Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 3
"Monkey Wrench"
.
. .
. . .
Every day a new disguise; every night a Halloween
She says, "Keep the motor running, man"
Like I was some machine
You can talk, talk, but I'm keeping her stock
I wouldn't even change a thing…
Smash Mouth, "Digging Your Scene"
. . .
. .
.
Lily's brisk walk became a slow sway when she entered the shop. Her dark auburn hair had been magically changed to look white-blond and her eyes were strikingly blue. Her clothes did not at all resemble her usual sober, classic dressing style: she wore a close-fitting turquoise blouse, a blood red leather jacket, and embroidered jeans. Everything about her-down to the blatantly expensive jewellery and the high-heeled designer sandals clearly not made for casual afternoon shopping sprees-stated self-confidence, excess of money and willingness to spend it. Those were the kinds of traits all saleswomen had a trained eye for; they gravitated towards her like worker bees. They paid no attention to the quiet, subdued man behind her wearing large glasses and a suit.
Lily started asking for different accessories in a purposefully undetermined European accent, and they were brought to her almost at once. She made some unfunny quips and they all laughed, suggesting more items at which she happily agreed to look. No one noticed when the man went up the stairs and disappeared into the storage room.
James closed the door silently behind him and examined the shelves. It was here somewhere; it had to be, but where? He could use no spells to locate the small potion bottle: the Muggle equipment surrounding him was far too sensitive. He couldn't even move clothes around, lest the cameras caught the suspicious movement.
Suddenly, the door swung open and two saleswomen entered, chatting loudly. James, protected by his Invisibility Cloak, took advantage of the moment to search around more thoroughly. Anyone watching was bound to focus on the girls instead of packages moving around on their own.
Minutes later, he threw his arms up and would have growled in frustration if he had intended on scaring the poor women to death. Where would an unsuspecting Muggle hide an object handed to her by a dark wizard for safekeeping? The girl had no idea that her lover was actually a Death Eater, of course; she probably thought that the man was-oh, her opinion of Rodolphus Lestrange mattered little! Where could she possibly have put it? She was a mere employee, with no access to the safe. This room was the obvious alternative, but...
The solution was so obvious to the point of being an offense to his intelligence. How could he not have realised it? She worked with perfumes, for goodness' sake!
James bit his knuckles in frustration, an old habit of his. Why were those two obnoxious gossipmongers so busy chitchatting right in front of the damned door?
After far too long, they left. He took advantage of the closing door and slipped out, finding a quiet corner to remove his Cloak and return to the main store space.
Lily seemed to be having a blast. James had no idea how she'd managed to play this part so well; apparently, there were some hidden depths to his partner that he had never known. While unsuccessfully attempting to catch her gaze, he wondered if she enjoyed this thrill as much as he did. There was something about going undercover that never ceased to entertain him-the greater possibility of being caught, probably, as opposed to regular rescue missions. Such reflections usually led to his inner revolt at the stupid choice to become a mere strategist.
Lily had just moved away from the perfume section. Behind her, several women held the chosen items: she had clearly been busy. James had to dodge a few of them to approach her.
"Have you got everything you need, ma'am?" he asked in a subservient way that did not suit him in the least.
She suppressed a smile. "Yes, I believe so. But oh, something terrible happened! I broke a bottle of no. 19! Not that it's any good, naturally," she added, glancing at the nearest woman with a knowing grin. "Chanel could never surpass good old no. 5." Lily turned to James, making sure that her message had gone through. "I of course offered to pay for it, but they would hear none of that."
"That certainly won't be necessary," a woman with a manager-ish air about her said smoothly. "It was merely an accident, completely understandable."
"Shall I pay, then?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. For some reason, they hadn't bothered discussing this part of her cover, and James in all likelihood couldn't afford half of what the girl had picked.
Lily tilted her head to the side, and examined her many piles of designer accessories. She would never need any of these things, and it would be stupid to buy them simply so that the saleswomen wouldn't feel bad.
She apologised to them inwardly before saying, "Er... No. I don't think so. There's not enough variety here, I think. I can easily find better in London, or back in Zurich." Her blank face took on a condescending look, and she said with a smile, "Thank you all. You were immensely kind."
The collective exasperated sighs were audible and the hateful glowering, palpable. Each of these women would probably be frustrated for the whole day for not making this huge sale, and hers was a face they wouldn't forget any time soon.
