Author's note: For those of you who asked, it has been about four years since Harry's death. Sorry that I didn't mention that in the first chapter. And even though the prologue was written in the first person, it is much easier for me to write in the third person. But you might see more of Hermione's journal entries as the story continues.
Chapter Two
Falls Apart
She falls apart by herself
No ones there to talk or understand
Feels sustained, dries here eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside
People see right through you
Everyone who knew you well
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasteful
Runaway, Runaway…
(Sugar Ray, Falls Apart)
Hermione leaned back in her chair and surreptitiously glanced at her watch. She really, really didn't have time for this. She had rounds to do at the hospital, for one thing. And for another, this really was a colossal waste of time.
"We still have ten minutes," her therapist, Elaine Kinsella said in an almost sing-song voice. This woman didn't miss a trick and Hermione had learned that the hard way.
"I think we could cut it short for today," Hermione said impatiently. "I'm already late for rounds and I have to get a head start on my research for my article in the W.M.O. journal…"
Elaine scribbled something down on her notebook and then looked thoughtfully up at Hermione. "Still working yourself hard, I see. Tell me, Hermione…when was the last time you went out on date? Or went out to a movie with friends?"
Hermione looked down at her lap. "My friends and family are in England."
"Yes, but you've been here for nearly four years," Elaine argued. "And just because your friends and family are in England, that doesn't mean you can't make friends here, does it? And you're an attractive, clever young woman. You shouldn't be spending every waking hour working. "
"That's a brilliant diagnosis," Hermione said sarcastically.
Elaine wasn't going to be deterred, however.
"You told me that as a child, you didn't have friends," Elaine said after consulting with her notes. "And that you always felt different…"
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"But that all changed when you went to Hogwarts," Elaine said. "And you were befriended by Harry and Ron."
Again, Hermione looked at her watch. "I really don't see what this has to do with anything."
"It has everything to do with the behavior you're exhibiting now," Elaine replied. "You became friends with those two boys and as a result, you became more open and you soon realized that life wasn't just about…'books and cleverness'."
Hermione bit her bottom lip to quell her anger. She absolutely abhorred it when someone used her words against her like this.
"That friendship changed you, Hermione," Elaine continued. "And when Harry died, you closed yourself off again because you didn't want to get hurt. But it's been four years, Hermione. You weren't responsible for---"
"I'm fine," Hermione said finally meeting Elaine's gaze. That had been her mantra these last few years. And she was fine. And what she was really getting tired of was people asking her how she was doing and giving her that sympathetic look every time they saw her. She was trying to move on, but they were the ones who kept bringing up the past. They wouldn't let her forget.
"You're fine?" Elaine questioned.
"I believe I would know," Hermione said through clenched teeth.
"You're not fine, Hermione," Elaine said gently. "You're avoiding. You're avoiding your guilt over Harry's death. You're avoiding your friends and family. And if you truly want to recover from this, you need to realize…"
"I am not avoiding," Hermione said defensively. "I still talk to my friends and family back home. And I go the library on my days off…"
"Hermione-"
Tears welled up in Hermione's eyes, but she staved them off. She was not going to cry in front of Elaine. She wasn't going to give this woman any more ammunition to use against her.
"He's gone, Hermione," Elaine said gently. "And life has to go on. He wouldn't want you to---"
"Don't you dare say that he wouldn't want me to grieve for him," Hermione interjected angrily. "You don't know him. You never knew him and you wouldn't know how he felt! And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and listen to you tell me what you think he would have wanted!"
There was a part of Hermione that knew that what Elaine was saying was true, but she didn't want to hear it. This therapy idea had been her mother's plan and Hermione had agreed to it mainly to get her mother off her back. But, what good had it really done? She sat here for an hour and talked about her feelings; her childhood; her friendship with Harry and Ron. And she still walked out of here each and every time feeling just as empty as she did when she walked into the office.
Hermione knew that her mother would be disappointed in her for not seeing this through. But, she was an adult and she didn't have to answer to her parents anymore. She'd just tell them that it didn't work out and she was too busy for these weekly sessions. Her mother would understand.
"Hermione, I think we-"
"Our time is up," Hermione said getting to her feet.
"So, I'll see you next week?"
Hermione shook her head. "I don't think so. Good day, Elaine."
