The Marauder Mystery
"Well that was a fun dinner," said Sirius happily, collapsing onto a large couch in front of the living room fire and stretching out his legs. Everyone else, aside from the Marauders, had retreated to their bedrooms for a spot of much needed sleep to rest their baffled minds.
James, Remus and Peter had situated themselves around the fire - Remus on Sirius' legs at the opposite end of the couch, James on a giant black leather arm chair that had a special little thing to put…well…a thing in, built into the arm rest, and Peter sat cross-legged on the maroon plush, shag rug to the left of the fire (which if you were looking from Peter's perspective, would be the right, due to his absolute incompetence at telling the difference between his left and right…and his right and wrong, for that matter…which nicely compliments his inert ability to not understand his right from left - which is most certainly - wrong).
They all turned to Sirius, each with similar incredulous looks on their weary faces. Remus spoke first.
"You…you…you really have no idea, do you?" hissed Remus, shaking his head in disbelief at his friends' complete non-existent touch with the world around him. His mind seemed to just hover, unsupported by any strand of reality or mental stability.
Sirius looked at Remus blankly and held up his hand waving it in front of his own face and shook his head furiously, following, closely, the movements of his hand.
"I'm sorry, what?" he said vacantly, still staring at his hand in front of his face.
Remus' eye began to twitch slightly and he looked about ready to strangle the boy in front of him, but with an enormous effort, managed to control his instincts - which was generally to maim, mutilate and basically kill, in another form and mind, of course - and just turned to look at James who looked back at him, his expression indifferent, shaking his head, denying Remus the go ahead at the chance to happy-slap Sirius. Remus looked a little disappointed at first but unclenched his fists and blinked a couple of times to suppress his eyes' nervous convulsing.
"Right, well…" Remus began, but cut himself off mid way and decided to ask James what he had been praying for his canine instincts not to do. "What the hell happened back there, Prongs?" he asked abruptly.
Still feeling slightly apathetic to everything around him James slowly turned his head to gaze at Remus; his brow creased that showed he was trying to think…a desperate process for some, but James' mind was smarter than it thought.
"I…" he started but frowned and stared back into the fire. Letting out a sigh he breathed out, "I don't know, Moony…I just, I dunno…I guess I just-"
"You just really pissed Lily off and she stormed out - impressively so." Remus concluded to his broken up, reasonably incoherent explanation. James snorted disgustedly and reached into his pocket, pulling out a folded piece of paper.
By this time, Sirius realised he was missing out on something important and had abandoned frantic hand gazing to join in on the conversation. As he tuned in to the exchange between Remus and James, he noticed the piece of paper James was holding.
"Prongs, what's that?" he asked placing his hands behind his head. Remus watched James curiously, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at the determined expression on James' face.
His eyes suddenly widened and his eyebrows shot up with a certain grace that only a blood-thirsty, man-mauling monster every monthly full-moon could master.
"Don't," said Remus quickly, realising what the piece of paper was. Sirius and Peter looked at him in confusion and James just frowned and glanced at him.
"Don't do what?" he asked innocently.
"Stop thinking about doing what you're thinking of doing and just don't. She's not your average easy girl, and she doesn't deserve that. Plus she'll never fall for it. You know that, James." Remus warned. Sirius and Peter raised their eyebrows in surprise.
"Oooo…you used his first name - this must be serious! What's this about?" said Sirius excitedly removing his legs from under Remus and sitting properly, leaning forward in anticipation. Peter just let out a random squeak and Sirius looked at him and raised an eyebrow, mouthed, 'Ooookay then - strange child' and turned back to the main commotion.
Remus continued to stare at James and said pointedly; "It's the piece of paper, Padfoot…" he turned to Sirius, "You know, the Marauder Mystery…the thing no one can work out about us-"
A dim light seemed to ignite somewhere deep, deep inside of Sirius' mind, and a look of comprehension dawned upon his handsome features.
Remus very quickly continued with, "And don't you dare encourage him!" as Sirius opened his mouth, his face going from one of absolute glee to one of innocence and mock incredulousness.
"Me? Encourage him? You're barking up the wrong tree there, mate," he said with a smirk directed at Remus who just raised his eyebrow. Sirius began to look a little uncomfortable for a second while suffering Remus' piercing gaze, but after a moment or two broke out into a disappointed, sulking child and began pouting.
"Damn it…why did I have to be a bloody dog too…could have been…funny…" he muttered to himself staring intently at the ground as to avoid Remus' triumphant smirk.
