A/N PLEASE READ DISCLOSURES IN CHAPTER ONE.
THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY
Hermione Granger felt she had been very calm, confident, collected, and most of all, patient. Too patient, really, she thought to herself as she toyed with her green peas.
"Now, sweetie, you shouldn't sulk, I'm sure Harry is fine," Tonks said. "It'll give you lines, you know, and then he'll dump you. More wine?"
Hermione made a face. She knew Tonks and Lupin were doing their best in their own ways to support her, but that did not change how empty she felt inside.
"It's been three days," she said for the fourth time. "He should have at least called me on the mirror just to tell me that he was safe. I've tried more than a dozen times and he's never there. I … just … hurt inside. I can't even begin to describe it."
"I'm sure he's thinking about you, Hermione," Remus said. "Perhaps he's just been too busy or surrounded by muggles to be able to answer you."
"Oh, you mean he's too busy for …" me, she thought as her voice trailed off. It came out in a snarl and Hermione instantly felt guilty. She didn't mean to bite Lupin's head off.
"Come, Hermione, you should be more patient," Tonks said. "I know you're a very patient person, just watching you work as a doctor."
"Damn it, Tonks, I'm a practical medical spell research theorist, not a doctor!" Hermoine snapped. "And for your information, most doctors aren't patients!"
"I thought all doctors had patience," Lupin said mildly, and his soothing voice made Hermione feel worse again.
"Look, I'm sorry I'm jumping down your throats," Hermione said. "I do appreciate the dinner and the lunch the other day and how you're trying to help me cope. It's just that, well, most doctors don't have their loved ones trapped on a world in a parallax dimension and with no idea how he is or if he needs my help."
A tear squeezed out of Hermione's eye and trickled down her face. Tonks got up and walked over to her and snatched her into a hug from behind. Hermione sniffed, and Tonks made eye contact with her husband, who very silently left the room. Hermione sniffed again, and Tonks brought her into a strong hug, and held the younger woman as she cried quietly for a few minutes.
"It's just not fair that everything happens to him," Hermione sobbed finally. "I feel so helpless, and I love him so much."
Tonks quietly rubbed Hermione's shoulders. "Have you talked to McGonagall?" she said quietly.
"Umm … no, why?" Hermione asked.
"Well, she sent him there, and didn't Hogwarts take in an exchange wizard? Maybe they can give you some answers," Tonks said, soothingly.
"You're right, auntie. I ought to ask them," Hermione said. "I just didn't want to bother them with my childish requests."
"Childish? Girlfriend, if my big, furry husband was missing this long, I'd have the entire Order of the Phoenix plus the Ministry Auror staff on 24/7 alert," Tonks said. "Harry's a bit of a special case. I think we can dispense of the childish nature of your request.
"Yo Wolf-boy!" she shouted. Remus appeared in an instant. "Sweetie, would you please please get in touch with McGonagall and let her know that we need to speak with that other wizard tomorrow about our nephew?" Tonks batted her eyelashes, now cerulean blue, for extra effect.
Lupin smiled. "I'll go myself," he said. "Will I be escorting you, Miss Granger?"
Hermione smiled a watery smile. "Yes, please, Uncle Remus," she said. "I guess I could floo away at lunch or after work."
"Let's plan on after work - say 5:30, okay," Remus said. "I'll have it all set up."
"Thanks. Thank you both so much," Hermione said. "I … I think I'm going to spend the night at my parent's house, okay? I haven't really even told them that Harry's gone."
"Sure, sweetie," Tonks said. "You're always welcome here, you know, if you need a place to crash, too. I can tie up the wolf and it can be just us girlies."
"I usually enjoy it when you tie me up," Remus said, wickedly.
"Ooh … ooh … ooh … too much information," Hermione said.
"Yea, righ', Hermione," Tonks said, joining her husband in a wicked grin. "Like you two young'uns haven't tried it."
Hermione blushed shades of red hitherto unknown in her countenance. "Er … yes … and on that note," she stood up. She walked over and kissed Lupin on the cheek, and then hugged Tonks a last time. "I'll be here tomorrow 5:15, okay?" she said, and apparated out before even seeing Lupin's nod.
Lupin smiled. "Poor kid, she must be out of her mind with worry. But I'm sure that Harry's fine."
"Oh yes, I agree," Tonks said. "Still, I hope you meant what you said."