She managed to keep her tears at bay until she was alone in her car. Elaine Kinsella had no idea what she was talking about, Hermione thought as she pulled the visor down. As she did so, she caught sight of her tear-stained eyes and her pale skin. She looked like a ghost.
Harry would have hated to see me like this.
***********
She managed to make it to the hospital a little after ten and after checking in with the front desk to make sure there weren't any emergencies, she took the lift up to her office. She had a few messages-mostly from colleagues seeking consultations. She quickly scribbled down her responses and sent them off via the hospital owl post.
Another message was from her mother wanting to know how she was doing. Hermione made a mental note to email her mother later that day to let her know that she was so fine she'd decided to forego therapy completely. She knew that would go over like a ton of bricks and she was glad that she wasn't breaking it to her mother over the phone.
And everyone thinks I'm the stubborn one. They should meet my mum.
At the bottom of her stack of letters and messages was a letter from Ron and Luna Weasley. It had been a few weeks since she'd last spoken to them. They'd tried to convince her to come home for a visit and had even laid out a guilt trip on her for not meeting her one and a half-year old goddaughter.
It just hurt too much to be around Ron. It brought back way too many memories of Harry and every time she was with him, she'd feel as if something was missing. And even though he never said it or even implied it, she couldn't help thinking that Ron blamed her for Harry's death. It really was better for both of them if they were apart. They needed to heal.
Separating herself from Ron and the other Weasleys had been difficult. They'd become like a second family to her over the years and she genuinely missed them all. Even Ginny, though she hadn't parted on the best of terms with the youngest Weasley.
Harry's relationship with Ginny still confused Hermione. Yes, she'd tried to be a supportive friend to Ginny and told the girl that the best thing she could do was be herself and not act like some strange fan girl every time Harry was around. Little did Hermione know how well that would work when her best friend finally saw Ginny in a different light.
At first she'd been happy for them, but watching them together felt kind of…strange, for want of a better word. Someone else was taking her place with Harry. He now had someone else to confide in and though she didn't begrudge Harry any happiness (Merlin knew he deserved it of all people), but it wasn't easy to watch him with Ginny. And when you got down to it, they didn't really have that much in common, really. A shared love of Quidditch. Hell, if that was the basis for a relationship, Harry and Ron would have gotten together, Hermione mused to herself.
Ginny had taken Hermione aside the day of Harry's memorial service and wanted to know how Harry's last days had been. When Hermione tried to tell her friend about how they spent most of their days traveling, doing research and looking for horcruxes, Ginny became impatient and interrupted Hermione.
"Did he talk a lot about me?" Ginny had asked hopefully. "We'd only just broken up, and I know he
thought he was being noble…"
Hermione had already been on edge from lack of sleep and guilt, so she had snapped at her friend before she could stop herself. "He didn't talk about you, Ginny. Okay? He had a lot more on his mind than whether or not he'd be back to take you to Hogsmeade!"
Ginny looked as if Hermione had slapped her and she'd stalked out of the room. That was the last conversation Hermione had with Ginny. She only knew of what was going on with her from Ron and Luna. They'd once been so close, like sisters. And now….as good as strangers.
"Hermione," a voice called out, breaking Hermione away from her thoughts.
She looked up from her notes and smiled at her colleague, Shannon Cole. She was a petite woman in her early thirties
and was the closest thing Hermione had to a friend at the hospital.
"What can I do for you, Shannon?"
"Help out in Emergency," Shannon replied with a pleading look. "We're short two healers and I think everyone in the great state of Washington is in the waiting room."
Hermione quickly got to her feet and set aside her paperwork. "Of course."
Shannon smiled in relief. "Thank you."
Hermione let out a slight laugh. "How many times have you covered for me? I mean, this morning…"
Shannon waved her hand dismissively. "I was happy to do it. Rounds are a cake walk compared to Emergency."
They walked down the corridor toward the lift and Shannon went over some things that had happened earlier that morning. Hermione was happy for the distraction.
When they arrived in the Emergency Ward, Hermione tried very hard not to wince at the number of patients that were sitting in the waiting room. Shannon hadn't been kidding.
There was a large board over the admitting desk that listed the patients and cases that were already in the examining areas waiting to be seen. Hermione scanned the board with Shannon.
Vanishing sickness.
