Chapter 5
"Oh Merlin!" Remus shrieked, clutching his hands at the new James Potter cheeks he now owned. He ran a hand through his present dark and messy hair. "No way," he breathed, "untamed hair."
"Rrhhuh," James muffled in an annoyed voice, signalling to Remus to get his attention back on the real James Potter.
"How could this have happened?" Remus asked hysterically, examining his arms and hands. Arms like runner beans, as Sirius poetically described.
"Rrhhuh," James mumbled louder and more impatient. He was gagging on a sock and covered in toothpaste; not at all happy.
Remus, in his bewildered state, bent down to his knees and swiftly untied James' arms and legs. Feeling he would get gratitude from being rescued, he was a little shocked to have the berserk James suddenly spring on him, gripping his neck.
"I'm gonna behead you, Sirius!" James exclaimed, grabbing Remus' neck; or oddly, his own neck, as Remus now looked like him. It was a strange feeling to be strangling himself yet he didn't seemed to find himself stopping anytime soon.
"What are you talking about?" Remus yelled, choking. "I'm not Sirius! I'm Remus!" James was still not convinced, assuming he was lying. "You said the word 'gonna' which is grammatically incorrect! Use 'going to'!" he rectified, hoping James would see he was actually Remus Lupin. At his words, James quickly dropped his hands from his neck in realisation.
"Moony? You drank the polyjuice potion too?"
"Polyjuice potion?" Remus repeated. "Oh no..." he groaned, now realising what he'd drank from the bedside table. "This is ridiculous. I saw you, James, I think, leaving the common room with Peter."
"That must have been Sirius," James said bitterly, kicking the sink in frustration which led to him howling in pain.
"Why did Sirius even use the potion to turn into you in the first place?" Remus found himself already answering the question himself. "Lily…"
"That girl causes me all kinds of trouble," James commented, wiping toothpaste that somehow gotten onto his face.
"So," Remus started slowly, "I'm you, and Sirius is also you."
"Shit," James groaned, slamming his head against the bathroom wall. "Please don't tell me there are three James Potter's currently in Hogwarts."
"Is that what you want to hear?"
"Not particularly." James slammed his head on the wall every five seconds, sounding like a regular drum beat.
"Then: no," Remus lied. "There are not three James Potter's in school today. Although one has gone off to 'seduce' Lily," he remembered 'James' telling him in the common room. "Whilst two James Potter's are currently in this bathroom. One contemplating therapy after this is over."
"Two contemplating therapy," James corrected, hurling his head at the wall again.
"Right."
Remus pinched his unfamiliar James Potter arm to try and wake himself from this horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream, and now Remus only had bruises due to finger pinching.
"Don't do that to yourself, I mean, to me, er..." James stopped, puzzling himself by his words. "I've had a disturbing morning," he explained, noticing Remus' odd look. "Sirius felt his buttocks in front of me, er, I mean my buttocks, well, you know what I mean. And now I'm talking to you who looks like me and I think I'm going insane."
"You think you're going insane? I'm you. I thought I was drinking water, and now I'm you. And my trousers are too tight and my shirt is breaking my ribs."
"Hey, you should find it honour to be James Potter," James said, oddly cheerful considering the circumstances. "Great, now I'm hysterical." He realised he shouldn't be feeling uplifting considering Sirius Black was walking around Hogwarts in his body, saying stuff in his body, and doing stuff in his body. "We have to go find Sirius." James grabbed for his robe.
"What?" Remus paled. "James, you can't go running after Sirius because he looks exactly like you! What are people going to say if they see both of you at the same time! Everyone will go crazy!"
"I don't care," James said shortly.
"Look, James," Remus tried to remain calm, "I'll come help you look for Sirius but we have to wear some sort of disguises so we won't be recognised, okay?"
Stubbornly, James remained silent and crossed his arms.
"Please James?" he begged.
"You don't know how strange it is to see myself look so pathetic," James grumbled. Remus raised his eyebrows. "Alright, alright! We'll wear your bloody disguises," he gave in, pulled along by the boy who looked like him towards Sirius' wooden chest beside his bed.
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"Well….This is mental."
James was now wearing a red sparkly dress with the tassels, the exact dress he wore when he was hammered on his sixteenth party. Why? This was his disguise so he would not be recognised.
"Why women's clothing, Moony? Why, why, why?"