"Do you remember where you parked the car, Robert?" Lily inquired, having clearly forgotten all about the shop and its attendants. One of the least infuriated women walked towards the door to open it for the almost-customer. "I think I'm already late for tea at Nina's. Shall we?"
"Of course, ma'am. Follow me."
.
. .
. . .
What do you do when all your enemies are friends?
Now and then I'll try to vent
Under pressure, wind up snapping in the end (one in ten, one in ten)
Don't wanna be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident...
Foo Fighters, "Monkey Wrench"
. . .
. .
.
Dorcas tentatively pushed the half-open office door, and was forced to duck a surprised-looking cat. The poor animal barely had time to meow before it hit the bottom of the stairs, becoming a large mug and exploding. The ensuing silence was reassuring, and she risked a glance at the two Chief Aurors, who had suspended their loud discussion to stare at her with surprise.
"I'm sorry," James said at once, walking to her. "Are you all right?"
Dorcas nodded, and tried to take in the gruesome sight of the room. She-as well as everyone else in the office, and perhaps even Lily and James-thought that the two of them had stopped having these horribly destructive arguments two weeks prior. Nobody understood why the damned things happened, crediting it to both Aurors' familiarity and temperamental geniuses. Nevertheless, those occurrences were so frequent that she had often wondered if keeping the two working together was worth the hassle.
"What's wrong?"
Lily and James blinked in confusion for several seconds before coming up with an answer. Ah, Dorcas realised, it was one of those arguments. Neither knew what had set it off, but it seemed serious, and was likely to go on for hours unless interrupted.
"She wanted Sirius on the team," James explained.
"And?"
"And James doesn't feel like working with Sirius on this one is a good idea."
"All right, so you pick another person."
"But I don't have to follow his opinions all the time! He's not even going on this mission-I am! I should get to pick my own team, that's all."
Dorcas rolled her eyes. "Of course you have to, Chief Evans. He's your partner."
Lily frowned. "He's unreasonable."
"No, you are," James intervened at once. "I'm only asking you a favour, one that's likely to help you, and you won't listen! Have you stopped to think that I may know Sirius a bit better than you do?"
"I know him well enough," she shrugged, "and I think he would be perfect for this. Can't you respect my own instincts?"
"Obviously not," Dorcas said with an understanding grin. "And that's why you started arguing. I see. Well, send someone else, then."
"Why must you agree with him?"
"No, I mean other than you, Lily. Pick another team altogether, both of you."
James made a face. "I suppose we could do that."
"Maybe Frank's?"
"Oh, good idea," he said with a grin, shuffling parchments around his table until he found a blank one. "I'll send him the plans."
Lily returned to her desk and started munching on the proper end of her quill. "Do you reckon one of them can take a Disguising potion instead of pure Transfiguration? Just to be safe, you know-in case there are unforeseen magic barriers."
"Yeah, I guess. Maybe even more than one could do it."
"Great!" She smiled and promptly turned her attention to another scenario. "Ah, this one looks interesting."
Dorcas took longer to adjust to the restored peace than the two Chief Aurors. Every single time that she thought that they would never work quietly again, off they went to discuss their strategies as if normality had never been disturbed. Why couldn't they be a tad more stable?
Since Lily's arrival, no one at the office had managed to maintain the old routine. Dorcas assumed that this had been positive in a way, but in time it had grown to become simply annoying.
"What's this about you guys leaving early today?" she demanded, remembering all of a sudden the reason she had climbed the stairs in the first place. "Not that it's a problem-today's Saturday, after all-, but I'm just asking if something's wrong."
"I have a date with Julia," James said, without looking away from the parchment. "It's our anniversary today."
"I have to meet the boys."
"The boys?" James stared at her with surprise. "You mean boys as in… my friends?"
"Yeah."
He blinked. "Okay."
Lily stood up and walked to her owl, handing her a sealed envelope. "You know we've always been close. They're going to Leylann's tonight." She paused in a distinctly meaningful way, and even Dorcas knew at once that, depending on what James replied, a major argument could be about to start.
Thankfully, his response was guarded. "I know; I'm stopping by later."
He had no idea whether she'd have a problem with that and, frankly, he couldn't bring himself to care much. Before they even knew of Lily's existence, Sirius, Remus and Peter were James' friends, and she most certainly would not keep him from meeting them whenever he felt like it.
James remembered well enough that he wasn't expected tonight. Perhaps Julia wouldn't be too fond of the idea of stopping by at Leylann's-not on their anniversary, of all days. Either way, it wasn't like he'd pass on this opportunity. He didn't recall what the Marauders' interaction with Lily was like back in the day, but in a strange way he feared their closeness now that the two weren't the best of friends. It was prudent to keep an eye on the reunion.
