Chapter Ten
Confessions
Author's Note: Thanks for all those reviews! You guys know I love them!
We walk in the same park that we walked in the day he told me he was marrying Natalie.
That day seems so far away, like a distant memory of sadness and regret. But it's closer than it feels and I'm painfully aware of my stupidity and how foolishly I've carried on since Harry came back. I'm usually so calm and collected and in charge of what I do and how I go about things.... But looking back on it I feel like I've been completely out of control recently.
I guess love can do that to you.
The sky is cloudy and the ground is damp with remnants of rain. The air is cold, clear and clean from the shower, but biting with chilliness. The setting sun hides behind taunting, heavy clouds and the wind is strong. The stone pathway we walk along has patches of puddles on it and droplets are clinging to dead lamps. The sky would be a pale orange or pink if it wasn't for the menacing storm clouds overhead.
We walk in an agitating silence that threatens to turn awkward at any moment. But it can't turn awkward, not today, I'm too mad for anything to feel weird. The blinding, possessive feeling of anger shuts out all other feelings right now and dominates my brain and heart, causing me to shake from within.
I refuse to speak first, Harry can walk into this one, I've dealt with enough of his crap.
Apparently he realizes the tension and the fact that I'm growing increasingly angry because when we're in an empty part of the park he breaks the silence.
"So, what'd you want to talk about?" he asks, stopping to look at me.
It's so hard to hate him when I love him so much.
But I laugh acidly, because I'm pissed that he doesn't love me.
He sighs, "It's about today isn't it?" he asks, not sounding annoyed, not sounding scared.
I stare at him, "Along with other things."
"Look," he begins, taking a step towards me. "I'm really sorry but you said you'd be okay-"
I flinch, "Harry! I was a millisecond away from having a nervous breakdown! I wasn't about to say 'Oh Harry no, stay with me so your precious Natalie won't call me a whore again and never apologize!'"
He stares at me for several seconds with a look in his eyes that borders between suspicious and inquisitive, "So you're angry at Nat?"
I groan, "Along with other people."
"Hermione, what's going on with you? You haven't been acting at all like yourself since I came back."
I laugh, if only he knew.
"Maybe you just don't know me very well anymore," I say bitterly.
He sounds hurt, "That's not true, you're my best friend."
The words sting. Best friend. It was never a poisonous word before, but now it hurts just to hear him utter the words.
I press my lips together, as to not let a sob escape, and turn away from him.
There's silence between us for a few seconds. All I can hear are cars in the distance and the soft sound of Harry's breathing.
He doesn't say anything and it makes my anger pulse and scream. Why can't he just love me? Why does he need to love Natalie? Why can't he break up with her and wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me? Why can't everything just be simple.
"Hermione," I hear him say and he takes a step toward me, every nerve in my body is on end, every hair and cell is shaking and nervous. My whole body is weak because he's walking closer.... but I'm still so angry.
He reaches for my arm but I twist around and look at him furiously.
"You came here out of the blue and tell me you're getting married," I shout. "Do you expect me to be happy for you?!"
He looks at me incredulously, "Yes? That's exactly what I expect from you."
He says the world 'you' differently, hinting that I have no right to be anything other than happy for him.... Everyone else can be upset about it with good reason, but me? I have no right whatsoever.
"Why should I be happy for you, Harry?" I snap, narrowing my eyes at him. "Why should I be happy that you're marrying her?!"
He looks at me sternly, "Hermione, you're not being fair-"
"Harry!" I cry out, startling a bird out of a bare tree nearby. "You're not being fair! You knew her for a week!"
He's growing angry, I can tell. He's been annoyed since I started talking, confused as to why I was acting so weird and annoyed that I couldn't just tell him why. Now he's mad at me, angry that I'm being selfish and not happy for him, angry because now I'm confusing him.
He's keeping quiet though, but his eyes are set low and his jaw is clenched as he looks at every part of me, inside and out. He's going to snap at me sooner or later.... I hope he does.
And then I say something that I hope will break his ability to hold strong.