"We'll have more of a chance of not being identified," Remus explained, uncomfortably lowering the skirt on waist. He was not wearing a dress, but more of a sophisticated number of a skirt and a lace, flowery shirt.
"But this is mental!" James repeated, looking at his body in revulsion. One; because he was wearing a red dress, and two: because it seemed to suit him. "Why does it appear as if I've seen this dress before?"
"One word: alcohol," Remus said simply, repositioning the wig on his head. He now owned black hair that cascaded past his shoulders, and he did not like having long hair, due to the fact that it kept irritating him by covering his eyes and also kept getting dangled around his neck. He was certainly glad he was not a girl, or Sirius.
"Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?" James asked bitterly. He straightened the wig on his head, light blonde wavy tresses that were a drastic colour change from his dark messy brown.
"Trust me, cross-dressing was not on my list of 'things to do' today."
"Cross-dressing was not on my list of 'things to do' ever," James retorted. "Merlin knows why Sirius owns all this fancy dress stuff," he said disgustedly, dropping an afro wig back into the chest.
"You know Sirius. He protests his girlfriends thought the costumes were 'kinky'," Remus said. He examined a tight, leather suit from arm's length and tossed it back into the chest.
"Are we done now? Or do you want to put make-up or condition your hair or something?" teased James.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, we can go. I think we've been disguised enough, but you have to wear these." He handed James horrid objects of torture: high heel shoes.
"Nooooo!" James cried, backing away, oddly shielding his eyes as if the footwear would suddenly blind him. "I am NOT wearing those...those things!"
Remus sighed in exasperation. "You can't wear those school shoes with that dress," he pointed out, thrusting the high heels towards him.
James batted his hand away in fear. "Since when have you become the bloody fashion consultant?"
"Just put them on! You're wasting time."
"No way!" James shook his head determinedly. "They are practically towers on your feet! They lift you at least five foot off the ground!" he complained.
"I think you mean five inches," Remus corrected, "besides, you play quidditch! You're used to heights."
Remus smiled in satisfaction as James failed to find an excuse for his great quidditch abilities.
"Whatever!" James said childishly. "I'm not wearing them so you can stick those heel high things up your arse."
"You'll wear them," Remus said threateningly, "or you won't go at all." He sounded oddly like a parent.
"I am going and without wearing those friggin shoes."
"No, seriously, you have to wear them because Sirius took your school shoes."
"What? No he-" James began to argue, then glanced down at his bare feet. "Bastard!" James grabbed the high heels from Remus and swiftly put them on. "They're my new ones as well. Sirius burnt my last ones. I had to walk around with holes in them for two sodding weeks!"
"Okay then." Remus dusted off his girly clothes and put on a pair of flat sandals he's found, much to James' annoyance.
"Let's get this over with." James flicked his blonde hair over his shoulder and walked unstably towards the exit of the dorm.
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"I think James has man boobs," Sirius declared, holding his hands over his chest. "What do you think, Wormtail?"
"No comment," Peter replied, watching Sirius in James' body clutching his chest was rather horrifying. "Shouldn't we get back to the plan?"
"Oh yeah," Sirius remembered. They were walking along the corridor and had just passed the great hall and got momentarily distracted by the food, now munching on fairy cakes.
"Right, finding whatserface," Sirius mumbled, mouth full of cake crumbs. "We've checked the library and all those book worm places. Let's check the grounds."
"But it's cold outside," Peter moaned.
"Well you should have brought a jumper."
"But it would have covered my shirt." Peter readjusted his dark glasses, puffing out his chest.
"Right..." Sirius shot Peter an odd look. "Let's go outside," he said, in the need of fresh air.
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"Ow, ow, OW!" James groaned, stopping in the corridor and leaning against the wall for the twentieth time in the last ten minutes. James and Remus had gotten some curious looks as they walked around the school. Students had simply thought they were girls visiting from another school that dressed very extravagantly, with matching strangely low male voices.
"Bloody girly shoes!" James lifted a leg up and rubbed his foot that was covered in blisters.
"We have to keep moving or we'll never find Sirius in time," Remus pressed, dragging James by the arm. James stumbled as he was balancing on one leg, being literally pulled by himself. He would never get used to be being ordered by someone that looked exactly like him.
"I've never felt like punching myself in the face until now," James said under his breath.
"I don't know where on earth Lily or Sirius is. We'll have to ask someone," Remus suggested.
