A/N PLEASE READ THE DISCLOSURES IN CHAPTER ONE.
ENOUGH ROPE
The squad room of the Psuedopolis Yard City Watch was … a squad room, certainly. It's sort of the type of place that you expect that the Manchester United football club to come in, sweaty and muggy after a hard day on the pitch, strip out of their kits, take a quick shower and then change into something appropriate for an evening at the Ministry of Sound.
Except that … in Ankh-Morpork you didn't get designer carpeting. Or flat-screen televisions on the walls. Or fluffy towels. And almost certainly, the unwashed socks of a sweaty, tired group of footballers who had been practicing and playing for five hours in the hot sun and getting muddy smelled much, much better than the Psuedopolis Yard squad room.
What you did get was the result of the Watch - initially being a human male dominated profession - suddenly having to deal with the realities of being an integrated, multiracial workforce. So that meant that certain individuals had to stop stealing the soap (Nobby), and take down the offensive pictures of ladies of questionable virtue (Nobby), start bathing more frequently (Nobby) and oh gods will you stop eating those damned mouse fat-and-garlic fishballs deep fried in lard and served with hot pepper sauce in here? (Nobby).
There were a series of lockers, with curtains so that individuals could change in a relative lack of privacy, and a set of showers, with cold- and cold-running water. Well, it should have been water, but it was a mixture of the rain-water barrels and sludge from the Ankh that passed through a filter that the King of the Golden River had installed, and Vimes had paid for. It reacted like water (mostly).
Harry was given his own locker, into which he put most of his regular clothes, as he was given an official watch uniform to wear. Carrot also issued him a regulation Watch truncheon, and Harry carefully concealed his throwing knives up his sleeves when Carrot wasn't looking.
He also got a badge, stamped (sat on) by Detritus before he left with Sergeant Littlebottom. Harry looked at the badge carefully: it read "Ankh-Morpork City Watch, 705, Harry Potter. Fabricati Diem, Pvnc."
To him, this was the most prized possession so far: to come into a foreign city and be given the shield. It was a symbol that he was going to be trusted to work with his fellow officers. He cared enough to give his best, but he hoped it would not be too long before he took the badge off and replaced it with his Ministry of Magic Auror's badge. He was also issued a small homing pigeon in a cage (a bit like Hedwig, Harry thought) and a set of semaphore paddles.
"I think we should store your personal effects really at my boarding house," Carrot said. "I hope you don't mind living with dwarfs."
Harry looked up at Carrot again. "Not at all," Harry said. "But if you don't mind me asking…" he began tentatively.
"Go ahead," said Carrot, his smile as always fixed into place.
"Why exactly do you live with dwarfs?" Harry asked.
Carrot looked perplexed. "Why do I? Because I am a dwarf, of course."
Now it was Harry's turn. "You ah … you are?"
"Of course I am," Carrot said. "Can't you tell?"
"Um, well that is, I thought dwarfs were … not at as tall as you seem to be," Harry said. "And you don't seem to have a beard. Or long hair."
There had been a few other Watchmen in the squad room, and now the atmosphere became … dangerously quiet, Harry realized.
Then a voice spoke up. "He also doesn't smell like rat," said Angua. "And he doesn't carry an axe or a hammer."
It seemed she spoke in jest, but there was certainly an edge to it.
Finally another dwarf came up. "Look, mate, I know you're new in town, where you from again?"
"From Lon- the Counterweight Continent," Harry said quickly.
The dwarf frowned. "Don't know where Lon- is," he said. "Been to the Counterweight Continent a couple a' times, too." He looked at Harry menacingly.
"Believe me, you'd miss it," Harry said. "Even I give it a miss, as often as possible."
The dwarf grunted. "Righ. Well, I know there ain't a whole lot of dwarfs on the Counterweight Continent, but you better learn this right now: Carrot's one of us, see? Got a problem with that?"
"No," said Harry quietly.
"Good, cause I live in that boarding house, too," the dwarf said. "Sef Stronginthearm. I'm sure if Carrot says it's okay, then there won't be any problems. But we don't like too many humans around. It's one thing for … Carrot's friend, but too many humans … we get a bit touchy, got it?"
"Got it," said Harry quietly.