"About seeing Minerva? Of course," Lupin said.
"Yes, I'm aware, but that's not quite what I meant," said Tonks, holding out a set of Auror's handcuffs with a knowing smile.
…
The following late afternoon had Hermione arrive at Grimmauld Place at 5:10, even though Lupin assured her that McGonagall would not be ready to see her until 5:30.
"Lots of things going on in prep for the school year," he said.
After a quick spot of tea, by 5:25 they were in McGonagall's office, which remained empty. "Headmistress? HEADMISTRESS!" Hermione shouted.
"Now, now, Ms. Granger, no need to shout," came the twinkling-eyed portrait of Albus Dumbledore.
"But, Headmaster, we need to see Headmistress McGonagall right away," Hermione said, breathless. "It's about Harry, we haven't gotten in touch, and I'm so worried."
"I know, Ms. Granger. However, I also know that Harry has not contacted you under orders from Samuel Vimes, his commanding officer," Dumbledore said, smoothly. "He is perfectly fine, just obeying orders."
"How do you know?" Hermione persisted.
"Ah, my dear, that I am afraid I cannot discuss with you. Suffice it to say that I am fully aware of Harry's current well-being, which is perfectly well," Dumbledore said. The portrait's eyes twinkled merrily. "However, if you are really interested in finding out, I suggest you speak with Dobby."
"Dobby?" Hermione said, perplexed.
"And now, I'm afraid I have much business in front of me," Dumbledore said. "A pleasant evening to you, Miss Granger, and of course to you too, Remus." The image of Dumbledore strolled out of its portrait.
"What - what did that mean?" asked Hermione.
In answer, Headmistress McGonagall entered the room. "Good evening Remus, Hermione," she said.
"Good evening, Minerva," Remus said. "Would you mind so much if I took a toffee? Nymphadora doesn't permit me them, you know," he said, nicking one off her desk.
McGonagall flashed a withering glance at him, which didn't dissuade the former Marauder in the slightest.
"Now, Hermione, I understand you wish to speak with Rincewind," McGonagall said.
"Yes, please, Headmistress," Hermione said.
"Minerva, Hermione. You're no longer my student," McGonagall said.
"Please, Minerva, can I see Professor Rincewind?" Hermione said, feeling drained already.
"Professor Rincewind is … quite an enigma," the Headmistress said, with a slight frown. "I do not believe that he has been really seen by any of the faculty, other than Irma, and she never seems to know where he is when I ask her. Still, he has never yet been known to be late for a staff dinner, which are at 6 p.m., as I think you might remember. So if we walk down to the Great Hall, I am sure that you will find him there when meal-time comes."
The trio walked quietly to the Great Hall, with each step Hermione remembering adventures of her school daze. The return to Hogwarts after so many years was somewhat overwhelming to the former prefect and Head Girl.
At the dinner table, very few of Hogwarts' professors were gathered for the evening meal. Among them, however, were Argus Filch, Madam Irma Prince, the librarian, Professor Horace Slughorn, and Sibyll Trelawney. At the stroke of six, Rincewind came scrambling into the room, and suddenly dishes appeared in front of each of the diners, including Hermione and Remus.
"Welcome to our old friends, and may our dishes improve our appetites," McGonagall said.
The meal began in pleasant earnest. Hermione noted that Rincewind's plate was notable for its congregation of complex carbohydrates.
"Professor Rincewind?" she began timidly.
"Rincewind," he said quietly.
"I beg your pardon?" Hermione asked.
"Just Rincewind. No professor," he said. "What can I do for you, Miss Granger?"
"Rincewind, I have not been able to get in touch with Harry," she said. "I am so worried about him. Is there anything you know," she said hesitantly.
"Hex?" asked Rincewind quietly.
"Yes?" came a disembodied voice, somewhere in the region of Rincewind's pocket.
"What is the present location of Harry Potter?" Rincewind asked.
"Somewhere in Ankh-Morpork," came the voice. "His thaumic signature has surged twice with his use of spells. They have spiked at extreme levels of magic. As best I can tell, Mr. Potter is currently asleep, which would follow as the Watch has been busy at present in putting out a fire in the city centre."
"Anything important?" Rincewind asked before Hermione could get in a question.
