A/N I accidentally posted the un-beta-ed version of the first chapter! Sorry about that. Everything's right now.
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Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 2
"Square One"
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All night long, I dream of the day
When it comes around, and it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I fear the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost…
Foo Fighters, "All My Life"
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Remus was cooking dinner tonight. It wasn't hard to guess: the distinctly cheesey smell invaded one's nostrils once inside the apartment. Whenever the kitchen of the flat James and Sirius shared was being used for something other than chaotic storage for old pizza boxes, it was safe to assume that their good friend Moony was staying over.
A Marauders get-together happened once a week, with predictable scheduling irregularities, and it usually involved face-stuffing and liberal amounts of alcohol. They talked about pretty much everything of little importance in life, and, when in an exceptionally worried or bad mood, discussed work. The atmosphere of complete companionship allowed them to reveal some details of their jobs, even though Sirius and James had sworn not to disclose certain pieces of information. The four Marauders were true friends. No Ministry security paranoia would stop them from sharing each other's burdens from time to time.
When James strode in the room, his face betraying a strange blend of thoughtfulness and annoyance, Peter immediately tried to make him talk. It was useless, of course; they all knew that Prongs habitually let his feelings accumulate up to a point where he lost all control of their consequences. It could be enervating, but, after thirteen years, everyone was more than used to that behaviour.
He plopped on the couch, and summoned a beer from the kitchen table. Sirius and Peter glanced at each other, wondering who would give it another try. It seemed serious: James was dutifully focused on his beverage, and hadn't even bothered to say hello to anyone present.
A loud clatter and Remus' complaints broke the silence. Peter immediately jumped up to help, more than eager to leave the tense living room.
Sirius didn't bother turning to face James. Instead, he popped open a can of beer and positioned himself more comfortably on the sofa. He drank quietly for a minute or two, and said, "I'm bored and I'm curious. Spit it out."
James shrugged; he would have to say it sooner or later. "Lily's working with me now." It seemed strangely real to say it. He hadn't given the matter a great deal of thought all day, dutifully ignoring her unexpected return to his life.
"Ah."
"She irritates me, Padfoot."
"Now, why doesn't that shock me?"
"She's changed."
"It's been six bloody years, Prongs."
"Still. She used to be-"
"Perfect?" Sirius' hoarse laugh made James glance at him with open exasperation. "The love of your life? Your soul mate? You were in love with her back then. Of course you see her differently nowadays."
"She's a strategist, too."
"I remember," Sirius nodded, and sniffed the air with a pensive expression. "Oh, dinner's ready."
"You don't seem surprised."
"Well, they asked me to pick her up in Paris this morning."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why on earth would you be interested in that particular piece of information?"
"I just… would. I don't know."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Don't flirt with her."
James didn't flinch. "I don't intend to. I've been there, Padfoot."
"You know perfectly well that your knowing better won't stop you."
"I have a girlfriend."
Sirius threw him a look, and James grinned.
"All right. I mean it-don't worry. I won't."
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Let a woman in your life, and your serenity is through
She'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome (…)
Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall
Make a plan, and you will find she has something else in mind
And so rather than do either, you'll do something else that neither likes at all…
Rex Harrison (My Fair Lady Soundtrack), "I'm an Ordinary Man"
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"Priori Incantatem," Lily muttered, returning her appearance to normal. The effects of her duel with James were still glaringly visible all around the office: there were no chairs, most of the walls were stained, scorched or damaged to some level, and her desk had yet to be reminded that its natural state was not that of a prancing deer.
She had felt childish and even vaguely nostalgic when using some of these silly spells, but both Aurors knew that their physical integrity could not be risked in a meaningless office feud. Nevertheless, this was the second time in less than a week that their built-up frustration had gotten the best of them, and each had made an effort to remember effective school-time hexes in order to attack the other. It went without saying that James had a decisive advantage-he had actually used these jinxes at Hogwarts-, but Lily wasn't too far behind.
The results of this fact were palpable. At the moment, James was hovering like a helium balloon a little above Lily, which meant that his head bumped against the ceiling every time he wasn't careful enough to prevent it.
"Bring me down," he said, dodging the lamp. "My wand fell."
She arched an eyebrow, smirking.
James rolled his eyes. "Please."
