, then back at the prize, then back at Sirius.
"What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Shove it up your arse?" suggested the girl.
"I can take that whistle back off you, y'know!" Sirius threatened. The girl looked completely oblivious to Sirius's 'menacing' manner. "You can use it if you find James, and then blow on it and we'll come over," he explained.
"Or I could just shove it up your butt," the black-haired girl suggested again.
"Alright, wise-arse, so taking the whistle back now!" Sirius tried to grab for the toy but the girl determinedly held it in her hands.
"Back off! It's mine!" the girl screamed with odd possessiveness.
"Give it here!" Sirius shouted.
Remus watched, gaping, whilst Peter looked anxious at Sirius wrestling with the midget. If this first year was so evil, what about the others?
"No wonder that guy James ran away! With a weird friend like you, I don't blame him!" the girl laughed.
"Take that back, bitch!" Sirius screamed. The girl yelped as Sirius grabbed at her pigtails.
"For goodness sake, Sirius, let go of her!" Remus pulled back his friend who was wailing like a gorilla. Sirius gradually lessened his hysterical state and calmed down.
"You're right, Moony. This is a difficult time, we all need to stay together," Sirius sniffed, "for James sake."
The first years all replied with an agreeing 'here, here!' and Peter even gave Sirius a supportive hug. Remus looked at them all as if they'd gone insane, which they clearly had done.
"Now, back to the map." Sirius climbed back on the chair, getting out the pointer again. "We've covered the points, here and here," he said, "now, we will search this part of the castle, going round in a clockwise direction, meeting back at 1800 hours and-"
"Padfoot!" Remus interrupted tiredly. "Am I the only sane one here? That was a rhetorical question," he added before Sirius answered." James has probably gone on a walk for some time alone. Just leave him to sulk. He probably just went to the astronomy tower-"
"Oh God! He might have gone for a walk OFF the ASTRONOMY TOWER!" he yelled hysterically.
"No," Remus shook his head at once, "I didn't mean-"
"Search party, carry on searching!" Sirius ordered as he jumped off the chair and dragged the gagging Remus painfully by the scarf.
"Moony and I have to go. See you later, Wormtail," Sirius told Peter as he pulled Remus towards the exit of the common room.
"Sirius! Wait!" Peter called after him.
Sirius and a choking Remus spun around.
"What?"
"I was thinking…would these t-shirts look nicer in a midnight blue, or maybe fuchsia?" Peter asked as he modelled by spinning.
Sirius stared at him blankly. "Go with the fuchsia," he replied, then skipped out of the common room with poor Remus in tow.
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"Right," Sirius said embarrassingly. "So James wasn't in the astronomy tower, then."
"No, but those couple of seventh years snogging each others faces off were instead," replied Remus, blatantly annoyed.
They were strolling down the corridor, still on the search for their lost marauder. Sirius was still comically upset, and Remus was itched frenziedly at his skin.
"Where could that baboon be…." Sirius exhaled noisily, referring to James. "Moony, stop a minute, I need a piddle."
"Excuse me?"
"Y'know, I need to, er, ease oneself?" Sirius carried on.
"What?"
"Spend a penny," he suggested, hoping Remus would understand but was clueless to any of the phrases. Remus looked at him vacantly.
"I need a piss!" Sirius said at last. "Bugger, shit, arse, where's the nearest bathroom?" He crossed his legs. Remus couldn't help but snigger at his friend in his position.
"Uh," Remus looked down the corridor, "All I can think of is the girl's bathroom-"
"Let's go!" Sirius said hurriedly, and Remus felt suffocated once more as he was suddenly pulled by the scarf and dragged down the corridor.
"Why do I have to go? I don't need the toilet. We're not girls!" Remus argued, moaning as Sirius pushed him through the door of the nicknamed 'Moaning Myrtle's bathroom'. Sirius immediately ran into a cubicle, leaving Remus to stand awkwardly in the gloomy, damp floored lavatory. Remus heard the sound of Sirius sighing with satisfaction, and the sound of tinkling of what he imagined was Sirius 'relieving himself'.
Remus exhaled noisily -his well know trait- and walked over to one of the cracked, spotted mirrors on the wall. He groaned at his reflection: a bold red face covered in rashes. The only scarf he owned being the vibrant colour of red did not at all compliment his face. Remus pressed a hand to his neck, intending to scratch from the irritating material.
"I can hear you scratching, Moony, stop it," Sirius called from inside one of the cubicles.