"The Temple of Hyperopia has been attacked," said Hex. "It was not completely destroyed, as I have detected clacks questions which will likely appear in the Times tomorrow. The Watch extinguished the fire in the early hours of this morning."
"Can I speak to Harry?" Hermione jumped in.
"As I said, Miss Granger, Mr. Potter is currently asleep at another location in the city. I do not have a means of rousing him," Hex's voice came. "However, he is overdue to return to the Unseen University, and obtain a device which Professor Stibbons has designed, which could potentially facilitate trans-dimensional communication."
"Hex, send a clacks to Pseudopolis Yard, delivery tomorrow in time for the morning meeting, that Mr. Potter is asked to report to Unseen University's High Energy Magic building," Rincewind said.
"Does he still have my mirror?" Hermione asked.
"Please detail mirror possession," the voice continued.
"Before Harry left, he had a mirror - I have the pair - that would allow us to communicate. Does he still have it?" Hermione asked.
There was a surprisingly long pause, which permitted most of the staff to finish their entrees and proceed to the desert.
"I have not detected any use of these mirrors, which would certainly leave a thaumic trace," Hex finally replied. "I have no idea why Mr. Potter has not used his mirror. However, it is unnecessary. Professor Stibbons' alternative device should prove functional for communication."
Rincewind had finished his meal, well before the rest of the staff. Hermione's plate was still almost full. With a smile to the rest of the staff, he got up. "So nice to see you again, Miss Granger, been too long and all that, now I must get back to my work, see you soon, I hope," and before she could stop him, Rincewind had made it to the door.
She quickly followed, but by the time she got to the hall, Rincewind had vanished.
"How the heck did he-" she began. Maybe he had an invisibility cloak … or maybe he went in a room quite close, she thought.
"He can't be so far away …" she stood outside for a moment perplexed. Finally, she was joined by Remus.
"Did you find out everything you needed to know?" he asked, startling her.
"No, actually. But he's vanished … somewhere in the castle, and I don't even have Harry's - I mean your - old map to find him," Hermione said.
"Maybe there's another way?" Remus suggested.
"How so?" asked Hermione.
"Dumbledore suggested asking Dobby," Remus said.
"That's it! Uncle Remus, you're a genius," Hermione's eyes positively glistened. "Dobby," she whispered furtively.
The house-elf appeared with his usual pop.
"Yes Miss Granger Miss," Dobby said.
"Dobby, I am looking for Professor Rincewind, who was helping me get in touch with Harry," Hermione said. "Do you know where he is?"
To their surprise, the house-elf looked very nervous for a moment. "Dobby said he wouldn't … but the missus asked for Harry Potter … and Harry Potter said it was okay … so it must be okay," Dobby said, finally.
"The professor is in the library, behind the muggle studies section, there is an old reading room," Dobby said. "It looks empty, but Dobby made it nice and comfy and the Professor will be there."
"Thank you, Dobby," Hermione said, and strode a familiar path to the Hogwarts library. Through the doors of the main library, now eerily quiet without students, a rush of memories came flooding back to her. She quickly passed through Spell Research, Potions, Magical Creatures, and would arrive at Muggle Studies. She brushed past a stack and then … Transfiguration? She walked back and was at … Magical Creatures again?
She turned back to the head of the Muggle Studies row, determined to find the doorway, and physically ran into Remus. "Oof!" she said.
"It's here," he said quietly. "A variant on the Confundus charm, used as a glamour. Very clever. We used it once to bewitch McGonagall's door so she couldn't find her own classroom."
"Remus!" said Hermione, shocked. The Marauder shrugged. She now looked carefully and saw that the doorway looked old, abandoned, and almost forced the eye to ignore it.
"Turn your head to the side," Remus said, "and look at it out of the corner of your eye."
Now she could see the outline of the door clearly. She pulled at the doorknob and the door swung open, gaining a glimpse of Rincewind diving behind a comfortable sofa. Hermione withdrew her wand and with a quick flick had the sofa hovering in the air.
"I was not through with you," she said sternly to the wizard. "Now sit down!"
"How? The sofa's in the air," Rincewind said.
Hermione set it down gently, and Rincewind complied. Hermione looked at a coffee table in front of the sofa, covered with books, and a few notebooks with Rincewind's scribble.
"Burgling from the Hogwarts library, then?" she asked.