Waving her wand, Lily smiled; her partner fell with a heavy thud, and groaned.
Why couldn't they just get along? She could hardly imagine it, but it was bound to be possible somehow. It was useless to remind herself of self-control, willpower, professionalism and all those interesting concepts that theoretically oriented an Auror's career and daily behaviour. Lily had never had problems with appearing detached before. What was it about him that made her snap? She had no idea, and that exasperated her.
"We should stop, you know," James said, rubbing his forehead with a pained expression. "This is just plain useless."
"It's not like we fight because we want to," she replied, shaking her head. "We've always been hopeless at working together. I don't know why we even considered that it would work out this time."
"That's not true. We were great as Head Students, remember?"
"Well, yes. We were dating back then. We were still quite inefficient," the corners of her lips curled up in a sly smile, "but for different reasons." He grinned, and was about to make a devious remark when she continued briskly, "Anyway, that won't help our current predicament. Look, James, I think we should try a new approach to the situation."
He transfigured the remains of two broken vases into a chair and sat, facing her with attention. "Go on."
"We obviously can't work in the same office." Lily gestured vaguely towards the destroyed walls, the non-existent furniture, and their own unkempt appearances. "It's-"
"But we have to," James intervened. "It's part of the job description, remember?"
Lily let out an irritated sigh, remembering that talk all too well. Both the Minister of Magic and Albus Dumbledore had been excited by the possibility of the two Aurors working together. The Hogwarts Headmaster, specifically, had stressed the importance of their unreserved cooperation for the cause.
Oh, he could have paired them with any other Order members, but no-he'd decided that forcing Lily and James to learn to coexist would be better. She often wondered how someone that brilliant could make such absurd assumptions.
Lily was silent for a few minutes, focusing instead on cleaning up the place a little. The floorboards were restored with a spell or two, and so were the windows. She decided to change the colour palette of the furnishings a bit; it took her a while to choose everything. "You know," she spoke up at last, "I'm sure that time will help work things out. Let's just be patient."
James hadn't expected such a conformed reaction. He nodded, wondering how long the present détente would last. Lily had been so high strung since she'd started working in London that it had been impossible not to clash with her every few minutes. It was strenuous, and it forced their already fragile interaction to explode into a full-fledged argument several times a day.
James had believed that it would be possible to work with her, but his mindset had changed about four hours into her first day at the job. Why couldn't they avoid irritating each other at every possible opportunity? It was immature and inefficient-two characteristics that James had prided himself in not possessing for years now.
But, all things considered, Lily was right. Time would tell if they'd manage to work their way around their incompatibility. Nevertheless, at the moment, it seemed wholly improbable that their communication would ever become the brilliant and smooth exchange of ideas that everyone seemed to expect.
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How long can a girl be shackled to you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
How long can a girl stay haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up, and I won't even flinch at your name…
Alanis Morissette, "Flinch"
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"Heavens, you haven't changed a thing."
Leylann laughed. "Flattering though that may be, we both know it's not true."
"Well," Lily corrected herself, "your appearance hasn't changed. But you seem a bit more serious, I think."
"I was never one for fairy tales and naïveté," Leylann shrugged. "I'm just different, I suppose, and maybe a tad more down-to-earth. Two years is a long time."
"It is." Lily looked away, and sighed. Why hadn't she kept in touch with Leylann? They had always been close. This friendship had been one of the hardest things she'd forced herself to leave behind. Despite knowing that, she said, "You never wrote."
"Neither did you. Well, no worries: I get it, really. I was surprised that you actually made that initial effort to keep in touch, to be honest."
"What? I-"
"Oh, no!" Leylann grinned, waving her head. "I don't mean it like that. But we both know that you wanted to start anew, build a whole life from scratch. That included cutting ties with your old friends, and… it wasn't unexpected."
Lily smiled fondly. She had missed Leylann's nearly unconditional understanding. It made up for many of the girl's flaws-like the mood swings, those occasional tantrums, and her awful stubbornness. Lily had long since learned how to deal with those; they were hardly a problem anymore.
"And now you're back," Leylann continued, looking at her with open curiosity. "Would you mind telling me what on earth you think you're doing? Don't you remember that James was the reason that you left London in first place?"