Carrot intervened. "Let's go. That's enough, Constable Sef. You should be out on patrol by now. Got everything, Harry?"
Harry nodded and he, Carrot and Angua left the squad room and began to walk over the Brass Bridge, which Harry noted was made of wood. They walked in silence for a bit.
"He was adopted," Angua said.
"I'm sorry?" Harry asked.
"Carrot. He was adopted by dwarfs as a child," she explained.
"Oh, I see," Harry said. "So you never knew your birth parents?"
Carrot and Angua stopped. There was a very dangerous silence indeed. Finally Carrot said "I don't have many memories of them."
"I'm sorry," Harry said. "The same thing happened to me."
Carrot turned and looked at him closely. "What did you say?"
"The same thing happened to me," Harry said. "My parents were killed when I was very young, so I don't have any memories of them. I was raised by a … foster family, too."
That's near enough the truth, anyway, he thought.
Carrot and Angua exchanged a look. "Well, it seems we have more in common, perhaps, than we thought," Carrot said. "How long have you been a Watchman?"
"We call ourselves Aurors, where I'm from," Harry said. "After school I went to a two-year training program, and I've been on active duty ever since … I'm, er, in my second year, now."
They continued walking and reached what appeared to be a large inn. "The Quene's Head: Rooms for Let," beckoned a large blue sign. They walked around the back, and Carrot greeted a woman skinning rats.
"Good day, Missus Axebaiter," he said.
"Oh, good to see you, Mr. Carrot," she said, smiling through her beard. "And Miss Angua, so nice to see you on your own two feet."
Angua smiled a bit forcedly. "A pleasure, Miss Axebaiter."
"Miss Axebaiter, I'd like you to meet Harry Potter," Carrot continued. "He's a new recruit for us and at present he'll be staying with me. Please add his room rate to my bill."
"Oh, there's no need for that, hon," she began.
"I insist, Miss Axebaiter," Carrot continued
"Well, very well, then," she said. "Four dollars a week, with four dollars in advance, luv," she said to Harry. He pulled out one of the 10AM notes he had been given. "Please keep the extra two dollars, Miss Axebaiter," Harry said. "I'm sure we'll be taking meals or buying bread or something."
She looked at Harry appraisingly. "You eat bread, do you?"
Carrot looked so pleased he could burst. "Harry! You didn't tell me you ate bread! Why, that makes you practically a dwarf! I'm so glad to hear it. When the others hear this, they'll certainly ask you to join them for a meal and some fellowship."
Angua smiled, amused. "That's not precisely what he meant," she said. "But we don't have much time now. Let's go up and drop off your things."
She pulled out a key she wore around her neck on a very small … what did Hermione call those things? Harry thought. A choker, that was it. They entered, walked up stairs, and went into a hall to room 9. She unlocked the door, and entered a tastefully decorated bedroom attached to a small sitting area, with a small second bedroom in the back. She walked into the second bedroom, pulled a few things out of the closet, and brought them into the main bedroom.
"You've got the back," she said, moving some clothes into a closet built into the wall, shunting aside some of Carrot's extra uniforms.
Harry watched for a moment, feeling stupid. "Um, you and Captain Carrot are …"
"Yes," Carrot responded. "We are."
"Right then," said Harry, carefully putting things into the small bedroom. Given how powerful my magic is here, I'm a bit nervous to try a silencing charm, he thought. We'll just have to see how it goes.
As he came out, Angua looked at him sharply. "Put the knives away, too," she said. "You use the standard Watch equipment you were issued, and no aides to it."
"How did you know?" Harry began, but she cut him off. "They've been used before. There's dried blood on them. I know," she said.
Harry walked back into his room and examined the knives closely. They had been cleaned, but now he could see a small amount of dried blood on the silk that covered the tang. I'll be damned, he thought. How did she figure that out?
"You hungry?" said Carrot. "Our watch is going to start tonight at 11 bells. We can get something to eat and nap before the night shift. I can get some bread, if you want."
Angua smiled. "Harry, you don't actually know what dwarf bread is, do you? I'm sure it's not available where you come from."
Carrot's brow wrinkled. "Aren't you from Lon- on the Counterweight Continent? I know there are only a few dwarf populations there, but you can get bread."