"All right," Lily said nonchalantly. She knew better than to ask about his anniversary. The idea that James was actually jealous of his three best friends and her was far too entertaining, and she allowed herself to dwell on the thought for a few moments. How could she have forgotten how amusing it was to annoy him in small ways like this?
.
. .
. . .
It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped
And all the whole mess of roads we're now on…
The Shins, "Caring is Creepy"
. . .
. .
.
"So you've been dating this Alain guy for almost two years," Sirius prompted, taking a swig off the sixth wine bottle of the night and passing it along to Peter. Wormtail was quickly becoming red-faced and sullen, his standard drunken behaviour, and downed some beverage quietly. "What's he like?"
Lily was lying on the sofa, and grudgingly lifted her head to look at Sirius. The effort, however, was far too tiring, and it made her dizzy; she resigned herself to staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night. "Boring," she said, reaching for the bottle Leylann sat up to hand to her. "Boring, boring, boring-but he's a nice guy."
"You like him, don't you?" Remus asked with a yawn. "He's predictable-the marrying type, probably."
"Since when does Lily like predictability?" Leylann laughed.
"I do! I actually do, you know. He's so safe! I mean, I know he'll always be there. And he'll always care more about whether I'm wearing the right scarf for the occasion than about my career or anything. It's comforting, in a way. He's the only close friend of mine who not only doesn't see me as an Auror but also honestly doesn't care either way."
"And you like that?" Sirius was shocked. This choice resembled little those of the Lily he'd known back in the day, but he supposed that made sense. She was somewhat unchanged in several aspects, but she'd learned how to make better choices when it came to her love life. After all, trusting James had led to the worst disappointment in the poor girl's life.
"I do."
"Good for you, then," Remus raised the bottle in a salute. "I hope the bloke proposes soon."
"He will," she grinned, and then chuckled. "His family loathes me, though."
"What, aren't you the perfect French lady?"
Lily snorted. "My last name is plain 'Evans,' Moony, not some posh one like 'd'Épernay' and whatnot. Plus, I've never been too fond of those endless cocktails… and holiday Masses! What's the point of going to Mass if you're a wizard anyway?"
"Ssh," Leylann chortled with the wine and a suppressed laugh, "Julia will be here soon, don't let her hear you say that!"
Lily stared at her thoroughly puzzled for a while until the vague old recollections came through. "Oh! Her mother's one of those conservative Catholics, right? I remember something like that."
Leylann nodded.
"She believes all that too, I think. She's tried to take Prongs to Mass many times, probably following her Mum's recommendations," Peter piped up all of a sudden. "I don't know, but can you imagine him in a church?"
"In the old days, he'd blow up the Parliament itself if he felt like it-" Sirius began.
"And you'd help him," Leylann interjected.
"We all would," Remus conceded dismissively. They had always been like this, the four of them. It was unimaginable for any of them to think of undertaking any particularly heavy task without counting on each other. Lily wondered just how much of the old unity had survived work and, well, life. It didn't seem possible to maintain much nearness through it all; the line had to be drawn somewhere, and it often shut people out beyond repair.
"Yeah, anyway, but he's no fun these days-especially now, Lily, since you've come back. No offense," Padfoot was quick to add, "but he seems so much more obsessed with work! He has barely seen Julia these past few days, you know. We manage to corner him every once in a while, but still!"
"I haven't had much of a life, either. Everything's just so hectic!"
"Lil, I'm an Auror too," Sirius pointed out while handing her the bottle. "Not that much has changed."
"Well, we're working on some different projects," she shrugged. "The Chief Aurors' board has far too many ideas for their own good, see, and we're usually the ones chosen to execute them."
"And how do you like sharing an office with him?"
"It's better now. We used to fight all the time, but we've gone to the field together a few times this week… it helps release tension, you know."
Leylann threw Sirius a coy look, and they laughed. Lily glowered, somewhat ineffectively, in their general direction.
"Don't even start, seriously. It's so not like that anymore."
Remus grinned. "Oh, Lily, I just want to be there when you realise it."
"There's nothing to realise, Moony."
"We've seen this before, that's all." Peter threw his arms up in mock surrender. "You can't deny that the situation does seem a bit familiar."
She rolled her eyes. "With the minor difference that I'm all too aware of the fact that James is, in fact, a bastard."