Lily sighed. "It's not like that. I've grown now-I've matured. James and I can work together like professional adults. We're both very good at what we do, so the Ministry's decided to pair us up and see what happens. It's a priceless opportunity, to be honest. I gladly took it."
There was a pregnant pause, and then-
"You two are arguing a lot, aren't you," Leylann stated with a smile.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Lily exclaimed, throwing her arms up in despair. "We argue over the silliest things, and we spend two hours discussing the tiniest details of every bloody mission!"
"Your strategies together are probably watertight, then."
"I should hope so, at the very least. Oh, Leylann, I honestly don't know what else to do. The man is unbearable!"
Leylann nodded in the noncommittal way common to all nurses and doctors who were used to listening to rambling patients. It indicated that the healthcare agent was listening but politely ignoring all that was being said.
"This should be fun," she said, and smiled affectionately at her friend. "I'm glad you're back."
"So am I, really, but," Lily made an unintelligible guttural sound, "I really do feel like choking him to death sometimes. Can you believe he had the gall to use a Jelly-legs curse on me? A Jelly-legs curse, Leylann, and we're both twenty-four bloody years old!"
"Well, how did you react to that?"
She grinned. "With a Leg-lock, of course."
Leylann shook her head, chuckling. "Oh, do stop complaining. You're as bad as he is!"
"He always starts it," Lily claimed at once. After a slight hesitation, she admitted, "Okay, so do I, sometimes. It's just inevitable."
"Do you always argue?"
"Yeah."
"Every time you meet, I mean?"
Lily stared. "Pretty much, yes."
"So meeting him outside the office is entirely out of question?"
"What? Why would I meet him?"
"The boys want to see you, see. They asked you to come by next Saturday, and they'll all be here."
"You'll be home?"
Leylann nodded. "Don't worry." She smirked. "I wouldn't dream of leaving the two of you alone."
Lily rolled her eyes. The lunatic was clearly making no reference to their current enmity, but to the old days of lovey-dovey nymphomania.
"Aw, you know I had to say it."
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Hey, you're too true to be good, and I'm too bad to pretend
Transparent and transfixed, I'm uncool
Heartbeat, you're looking at me
Must stop, I'm letting you see this isn't how I want it to be…
The Corrs, "Humdrum"
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It had been a hard day at work, more so than usual. As a rule, James' team did mostly technical work, and hardly ever went to the field; today had been an exception. A three-Auror team had infiltrated a Death Eater camp under his leadership, and they'd managed, against all odds, to rescue an important Muggle politician held captive there.
It had been an impossible mission, sent to their office precisely due to its many complications. Ordinarily, the Ministry wouldn't even bother trying to send a mission in cases like this: they wrote an apologetic letter with condolences, and avoided losing several wizards in a foolhardy enterprise. This time, however, the Prime Minister of England himself had interceded for the man. The Minister of Magic couldn't say no to a man who had helped him cover up dozens of catastrophes in the past few months.
After over two hours of meticulous, painstaking advance and avoiding countless obstacles, both physical and magical, the team had entered the facility. The way out had been significantly easier: they had flown out amazingly unscathed. Despite being chased by the guards for a long time, every Auror had made it back safely.
Lily had survived. Opening the door to her apartment, she tried to remind herself that that was a good thing, regardless of every bone in her body feeling like it was about to disintegrate. She could hardly persuade her limbs to move.
"Lily!" The vision of Alain standing there in a tux filled her with inexplicable dread. No, no, no. She was in no state of mind to talk to her boyfriend now. It was difficult enough to keep herself conscious, and her eyes open! She mumbled something he didn't understand, and continued walking to her bedroom.
Suddenly, the burning-cold beam of an awakening spell of some sort hit her square on the back. Lily jolted awake, feeling the pain much more vividly now, and turned to glare at Alain.
"What happened to you?" he asked, frowning. Something murderous in her eyes indicated, beyond any doubt, that she was in no mood to chat.
Mustering all her self-control, Lily managed to say levelly, "I've had a very tiring day. Alain, please, I need to rest."
"But we have that dinner at my mother's today-have you forgotten?"
She groaned. "I can't go."
"She'll kill me, Lily," he protested. "You promised. Come on."
"It will take an insane amount of magic to get me to stay awake all night! Plus, it's not like I'll have a good time-I never do. I'm not going. Just… make up some excuse."