Angua smiled. "Right. Harry's from the Counterweight Continent." Her grin flashed toothily at him. "Okay, Harry, since you clearly don't get much dwarf bread where you are from, I'll tell you that dwarf bread are rocks. Literally. They're totally inedible for most humans. The dwarfs use them as weapons. So I suggest we get a Katchian Hots, extra mushrooms. That's a vegetarian pizza. Sound okay?"
Harry looked at her. She knows, he thought. But I'm not admitting anything. I'm living my cover. I'm from the Counterweight Continent. Then another thought. She's nice, at least. She didn't let me just eat the dwarf bread. She didn't object to me taking her room in her boyfriend's house. I need to be nice to her.
He smiled. "That sounds great. And then maybe you can fill me on our assignment tonight? I am very fortunate to be working with such an experienced team. I'm sure that I will learn a great deal from you both."
Carrot's smile threatened to cut his face in two, and even Angua looked pleased. "I'll run out and get it," she said. "Ron's Pizza Hovel pretty much always makes it the way I want when I show up in person. Carrot, you can explain to Harry what the plan is." Both men watched as she bounced out of the room.
There was a pause.
"She seems a very nice fellow officer," Harry said.
"She's the most amazing person I know," Carrot said, still looking at the door.
"Sounds like my girlfriend, too," Harry said.
"You have a girl friend?" Carrot said.
"Or she has me," said Harry. "I don't know which. Her name is Hermione. We've been dating for about eight years now."
"Wow, such a long time!" Carrot said. "Do you have plans to get married?"
Harry shuddered. "Um, maybe. It's … complicated. Right now, we're just … trying to figure out a middle ground."
Carrot looked interested. A bit too interested, Harry thought. But the Captain quickly changed the subject by bringing out a map and setting it on the table. "Here's the Ankh, and this is the Brass Bridge," Carrot said. "This has been the pattern of attacks so far - the one on Sweevo was here, Nuggan here, and Annoia here." His hand moved across the map, then stopped on a red X. "This is a small temple to Monolith, the troll god," he said. "One of our officers, Constable Dorfl, has been smuggled into the shrine to take the place of the sacred statue." He looked up at Harry. "The trolls do not like this, and I must say I agree with them. Normally we wouldn't be disenfranchising their god, even temporarily. However, in this case, as Angua has informed me, we cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs. Sergeant Detritus can't accompany us on this mission since he can't be seen to be condoning what is officially blasphemy. So he'll be patrolling the Shades later tonight.
"Our job is to stake out the temple, and if possible apprehend the perpetrators. We don't know how they intend to take out this temple, since trolls are made mainly of rock, which doesn't burn easily, and this is temple carved from rock. All the other temples were burned. But we're pretty sure they're going to hit this temple tonight. They've also got plans against the temple of the Seven-handed Sek and the Ode to Errata, but our informant suggests that this is the first one they'll hit."
Harry nodded. "Where will we be?"
"Dorfl inside the inner sanctum, which is about the size of a broom cupboard. You and I will be in a second-floor office across the street, in an upstairs room that's normally used as a counting room. We'll have access to the temple from two different ramps across the street. Angua will be … about, you know, on the street probably."
"Won't it be dangerous for Angua to be on the street alone?" Harry asked.
"Almost certainly not," Carrot said, smiling, as the lady in question re-entered the room with a pizza and a bag, containing a few bottles of ale.
After reviewing their plans, the three all went to get a few hours of sleep. It was important, Angua informed her two men, that they try to be at their best at night.
Harry did not sleep well. Perhaps it was because his mattress had been stuffed with firewood, or the noise from the Inn made it sound as if he were lying next to a giant with indigestion. He finally decided that he was nervous about the operation, and making a good second impression, since his first impression was still being cleaned up, grudgingly, by a group of habituals in lieu of paying a fine.
He thought he heard some scraping noises and something that suspiciously sounded like a dog when he was in half-sleep, but said nothing when Carrot formally woke him.
"Where's Angua?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.
"She'll … meet us there," Carrot said. He picked up his truncheon, and tied on a sword belt, which held a short sword in a scabbard. Harry looked at it questioningly. "Captain's privilege," was all Carrot said.