"Prongs isn't that bad! He's changed now."
"I'm perfectly content with just being his partner, thank you very much."
"Not that changed," Remus conceded. "Lily would keep a closer watch on him than Julia does, and he wouldn't get away with much of what he does nowadays."
Sirius snorted. "Oh, come on, Moony! Have you looked at the girl's face? She's begging to be cheated on, and I don't even think she'd mind it that much if she knew."
"Of course she minds it."
"You think Julia doesn't know?"
Remus hesitated. "Well, maybe she chooses to ignore it. But Prongs hides it moderately well, no? We know it because we're always around when it happens."
"Guys," Peter pointed out calmly. "You're not helping with the convincing-Lily part."
Sirius was mockingly horrified at the implication. "I don't want to convince Lily!"
"No, no, Peter," Remus slurred. "Lily's an independent girl now. We don't want them back together. Do you remember how utterly tedious it was to have James behave properly?"
"I mean, the guy works all the time, Wormtail. He has to have some fun every once in a while-and we all know Julia's not that kind of girl."
Lily actually raised her head this time, and the shock in her eyes was clear. "You mean she- they-" she stuttered, staring at Sirius. "I always thought she was a bit of a prude, but I just assumed she didn't like talking about it."
"I wouldn't know," Remus shrugged. "Padfoot is your guy for that kind of information. James doesn't bother asking me for advice when it comes to that. Plus, he knows I don't like this obsession-"
"Moony's a bit of a prude, Lily," Sirius clarified with an expansive gesture, knocking over the bottle he had just opened and growling. "Julia's a whole other level. I think they shagged tonight, though. I don't get what it is with the girl! Why do some women have this thing with waiting? It's so bloody stupid. Plus, a man has needs. She should be aware of that."
After a faint pop, Sirius became a huge black dog and promptly started licking the wine off Leylann's carpet. She watched the scene with dismal resignation, being clearly used to this sort of disaster.
Peter sighed and reached for some wand on the central table. He muttered a spell too low for Lily to hear and dried the wine, much to Padfoot's annoyance.
"Julia wants it to be special, I guess."
Sirius resumed human shape and started opening a new bottle. "And where was this girl at Hogwarts?" he went on, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened in the past few seconds. "Why couldn't she have found some bloke to take care of it at some point? I mean, really, she's twenty-five years old! That's long enough!"
"Twenty-three," Leylann corrected. "And just because you're fond of sluts, Sirius, it doesn't mean that all men are. If James weren't, for instance, he wouldn't have remained this long with her, his affairs notwithstanding."
"James… is weird," Sirius replied quietly. "I don't get him, either."
"What?" Lily demanded with a strident laugh. "Is James thinking of marrying her?"
"I think so," he frowned. "I really don't know. He's never mentioned it, but I suppose that there is no other reason for him to carry on with this relationship, right?"
"I pity the woman who marries him, I do," Lily said, closing her eyes. "I would hope that it's not Julia, whom I'm actually fond of, but I guess it is, so I'll remember to wish her good luck."
Peter tittered. "It could've been you, you know."
"What?"
"I remember he asked his mum for the ring and everything during Christmas holidays. It's a pity you guys didn't make it."
"It's not a pity," Remus replied for her.
Leylann made a face and tried to say nothing.
"Well, we'll never know. But no, I don't think Prongs would've been the best for Lily. They're far too high-strung, both of them-don't you remember how terrible their fights used to be?"
"Good point."
"I'm better off alone," she said simply.
"You do have a boyfriend, Lily."
"I mean... James-less. Alain never had nearly as much impact on my life as he does-did-well, both, really."
Somehow, Sirius managed to stand up and walk a few steps. All in all, he'd always had higher alcohol tolerance than his friends, even though he usually felt drunk earlier than the rest of them-sometimes, alcohol didn't even need to be involved. Lily lazily watched as he made his way to her, managing not to knock over any objects or liquid-filled containers.
All of a sudden, Sirius' face was alarmingly close to hers. His grey eyes bore into hers with drunken intensity, and his voice sounded sober and grave. Lily had never noticed that his eyes were so big. They scared her a little.
"Lily," he said, taking a deep breath. "You have slept with this man, right?"
Her eyes widened and it took her a few seconds to start laughing. He took a step back at once.
"Hey, there's no need to shower me with saliva!" he complained, wiping his face with a grimace. "I'm just asking a perfectly valid question!"
She quieted down and sighed. "Look at my face, Sirius."