Possible wizarding flu.
Possible wizarding flu.
Possible wizarding flu.
Quidditch accident-multiple fractures.
Woman hearing voices; thinks husband tried to hex her.
"Quite a grab bag, huh?" Shannon asked thoughtfully.
Hermione nodded.
"Tell you what," Shannon said. "I'll take the flu cases and the woman hearing the voices if you take
the Quidditch accident and the vanishing sickness…"
"Deal," Hermione said. Since the vanishing sickness was probably not as serious as the multiple fractures,
she decided to get him out of the way. She scanned his chart for the basics.
Patient: Luke Reilly, 22 year-old male. Injured during pickup Quidditch match.
"Hello, Mr. Reilly," Hermione said politely as she pushed back the curtain. "I'm Healer Granger."
Hermione's eyes were still on his chart so she didn't catch sight of him staring at her.
She wrote a few things down on the chart before she sat down at the edge of the bed. "It says here that you fell from your broom. Can you tell me what you landed on?"
Her patient didn't respond and Hermione sighed as she finally looked up to meet his gaze. "Mr. Reilly?"
He had short brown hair and warm brown eyes and lightly tanned skin. Hermione wondered where he'd gotten a tan since it rained about as much here as it did in London. Her over-analytical mind hard at work yet again, she thought as she focused on her patient's condition. One of the nurses had put his arm in a sling and his injured leg was propped up on some pillows.
"Mr. Reilly?"
The way he was looking at her was making her more than a little uncomfortable. "Mr. Reilly?"
She shook off her worries and wondered if perhaps he'd sustained a head injury in the fall which would account for his unresponsiveness.
"Sorry," he finally muttered. "I-I guess I'm just a little out of it."
"From the fall?"
He stared at her. "Oh...right…the fall…"
"When you fell, did you lose consciousness right after the fall?" Hermione asked in a business-like tone.
He shook his head.
"And you remember what happened before and after you fell?"
Again, Luke nodded.
"And how's your vision?" Hermione asked.
"Fine," Luke replied. "I wear contacts usually, but I don't have them in today." He drew back when she lit her wand and again leaned over him to get a look at his eyes. "Is that really necessary?"
"I'm checking for a concussion, Mr. Reilly," Hermione said quietly.
"I didn't land on my head," Luke told her.
Hermione took a look at his scalp. "Okay…"
She went back to her chart and noted her findings while Luke continued to watch her. For a brief moment, she wondered if he was like some of those bizarre witches and wizards who faked sicknesses and injuries to get a chance to meet The Boy Who Lived's best gal pal. They'd come in here with some bogus ailment and then pepper her with questions about Harry and what he was like. It was enough to make her want to scream.
She'd thought that the days of that happening were long gone, but apparently not. Her suspicions were seemingly confirmed with what he asked her next.
"How long have you been in Seattle?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "A few years."
Luke nodded. "Yeah, me too."
"Great," Hermione muttered, standing up again so she could examine his arm. She eased it out of the sling and performed a quick examination. Luke winced when she touched his arm, but tried to play it off. Despite herself, she couldn't help the smile that played at her lips as she surreptitiously glanced at him.
"We'll need to do some x-rays to see for sure, but I think you have a couple of fractures," Hermione finally said.
"You're not going to make me drink Skele-Gro, are you?" he asked.
"It really doesn't taste that bad," Hermione reassured him. "And it will help your bones heal much faster than regular rest, Mr. Reilly."
Luke frowned. "I guess that's okay. I mean, you're the healer."
"That's right," Hermione said writing down the orders on the chart.
Luke continued to watch her and Hermione looked angrily up from her notes.
"Yes?"
"What?" he asked innocently.
"Do you mind telling me why you're staring at me?" she asked. "Hmm? Do you think its fun to waste my time and the time of the staff to deal with your 'injury'? What paper are you with, hmm? I haven't given any interviews on my friendship with Harry Potter and I don't plan to so if that's what you're here for, well you can---"
Luke held up his good arm. "Hey! I'm not here to pick your brain about Harry Potter. I hate hospitals. Always have, always will. I certainly wouldn't be here unless it was absolutely necessary. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea…"
Hermione blushed. "I-I'm sorry. I just thought…"
"But I am pretty thrilled that I happened to get the cleverest witch of her generation working on me," Luke said with a grin.