"I wouldn't have to be scratching if you didn't bite me-Aaaargh!" Remus yelled as a girl's reflection appeared in the mirror. He clutched his chest, recovering from the abrupt heart attack that had taken over him, and faced the ghost Myrtle with a seriously peeved face.
"Not another boy!" the ghost yelled, floating towards Remus and tugging on his scarf.
"Nice to see you too, Myrtle," Remus replied with a grim expression. "What's everyone's obsession with pulling the sodding scarf!" he shrieked.
"I've said, Merlin knows how many times: no boys are supposed to be in here," she said suspiciously. "There's already been that freaky boy in here all day dunking his head in the toilet. All I want is some peace and quiet and all I can hear is him flushing!"
"What freaky boy?" Sirius asked, stepping out of the cubicle, trouser fly boldly open.
"Ugh," spat Myrtle. She shielded her eyes from Sirius crotch and pointed to one of the cubicles where the tattered door was shut. As their eyes curiously landed on the occupied cubicle, they heard the sound of the toilet flushing. Flushing again. Then flushing once more.
"Someone's got serious toilet problems," Sirius commented. "Must have clogged it up, right Moony? Y'know what I mean," he chuckled and elbowed Remus with a cheeky smile, "Maybe they had too much at dinner and they're like, constipated or have diarrhoea and-"
"Stop talking, Padfoot," Remus cut in. He walked towards the engaged cubicle with Sirius obediently following his steps. Moaning Myrtle floated above them, making the noises of a heart beat to add to the tension.
"Stop that," Sirius rebuked her.
Slowly, Remus pushed the door open and discovered a well known boy kneeling before a toilet.
James Potter being in the girl's bathroom was a little strange. What was also strange was seeing the boy with his head down the toilet, flushing the handle repeatedly as he was trying to drown himself in the loo water.
"Did I or did I not I say to try kill yourself with the toilet? What did I say about Snape peeing in it? What did I bloody say!" Sirius exclaimed like a furious parent.
Remus tried a more sensitive approach. "What are you doing, James?"
"Leave me alone," he replied glumly, a face full of dirty water; glasses included. He flushed the handle of the toilet again, water splashing against his face. "It's not working. I'm not dead. Why am I not dead?"
"Oh yeah! Rub it in, why don't you!" Myrtle shouted. "You boys, all healthy and alive." She flew off into her own cubicle with an angry wail.
"Right..." Remus spoke, again clearly unbalanced, "what depressing thoughts are you drowning yourself in…literally?"
"S'not fair," James gurgled in the water.
"This isn't about a girl that rhymes with the word 'Monday', is it?" Sirius asked.
"If you're talking about Lily, I'd just like to mention that the words 'Lily' and 'Monday' do not rhyme together," Remus rectified.
"Yeah they do. Lil-ly," repeated Sirius, "Mon-day...no, wait...bugger."
"Lily..." James groaned, gurgling in the toilet water. "She hates me. I tried talking to her in the common room. She hates me…"
"What did you do?" Remus questioned with worry.
"I kind of asked her out again. And all I told her was that I cursed Derrick with boils and she flipped," James explained, his voice echoing in the toilet bowl.
"James," Remus groaned. "You did both of the things she hates. You asked her out and cursed someone."
"I feel like my heart has been ripped out and put into one of those muggle inventions. You know, the one that makes those damn good milkshakes?"
"A blender?" Remus offered.
"Yes. One of those."
"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. "I have a plan."
James quickly removed his head from the toilet and turned to Sirius who had raised his eyebrows suggestively, also pointing to the imaginary light bulb that was hovering above his head due to the sudden idea that he'd thought of.
"A plan?" James brightened.
"A plan," Sirius confirmed, helping James to his knees, about to ruffle his hair but noticed it was soggy so decided against it.
"You're waterlogged," Sirius mentioned to James' dripping face. "You look like a drowned rat. No offence to Peter."
Remus showed an obvious worried expression. "Sirius, what exactly is your scheme?"
"Don't worry, Moony, you know I'd never put Prongs and Evans in much danger."
This did not calm Remus. However, James looked quite delighted; any plan to get Lily was good in his eyes. He would try anything to get his red haired beauty.
The three marauders made their way towards the exit of the bathroom, startled by a first year girl entering in a hurry as she pushed past them on the verge of peeing her pants. Sirius and Remus recognized her to be belongto James' search party for many reasons.
"Why exactly is that girl wearing a picture of my mother as a baby on her fuchsia colored t-shirt?" James asked, harshly pushed outside the bathroom by Sirius and Remus as they made their way back to the common room.