"You've never complained about those before."
"Well, I am now. Look at me. I'm in no state to go!"
"You're a witch!"
Lily shook her head despondently and went to her room. She threw herself on the bed, moaning at the indescribable feeling of resting her nearly broken back on the soft mattress. Unfortunately, the charm that Alain had cast on her had the effect of litres of raw caffeine having been pumped directly on her blood system: she could barely close her eyes. Her bodily energy clashed with the intense fatigue of her every muscle and nerve.
He entered the room before she could persuade herself to get up to go yell at him. "Lily," Alain said, "you have to go."
She felt anger rising in her, the kind of sleepy anger that had no real reason and started out of nowhere but felt overwhelming and entirely righteous. "I don't know where you get this strange idea that I'm supposed to be the perfect French wife. I'm not perfect, and I would hate to be perfect! And we're not even married! And you don't even want us to get married too badly because she hates me. Hey, that's all right-I'm not too fond of her either. Oh, and guess what? I don't even like sugar cubes. So you can go there and say right to her face that, that… oh, my head hurts," she groaned. "Bye, Alain."
Alain stood next to the bed, absolutely perplexed. Without a word, he cast a sleeping spell on his girlfriend and left. This outburst could be a mere insane construction of her tired mind, but perhaps it was a symptom of a deeper problem. How could he know for sure?
He and Lily had never liked discussing their relationship. For the most part, they simply tried not to step on each other's toes while going about their daily routines. It was more complicated to do that nowadays, with Lily staying in London most of the time: she only came home to sleep, and always had something to do in whatever little spare time she had.
Alain was in love with her; there was no doubt of that in his mind. But he'd noticed that she had changed this past week. Since going to London, Lily had become less amiable, less patient, less… composed, in a way. She resembled less the woman with whom he'd fallen in love, and that scared him.
Alain convinced himself that it was just a phase. Nothing could change Lily that deeply, he knew, least of all a mere job. Nevertheless, he couldn't help being curious as to what in London had caused her change of behaviour.
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We fight all the time, you and I
That's all right, we're the same soul
I don't need, I don't need to hear you say
That, if we weren't so alike, you'd like me a whole lot more…
U2, "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own"
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"It would make so much more sense to use the entrance I suggested!"
Lily groaned. "Yeah, if you want the whole team to be dead within ten minutes! Think, James! See this?" she pointed at a corner of the schematic drawing of the building. "And this?" She slapped another blank portion of the map. "They're bound to be waiting to ambush everyone here."
"No, they'll be around here," he gestured vaguely towards an area, and somehow Lily understood his point of view. Naturally, that didn't mean she'd surrender any time soon. "And your men will be slaughtered."
"They wouldn't be there. That would be absurd."
"Well, maybe that's how Death Eaters behave in France, but I've been a strategist here for four years now, and-"
"You know perfectly well that most Death Eaters are trained in England, and have a similar modus operandi."
"Meaning they'll expect Aurors exactly where I told you they would."
She leaned over the blueprints once more and examined the place. "There has to be an alternative." Lily was more than used to creating different strategies for the same scenario, but the accumulated annoyance of arguing with James for over two hours about this specific one seemed to be blinding her. "There is, but I just can't see it."
"Maybe if you-"
"Please give me a few seconds to think," she snapped, staring hard at the parchment. "It's here somewhere-why can't I see it?"
James decided to leave her to it. It seemed the wisest course of action to take, considering they weren't half as efficient together as they could be working independently. Hiring Lily now appeared to be an unproductive, if not altogether wrong, decision. How could he have thought it possible for them to overcome personal obstacles and produce strategies with combined brilliance? Sure, they were both respected in the strategy field, but any attempts at collaboration were obviously doomed.
"Ha!" Lily yelped, jumping up to show him the parchment. James didn't bother pointing out that he'd memorised everything back to front at least an hour ago. "See, if we go this way-" she pointed.
James blinked. "Lily, that's-"
"-a sewer, yes, exactly! There are so many alternatives, and it's such an apparently vulnerable building, that they'll never see it coming. They'll expect us to take one of the obvious courses of action."