"Hardly. Just … researching," Rincewind said. "I am an assistant librarian at Unseen University as well as holding a temporary post here, after all."
"As well as a lot of things," she said. "Who was that we were talking to at the dinner table?"
"That's Hex," Rincewind said. "I guess you would say he is kind of a computer."
"And he can communicate with you?" Hermione said.
"I can utilize anything which would be understood as a communication device as a transmission locus," came the voice again. Hermione now saw that it came from a small crystal ball that sat on the coffee table.
"And I can use this to speak with Harry?" she demanded.
"More accurately, I can permit Mr. Potter to use a communication relay to contact you," Hex said. "It is possible that I can create a flux flow in order to permit the contact to commence from your side."
"Right. I've got a mobile. That's a communication device," Hermione said. "I assume I can have you get Harry to call me in some way?"
The voice was silent for a moment again. "Please hold your … mobile … to the sphere," Hex said.
Hermione pulled her phone out of her purse and put it next to the sphere, and both briefly glowed blue. "I can't use the phone at Hogwarts, since the magic interferes with it, but I can use it in London," she said.
"This is a fascinating device," Hex said. "I notice there are numbers on it. What do they do?"
"I can input a number, and a signal goes from my phone and attempts to reach the phone that has that number," Hermione said. "If the other phone can be contacted, then I can speak to the person who is using the other phone."
There was again some silence. "I have made a modification on this end," Hex said. "If Mr. Potter can get to the High Energy Magic building, he will be able to contact you on your mobile."
That pacified Hermione. She picked up her mobile and turned to Rincewind. "You'd better make sure he gets my message," she said. "Now, is there anything else I should do, or just leave you here?"
Rincewind said nothing for a moment. "If you speak to Harry, you can tell him I still don't understand the spiking feature of the magic that's being thrown off," he said glumly. "The thaumic equation doesn't make much sense right now. Stibbons and the Librarian are working on it on their end, but I can't reproduce the same spell trace patterns here on Roundworld, at least not in the same thaumic spectrum.
"He needs to talk with Stibbons about it. If I can repeat it the same fluctuation, we'll know something."
"What exactly will we know?" Hermione asked.
"That I can repeat it," Rincewind said, moodily.
"Hmph. Is there anything I can do to help?" Hermione asked.
Rincewind stared into space. "Hex?"
"Yes?" said the computer.
"Can I also contact Miss Granger through her mobile, if I use the crystal sphere?" he asked.
A few interdimensional switches later, and the crystal sphere had a few runes glowing on it. One read 'Hermione Granger' and the other read 'Harry Potter' with yet another reading 'Hex.'
"Try pressing the name first, and if we can make contact, you should be speaking with the correct indiviual," Hex said. "By necessity, I, of course, will be carrying all of the conversations through the High Energy Magic building, so I will be able to monitor your communication."
Rincewind pressed the 'Hermione' button. Hermione's phone began to ring.
"But … but it's never worked in Hogwarts before," she gasped, looking at her phone. The readout showed 'HECKS' as the caller. Hermione pressed the call button and was speaking with Rincewind in stereo.
"You can hear me?" was repeated by witch and sphere.
"It seems it works on magic," Rincewind repeated in person and through the earpiece.
Hermione closed the phone. "Okay. Thank you for your help," she said. "If I can be of assistance, don't hesitate to call me."
She and Remus walked out of Rincewind's door without even a goodbye - somehow Hermione felt this was the right thing to do - and back towards McGonagall's office and its floo connection.
"Let's not tell the faculty about Professor Rincewind's office," Remus said.
"You don't think they already know?" Hermione asked.
"I strongly doubt it," Remus said. "It's more likely that he's sequestered himself for a reason, probably one that Harry knows. There are ways to become invisible in Hogwarts if you really need to be. It may be that we need him to be."
…
The smell of smoke lingered even after the long shower at the Watch House. Harry found it merely irritating, but when he woke around mid-day, he found Carrot still asleep and a note from Angua saying she was going out to run out the oxygen in her lungs.
Wish I felt that strong, Harry thought.
He dressed and went down to the Watch House, not bothering to wake Captain Carrot. He's had a tough couple of days, thought Harry. If Angua gets back and they're alone, well, that's fine.