"I was looking, until you decided to-"
"I'm not Julia. James and I humped like bunnies-sometimes in the same room as you-for a whole year. Do you honestly believe that I could have changed this much?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Well, no, but..."
"But what?"
Sirius cleared his throat. "I don't mean to pry or anything, but it sure looks like you haven't gotten any recently-your being tense and focusing too much on work and all that."
Lily grinned. Was it that obvious? She and Alain weren't the most excited of couples when it came to sex nowadays, but it had never been all that stimulating. Their routine had slowed down to one, maybe two times a month, and she simply didn't look forward to it anymore. Not that she had any time and disposition to think about that sort of thing even if she did enjoy it, of course.
"Well, if you ever need any help to unwind," he winked, "you know I'm always available."
"Hey!" Leylann interjected, laughing. She wouldn't mind it at all, and everyone in the room knew it. Her relationship with Sirius wasn't in the least stable, and that was the way the couple wanted it to be.
"And so is Leylann, of course," he added with a smirk. "You know, in case you're in the mood for another of those. I would really love to be involved this time instead of Prongs, if you wouldn't mind. If you do… Well, I can just borrow his Cloak and bring a camera. Just let me know-you won't see or hear me, I promise."
.
. .
. . .
Baby, slow down-the end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your heart
I'll give you everything you want, except the thing that you want
You are the first one of your kind, and you feel like no one before...
U2, "Original of the Species"
. . .
. .
.
It was a clear and beautiful dark moon night. The room was perfect, just like Julia had planned it to be. There were candles and petals everywhere, and the smell of flowers was intoxicating. James had been trying immensely hard all night not to mention how much it was bothering him, but he assumed that the atmosphere played an important role in Julia's fantasies, so he'd let it pass.
Changing his sheets had been unnecessary. The satin-ish cloth she had chosen-James knew nothing about fabrics, so he really couldn't tell what it was-clung to his sweaty back and made it uncomfortable for him to move. The lights were dimmed, too, to an indefinite brown tone, giving him the constant impression that the smoke from the burning candles hadn't left the room. It was suffocating.
All things considered, James couldn't wait to leave his bed, and get as far away from his apartment as possible. He had never been a romantic guy, and this setting was exaggeratedly so; the fact that Julia had spread her long curly hair on his chest didn't help the heat, either.
He was supposed to feel relieved, wasn't he? The year they'd spent together had zoomed by, and for several reasons he hadn't craved sleeping with Julia as much as anyone would expect him to. Now that it was over, he found it quite unsatisfying and, to be honest, a little boring.
Of course he hadn't expected her to know the Kama Sutra front to back. James had had no concrete hopes of what tonight was supposed to be like, and he therefore assumed that there was no disappointment in his mind. It was something else-he just couldn't quite place it.
Maybe it had been the surprise of finding out that Julia wasn't, in fact, a virgin. His ego had been a tad bruised by that, without a doubt. Perhaps this lack of fulfilment had to do with his old habit of looking at his girlfriend in a somewhat non-sexual way. Since meeting Julia, he'd figured that he would be in this relationship for the long run, and such petty things couldn't interfere.
She opened her eyes to look at him, resting her chin on his chest. "James?"
"Hm?"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you-"
"It's okay."
He wasn't supposed to care about that new piece of information, and he knew it. It wasn't all that important, after all. He could simply ask Lily or Leylann who Julia's previous boyfriends were if he got curious. Maybe he could even do it tonight.
Nevertheless, she seemed eager to tell him everything. "You never asked. It's just... I never really knew how to approach you with this. There was this one other guy-the one I dated before you-, and we were about to get married when he left me."
James nodded in silence, stroking her hair. "Don't worry about it, really. It's no big deal." He gently pushed her head to rest, so that she couldn't catch the pensive look in his eyes.
When was he going to propose? It was a pressing question, whose answer was entirely unknown to him. Was he ready to take such a big step? They both knew that they were getting married, of course, but there was no real deadline. There could not have been one, lest James freak out and cancel everything on a whim.
He had to make one decision at a time. Sleeping with Julia had been a misstep. It hadn't been fun at all-and he had to learn not to expect that from her. She wasn't the love of his life: she was the woman he intended on marrying. He would manage to live with her for years. They knew each other's shortcomings well by now, and he was sure that hers wouldn't be much of a problem.
The girl was perfect for him, really. She was everything James had always wanted in a wife. He had no idea why he still had a nagging feeling indicating that this wasn't going to work out, that this wasn't right. It was absurd.