Remus just ignored Sirius' huffs and mutters that sounded like, 'wish I was a rabbit' and said amusedly, "You may want to work on your so-called 'witty comments', Padfoot." Remus suggested smugly and laughed slightly but turned back to James who had gotten up and out of his chair, and was now opening up the magically sealed piece of paper.
"Wait!" Remus spoke with haste. "Think about what this is going to involve, James. It's dangerous, especially with her parents staying here too. We agreed never to use that…we haven't done since fifth year, James - let's not go back to it. And besides, you could hurt her even more than you already seem to have done."
"Look, Moony, I don't know what you're on about! This is far from dangerous…and you know as well as I do that my parents and hers are planning a 5 day trip to the Caribbean - which we're not invited to, including Lily…too dangerous with that crazy fuck, Voldemort on the loose," James said to Remus edgily. "All it is is a slightly different way of winning this bet…"
"Fine," said Remus letting out an agitated breath. "Just- oh, do follow them properly; don't go adding to it or changing the course of action."
"I won't." He said shortly, now skimming over the paper. "'Night lads," he said simply and wandering out of the living room and up the stairs.
Remus just watched him go, shaking head in indignation. "He is so stubborn…" he muttered and looked at Sirius who was just sitting with a smile on his face while whistling a flat tune.
Remus rolled his eyes and said, "Sirius, shut up and wipe that ridiculous smile off your face - this isn't funny!"
Sirius immediately stopped and set his face to expressionless.
"Oh come on, Moony, they're only steps to help him out. I mean, let's face it, he's gunna need it. Evan's isn't a girl you can easily win over, especially when she hates your guts," Sirius countered. Remus continued to look unconvinced so Sirius pushed on.
"Hey, look, at least he's not using something stupid like a Love Potion or anything. It's still Evans and James in their same minds; James is just using - err - different tactics to win her…" explained Sirius, a hopeful expression on face - one that pleaded for Remus to give in.
Remus turned his head to Sirius and said very plainly and very simply.
"Yeah, maybe, but Lily will be falling for a different James, Sirius, not the real James we all know. Even though he's been unable to show that to her yet, which in my eyes is his best bet - but as this is a bet we want to win, I'm not going to advise him - however, the manner in which he'll be behaving will be too slick for James…and although I hate to admit it, it's- it's your style, not his - you're the…the…" Remus couldn't bring himself to say it, and boost Sirius' ego even further up the rope of arrogance.
Sirius smiled and finished for him. "You mean I'm the slick one with the ladies, do you not, Moony?"
Moony sighed and closed his eyes as he muttered a quiet, "Yes, Sirius, I mean you're the slick one with the ladies. But- that's not my point. My point is, James isn't like that smooth with the ladies-"
"The way I am, you mean…" Sirius said smugly, grinning happily that Remus was forced to compliment him on something else aside from how good his head is for happy slapping.
Remus rolled his eyes and cringed. "Yeah, sure…whatever…Sirius, seriously now - don't you dare start with that again - James is going to be acting, well, even more out of character than he usually is around Lily for a while. All we need to do is-" Remus ranted, apparently brewing up an idea to stop James before it was too late. But Sirius, however, was getting bored…
"All we need to do!" Sirius said loudly over Remus' voice. "Is to let him play it how he wants to, Moony, my dear old friend. Let's not get involved more than we have to." Sirius said coolly and wisely. Remus just stared at him and bit his lip - a little too hard - flinched at the pain and finally sighed and nodded his head in defeat.
"Oh fine…you're right I guess," Remus said and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Sirius, however, grinned triumphantly and patted Moony on the back only half-heartedly due to his own exhaustion.
"Yeah, Moony, I am right - you're right that I'm right…it's funny really, 'cause I had-" Sirius began and his eyes clouded over as though imagining himself somewhere in which everyone loved him and…well, let's just say that Remus could feel one of Sirius':
'I had a cool dream last night and it was cool 'cause here was all of this…wicked and cool things happening…and then you came up to me when I had done something cool, and said a really COOL thing to me…' speeches; which would then ensue with the poor listener thinking, or even mumbling, shouting and screaming hysterically:
'Oh please, Heaven to Merlin- shut him UP! I can't take it anymore! Please, please- can't you use anything other than the word 'cool' every few words, you annoying, long haired, inarticulate-' and then your mind would create a mental block in which karma would catch up on you and stop you from thinking of a smart, intelligent word to outsmart the unintelligent one.
Sirius, as you can see, drove people to near insanity with his infuriatingly frustrating ramblings using the most damned ridiculous and annoying words known to articulate people. Not that Sirius wasn't smart, because he was- he and James we the top in nearly every class at Hogwarts…but his communication skills…well…let's just say he'd been lunged at a good few times for not shutting up.