"Come on, it's dramatic and unnecessary! I'm sure they won't-" James gave his reply some thought before continuing. The two of them had gotten to that point in the argument where both parties kept opposing the other out of nothing more than inertia and annoyance. She certainly had a valid point. It would be better to take the most unexpected, if less hygienic, road. "All right."
She stared at him for a few seconds, caught entirely off guard.
"That's good," he continued. "Would you like to write the full report, or should I?"
"You're… kidding, right?"
"No. No, I'm not. Why?"
"You're just going to accept this?"
James grinned. "Yes."
"Why don't you cross-examine it, and check if there are any flaws?"
He shrugged. "I'm sure you were extremely cautious about those, and double-checked everything before presenting to me your grand solution. The worst flaws were our initial plans; I'm sure this one will succeed."
Lily leaned her head slightly to the right, and surveyed him with undisguised curiosity. Finally, she smiled. "Oh, you're good," she admitted, barely believing her own happy satisfaction. "I hate you for it, but I like this."
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When the night shows the signals grow on radios
All the strange things, they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide, still waiting for the swollen eastern tide
There's no point in direction; we cannot even choose a side…
Peter Gabriel, "Here Comes the Flood"
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The quiet rustling of paper and parchment had been the only sound in the office since midnight. Only the occasional hurried scraping of a barely moist quill tip interrupted it, but, despite the multiple breakthroughs both Lily and James had experienced that night, neither had bothered to talk. There were still so many scenarios to process that having a brilliant idea or two seemed unimportant; concentrating enough to generate them was a waste of time.
Their workload increased exponentially every week. Every Auror in the office often had to leave much later than the usual seven o'clock, but it was common knowledge that the two Chief Aurors only went home shortly before dawn. The routine was wearing them all out, of course, but they forced themselves to keep up the rhythm, confident that this would be nothing but a temporary peak in Lord Voldemort's activities.
Lily rubbed her eyes, running her fingers through her dishevelled hair. She had finally achieved a point of exhaustion for which not even the strongest Awakening Charms would be any good. It was impossible to read, analyse anything or even think logically without the immense tiredness overwhelming her. Her eyes closed of their own accord every time she dared to blink.
Her schedule had changed so much, Lily pondered while attempting to focus on the blurry, confusing blueprint on her desk. She was constantly tired, and couldn't quite remember how it felt to rest for more than four hours.
"You should… go home," James said, yawning. "That way, you'll manage to get a few hours' sleep, at least."
She shook her head stubbornly. "I haven't even finished all the scenarios for tomorrow! Plus, I still have to check a couple of French mission profiles. No way."
He didn't push her any further; neither would have the energy to sustain an argument at the moment. With a resigned sigh, he turned his dismal gaze to the parchment before him, and started writing-this sloppy, barely intelligible scrawl that sooner resembled an old Healer's than James' usually neat calligraphy.
Trying to convince her body to remain semi-alert for at least a few more minutes, Lily stood and ambled to the window, slamming it open. She found a cigarette pack somewhere in her robes, and lit up.
"Want one?" she offered out of automatic politeness, knowing fully well that James didn't smoke. They'd discussed the topic before, and his nagging always bothered her to no end.
James' head snapped up, like that of a dozing student loudly summoned into wakefulness by a strict teacher. "Yeah," he replied, before understanding her question. His brain then assimilated Lily's mild shock and the smoke aura surrounding her face. "Oh. Oh, no, thanks."
"Okay," she shrugged, turning to face the window.
"Why do you even bother smoking, Lily?" he asked, stretching lazily. James knew that he was in no state to work, but he'd found that chatting sometimes helped his mind to awaken. "It's such a Muggle thing. I don't know; I mean, it's just rare to find wizards who smoke."
"It's relaxing-I've been doing it for years," she shrugged, taking a long drag. "No. That's rubbish. Actually, the truth is that it's an excellent thing to do when one's bored."
"You're bored?"
"I was." Lily looked down at the dark city and smiled a content grin she didn't want James to see. "Right now I'm just tired." She glanced at him with sudden curiosity. "Have you ever smoked?"
Relieved at the prospect of an actual conversation, James walked to her desk and sat on it. "I did for a while, when I first moved to London. I was all for partying, getting pissed, living life, that sort of thing."
"I thought you'd started Auror training soon after Graduation."
"I did."