As if on cue, a passing seventh year Slytherin walking down the corridor spotted them. Coking an eyebrow and a cheeky smile, the boy approached them.
"Hello there, ladies," the Slytherin growled, cornering James and Remus against the wall. James frowned at the stranger whilst Remus smacked James on the arm.
"Hello there," Remus said politely, making his voice higher to match a girl's, much too high that it sounded squeaky half way through the greeting. Expectantly, Remus looked at James to give the boy a hello.
"Hello," James answered unenthusiastically. Remus glared at him, ordering him to act more like a girl or they may be found out, especially when the Slytherin was looking suspiciously at him. "I mean," James suddenly took on a fake smile and fluttered his eyelashes, twisting a strand of his fake blonde hair around his finger. "Hi!" he said brightly, too brightly then he nearly deafened the Slytherin.
The nameless boy smiled, more relaxed at James' sudden attentiveness. "I've never seen you two here before. What's your names?"
"My name's Re-," Remus abruptly stopped when he realised he was just about to give his real, full name. "Er, Re-anna! My name's Rhiana!"
"Who's your sister?" The boy asked, figuring Remus and James were related due to their exact faces.
"Ja-," Remus quickly stepped on his high-heeled foot before he made the same mistake of giving his boy name when he was posing as a girl. "Ja-melia. It's Jamelia," James grunted.
"Are you visiting from another school?" The Slytherin asked with curiosity.
"Um, yeah," Remus agreed uncertainly. "We're from...Beauxbatons?" he remembered the school name from a book he'd read on magical schools.
"Beauxbatons, really?"
James rolled his eyes. "No, we're lying," he said dryly. Immediately, Remus burst into fake, anxious laughter and forced James to join in.
"Ignore my sister!" Remus squeaked. "She's just shy."
James scowled, folding his arms in a visible mood.
"So you're, like, from France?" The Slytherin questioned.
James barked a laugh. "Beauxbatons isn't in France, you tit."
Remus exasperatingly shook his head in frustration.
"I think you'll find it is," the Slytherin rectified, giving James an odd look.
"Ignore Jamelia!" Remus faked laughter once more. "We've just been visiting the astronomy classroom. She's smelled too much of the fumes!"
James gave a fake smile to Slytherin to confirm that he had.
"Right. So, your accents. They don't sound very French," the boy noticed.
"We're from Scotland," James blurted out. Remus gave him a bizarre look, wondering what on earth possessed James to say that.
"Scotland? But you don't have Scottish accents."
"We were brought up in England," Remus lied hesitantly.
"Then we moved to France." James explained.
"And went to Beauxbatons," Remus finished.
"Wow," the boy said in interest. "You've certainly travelled a lot."
"Yes. We know French," James conjured with arrogance. Remus looked at him furiously for the ridiculous things he was making up; if he was going to lie, then at least make up something remotely believable.
"I know French too," the Slytherin announced. James and Remus' faces dropped worriedly. "Vous les deux regard étourdissant magnifiquement. Etes-vous les deux seul?"
James and Remus turned white. Neither of them knew what the hell he was rambling on about, although they had a feeling he was hitting on them both.
"Wee?" James answered uncertainly, remembering Sirius telling him that either the word 'piss' or 'wee' was 'yes' in French. His lucky guess was right and the Slytherin looked happy at his answer.
"Un baiser dans votre pays n'est-il pas une salutation de bonjour? Est-ce que ça vous ennuierait si je vous ai embrassé les deux?" the Slytherin asked, winking.
"Er...Wee?" James repeated again, wishing this conversation would be over very, very soon. The boy somehow brightened even more at his reply and leaned towards him and Remus with pouted lips and closed eyes.
"Um, we were looking for James Potter!" Remus yelled, putting his hands in front of his face, whilst James had frozen with horror and disgust at what the Slytherin nearly did with his dirty mouth. The boy swiftly opened his eyes and stopped closing towards them.
"James Potter?" he said disappointedly, backing away from them.
"Yeah, that gorgeous hunk," James made a smug smile. "The one who's got the balls to hit on someone in English."
The Slytherin glared at him. "He's tried for sixth years to do that with Lily Evans and has failed." He glowered and James advanced forward.
"So, do you know where he is?" Remus interrupted, pushing James back. The Slytherin smiled at Remus, taking a shine to him and not to his blonde sister.
"I think I saw him going to the lake with Pettigrew," the boy mentioned.