"I have to go to Leylann's," he whispered, stroking her back. "I promised to the boys that I would. You can, too, if you want."
Whenever he bothered making the offer, she tended to catch the drift: he never actually wanted her to come.
"Sure, okay," she replied. "Let me just have a quick shower."
James groaned inwardly. Did Julia feel that she was entitled to this sort of thing now just because they'd shagged or something?
"I'll go first-I'm already late anyway. We'll meet there, all right?"
She nodded drowsily, and he tried to move away in a smooth manner so that her position would not change too abruptly. He failed, and Julia would have rolled to the ground, had he not reached for her in time. After securing her position and hugging her for a while more, James felt her drift off to sleep and stood.
He couldn't wait to get to Leylann's flat. Spending time with his friends was bound to be the most entertaining part of his night.
.
. .
. . .
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate, someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred…
Enough about me! Let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you! Let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretences falling all around…
Alanis Morissette, "All I Really Want"
. . .
. .
.
"Prongs!"
James suspected that Remus' uncharacteristically loud greeting was not directed to him, but to the other people in the room who might not have noticed his entrance. He briefly wondered what they had been discussing, but the reflection was dismissed at once. If it had been anything interesting, the talk would reach his ears at some point in the evening.
"How was your date?" Leylann asked, observing his facial expression with attention. He hesitated, and she sighed, handing him the bottle.
"It was fine," he ended up saying, not to anyone's satisfaction.
"Well?" Sirius prodded.
"We did do it, if that's what you're asking."
"And?"
James shrugged.
"Was it that bad?"
"No, it was simply unsurprising-except for the fact that she had done it before."
"She did?" Leylann asked, her mouth hanging open for a moment. She then slapped her forehead. "She did! That's right; I remember! She dated what's-his-face for a long time during Auror training!"
"True!" Lily exclaimed, sitting up quickly. "She was engaged to the younger Prewett, the one who dated Amelia back at Hogwarts. What's his name again?"
"Fabian," James replied at once. He tried to picture the couple together: Julia and Fabian weren't too bad a match. Why had he never known about this?
Lily shook her head. "He dumped her all of a sudden, and we had to comfort her. Merlin! That was one traumatising break-up for everyone involved, including us."
"It wasn't as bad as yours," Leylann commented with a smile. "I could barely stand to look at James' face for months after Graduation."
"Well, I was an arse," he said nonchalantly.
"You were."
No one minded discussing the topic of Lily and James' relationship with either of them, but it seemed strange to do so with both present. Everyone felt that it was sort of taboo, and bound to cause awkward silences.
"Damn, it's getting late," Leylann said to no one in particular, checking her watch. "I have an early shift tomorrow."
Sirius decided that such digressions were unwelcome and wanted to get back to the topic of Julia. "I take it you had no idea, then, Prongs? That was probably not pleasant."
"Your male pride is wounded, James?" Lily laughed. "Don't worry. He only got in her pants because they were supposed to be married. She's still quite pure."
"Oh, I know that. It's no big deal."
"She'd be desolate if she found out that you've been cheating on her."
"She won't find out," he replied soberly. "I'm careful."
"I bet you said that about me, too," Lily retorted in a surprisingly acerbic tone. "Try not to be too obvious-for her sake. She's probably in love with you, even if it isn't reciprocated."
"How can you assume it's not reciprocated?"
She shrugged.
"Don't act like you're one to talk about cheating, Lily," Sirius sneered. "I met Benjamin Fenwick a few months ago and he mentioned meeting you."
Lily grinned.
"And I could tell by the way he was talking that he had scored. Did you know that he's married, by the way?"
She nodded, and was about to talk when Leylann interrupted her. "Fenwick? You're still involved with him, after all this time?"
"Well… sort of. We're old friends-that's all! I've met him once or twice every year since we broke up, and we happened to end up in bed every time. It's entirely casual, with no commitment whatsoever."
"How quaint," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "I thought you had decided to become a settled, responsible woman."
James scoffed. "Oh, sure." He looked down at the bottle from which he'd just taken a swig and seemed pensive. "Why are we drinking this anyway? Since when do we drink wine by the gallon?"
"Lily brought it," Remus explained. "It's French."
"I thought the French drank wine properly."
"Most of them do, but I'm not French. Plus, I haven't gotten properly shitfaced in a while, and I felt like it tonight. Oh," she remembered suddenly, "I want a cigarette."
"You smoke?" Sirius asked, puzzled.