Lily raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "I heard that you were one of the best students-you had quite a reputation."
"When did that ever stop me from partying?" James chuckled mirthlessly, and added in a sober tone, "But that was later. I was awfully irresponsible in the beginning! God," he groaned, "I even flunked my first Concealment and Disguise exam."
"That must have been traumatising."
He nodded with a grimace. It was almost ironic that he, an Animagus and one of the best Transfiguration students of their year at Hogwarts, should do less than exceedingly well in a subject such as Concealment and Disguise. That was traditionally one of the hardest, of course, but that shouldn't have stopped James Potter.
"Anyway, what about you? Why did you go to Healer training instead? You always wanted to be an Auror."
The simple answer was that Lily had wanted to avoid studying with James. They had broken up shortly before leaving Hogwarts, and the prospect of being stuck with him for several more years had seemed unbearably dreadful. Naturally, she would never tell him that.
"Healing had always been an option, you know that. I decided to try it out-plus, Leylann was there, too. In the end, it wasn't for me; I dropped out after a few months."
"I thought at the time-silly, I know-that you were trying to avoid me."
She was silent. Although Lily didn't felt like lying at the moment, she knew that she would later regret giving him such a private piece of information. "It's not good for me, you know," she confided, out of the blue.
"What?"
Lily nodded towards the cigarette. "Muggles say it does you no harm, but sometimes I think I can feel it doing something bad to my body. Maybe it's my lungs or something, I don't know."
Had James been fully awake, he would've taken advantage of this opportunity to complain and nag some more. He did no such thing. "Why do you continue, then?"
She shrugged. "I'm an Auror, James. It's not like there's a long life expectancy in our line of work. Plus, what would I do if I ever got old? This is the life I've always dreamt of, and this is the best it'll ever get. It only goes downhill once you get old and senile." Lily shook her head firmly. "I don't want that."
"But didn't you say you were bored?"
"Don't you miss it?"
"What?"
"Not being bored."
"I'm not bored."
"Of course not. I don't mean bored per se." Lily rolled her eyes. "Work here isn't boring. But-don't you remember how it was in the beginning? We were all convinced that we could save the world, change our society and arrest all the bad guys."
James frowned. "Well-"
"Justice. Do you remember, James, how it used to be all about justice in the beginning? Dark wizards go to Azkaban; we rescue any good guys who happen to be in trouble and live happily ever after. That was our ideal world: that was what we were fighting for."
"It still is, you know," he said quietly. "Of course it's not all as black-and-white as we expected it to be, but it still is. I still hate Death Eaters, and I still want them all to have a soulless, hopeless existence in Azkaban."
Her voice was almost a whisper now. "Did you ever realise that they're humans, too? They're like you and me, except they've chosen a different side. Some of them never had a choice, didn't even notice that there could be an alternative.
"Did you ever have to look into a young Death Eater's eyes when he receives the Kiss? If not… don't. It changes you, James. This life changes you."
He merely nodded. Flashes of two executions he had been asked to witness filled his mind for a moment, but he pushed them away with a firm, unshakeable sense of duty. Those men were wrong; they were evil. It was useless to read more into all this.
"And then it became routine. It's sad, you know, because it's not supposed to be routine. It's meant to shock you, seeing what the pitiful minions do to Muggles just because they can, but it doesn't. Instead, you just get more and more annoyed, and start obsessing about catching the big fish."
"And that's when the boredom comes along."
"Exactly." She laughed hoarsely. "Do you even know what I'm talking about? You don't, do you? You're still in it for the good and pure in the world. Do you believe, James, unlike every other Auror in the country, that we'll manage to defeat Lord Voldemort someday?"
James had never considered himself a fool for having faith in his job, and his peers. "Yes."
She shook her head.
"Like it or not, Lily, you are working with me. And don't give me any rubbish about being bored! You can be a lot of things at the moment - above all, tired -, but don't tell me you're not having the time of your life working with us."
Lily snorted at his smugness, but couldn't persuade herself to lie. "I'm not denying it. It's… uplifting to be with you guys. I just-you seem so delusional!"
He grinned, thoroughly ignoring the last part of her comment. "Glad to be of service."
They had both run out of things to say, and she contemplated once more the confusing thought that James had improved her lifestyle and job satisfaction. It was disturbing.