"Thanks! We must get going!" Remus said hurriedly, dragging James by the arm who looked as if he might remove the high heel from his shoe and stab the boy in the head.
"High heel, more like high hell," James muttered painfully, stumbling as he ran down the corridor and towards the entrance of the school.
The Slytherin watched them retreat down the corridor, wearing a puzzled expression. "Weird sisters…French chicks are strange," he noted.
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Lily stood by the lake, inches away from the water as she looked at her reflection. Her mind was distracted, currently doodling initials of a certain 'J' and 'P' in the notebook she was holding loosely in her hand. She had been daydreaming until a sudden shout startled her, nearly making her fall in the water.
"BOOO!" Sirius yelled, poking Lily's back to get an even more scaring effect.
"AARGH!" Lily shouted, holding onto the apparent James' arm as she nearly stumbled into the water. She immediately pulled away from him once she'd regained her balance, recognizing the boy.
"What are you doing here, Potter?" she asked uncomfortably, shutting the notebook away from his suspicious eyes.
"I've been looking for you, Evans," Sirius growled with seductiveness. Lily frowned at the messy haired boy.
"Well, I like to go to the lake to be alone," she emphasised, turning her attention to the squid splashing in the water.
"No, Evans, you misunderstand," Sirius spoke deeply, making Lily narrow her eyes with confusion. "I've been looking for someone like you all my life."
Lily reddened with anger. "Will you shut up with your cheesy chat-up lines! Why can't you just be yourself?"
"Don't deny your love for me, Evans."
"My love for you?" Lily gaped at him. "I can't believe how arrogant you are!" she said in disbelief, "it's unsettling!"
"All the things I do, I do for you, Evans!" Sirius said theatrically, grabbing her by the hand. Lily abruptly snatched her hand away and hit him with her notebook.
"Get-over-yourself!" Lily said, in between smacks. Sirius shielded his head pathetically.
"C'mon, Evans. I do everything for you! I make you dinner-"
"You have never made me a meal except for that frog spawn soup you gave me in the hospital wing when I was ill!"
Sirius laughed. "That was great prank I did," he said smugly. Of course, Sirius had been the culprit to change James' bowl of chicken soup for a 'laugh'. Sirius abruptly grew buck teeth after James found out.
"I do your laundry!" Sirius protested.
"You stole my underwear!" Lily yelled indignantly.
"I needed a bra to fling stones at the birds!" Sirius argued. "They were pooping on the windows!"
Lily cried out in frustration. "When will you ever grow up? A six year old has more maturity than you posses!"
"But I clean your dishes!"
"You licked my plate of remains of gravy with your tongue," Lily said distastefully. Sirius had to cringe, admitting that the particular James Potter moment of cleaning Lily's plates to get her germs was not one of James' finest hours.
"So what if James is a disgusting pig?" Sirius said tiredly. "Will you just go out with him, so he will stop stalking you and interrupting my busy schedule with beautiful girls by thinking of multiple ways of ending his life?"
"Why are you referring to yourself as a third person?"
Sirius immediately winced. "Umm..." he fumbled, and realised he would have to go onto Plan C of the many 'great plans' of winning Evans over. Quickly, Sirius signalled to Peter who'd been hiding behind a nearby bush. Peter nodded in understanding and revealed himself, wailing as he ran up to Lily.
"What on earth is that noise?" Lily murmured, wondering why she could hear a guy's screaming animal call. She swiftly turned around and was greeted with Peter Pettigrew, and shrieked as Peter pushed her in the lake. Her body hit the water with an almighty splash.
"Ta, Wormtail," Sirius thanked him, because there was an actual plan to Lily being pushed in the water. Somehow putting Lily in danger, and 'James' saving her, would suddenly make the red haired beauty suddenly fall in love with him.
Lily was currently drowning in the lake.
"Oh my goodness!" a boy cried from the edge of the water, eyes widening as he saw Lily wailing her arms and legs confusedly. A crowd of students had gathered by the lake now, everyone suddenly becoming upset; girls were screaming unnecessarily, people were pretending they knew Lily to get involved and sympathy from others.
"Don't worry! I'll save you!" the boy cried, throwing off his robes and intending to enter the lake.
Sirius quickly stopped him. "Oi, get your own drowning girl."
The boy frowned confusedly at him.
Sirius pulled off his robes and graciously took his time whilst he undressed, ready to save Lily's life.