They walked down the road. Ankh-Morpork by night was definitely a more threatening city, Harry decided. He had been almost accosted three times by thugs, many of whom only stopped when they saw Carrot next to him.
Finally they arrived at a dimly-lit alley. (Dimly-lit, of course, is a relative term; here it means that if you were blessed with military-issue night-vision goggles, light would be perfectly adequate. Or if you were a bat.) Carrot motioned him into an even darker corner, which Harry's eyes eventually made out into a doorway. Carrot moved silently up the stairs, which seemed to creak only when Harry stepped on them. As they arrived at a second-floor landing, Harry made out an individual with a candle approaching them.
"All right Captain Carrot?" came the voice. Harry could barely see the speaker, but did notice that the head seemed to be an … awkward angle.
"All right, Mr. Slant," Carrot said cheerfully. "We do appreciate your assisting the Watch in our inquiries."
Mr. Slant lurched. "It's the responsibility of all lawyers, of course, to assist the law if it is within our interest. And billable," he said.
"We'll be here," Carrot said. "I think you had best return to your own duties so that it does not unduly reveal our presence."
"Of course, Captain," Slant said. He looked down at Harry. "A new apprentice?"
"Constable Potter is a new recruit who has joined us from the Counterweight Continent," Carrot claimed. "We're trying to promptly get him some practical experience."
Slant nodded, which moved his head to the other side of his body. "I'll be off, then," and shimmered away.
Harry had been watching him carefully. The lawyer was clearly a zombie. Reserve judgment, he thought. "Where can we see the street?" he asked Carrot.
"Over here," Carrot said. They peered out of an open window across the balcony and into the street. Harry made out a cement-looking archway, with flaming torches on either side of the portal. There was some type of sign over it, but Harry was not up on Runes, and even if so, would not have made out its meaning (which were, in fact, ancient troll words invoked by nearly all trolls when they were hefting a boulder: `look out!').
He could just see that the through the archway, was another door, which was partially open, and clearly had a statue inside of it. "Dorfl?" he asked, making the strange name sound as best he could. Carrot nodded almost imperceptibly. Harry looked again at the scene. The entire temple structure, as it were, was about 12 feet high, nine feet wide, and eight feet deep. Either the troll god wasn't attracting many followers, or the pious trolls observed ceremonies one at a time, thought Harry.
They stood, almost motionless, for nearly two hours. Several times Harry saw a brownish-yellow dog wander around, but there was no other sound. For nearly two hours, that is.
On what would have been the time when the minute hand moved over to signify when it was two hours, all hell broke loose.
First, someone tossed what Harry would describe later (with grave difficulty) as a Molotov cocktail. This lit up the doorway with blinding light and fire, and permitted the other assailants to fire some kind of siege weapon at the doorway. The bundles of rock and pitch smashed the door to the inner temple.
Constable Dorfl, being a golem, was fireproof, but the rocks smashed him through the back of the shrine. There was a howling from the left, as Harry saw the dog return and bite one of the Grave Gourmands on the leg. "Come on!" he heard, and his head spun. Carrot was already down the stairs, sword in hand, and on his way out the door. Harry elected to run to the balcony, where he could look down at the scene.
"You are under arrest for conspiracy to make an affray," Carrot was saying calmly. "If you surrender, I can assure you that we will listen to your petition quite carefully."
One of the Death Eaters - Grave Gourmands, Harry forced himself to think - just began laughing at that. He motioned with his fists. "Get the copper!"
Wearing black, at least four of them spun from their positions beside the wall, surrounding Carrot. Now Harry planned his move carefully. Two more steps … one more … and the Death Eater - GRAVE GOURMAND, yes I know, thank you, stop distracting me - was in perfect position.
Harry jumped off the balcony, twisting in the air as the Grave Gourmand - hah, got it right, that time - raised an axe.
Harry's feet landed just below the Grave Gourmand's shoulder blade. "Arrgh!" was the only printable word he made as he fell to the ground. The dog - a wolfhound, Harry saw - jumped on a second attacker. This left Carrot facing only two attackers, and rather than use his truncheon, he chose a gauntleted fist. The smack that resulted left only one would-be attacker, who suddenly got a bad case of panic.