"I don't want to hear it, Sirius; no speech, no going on about how I have complimented you against my better judgement - for your sake as well as my own - and please, please - just-don't-talk, okay?" Remus simmered, sounding a little hysterical and mad.
Sirius took his arm off of Remus and put on a fake hurt look and looked the other way, crossing his arms as he did so.
"Must be someone's time of the month," he huffed quietly, but Remus heard him, nevertheless.
"ARGHHH!" Remus growled in an amazingly monster-like manner, his true-wolf showing through clearly. Sirius jumped and squealed like a little girl, running quickly to escape Remus' grasp, who had begun chasing after him, though Remus did have a small playful glint in his eye and a smirk spreading the width of his slightly weary face.
"IIII'MMMM SOWWWWWYYY!!!" cried Sirius in a high-pitched voice all the way up the stairs in a frantic panic, laughing heavily.
***\/***
James entered his room and sat on his bed grasping the piece of paper - not parchment - in his hands. Slowly, he unfolded it again and just stared at it.
Taking a deep breath he whispered, "Okay, you can do this Potter. It's easy-" he stopped himself and rolled his eyes, mentally laughing at his own naivety. "What the- shut up you twat! This is gunna be bloody hard!" he hissed in frustration to his overly-confident ego.
Before he could continue to speak with his other self, his head shot up and he narrowed his eyes. Staring intently at the door he sighed angrily and threw a nearby shoe at it.
"Sod off, Wormtail, before I come over there and squash you, you little rat!" he growled and there came an almost immediate squeak from the door and a faint scuttling. "And tell Padfoot and Moony I'll batter the crap out of them if they come in here until I say they can!" he shouted and was greeted with a loud groan from the other side of the door and a heavy sigh.
"Ohhhh- but-but…no fair!" whined Sirius, "I wanna eavesdrop, so I-"
SLAP!
"OW!" Sirius howled.
"Yeah, that hurt, didn't it? Good. Now shut up screaming and shouting, Black, and go to bed!" said a muffled angry voice; one that James hoped wasn't Remus', because it sounded nothing like him…unless Remus was-
"Fuck Merlin, Evans! Where the fuck did you come from? Hey, is that see through?" he said sounding childishly hopeful. "Moony, turn on a light so I can see-"
Silencio!
Everything went quiet between those outside the door and James inside the room. A cool draft blew through an open window and some extremely random person coughed loudly on the street below - and then-
SLAP!
"Thank you, Remus," said Lily, "But did you have to slap him too?" she asked with slight amusement in her tone.
James could hear Remus clear his throat and sniff slightly, before saying very simply, "Yes."
Lily laughed softly.
Not being able to take it anymore, James made to get up and go and see Lily - after all, the first step was to apologise for, well, acting like a complete idiot, earlier on. As he neared the door, he heard Lily bid Remus goodnight and close the bedroom door. Upon hearing this, James turned, without stopping, on his heal and slumped back over to his bed and collapsed on top of it.
A faint knocking at the door signalled that the others wanted to come in, so James called out.
"Fine, come in then!"
The door opened slowly and a figure peered into the darkness and over at James' motionless form on the bed.
"Potter?" called the same female as he had heard earlier outside his door. This time, however, it was calm and soft.
James' head turned sharply and he gazed disbelievingly at the slim shadow trying to communicate with him - a concept he had been taught to get to grips with by an old Irish Gipsy-Witch…or more accurately, his great-grandmother, Polly Doris Potter.
"Lil- Evans?" he stuttered, his eyes open wide in amazement and confusion.
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. After hearing the resounding click, she spoke again.
"Yeah…look, listen, I know we don't get it on" James raised his eyebrows; did she just say- ", but I was wondering if we could try and get it on during the time we have to spend together? You know, just as equally beneficial friends of one another's bodies…" she said casually, without any suggestive tone or implication.
Okay, this is just twisted…but…I like it…yes, I definitely like it.
"Um…yeah, sure…what ever makes you feel better," he replied croakily and she came closer and closer; her body peeping out of the shadows- wait!
Lily doesn't have that much money- what the fuck? How has that got to do with anything? Stop going off on a random retarded tangent.
Idiot…
"James!" said a very male voice coming from where Lily stood. "Prongs, wake up you imbecile!
He woke with a sudden start.