"Er, Sirius, maybe you should hurry up?" Peter suggested, pointing to the lake where Lily was yelping. Her arms were waving in the air as she cried for help, her head slowly going under.
"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm coming," Sirius replied nonchalantly. He made a run up and then dived into the water of the lake; Peter was unfortunately splashed from head to foot.
"My shirt!" he screamed, falling over with the impact of the water. You'd think with the great splash he'd caused he was as big as an obese person, not the lanky James Potter.
Sirius landed in the lake, breathing heavily as his head surfaced in the water. Lily was now by his side, desperately trying to breathe as the water was climbing into her mouth and ears.
This was the moment when Sirius realised that he couldn't swim.
"HELP!" Sirius screamed pathetically, using Lily as some sort of float, which didn't help as he made Lily's head sink further under water. "HELP MEEEEE!"
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"What's going on down there?" Remus asked, as he walked across the grounds towards the lake where a crowd of screaming students had gathered.
"Hey, scuse me," James asked a hysterical third year who was running back towards the school. "What's going on?"
The girl looked at 'her' strangely, wondering why 'she' had such a low voice for a girl and what possessed 'her' to wear such a hideous dress.
"Haven't you heard? Apparently some couple are trying to commit some love pact suicide by drowning themselves in the lake," the girl said, before running off. James and Remus wore the same horrified look. They both sprinted towards the group gathered in the grounds.
"Move! Let me through," James commanded, pushing past a swarm of second years who were pointing towards the water. "Don't make me stab your eyes out with my high heels!" he yelled threateningly. The second years quickly made space for him.
Finally the boys managed to get themselves through the swarm of people and gaped in horror to find 'James' and Lily submerged in the water. Remus looked to Peter who was sitting on the ground, deeply upset and mumbling something about his pink fuchsia t-shirt being ruined.
"HELP MEEE!" Sirius was hollering.
"I thought James Potter could swim?" a girl asked her friend.
"Apparently not."
"Oh God! Lily!" James bawled in horror, watching her struggle to keep her head above the water. The fact that she was not screaming for help, or insults at James, was very worrying. James didn't particularly care about Sirius at this time; Sirius had pulled out his hair and was the reason why he was wearing a dress. In James' opinion, he could drown if he wanted.
"LILY! I'll save you!" James bravely called, taking off his 'loved' shoes.
"Who's she?" A boy asked.
"Dunno. She has a very low voice and from what I can see, a slight stubble too," his friend replied.
However, James was too late to make his rescuing save considering the giant squid currently living in the lake had finally reacted to the two drowning students in the water. The creature suddenly picked the two up by its tentacles and the students gasped as the squid lift the two from the water and dropped them to the grass. Everyone burst into applause at the giant squid's heroics.
"That should be my clapping," Sirius spurted water out of his mouth. Remus swiftly hit him in the back of the head. One; because he was stupid, and two: because he was very, very stupid. In that order.
"Moony, you're ebony haired," Sirius declared. Remus tugged the wig of hair embarrassingly and tried to look as if he was not bothered that he was turning red as a tomato and was standing in a flowery shirt and skirt.
"You're extremely wet," Remus retorted dumbly.
"I'd say that you have more of a right to be embarrassed right now." Sirius squeezed his shirt which made water drip to the ground.
"You squealed like a girl."
"You are a girl," Peter pointed out, pushing his dark glasses further up his nose. Remus had no replying banter to this, so instead took his attention to the real James who looked as if he was about to weep.
"Lily," James breathed, his wig falling off his head. He dropped to his knees and positioned Lily's head on his lap. The girl looked awfully pale and didn't appear to be breathing.
"I think she needs resuscitation," Remus suggested, and regretted his words when he saw the sudden grins on James and the other James' face.
"This is the best day of my life," James said blissfully, puckering his lips as he tilted his head towards the red head of his dreams.
Unfortunately, Lily woke up.
Her eyes shot open and she coughed up water into James' face. He squealed as his face was drenched.
"What happened...?" she asked groggily, trying to pick her head up but only resulted into falling back down onto James' knees.
Lily wiped a hand to her drenched face and focused on a worried upside-down James Head hovering above her, wearing a sparkling red dress. She then turned to a James that was lying next to her, looking wet and soggy. Her eyes finally landed on a James that was standing beside her, dressed in a stylish skirt and shirt of roses.
"Three...James...Potter's?" she mumbled sluggishly, before blacking out.