The remainder of the attackers - however many there were, it was more than four - began to retreat with the job half finished. "Don't pursue them!" Carrot shouted when Harry began to show chase. "Let's get Dorfl on his feet, first."
"Maybe I can use a spell to stop them and hold them down," Harry said, thinking about how carefully he would need to gauge his magic.
"Okay," Carrot said. "Give it a shot."
Harry closed his eyes and concentrated. He wanted to use the incarcerous charm to glamour some ropes that would tie up the perpetrators, without causing too much harm.
He thought carefully and felt himself summon magic physically. "Incarcerous!" he said confidently.
"Umm … was that what you meant to do?" Carrot said uncertainly. Harry opened his eyes.
Ropes were everywhere, making a spider's web of the street. A few handed landed in the mess of the temple door and were on fire. They created a veritable wall between Carrot, Harry, and the Grave Gourmands, who produced extremely sharp knives, and quickly began to slice their way through the ropes, grabbing their injured colleagues.
"Maybe I can use a cutting charm," Harry began, but Carrot put his hand on his shoulder. "Perhaps not just yet," Carrot said. "Besides, we can use the ropes to help pull up Dorfl."
They made their way through the mess to where Dorfl was still on his back inside the ruined temple doorframe.
"Dorfl? Can you hear me?" shouted Carrot.
"Yes," Dorfl said, simply.
"You're going to be too heavy for us to lift," Carrot said. "Can we use these ropes to hoist you up?"
"If You Pass The Ropes To Me Over The Archway, I Can Use Leverage To Pull Myself Up," Dorfl said.
Carrot looked down at the wolfhound. "Grr," it said quietly, and pulled the ropes into its mouth, and scampered up a few nooks and crannies to get to the top of the archway, before backing down carefully again. It avoided the burning pitch and handed the ropes to Dorfl, who pulled and promptly hauled himself up.
The Golem walked over to the burning oil and stamped on it repeatedly until the fires were out. Carrot, meanwhile, had drawn his captain's short sword and was cutting a path through the rope.
"Don't worry about trying to pick it up," Carrot said. "People will come and take what they need. By morning it will be clear."
Harry was humiliated. His magic clearly was having some additional power in Discworld. He sighed. He had meant to be able to tie up the Grave Gourmands, and give the Watch a chance to interrogate them. Instead, he had just gotten in the way. Again.
"That was really amazing," Carrot said. "I thought wizards were just useless, but you clearly learn a lot more practical things on the Counterweight Continent."
"Huh," said Harry, looking down.
"Just look at all this fabulous rope! It's really useful," Carrot said. "I don't think we ever would have got Dorfl up without it."
"I Think I Will Take Some Of This With Me," Dorfl said, spooling a few dozen feet of cord around his arm. "I Will Report Back To The Cable Street Particulars, Captain Carrot."
"Very well, Constable Dorfl. And a very good showing from you this evening," Carrot said.
"Thank You Sir," Dorfl said, as he walked away.
Harry was looking dejected. The wolfhound was sniffing him quite closely. Harry put his head on the animal's head and scratched her behind the ears. "Hey, girl," he said absently, and then looked up at Carrot. "This a Watch dog?" he asked. The animal growled low. Harry looked down, and realized the animal wasn't dog at all; in fact, it was a wolf, but the most well-manicured wolf he had ever seen. Its muzzle and mane positively glowed.
Carrot rubbed its head affectionately. "Sort of. Go on ahead, we'll see you," he said, patting the wolf, which barked and ran off.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to screw up so badly," Harry said miserably. " I mean … we had them, and I blew it with that damn spell."
"What?" asked Carrot absently. He had been inspecting the small mangonel that had been used to demolish the temple. "Oh, we didn't do so badly," he said. He lashed out with his sword and smashed the mangonel into pieces. "We've taken out one of their siege weapons, and prevented them from damaging the sacred statue. I'll have Detritus bring it back tomorrow."
"What now?" Harry asked.
"Let's go to the Watch pub," Carrot said. "I'm sure that Commander Vimes will be there, and we will introduce you to some of the other Watch members.
Great, thought Harry. Not even a week and I get to be chewed about by two different commanding officers.
"Okay," he said, unwillingly. "Let's go."
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