"Yeah, and James complains about it all the time."
"Why would he do that? He used to smoke, too, and bloody well liked it."
"I know, but he-"
"Having people smoking around you is annoying if you're not one of them," James clarified. "It bothers me, especially because our office is not big enough for the smoke to disperse before it gets to my desk."
"Don't you miss it?"
"Sometimes, yeah, but not too often. It's a habit I've mostly grown out of, I think."
Lily stood, waited a while for the dizziness to disappear, and walked to the window. There, she lit up and sat on the windowsill, hugging her knees.
What was she doing here? She had completely lost contact with her French friends over the past few weeks. It had seemed natural to politely ignore their invitations and only meet a few of them briefly during the weekends. Lily was more and more willing to return to this life-to hang out with the Marauders and Leylann again-and to let the others drift away.
Maybe it was because no one else was quite compatible with her current lifestyle. Being in London meant meeting several old acquaintances at work on a daily basis. It also meant being around James, who, little though she liked to admit it, affected her personality in ways she couldn't always control.
Her reasons for leaving England seemed a tad ridiculous in hindsight. She had needed the distance to become more self-assured and independent, sure, but moving to another country altogether had clearly been an exaggeration. Lily could handle James now, for better or worse. It went without saying that she was more than able to avoid any kind of involvement with him.
"Give me one?" said a voice directly behind her, nearly startling Lily into losing her balance. James had foreseen her shock, of course, and his tight grip on her arm would've prevented her from falling if that had been the case.
"I thought you had grown out of it," she grinned, reaching for the pack in her pocket.
"I did say that I sometimes felt like smoking," he replied, also smiling. "Mostly when I drink, actually, but people I'm out with generally don't have any, so I make do."
James lit up and took a deep drag. "Ah," he sighed contently.
Lily laughed at his satisfied facial expression. "What, wouldn't Julia let you have one after sex?"
He made a face. "No way."
Lily threw out her stub and motioned for James to give her another one. He complied. It was a welcome change, she wondered bemusedly, to have him not criticize her smoking for once.
"How was tonight?"
"It was great," she said, looking out the window. This neighbourhood was usually quiet at night, and the weather these days had been freezing to boot. There were no cars on the street below, and the only sound outside was the occasional howling of the wind. "I missed them-I missed all this."
He blew some smoke carefully upwards, watching its intricate patterns for a few seconds before asking, "Are you coming back for good?"
"I think so."
"That's good." James turned to gaze at her with strange intensity. "I do like working with you, you know, despite… everything."
"You won't get any peace at the office any time soon," she noted with a smirk.
"It's quite all right. My job was significantly less adventurous before you came along."
Lily laughed, and slid out of the windowsill. It was only then that she noticed that the living room was entirely empty. "Has everyone gone to sleep?" she asked disbelievingly.
"Probably. Leylann did say that she has to get up early tomorrow."
"Right," she blinked, still confused. It made little sense for them all to leave at once, unless-
James concluded the same thing, and suggested, "They may have thought that we-"
Lily shook her head, grinning. They were incorrigible, the lot of them. They might not have wanted the two Aurors to have any involvement other than professional courtesy, but no one would want to get in the way if that were the case.
"Come on," he said amiably. "I'll walk you home."
Lily raised a sceptic eyebrow, and threw him an amused look.
James smirked. She was rather sober, and he was aware of that. "It's unsafe to Apparate when one's drunk, see."
"I live in Paris."
"Even more so, then," he countered, walking to the coffee table and fishing out of the mess what he assumed by the stunning weight to be Lily's purse. "Lead the way-we'll go on the count of three."
.
. .
. . .
This apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence
Wondering around this house like I've never wanted out
This is about as social as I get now…
Dashboard Confessional, "Saints and Sailors"
. . .
. .
.
"If you wanted to see my apartment, you could've just asked, you know," Lily said, turning on the lights in her living room. The place wasn't messy-she was home hardly long enough to organise it, let alone disarrange things-but it looked positively neglected. The scant plants had been kept alive through magic; the ashtrays and couches hadn't been used in a while; the table was dusty and empty. It was a sad sight.
"I've already seen it, a long time ago. You brought me here when your grandmother got sick, remember?"
"Oh, right." She went to the kitchen and called out, "Do you want something to drink, eat, anything?"
"No, thanks."
James looked around the flat. It resembled Lily in a way he couldn't quite describe, but everything gave off such coolness that the similarities became hard to identify. So this was how she had been living all these years! Her home sooner made one think of a redecorated hotel room: it had no warmth whatsoever, no vivacity.