"I had a desk job in Paris, you see," she said suddenly. "Well, mostly desk, at least, and missions were hardly as frequent and challenging as they are here."
"I don't know why you left in the first place. It's such an absurdity-you went to France to be an Auror, when all the outbursts of Death Eater activity happen here!"
Lily shrugged. "At least we managed to contain his advances there."
"And why do you keep doing work for them?"
"I just revise a scenario or two every once in a while; it's no big deal."
"But you're exhausted!"
"I can handle it," she replied mechanically. "Actually, I have to handle it. It's not like I dislike being under pressure all the time, you know that."
"Yes, but it's not doing you much good, Lily. We're all overworked, so you have to try to cut back on your other activities if you can."
She grinned. "Does barely speaking to my boyfriend for days on end count? If so, I'm certainly doing the best I can."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Don't look so shocked," Lily laughed. "Yeah, I have a boyfriend-I did last time I checked, at least. Poor schmuck, I've been ignoring him for weeks."
"I just, well, you've never mentioned him," James said vaguely. "Of course you have a boyfriend; it's only logical. I'd never given the matter any thought, that's all."
"His name is Alain and he's a French Auror. He's cute and perfect and rather intelligent."
"Good for you."
Lily seemed thoughtful for a moment, waiting for further questions. When none came, she offered, "You'd hate him-he gives off a distinctive Amos Diggory-ish feeling, you know? At least he's got some of the attributes to justify that obsession with excellence and the obnoxious overconfidence."
James was awed by the uncomplimentary description. One would have thought that a girl like Lily would like to have a boyfriend loved and envied by all. Well, it was entirely possible that she honestly cared little what her co-workers thought of the man.
"How… nice." She smiled and regarded him with curiosity. James felt compelled to reply accordingly, but settled for a simple "I'm dating Julia Rutilia."
"Oh!"
"You know her?"
"Of course. I went through Auror training with Jules. She's a year younger than us, remember?"
He raised an eyebrow. "You were... friends?"
"We are friends, I suppose. I haven't spoken to her in months, though."
"We've been dating for almost a year. Didn't she mention me?"
"I don't think so."
Lily cocked her head to the side and tried to imagine Julia and James together. They were an unlikely couple at best-the girl was meek and somewhat naïve, and he was… well, James.
"Do you like her?" she asked.
"I do."
"That's nice." Lily walked back to her desk and sat, feeling considerably reinvigorated. She appreciated these intervals, but every fibre of her ached, reminding her that she still craved a bed. "Have you looked at the Heathrow scenario yet?"
It took him a few seconds to get back to his Auror mindset. James suddenly realised that he'd become comfortable with Lily: he was no longer on guard all the time, and carefully weighing his every word. They had just had an entirely civil conversation, and, for some reason, it didn't seem all that absurd.
She was different now, in the middle of the night. Lily's defences were down, and it wasn't so desperately hard for him to come through to her, or for them to communicate with efficiency. This peace wouldn't last, he knew as much, but it indicated that it could be somehow possible for them to get along.
. . .
. .
.
Under surface, trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map
I'm on the top; I can't get back…
Coldplay, "Square One"
. . .
. .
.
It was early morning when Lily returned to the room. She was rested-they all were, after a nice two-hour magically enhanced sleep-, and, strangely enough, in a good mood. James knew far too little about that relationship of hers to speculate whether the cause of Lily's spirits could be meeting Alain in the morning, or the opposite.
James looked up to greet her with their customary flood of random reports and work-related news. Lily lifted her hand before he could start. "How about we just start this day off normally?" she asked. "You know, the way most other co-workers do?"
James stared at her quizzically.
She sighed. "A 'hey, how are you?' would be nice."
"Lily!" he exclaimed expansively, grinning. "How are you, darling? Looking good! How's the family?" Without a moment's hesitation, he stood and gave her what, had she cooperated, could have been an affectionate bear hug.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, she laughed. "You can be scary sometimes, James Potter."
"And that's news since when?"
She smiled, and sat at the desk. A switch seemed to flicker in Lily's brain, and, all of a sudden, she was on dead-set business mode, moving papers around, and looking for something. "So, about that Manchester scenario we'd discussed yesterday, I think-"
"You didn't answer my question."