"What the hell…I didn't do it, it was Sirius!" babbled James as his head shot up from his pillow, his eyes drooping still from the warm cosiness of his bed-
"Prongs, why are you sleeping on the window sill?" asked Remus worriedly, as though considering him as a serious mentally handicapped head case…much the way he treated Sirius most of the time; which sounds a little unfair, but Sirius really did act like one most of the time, so it became natural to assume the classic Marauder look;
'What in the name of all that is good - yet mischievous - and pure - yet not necessarily virgin - is wrong - not Peter's 'wrong', which is generally right - with you?'
James' mind suddenly sprang into over drive and a couple of simple occurrences went through his mind.
No Lily…
All a dream…
On a window sill…
Not in a bed…
No Snitch the yellow bear…
Getting the 'what the hell is wrong with you?' look…
No morning glory…
No comfort- wait!
NO MORNING GLORY!
James' eyes widened in horror - something was very wrong.
"James, stop looking like shell-shocked Hippogriff with Haemorrhoids and get up. Yours and Lily's parents want to see all of us downstairs before they leave…they're leaving a day early," Remus added at the now reproachful look on James' face. "Wormtail is already downstairs eating all the food…come on, hurry up…Sirius is doing my head in…" he muttered in annoyance, his eyes flashing dangerously, as a high pitched squeal came from the bathroom down the hall.
"Oh, Jamesie! I love thee so much! Kiss me!" fluttered a shrill voice.
"Why, I love thee as one loves another…and I would like to kiss'st thoust my dearest'st!" said a deep, overly embellished baritone voice.
James and Remus just looked at each other if horror and concern.
An eerie silence ensued, until Sirius' voice sounded yet again down the hall and into the ears of many unfortunate, inadvertent listeners.
"Oooo, Jamesie-poo! I do hope'st that is just'st a toothpaste tube!" he squealed, making Remus and James cringe at the insufferable noises Sirius was making. "Oh, Jamesie, it's leaking something creamy-"
"URGH! That-is-it! Thou shall not piss me off this morning, Black!" Remus cried, quite hysterically. He marched over to the door and opened it wide and then turned to look at James, a desperate expression on his face. "I mean…he-he's not even doing it right- he's ruining good innocent literature! He's making no sen-" Sirius screeched once again, "- I'm gunna kill him." He said quietly and dangerously, his face contorted in anguish; his right eye beginning to twitch convulsively. He turned sharply and marched off to 'greet' Sirius.
As he did so, James noticed that Lily was following close behind. She looked livid.
James just grinned and thanked Merlin it was Sirius and not him…
He waited for a few seconds for the climax - Remus and Lily's payback, not Sirius' fantastical one.
BANG
Sirius screamed in a girlish voice. Apparently he was still in character.
SLAP!
"AH- Shit! Bugger Merlin that hurt, Moony! That was completely uncalled fo-" he screamed like a school-girl again but didn't manage to finish his final note…
SLAP!
"Ah damn it, Evans!" he howled in pain but his protests became suddenly muffled when-
SLAM!
The bathroom door was thrown shut in his face.
James heard the retreating footsteps of someone going down stairs and someone else walking back up to the room. It was Remus.
"Ah, I feel much better now," he said contently. "Get changed, Prongs, we've really got to get a move on." With that he turned and sauntered out of the room; a light bounce in his step.
It seemed that getting Sirius back for being, well, Sirius, lightened Remus' morning mood quite considerably.
James shook his head, feeling concerned for Sirius' mental health, amused at his deserved misfortune and surprisingly unperturbed by his outrageous, badly scripted, sexually suggestive, Shakespearean rendition of an unwritten play involving him and Lily.
Smiling and taking a deep breath, he grabbed some freshly Maid Marian-cleaned clothing - which was very clean by her standards - and headed for the bathroom; but not before picking up the piece of paper - not parchment - and began planning his way to win Lily over.
First step: to rid of the old - and apparently infuriating, according to Lily - habits, and bring in the new - seductive and enticing mannerisms.
"Let step one of the Seduction Secrets begin," James muttered slyly to himself as he reached the bathroom door, but stopped and thought for a second, his hand on the door handle. "Or, is that step two?" he whispered, frowning in confusion.
Ask it about the seduction secrets, Potter, and you might find out.
"Oh yeah, cheers," he responded, without really thinking, to his own suggestion.
"You'll end up like 'im you will - that Black bloke - talkin' to yourself too much…" drawled one of the paintings on the wall in a cockney accent.
"Shut up," James retorted and opened the door and walked into the bathroom, closing the door with a snap behind him.
Silence, and then…
"OH DEAR MOTHER OF MERLIN - MY EYES!"
"Ohhh, Jamesie! Like what'st you see'st?