Although it was long past noon, Harry wandered into the staff room where Sgt. Colon and other Watch regulars were playing a card game that Harry had learned was called 'Cripple Mr. Onion.' He was debating in his own mind whether to teach the Watch Exploding Snap, but given the limitations on his magic, had decided not to.
"Constable, I think there was a clacks for you," Colon said gruffly. "Should be in your pigeonhole."
"Umm … my what?" asked Harry.
"Your pigeonhole," Colon said. "I know you were issued a Watch homing pigeon."
"Yes sir, I was," Harry said. "But I'm not sure where it is, now."
"It'll be in your pigeon hole, of course," Colon said. He pointed a grimy finger toward the back of the squad room. "Back thataway."
Harry trudged to the back, the odor of fresh pigeon droppings rising in his nose with each step. Turning a corner, he saw a series of neat cage openings, with scores of pigeons cooing in each. He looked until he found one marked 'PUTER' and decided it was probably his, the other names not coming nearly close enough. Moving the pigeon - and its output - to one side, he found a folded paper.
To: Harry Potter, Constable, Ankh-Morpork City Watch, Pseudopolis Yard
From: Ponder Stibbons, Director of Inadvisably Applied Magic, Unseen University
Mr. Potter, please report at once to the High Energy Magic building with regards to our conversation of three days
ago.
"Mph," said Harry. Now what? I guess I should inform my commanding officer. He strode to Sam Vimes' office, but found a sign saying 'THE ACTING COMMANDER IS CURRENTLY' and a scrawled note that said Sgt. Colon.
He returned to the squad room.
"Sergeant Colon," Harry said hesitantly.
Colon didn't even look up from his roster. "Yes, Lance-Constable Potter?"
"I need to see a contact at Unseen University, so I was hoping to get permission to go over there," he said.
Colon flipped a few pages. "Says here you, Detritus and Littlebottom are to check out the Fat Warehouse. I haven't seen her yet, she'll probably be in a bit late cause of the fire."
"Well, perhaps I can go over there and come back and we can then go to the warehouse," Harry said.
Colon glared at him. "You don't do anythin' in this city without a partner, lad. Who's your partner?"
"I'm not really sure. I'm staying with Captain Carrot, but I was working with Sergeant Littlebottom yesterday," Harry said.
Colon wiped his brow. "Potter, you always need to have a partner. At all times. Got it?"
"Yes sir," Harry said. Wonder how I'm going to manage this, he thought.
"Detritus is in the firing range. The two of you can go together to Unseen University, and then you get back here and meet up with Littlebottom," Colon said. "The firing range is outside the Watch building, to the left, and into the yard marked 'Donut Entry.'"
"Donut Entry?" Harry asked.
"It used ter say 'Do Not Enter' but the last time Detritus used the crossbow, he broke the old sign," Colon explained. "Get on, now. I got a lot to do till Commander Vimes gets in."
Oooh, this sounds bad, Harry thought, but he walked till he found the sign as marked, and saw a group of dwarfs, men and troll aiming various weapons at a set of targets some 30 or so yards away.
Detritus had a siege weapon about the size of Harry in his hands, and was shooting a single bolt through the back of a manikin. It pinned the dummy through the center and embedded it into the wall.
"Hah! Six for six! You owe me three rats, Sef," came a happy voice.
"Darned trolls," growled the dwarf.
"Hello there, Potter," said Nobby. "Care for a shot?"
"Not just now," Harry said. "I was coming to ask Sgt. Detritus if he could join me in a patrol over to Unseen University to interview a source."
"Defintly can do dat," Detritus said, setting down the crossbow and picking up a truncheon the size of a small tree. "You got an arm?"
"Two of them," Harry said.
"No, u got your stick?" Detritus asked.
"Oh, my nightstick," Harry said. He held it up. "Right here."
"Les' go den," Detritus said.
Man and rock down the muddy streets towards the university. "Who we gon' see?" Detritus said.
"Ponder Stibbons, in the High Energy Magic building," Harry replied.
Arriving at the university gates, Harry was surprised they did not swing open. "How do people get in?" he asked.
"Der don't, mosly," Detritus said. He swung his truncheon at the gates, making a loud clang. "Dat'll get Modo coming."
Moments later, an irate-looking dwarf arrived. "Do you mind? I just repainted that … oh, it's you sergeant," his tone becoming more civil. "What do you want?"