He sat on the sofa. Its light pastel tone indicated that it hadn't been made to sit on-at least not by people as messy as his friends.
Lily returned and sat in front of him. "So, James, what are you doing here?"
He shrugged and said nothing. She had the distinct impression that he wasn't sure himself, but pressed on nevertheless.
"You knew I could have come back alone."
"I was just-I don't know. I didn't feel like sleeping."
"You could always go to the office and work."
"I didn't really feel like doing that, either."
"How unusual." She reached for the pack of cigarettes and he motioned that he wanted one as well. "My boyfriend's probably here, you know."
James had no reaction. "Why would that be an issue?"
"I'm just saying."
They smoked in silence for a few minutes. James thought about Lily, Lily's previous life, and why his friends were so convinced that they would get back together at some point. That wasn't a possibility. He hardly ever thought of her that way anymore, except for one or two occasions during which he'd let his mind wander too far into the past for his own good.
Lily shifted uncomfortably on her seat. "So… um."
"I should probably get going," James said absently, his thoughts visibly far away. At the moment, he was sure that he didn't want to go home and meet Julia. For whatever reason, the idea made him somewhat uncomfortable. He wished that he could come up with something to chat about with Lily, but they hardly discussed anything but work.
Coming to this apartment had brought on the startling realisation that James didn't, in fact, know Lily as well as he thought he did-not anymore, at least. There were parts of her character and history that, due to circumstances beyond his control, were locked away from him. That was bothersome, even though he didn't know why.
James had always taken his knowledge of Lily's personality for granted. He'd never stopped to think that she might have changed beyond his comprehension. She certainly didn't seem all that different when they were together, but perhaps that was an unconscious effort on her part: maybe the old familiarity was important to keep them tuned.
James had matured, and he was certain of it, but she had never caught more than slight glimpses of that. The reverse was possibly true as well.
"What did you do?" he asked out of the blue. "While you lived here, I mean. What was your life like?"
His question confused her, but she caught her footing in time. "It was fine. I started going out with Alain not long after I came here, so I had to adapt my lifestyle to that of the official girlfriend of the oldest Delacour brother." Lily gave him a half-smile and went on, "They have galas and dinner parties. It's quite tiresome."
"You told me you'd been bored. Is that why you cheated on him?"
"No." Lily was thoughtful for a few moments. "Perhaps partly, but-I don't think I could put it that way. I chose this life for me, and I knew exactly what it would be like when I did so. It's frustrating after a while, but I figured long ago that stability was what I needed in my personal life."
"Was work in France that chaotic?"
She grinned. "You know perfectly well that enough obsessing about anything can make it seem a lot more important and complicated than it is. Well, I've always enjoyed obsessing about Strategy. It's relaxing, in a strange way."
"Most people would say that that's escapism, that you were trying to avoid focusing on other aspects of your life."
"It's not that!" She frowned. "You know that it's not that, don't you?"
Lily expected him to know her. How could she, when she obviously thought that he had the emotional maturity of an eighteen-year-old? How could she trust him with this friendship-theirs was a bizarre friendship, without a doubt, but it was one nonetheless-and with her life on the field on a regular basis when she had no trust whatsoever on him?
Well, of course James trusted her implicitly. His belief in her capacity for cruelty towards him was superficial: they cared for each other in a purely instinctive way neither would like to acknowledge. He'd never realised it until that very moment, but it was the absolute truth.
Snapping away from his reverie, he replied, "Actually, I think it is exactly that. You need to have absolute control over some part of your life, but you also need excitement and challenge to keep you going, so you decided to have an insane job and a zealously ordinary love life."
She tilted her head to the side and didn't retort. If that statement had come from most of her other friends, she would've denied it, but it hardly seemed worth it with James. Who better than him knew what a hopeless control freak she was?
James smiled. "Tonight was quite enlightening, Lily."
"How so?"
"It just was." He stood and glanced at her. "I guess I'll see you on Monday, then?"
She chuckled. "Will we manage to survive Sunday without contacting each other? It hasn't happened yet."
"Well, it's hardly our fault that so many teams need emergency missions prepared over the weekend. Voldemort's to blame-but I hope he keeps quiet tomorrow. I'd like to get some sleep, for a change."
"So would I," she agreed, standing. "Good night, then."
"Sleep well," he said, preparing to Disapparate. "By the way, I almost forgot-nice apartment. It's very… you."
. . .