"Didn't you think it was a little inconsiderate-"
He lashes out without a second thought.
"How dare you!" he says, disbelief in his eyes.
We both know that he loved me, we knew then and we know know. He loved me once upon a time, but it's a forbidden topic, something he haven't spoken about because it's over and done with. Something of the past. But I know it's bubbling to the surface in his mind, just aching to escape his lips. He wants to use it against me, something he hasn't done yet, but today, he does.
He shakes his head, "You left me, Hermione, nine years ago!" his breathing is ragged as he continues. "You left without telling anyone where you were going."
I'm silent, my heart pounding in my chest, so loud I'm sure he can hear it. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins and I wait.
Anger is blazing in his eyes, "You knew I loved you, you knew I was going to ask you to come with me.... You knew, but you left me anyway." His voice is dry, "And I'm inconsiderate!? I'm unfair!?"
I want to say something but I can't.
"I'm inconsiderate because it took me the longest time to actually get over you, and now I finally am, I'm getting married! And I'm happy, I'm getting on with my life, I'm okay with just being your friend for once," he pauses. "And I'm inconsiderate," it's more of an acid question then a statement.
I look down, my nails are digging into my palm and my breath is coming out in little puffs of steam, "I know what I did was wrong...." I trail off.
There's a long silence that follows. I look at him and I'm afraid I might begin to cry, my eyes are hot with tears and I swallow hard.
Finally, he says, "And maybe-" he stops, then starts again. "Maybe I never really got over you, and I knew- I just knew that you would either reject me or head for the hills again," he sounds as if he might cry, his voice is weak and shaky. "So I found Natalie, I thought everyone would be happy but instead they're all telling me I'm rushing into it!"
I stare at him in awe, Maybe I never really got over you - The words echo around in my head, sending a chill down my spine.
His gaze on me his hazy and shaking slightly. His green eyes are penetrating as he stares at me and suddenly I feel even weaker than before and a little lightheaded.
Is this the same Harry I knew from so many years ago? The same Harry who went into battle and came out battered and bruised but still willing to give his life for anyone? The same Harry who would never let anyone put them self in danger for him? The same man who was so war-beaten but so strong at the same time? Is that same Harry vulnerable? And if so, is he so weak and yielding to the world right now. . . . Because of me?
His teeth are chattering a little bit and as he stares at me, his face forlorn, I can't help but fall in love with him all over again.
He's about to get lost in the silence and our eyes locked on each other when he shakes his head a little and shouts, "And what about Robbie?" he questions. "You didn't tell me about him! At least I told you about Natalie!"
I throw my hands up in exasperation and roll my eyes, "Robbie's gay!"
He stares at me for a second, "Excuse me, what?"
I sigh, "He's really just one of my best friends, and the gayest man you will ever meet."
He shakes his head, closing his eyes for a second as if he doesn't understand any of it, "Then why'd you tell me he was...." he trails off.
I can't stand it.
I honestly can't take it anymore! I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, so much so that it hurts. If I don't do something about it soon I will go completely mad.
I can't remember a time where I didn't love him, a time where I wasn't thinking about his gorgeous face and the feel of his lips against mine.
"Ha-Harry," I start off shakily. "I'm about to do something, and if you hate me for it then I'm sorry."
I throw away all my inhibitions and unsureness in a matter of five seconds and do the only thing logical, I kiss him.
My lips cover his and vice versa. I sneak my arms around his neck, pulling him tighter.
I've waited to do this for so long.
His lips are warm and sweet despite the cold, forgotten atmosphere around us. He's not pulling away and he's not pushing me back, he's returning the kiss. Maybe he can't help it, or maybe Ron was right.... I don't know, I don't care right now. The world could melt away right now and I wouldn't mind.
It's heaven on Earth for nearly a minute when he suddenly pulls away.
"I can't do this! I'm engaged!" he shouts, backing away.
And with that final statement, I turn away, making a quick fleeting decision.
"Goodbye Harry," and I hurry away before he can break my heart again.
Not that a shattered heart can break anymore, but he could probably stomp on the pieces pretty well.