"Der Watch got business wit Mr. Stibbons, Mr. Modo," the troll answered. Modo motioned with his hand and the gates swung open. "He'll be in the HEM building," the dwarf said, wandering away. "To your left."
The High Energy Magic building was clearly the one with the most shielding, and Harry and Detritus entered cautiously. He'd be with Hex … where is that? thought Harry. He noticed someone walking by in robes. Bound to be a student. Let's see if they all answer to the voice of authority.
"Hey you," Harry barked as fiercely as he could.
"Er, me sir?" said the wide-eyed undergraduate.
"Yeah, you," Harry said. "We're the Watch. Where is Professor Stibbons?"
"Down the stairs, corridor on your right, the main laboratory," squeaked the student.
Without a word, Harry and Detritus passed him and began walking down the stairs.
I wonder if that's how I looked my first year at Hogwarts, Harry thought. They came to a door marked 'HEX and EXPERIMENTAL MAGIC DEPARTMENT.'
Harry raised his hand to knock on the door, then decided against it, and pushed it open.
Ponder sat with his back to them, studying a massive chart that extended 30 feet across, and stood nearly half the height of the room. Three or four students were rushing around, color-coding various parts of the chart.
"So this is again the second thaumic spike," Stibbons was saying. "I want to see …" hearing the door swing open, he turned. "Ah, Mr. Potter, glad to see you. Sgt. Detritus, good, good, come in."
Stibbons pointed to a yellow flare on the wall. "This is you, Mr. Potter. Two spikes. One about 45 minutes after you arrived, another about eight hours later. I assume you understand that?"
Harry remembered his spell use and shuddered. "That seems right," he said.
"Yes, we've captured and cross-referenced your thaumic signature. We knew these were yours," Stibbons said. "Here are some other ones - the first a few months ago, then a few weeks ago, and a few yesterday. We don't have a signature for these. No idea who's doing it, but it's some pretty intense magic, mixed with belief. Don't suppose you've got any information on that?"
His eyes narrowed as he looked at Potter.
Think like a Watchman, Harry thought. "We are making our inquiries, of course," Harry said. "What else was it you wished to tell us?"
Stibbons sighed. He went to his workbench and returned with a small object, slightly larger than Harry's palm. "Here. I used your blood, an Imp, Hex's remote magic attraction facility, and the crystal sphere to create a device I call a Potter Discworld Adjustator. It can be used through Hex's Extradimensional Mailing Facility to send and receive communication between you, Hex, and Roundworld."
"You mean it's a PDA with e-mail enabled?" Harry asked.
"Well, I suppose you might say that," Stibbons said in a huff. "But your way makes it sound so common. You can navigate with it using your open hand. You can ask it to communicate with Hex, Rincewind, or Hermione Granger."
Harry took the PDA and flipped the top open, which made the imp blow a raspberry.
"Well, whadya want?" it asked.
"Hermione Granger," Harry said.
After a few minutes, Harry heard a noise like an old-fashioned telephone ringing. "Mmm … yeah … hello?" came a groggy voice.
"Hermione?" Harry asked.
"Harry!" he heard her say. "It's … it's two thirty in the morning!"
"Sorry," he said. "Didn't know the time difference. I can call back …"
"NO! Why haven't you called me! I've tried on the mirror more times than I can count! Are you all right? Are they treating you okay? What's it like?" she said, rapidly becoming awake.
"'Mione, I'm sorry I haven't called you earlier, I was expressly forbidden from using Earth magic," he said. "I've just gotten a PDA that I can contact you with, but this isn't a good time, I'm afraid. I just wanted to see if it would work. I promise I'll call you back in about six hours, when you're awake, and I'm not on patrol," he said.
"Oh … okay …" she said. Harry could hear the disappointment in her voice. "I love you," she said.
"Me too," Harry said. He closed the PDA.
"Right," he said to Stibbons, putting the PDA in his Watch uniform pocket. "Thanks for that. We'll be in touch."
Without another word, he and Detritus left the university.
"Dat go okay?" the troll finally asked him when they were back on the streets of Ankh-Morpork.
"Better than okay," Harry said. "That's the best thing that's happened since I've gotten here."
"Dat's good," Detritus said. "Cuz when we get Littlebottom, we're gonna go over to der Fat Warehouse, and I 'spect we're gerna prod some buttock. And dat's gonna be der best thing that's happened fer me in a week."