Hermione didn't know what to say to this. "I-I think it might be a good idea to keep you overnight for observation. Just to make sure that you haven't sustained a concussion…"
"Is that---"
Hermione cut him off. "Yes, I think it's for the best and I promise you it will only be overnight. And
we'd like to monitor you while you're taking the Skele-Gro."
Luke nodded. "Great."
"I'm just going to go and put this request in with the front desk," Hermione said closing his chart. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
"I'm not going anywhere," Luke said leaning back against the pillows, in an effort to get comfortable. Hermione gave him one last look before walking back out into the hall. It had been quite some time since she'd found someone attractive. It had been quite some time since she'd given much thought to it, but she supposed that Luke Reilly was an attractive sort. Even if the way he was staring at her was a bit strange.
She scheduled a time for his x-rays and then requested the Skele-Gro to be given to him in two hour intervals over the next 24 hours. Before she checked in on her next patient, she decided to see how he was doing.
"They'll be moving you upstairs in a few minutes," Hermione told him. "And I'll check on you after you've had your x-rays."
Luke nodded. "So I'll see you again?"
Hermione looked over at him.
"I mean, you know my case now and I don't think I'd be that comfortable with anyone else taking over now," Luke stammered. For some reason, this didn't set off bells and whistles in Hermione's brain. She found it endearing.
"For your stay at St. Montague's, I will be your assigned Healer," Hermione reassured him.
He smiled at her and she found herself smiling back at him.
"Do you mind me asking, why you became a healer?" Luke suddenly asked. Hermione had almost been out the door when he'd said that, but she stopped.
She'd been asked this question so many times over that past couple of years. And she'd always given the expected answer that she wanted to make a difference. Which was true, but it wasn't the whole story. She certainly wasn't going to tell a total stranger the real reason she'd become a healer. She'd wanted more than anything to feel as if she could help someone even if she couldn't help her best friend when he needed her most. This job made her feel like she was doing something to honor Harry's memory.
"My parents are dentists," Hermione said instead. "I guess I sort of followed in their footsteps."
He studied her for a few moments. "I would have thought you'd have gone into politics. From what I know of you, there was talk that someday you might be your country's next Minister."
Hermione shook her head. That had been her goal in what seemed like a lifetime ago, but things had changed in more ways than one with Harry's death. "This was my calling. I'm much more suited to this than anything else, Mr. Reilly."
He looked as if he wanted to ask her something else, but he remained silent.
"I'll see you in awhile," Hermione said.
Luke nodded. "Um, could you ask the nurse to get my friend for me? He brought me to the hospital…"
"I can get him for you," Hermione said. "What's his name?"
"Sean Truman," Luke replied. "Goofy looking man who will probably tell you this accident was all my fault."
Hermione left the room and Luke again tried to get comfortable. A few moments later his friend walked into the room.
"I really am sorry," Sean said apologetically. "But you wanted to make it seem real…"
Luke nodded. "Yeah, she would have seen through a fake right away."
"She's something else," Sean said with a grin. "A bit serious, but quite pretty in a bookish sort of way."
Luke glared at him.
"Ease up," Sean said holding up his hand. "I'm very happy with Kate. No need to worry about me trying to pick up some doctor. That's your M.O., buddy."
"I didn't come here to pick her up," Luke said in a hushed tone. For all he knew, Hermione was standing outside the curtain listening to every word they said. "I just came to see how she was doing."
"And?"
"She's…she's different," Luke said thoughtfully. "Maybe I shouldn't have come…I just wanted to see how she was…"
"And now that you have?" Sean asked.
"I feel worse," Luke admitted. "What kind of person does this---"
"You had your reasons," Sean said loyally.
"She's not going to buy that," Luke said shaking his head. "You were right. I shouldn't have done this."
"Since when have you listened to anything I have to say?" Sean asked jokingly. "You do what you want. You always have."
"Not always," Luke said his breath catching in his throat as he spotted Hermione walking past the curtain, deep in conversation with another woman.
"You're as stubborn as they come," Sean said.
"You haven't met Hermione Granger yet," Luke said wistfully.
"And now that Luke Reilly has met her…" Sean said his voice trailing off.
"He doesn't know what the hell to do," Luke said honestly. "Not by a long shot."