She threw him a confused look. When James noticed that she had deemed his interruption irrelevant and was about to ramble on about work, he repeated, "Answer the question, Lily."
"Um." It took her some seconds to remember it. "My family? I haven't spoken to Petunia in a long time. Last I heard, she and Vernon were happily married."
James laughed. "She actually married him? Merlin, they deserve each other, but he was boring to the point of-"
"-making anyone want to chortle the man just to make him shut up, I know," she chuckled. "Yes, they got married. She doesn't want anything to do with me, so I just ring her every few months. They don't have children yet, and I assume that it bothers her to no end."
"Yes, she's always been obsessed with the idea of a perfect life, I remember that. What about your-?"
Much to his surprise, Lily seemed a tad flustered. "You do remember my mother is dead, don't you?"
"Of course." He frowned. "Back in third year… You were devastated."
"Yeah. Well, my father died a few years ago, too."
"How did he-?"
"Heart attack."
All Aurors quickly learned to suspect deaths identified by Muggles as cardiac failures. James raised a suggestive eyebrow, and Lily grimaced.
"I know. No, no. I looked into that possibility; actually, I obsessed over it for months. It was just a regular death."
"Why would Voldemort have killed him?"
"I-I don't know. He worked in a bank, nothing remarkable. But see, the kill had none of the Death Eaters' usual trademarks."
"That's no news. It happens all the time," James replied, examining her intently.
"Yes, but why would anyone attack him?"
"I've just asked you that."
"My question was rhetorical. Look, it wouldn't make sense to go after a man-and a Muggle at that-just because his daughter is an Auror," Lily reasoned. "My living in France would suggest, at the very least, a certain distance from my father, which wasn't far from the truth."
"His murder would affect you nonetheless. Anyone who's ever been your friend could have told them that you cared deeply for him."
"Well, yes, but who was I at the time? I was no one! I was doing nothing remarkable! If his goal had been to frighten me, then Voldemort should have made it clear, by previous threats or telltale signs, that it had been his doing."
"Murder was the first thing you thought of, wasn't it? It was your first guess."
She sighed. "Yes. Yes, it was."
"It made you desperate. You wanted revenge, and took every mission personally. You still hate him for it, despite all proof to the contrary of his intervention." James shook his head. "We've both seen it happen a thousand times. Voldemort loves terror-you may never know for sure."
Lily's hand nervously grasped his forearm. "James! James. I appreciate your concern, but… Look, I understand that, in our line of work, it's more than expected of us to be mistrustful of seemingly obvious solutions. But you have to believe me on this one. I'm a good Auror. If there were anything to be found there, I would have done so."
One detail struck James as odd. "You did all that from France?"
"Oh, no. I asked some old friends here to help me." Lily seemed uncomfortable, and he foresaw her reply milliseconds before she said it. "Namely, Remus and Frank. You don't-you're okay with that, right?"
"Of course," he said, surprising even himself by meaning it. He didn't feel betrayed, or even annoyed. "I could have helped."
"No, you wouldn't."
"I would. Your father was a nice guy."
Lily cracked a smile. "Well, thanks anyway."
After a brief silence, he said, "Shall we get back to work, then?"
"Yeah." She gave James an open grin, and he returned it. "Did you look at the Manchester thing?"
"Yes, but I think you forgot to take one thing into account."
"What?"
"Muggles."
Lily stared at him.
"I know you want to do it at night, but St Mary's Gate is never deserted."
"I can heighten security, but that may weaken the team."
"Yes, but it's a big shop! There will be cameras, and all sorts of alarms. Just see if you can work that in the scenario. Other than that, I have no problems with the strategy in itself."
She tilted her head. "Do you want to do this?"
"Do what?"
"Go on this mission. It hasn't been assigned to anyone yet, and it's an interesting challenge."
James shrugged. "I could."
"It's been over a month since you were out on the field. I don't know about you, but I often need the adrenaline."
"No, yeah, sure."
Lily scribbled a short note and beckoned her owl.
"Don't you want to come with me?"
She turned to look at him with mild surprise.
"I mean… We haven't been out together yet. It should be interesting, at least."
It took her only a moment to decide. "Yeah." Lily smiled, writing her name besides his on the parchment. "Yeah, okay, let's do it."
. . .